Adopt a Deacon!

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all, cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially, whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains after Mass.

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been invited to become a deacon myself. I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact de trainin won't take long, as it aint very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.

Adopt a Cardinal!

Cradinal Marc Oullet is dellighted to know that Eccles has adopted him.

I was told about a luvvly website called Adopt a Cradinal, which allows people to adopt a cradinal wot dey can support durin de next few weeks while dey is ellecting a new Pop.

De website randomly gave me Cradinal Oullet, wot is Canadian, and seems to be quite a saved pusson on the whole. De Paddy Power bettin site has got him in 4th place at 8/1 odds. Above him dere is Angelo Scola, Peter Turkson and Tarcisio Bertone, but my freind Damain Thopmson says dat one of dem has got bad hair, annuver has got a weight problem, and de third is addicted to cupcakes. So probabbly Cradinal Oullet is gonna win.

Cradinal Vingt-Trois of Paris, disquallified for havvin a silly name.

Well, I has been doin what I can to help Cradinal Oullet. I has been sendin him food parcels, and I telephones him several times a day to see whevver he has any little jobs wot want doin. De last time I telephoned him at 4 a.m. to say "Ullo, Cradinal, I is coming to Rome soon. Is dere anyfink I can do for you when I get dere?"

Cradinal Oullet replied "Just go and jump in the Tiber you pest," which sounds like creul words to me, but I am sure dat if a Cradinal tells you to do it, he gotta have a good reason. My freind Damain says dat Cradinal Cormac often used to tell him to tie weights to his ankles and jump in de Thames: however, he never did it.

Gonna be jumpin from here, probabbly.

Well, dat's all I got time for right now, but I shall say a prayer for Cradinal Oullet, dat he gets de top job, or, if he doesn't, dat he votes for me.

Now, where can I get swimmin lessons?