Joshua

Well, it's time for a new dose of spiritual nourishment, as we continue the Eccles Bible Project with the book of Joshua. For those who want the course from the start, we have already seen Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

As usual, we are addressing an atheist called Richard who dabbles in theology in his spare time without ever really understanding it.

Crossing the Jordan - but is that the end of the story?

Now, the principle idea of the book of Joshua is that with Joshua in charge the Israelites are doing what God wants, and as a result things go rather well for them. Contrast this with Moses's adventures, where everything that could go wrong, did - with some exceptions - mainly because the Israelites weren't obeying God.

"I do try, Aaron... no-one can be more trying than me... but things keep going wrong."

Richard, it's good to see you at our Bible class. Have you ever thought of finding out what God wants, and doing it? It could be to your advantage. Or, even if it isn't, it will make you a better person who can cope with the problems of life without having a meltdown every few days. Anyway, it's time for a song.

♫ Joshua fought the battle of Jericho,
Jericho, Jericho,
Joshua fought the battle of Jericho,
And the walls came tumbling down! ♫

Yes, we could hardly fail to mention that. Now there are several morals we may deduce from this story. See which one you prefer:

1. You can get a long way by blowing your own trumpet.
2. Walls have ears.
3. Weapons of mass destruction can be disguised as musical 
instruments.
4. It's your own fault if you don't soundproof your property 
correctly.
5. God can do miracles, but He likes us to cooperate.

Richard, I suspect you go for (1), while many other people would go for (5).

"Play 'Walk in the Light' now, and they'll all flee in terror."

Anyway, the story continues, with the capture of Ai (chapter 8). If you read this carefully, you find that there is some fairly clever military strategy going on here. They go to the city and, as soon as the Ai army comes out, run away. The Ai army follows - all of it - and one or two others of Joshua's people then sneak into the city and burn it.

Moral - if you're as stupid as the king of Ai, you end up being hanged on a tree. Evidently Ai didn't mean "Artificial Intelligence" in those days.

They can't see me, hiding behind this dustbin.

Anyway, in brief, they take over the land (first half of the book). More devious tactics are employed against Gibeon (Chapter 10), for Joshua makes the sun stand still, which basically seems to have been a device to gain extra time for smiting.

I don't care if the referee's looking at his watch, I've stopped that too.

Once they've taken over the land, the children of Israel then proceed to share it out (second half). Nothing much to say there.

At the end Joshua dies and is buried. They also bury the bones of Joseph, which apparently they've been carting round with them ever since they left Egypt. Really, it was all his fault that they were in Egypt in the first place.

A souvenir of Egypt.

Oh, I should have mentioned that Joshua was the son of Nun (he called her "mother superior" through force of habit), but we don't want to be distracted by nun jokes, do we?

Next week - the Judges move in!

Deuteronomy

After a hard week attacking rebel Catholics, bad hymns and Dan Brown, what could be nicer than to curl up on the sofa with the book of Deuteronomy? This is part 5 in the Eccles Bible project, where we lead an atheist called Richard to salvation. We are looking at the last book of the Torah/Pentateuch: the word Deuteronomy actually means Second Law, which suggests that someone has miscounted. But never mind.

Deuterium. Not to be confused with Deuteronomy.

Right, let's dive in. We've got 34 action-packed chapters ahead of us. We start off, however, with three chapters of general smiting, and for some reason things go particularly hard for tall people. For example, Moses and his team kill Og of Bashan, the man with a true king-sized bed, 9 cubits by 4 cubits, which is made of iron.

Og of Bashan's iron bed (or perhaps a smaller version of it).

Moses then preaches a few sermons to the Israelites. They are unlike the modern sermon from a church leader, which goes something like this:

"As I was wandering in the desert this morning looking for any men from Heshbon that we might have forgotten to smite, I saw a vulture perching on a rock. 'Squawk, squawk!' he said to me, and I burst into tears, for it reminded me that we are not allowed to eat vultures. In the words of the poet: In for a penny, in for a pound – It’s Love that makes the world go round! Nowadays, we are faced by many real challenges, such as climate change, the need for more wind turbines in the desert, the demand for gluten-free manna and ethically-sourced quails, and of course an end to smiting people on the grounds of race, colour, religion, sexual orientation, or favourite football team. But God loves us all. There will be coffee on Mount Sion after the service."

Do not smite this man just because of his footballing beliefs.

No, Moses gets straight to the point and reminds people of the ten commandments; also he explains that they are going to attack all the followers of false gods, and smite them. This is not exactly what you might call "muscular Christianity": they weren't Christians at that stage, and anyway muscular Christians don't really smite people.

Take that, Dawkins minor!

Well, regrettably this is one of the more bloodthirsty bits of the Bible, but in those times it was quite common for people to fight wars against their neighbours. Thank goodness that's all stopped, eh?

Well, I'm fast-forwarding through the next few chapters, which are mostly repeats of earlier teaching (although the text Ye are the children of the Lord your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead, from Chapter 14, verse 1, would repay further study, especially by anyone who feels temped to make some baldness between their eyes.

They're heading for a land flowing with milk and honey.

By the time we get to the end of the book, Moses is now very old; he hands over the reins to Joshua, gives some blessings, takes a look at the promised land, and dies.

If you have been paying attention, Richard, you will notice that the Bible so far mixes legends (with some underlying historical basis), solid history, and the Mosaic law. Next time, we'll look at Joshua's career.

Mosaic law - lots of pieces that fit together.