Stonewall visits a Catholic School

And now over to St Mary's School, where Fred Flintstone of Stonewall, the organization which knows all about bullying Catholics, has come to explain bullying.

Fred Flintstone knows all about bullying.

Now, Kristin, I understand that you are a victim of homophobic hate-crime, because Tony said your shoes were "gay"?

A "gay" shoe. Note how Kristin hides her face in embarrassment.

Yes, Fred. It's a real problem for me: my shoe would be happiest if paired with another left-foot shoe, but I am forced to match it with a right-foot shoe.

And what would happen if you bought another left-foot shoe?

Well, I tried that, but it didn't fit, and I kept falling over.

Problems in the 100 metres event for people with two left-foot shoes.

Well, this is a typical case. Now, children, there is one way to deal with anyone who expresses a different opinion to you. Do you know what it is? Yes, Eric?

BIGOT! BIGOT! BIGOT!

Well done, Eric. If you scream "Bigot!" this shuts down all further debate, and you don't need to come up with any other arguments. Now, I want as many of you as possible to grow up as Catholics in happy same-sex relationships, so we're going to show you how much fun that can be.

A happy couple from Stonewall

You see, when two men love each other, what they do is they go out into the countryside and build a stone wall together. Well, I'll be telling the over-9s a little bit more about this later - for example, how to place your stones together in an intimate conjunction - but that will do for now. If you have any further questions, do ask your local archbishop.

Archbishop Peter Smith demonstrates an essential piece of stone-walling equipment.

A modest proposal

In a last-ditch attempt to make the Conservative party more "liberal," "inclusive," "modern," and "popular," David Cameron announced today that the Coalition was planning to implement an old policy, first suggested in 1729 by Fr Jonathan Swift, whereby it would become legal to eat children.

David Cameron and Barack Obama exchange cooking tips.

"Of course we shall engage in a full consultation," explained the Prime Minister, "before ignoring its results and going ahead with this policy. In an age of equality and diversity, we feel that the cannibal community should be granted full dietary rights."

Already condemnation has come in from the more traditionalist church leaders, who claim that the new legislation would offend what they quaintly call their "moral principles." This has not gone down well with liberal organizations, such as the cannibal rights organization Bonemaul, which recently awarded its "Bigot of the year" award to Archbishop Keith O'Brien.

Giles Fraser - received a special award from Bonemaul.

Other church leaders were quick - well, slow, actually - to follow suit, and eventually even Vincent Nichols was forced to take notice. The Westminster diocese has long had a tradition of holding special masses for cannibals, and it is thought that the Nuncio is unhappy with this.

Learning that churches would be forbidden from serving meat sourced from homo sapiens, we are awaiting a statement from Giles Fraser, the socialist who appears on Thought for the Day whenever the BBC needs someone to discredit Christianity; it is hoped by many that he will be prepared to go to prison on the issue of equal rights for cannibals.

Could this be Giles Fraser's next parish?

Meanwhile, the Conservative party has not received the boost in popularity that it expected when it announced its plans for cannibalism. David Cameron himself has long been a champion of "family values" and he is said to be very surprised that this new legislation should be regarded as an attack on the integrity of the family.

Fr Swift - an inspiration to modern liberal thinkers.

New Bond Film praised by Vatican

The new James Bond film, Stonefall, has been praised in enthusiastic terms by the Vatican: indeed, it is believed that the Pope has already watched it three times.

The film features agent Keith O'Brien - also known as O.O.Brien - who is sent on a dangerous mission by his boss, codenamed "B," who replaced the previous head, "J.P.," about seven years ago.

Agent O.O.Brien. Note the radio transmitter disguised as a pectoral cross.

Before starting his mission, O.O.Brien goes to see the eccentric Cardinal Q, who provides him with a Biretta 418, a bullet-proof cope, and a supply of truth drug for extracting Confessions. He also equips him with a large crozier, which can be used as a sword-stick.

Q demonstrates the use of the sword-stick.

O.O.Brien is sent to confront the sinister Stonefall, an organization which aims to break up society from within by destroying the institution of marriage. The mysterious Rosa Klegg is allied with them, having already infiltrated the British Government, and following her lead they refer to all their enemies as "By-Gods." O.O.Brien is soon Enemy Number One as far as Stonefall is concerned.

Rosa Klegg, Head of Operations for LIBDEM.

One twist in the plot is that Giles "The Vicar" Fraser, first thought to be working for the allied organization COE, turns out to be on the side of Stonefall, and against the By-Gods.

Well, in the end O.O.Brien lives to fight another day, but his adventures are not over, as it then turns out that another evil organization called T.A.B.L.E.T. is directly threatening "B" himself.

"B," change your teaching on abortion, divorce, and same-sex marriage or T.A.B.L.E.T. will destroy your missal-guidance systems. Oh, and has anyone seen my white cat?

Warning: not suitable for children under the age of 16.

Honours flood in for Giles Fraser

After his wonderful Hero of the Year award from Stonewall - their most coveted award actually going to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for his defence of traditional marriage - other distinguished organizations have rushed to honour the BBC's Giles Fraser.

Giles Fraser: "Totally and utterly delighted, proud and made up."

First off the mark was the Dawkins Foundation, which, in awarding Fraser their Atheist of the year medal, explained, "Whenever Giles opens his mouth on Thought for the Day, hundreds of Christians either shoot themselves, or turn atheist. Seeing a priest of the Established Church whose religious beliefs are so vague does wonders for our cause."

"Dear Dr Fraser, you've probably never heard of me, but I am a great admirer of yours."

Another, less welcome, tribute came in from the Jimmy Savile Fan Club, whose motto is Nunc tunc, nunc tunc (Now then, now then!) "Were Jimmy alive today," they said, "we are sure that he would be an admirer of Giles Fraser. Dr Fraser is one of the stars of the BBC."

Jimmy Savile, himself, was willing to mix with the dregs of society.

Finally, the Society of Saint Judas Iscariot (SSJI), a breakaway Christian sect which believes that Judas should not be blamed, as he was only doing God's will, has also paid tribute to Giles Fraser. "He's only doing God's will," they said today.

Judas, a regular speaker on Thought for the Day.