The Eccles Bible project

One of the problems about debating with atheists is that they don't seem to know what's in the Bible, and which bits are the most important.

Goliath - the tallest man in the Bible, but only the 709th most important.

Let us create an imaginary atheist called Richard. He reads the Book of Genesis, and spots a legend about a talking snake. "Aha!" he says. "The Bible consists of nothing but fairy stories."

Or perhaps he opens the Bible at the psalms, and spots that these are poetical, and could be sung. "Aha! The Bible consists of nothing but songs!" But then he tries to sing the immortal words Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; and Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias. What a bore! (Actually, you CAN sing those words, to the tune of "Dem Bones.")

Joatham - known mostly for his begetting.

Somewhere along the way, atheists get very excited and start talking about "bronze-age goatherds." Nobody knows why, but it is clearly a killer argument, the point being that in the bronze age people weren't as bright as those of us in the silicon age. Having computers and mobile phones made entirely of bronze, our herding ancestors didn't get round to inventing the internet, DNA, and lasagne, so they consoled themselves by inventing philosophy and theology instead. Losers, eh?

Suncream - invented by bronze-age goatherds.

The New Testament is a big stumbling-block to atheists, whose main conclusions are:

1. Jesus didn't exist.
2. He never said all the things attributed to Him. Nobody could have.
3. He didn't do miracles, as people just don't.
4. If He was crucified, it didn't kill him. It didn't hurt at 
all, really.
5. And after not dying, He stayed dead.
6. Really, He was just a very good person, like (choose as 
appropriate) Bertrand Russell, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, 
Princess Diana or Eva Perón.

Bertrand Russell - like God, only cleverer.

Look, dear atheists, I am not mocking you. When I was a child I thought like a child (we'll come back to this later). I would go into a classroom at school, and be handed a frog. What should I do with it?

1. Dissect it (Biology)?
2. Cook it and eat it (Domestic science)?
3. Shout "Voici une grenouille!" (French)?
4. Write a poem about it (English)?
5. Paint its portrait (Art)?
6. Throw it at the boy next door (Sport)?

"If you don't mind, I'd prefer options 3, 4 or 5."

Thus, we announce the start of the Eccles Bible Project, which little-by-little will take each book of the Bible in turn and explain it in simple terms. This will require me to do some reading too, especially when we get onto chaps like Habakkuk, who don't really deserve a whole book to themselves.

Coming soon - Genesis!

All churches closed by the Olympics

The Olympic Rings - used without permission

The London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games has written to Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Rowan Williams, as well as the leaders of many other churches, cults, and sects, to instruct them that if any religious services are held within the next month, they will be in breach of new laws designed to protect the Olympics and their sponsors.

Their representative, Mr Coca-Cola McDonald, explains:

"For the next few weeks, it will be against the law to read out certain texts from the Bible. Here are some examples of sentences that are clearly an attempt to cash in on our very exciting games:

Genesis 13:2: And Abram was very rich in possession of gold and silver.

2 Samuel 2:18: Now Asael was a most swift runner, like one of the roes that abide in the woods.

1 Corinthians 9:24: Know you not that they that run in the race, all run indeed, but one receiveth the prize?

We are trying to track down Messrs. Abram-alias-Abraham, Asael, and Saul-alias-Paul, with a view to making prosecutions. Meanwhile, we also have exclusive rights on the numbers '2012' and '12' so all references to the 'Twelve,' whether disciples or tribes of Israel, are out."

Here are some more examples of serious criminal offences, which will be punished by the courts.

A provocative parody of an Olympic medals ceremony (after the fencing finals)

Rowan Williams with an ethically-sourced Fairtrade wafer (illegal, as not provided by McDonald's)

The illegal wearing of medals in public

The cult of Dawkinsology is also affected by the new regulations, as its powerful slogan "It was all invented by Bronze Age goatherds" is seen as infringing the Olympics' copyright on the word "bronze." Archbishop Richard Dawkins has promised that from now on he will only scream "Iron age goatherds" when trying to arrest passing priests in the street.

Will I still be allowed to say "sky fairy?"