Saint of the week

In the beginning was the wood.

St Pinocchio is venerated in many South American churches.

Pinocchio is an unusual saint, having originally been constructed as a wooden puppet. His life is well documented in Carlo Collodi's biography, but his main claim to fame is the story of his nose. As Pope Francis explained in his sermon on St Pinocchio's day: "The nose of St Pinocchio is a lesson to all of us. It grew in length whenever he told lies, thus teaching him the Christian virtues of truth and honesty."

Pinocchio, before he became human (and saved).

Knowing that the new Holy Father looks favourably on the representation of St Pinocchio at Mass, many traditionalist parishes - such as Our Lady of the Rosary in Blackfen, the Church of Our Saviour in New York City, and Santissima Trinità dei Pellegrini in Rome - are expecting to employ giant dolls as an aid to worship in the near future.

The Brompton Oratory - when will we see Pinocchio puppets at Solemn High Mass?

St Pinocchio himself later became human - indeed, the wood became flesh, as St John almost put it. The circumstances of his eventual death are unclear, and some versions of the legend state that "he lived happily ever after." In that case he is still around somewhere, perhaps even writing a blog.

Other religious figures seen at High Mass (note Melvyn Bragg behind Our Lord).

Saint of the Week

St Damian the Obscure.

A member of the order of St Custard, St Damian is another medieval saint about whom many astounding legends have grown up.

Damian is believed to have come from humble stock, his ancestors having been ferret-farmers near Reading. Damian himself was a learned man, and was sent to Oxenford to study for a degree in HHT (History, Hairdressing and Theology), the most prestigious degree offered at that time.

Father Sidney James, Damian's tutor in theology and hairdressing.

In those days Damian was something of a lady's man, breaking the hearts of many virtuous maidens who came his way. However, he resolved to devote himself to God, and in particular the maintenance of traditional Catholic values.

Cristina Odone - after meeting Damian she devoted her life to good works.

At that time the Council of Trent was meeting, and Damian - a traditionalist who adhered to the Sarum Rite - was anxious to fight its modernist tendencies with all the powers at his disposal. Indeed, his polemics brought him to the attention of Cardinal Murphy, who attempted unsuccessfully to procure his excommunication.

Cardinal Murphy admits defeat.

In his later years, Damian took a less active part in church politics, although he maintained a pious and virtuous life; his contemporaries noted that he was a master of the German art of Schadenfreude, and that his enemies were invariably cast down. For example, the miraculous downfall of Christopher the Hun is generally attributed to the intervention of St Damian.

Conclusive proof that Christopher the Hun was not driving his chariot.

Damian's final years were spent in madness. Each week he sent out a deranged letter to his disciples, written in green ink, in which he discussed random topics such as cummerbunds, hairdressers and custard, but nobody could bear to read them. He eventually succumbed to a surfeit of cupcakes.

Prayer to St Damian:O blessed St Damian, who saved the Church in its hour of peril, intercede for us, that we may be blessed with a good head of hair, that we may avoid unseemly fatness, and that we may avoid all forms of addiction. Help us to write, as thou didst write, even when we have nothing to say. Amen.

Saint of the Week

I should explain this posting. The Editor of the Telegraph e-mailed me saying "Dear Eccles, Custard is the New Olympics. Write me 250 words about custard by Friday, or I'll have to ask Damian Thompson." Since this is a religious blog, I have interpreted his request as best I can, in the hope that readers will obtain spiritual nourishment from the life of St Custard.

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The Temptation of St Custard, by Searle

This Week's Saint is St Custard (c.1390-c.1450), a celebrated Englishman (in France he is known as "La Crème Anglaise" or "La Crème de la Crème"), about whom little is known. It is believed that Custard was a hermit, who lived on a simple diet of eggs and milk. The story goes that he was once tempted by a demon in the guise of a loose woman ("the legend of Custard and the tart"), but he drove her away by throwing a bowl full of eggs and milk at her. This event is commemorated annually, by members of the Order of Custard (OC).

A pious worshipper bows his head in a St Custard's Day ceremony

Custard's saintliness and holiness could have only one consequence in the Middle Ages - he was burnt to death (the origin of the expression "Crème Brûlée").

Puddington: believed to be the site of the martyrdom of St Custard

Prayer to St Custard: O glorious St Custard, who in thy day wast said to have a nature full of the milk of human kindness; may we be granted thy virtues of sweetness and lightness, so that if in the end we obtain our just deserts they will at least be palatable unto us. Amen.