The World will end on Friday

A sermon from Pastor Noodle of the Calumny Chapel.

The big question today is: will the World be ending on Friday, 21st December 2012 when the Mayan Calendar comes to an end? At first I was sceptical about this theory, but, when I went into the newsagents and asked the assistant for a 2013 Mayan calendar, she said that they were unavailable, and then I knew that there might be trouble.

My current Mayan calendar (as you can see, we're running out of time).

Although Mayan worshippers are almost certainly not saved people, all the evidence is that the world is coming to an end. Here are some of the amazing signs I have noticed:

• The Pope appears on Twitter as @Pontifex and says Armageddon is next Friday, my dear friends. Don't miss it! LOL.
• David Cameron is definitively named as the Anti-Christ by a group of archbishops, especially trained to look out for Him when He arrives.
• Paul Inwood writes a new Apocalypso chant, It's the Beastie, it's the Beastie, it's the Beast, 6-6-6,for use in Portsmouth whenever Bishop Egan isn't looking.
• Catherine Pepinster converts to Catholicism, smashes her statue of Hans Küng, and swears loyalty to the Pope.

I have brought with me an object that contains much spiritual nourishment, and a certain amount of mystery. It's a pot of "Naise," an oil that some sects use in a ceremony of unction. The jar carries the apocalyptic message that Only the "Best" will be brought out. Make sure that includes you!

Mayan "Naise." Note the significance of "Hell, man!"

Another Mayan relic has been sighted that is worthy of mention. Let me introduce her with some lines from her Christmas poem, Amazing Peace:

We clap hands and welcome the Peace of Christmas.
We beckon this good season to wait a while with us.
We, Baptist and Buddhist, Methodist and Muslim, say come.
Peace.

Yes, it's the great Maya Angelou, the woman with a tin ear for rhythm, a very vague idea of spirituality, but a gift for alliteration.

The Mayan Angelou - a sign that the world is ending.

These are exciting times, brothers, and you are advised to be ready for the End of the World. Remember that money and personal possessions will be of no use to you from Friday. So, in order to improve your chances of being saved, I suggest you leave them with me.

I shall be away next Sunday.

Bosco got de plaque

In de Calumny Chappel we often has grate fun readin in de book of Exeters about de plaques of Egpyt, but I is very worried as I fink we has got dem too. It seems dat Jessus is tryin to tell us somefink, and I hope it aint de dread message "Bosco you aint saved. Off to de lake of fire wiv you!"

Actaully I fink it was a mistake of Bosco's to have de nubmer 666 tattoed on his arm, he said it was because Jessus had told him he was de 666th person in de history of de world to be saved. Here is a photo dat proves he got dis tatto.



De plaques started wiv de water turnin to blud. I turned on de tap and out come dis red stuff. Bosco's girlfiend Camila wiv de big teeth, she is delihgted of course (she says it is full of nutrimments). Also, Grate-Anti Moly says dat in Austriala she drinks from billabogs where de water quallity is very simillar, but Bosco and I aint so happy. Luckily after a few hours de water went back to normal, but now we has all got red shirts, cos de washin machine was on.

Dere is also a second plaque of Bosco, dat de Lord has inflicted. So maybe Bosco is like Jobb and dese are test of his great spiritaulity and goodness? Dis second plaque is frogs. Dey is everywhere, in Bosco's studdy where he writes his luvvly bloggs, in de bahtroom, in de beddrooms. We is gettin very tired of eatin "ciusse de grenioulle" (dat's French for frogs legs), and we still has all the rest of de frogs to use up.

Bosco is bearin dis matrydom very well. I hopes we dont get lice next, like in de book of Exeters, as I cant find any recippes for "ciusse de louse", and I fink only Anti Moly would eat dem anyway.

Here is a pitcher of a frogg dat Grate-Anti Moly is keepin as a pet. Dey say pets start to resebmle dere owners, and I fink dey is right.