Quaeritur: should Christians keep slaves?

Q: Dear Fr E, I am an Anglican living in Salisbury, and my bishop says that traditionally the Christian churches supported the keeping of slaves. Is it true that Christ kept slaves?

"Before Wilberforce, all Christians kept slaves, you know."

Fr E writes: There seems to be no clear Biblical evidence that Christ kept slaves, although as a share-holder in His father's JOKEA^TM furniture business, He was clearly a wealthy man. JOKEA^TM flat-pack bookcases and tables were known throughout the Holy Land. And, if they were ever broken, then they were soon repaired (cf. the Miracle of the Healed Chair-leg).

We're getting our next table from JOKEA^TM.

However, claims by Anglican bishops that Jesus kept slaves, and even that He used to beat them, seem to be wide of the mark.

According to a Tablet journalist I was talking to, it was compulsory for Catholics to keep slaves until Vatican II, when the windows were thrown open and the slaves were thrown out. So I'm told that we should thank Basil Loftus for the final abolition of slavery.

It's a theological grey area.

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Q: I am a "working peer" in the House of Lords, and also a pious Catholic. Although I have no time to go to church, I do make a point of listening to Thought for the Day on my car radio each morning, and I attend charity events such as beer festivals whenever I know a press-reporter will be present.

Welcome to the Peer Festival.

Now I am in a real dilemma over the Equal Sex Bill, as I have been getting rude letters and e-mails from the public, of two kinds:

1. Look you half-witted freak, you are supposed to be have some sort of conscience, and it's blindingly obvious that marriage should be between one man and one woman, and not some other ridiculous combination of organisms. Call yourself a Catholic?

2. Look, mate, you don't want us to tell people that you are a homophobic bigot who is out of touch with modern liberal attitudes, do you? We know where you live, you know.

I feel that argument (2) is more persuasive.

The House of Lords votes on same-sex marriage.

Fr E writes: Quite right, my son. As a member of the Houses of Parliament, you don't want to start thinking for yourself, do you? Just string together some of the following buzzwords, and you'll have a cast-iron argument for same-sex marriage:

LGBTQIA community.
Equal Marriage.
Diversity.
Brighton.
Homophobia.
Elton John.
Bigotry.
Queer as a coot.

A gay coot with designer babies.

Gay Pride.
Husband and, er, husband.
Alan Turing.
Slavery.
Parent 1, Parent 2 and Parent 3.
François Hollande.
Ernie and Bert from Sesame Street.
Cannibalism.
There's nowt so queer as folk.

Our "designer baby" seems to be a duck.

In secular seculorum

My Anti Moly, wot is an atheist, and not very saved, was sittin in an armchair last week, drinkin a "possum's spleen" cocktail - gin, tomato juice, custard, and a dead spider - when she said to me, "Eccles! De Natoinal Secular Society is gonna hold a Secular Europe Rally, and we is gonna go along. Dey has put an advert in de paper sayin, 'Because of equality and diversity regulatoins, we is now obliged to recruit some intelligent people as well,' so let's go along and see what it's like."

As you can see, fanatical loonies are still welcomed.

"But Anti," I explaned, "I is a saved pusson, and we doesn't do secularism in de Calumny Chappel." But she insisted.

Our host, Damain Thopmson, said he couldn't come, because he was goin to a meeting of de Pinkshorts - dat's a para-military group he has jioned, wot sits around all day eating cupcakes and waitin for de return of Gladys Mills, de once and future Queen. (When she turns up, dey will shout "Heil Gladys!") So Anti and me went on our own.

We was very pleased to see lots of celebrities marchin down de street saying "What does we want? Nuffink! When does we want it? Now!" For example, I saw Richard Dakwins carryin a banner, sayin, "Church of Dakwins. Please leave your brains outside" (dat's a joke I stole from de opera Oilanthe).

"I'm sure that Declan was only joking when he called me the Satanic Anti-Christ."

Also de famuous Cathlic Professor Tiny Betty was dere, de one wot has been so creully banned from a 20-mile radius of Clifton Catheddral. I used to fink dat Cathlics cuoldnt be secularists, but luvvly Tiny tells me dat on matter such as divorce and gay marriage she is much closer to de secularists dan to de Pop. "Is you gonna swim back over de Tiber?" I asked her. "Swim, Eccles? I finks I can walk on it!" she replied.

"Between the two of us we should be able to keep Professor Beattie out."

Well, de highlight of de secularist rally was a speech from Terry Sanderson, pointin to de acheivements of secularism in history. I can quote it in full. "Er, um, well, yes, we've all done very well." I like a speech like dat wot gives me plenty to fink about. I weren't so sure when he came to talk about what a grate fing it is to abort babies if dey is gonna be ugly like my bruvver Bosco, to have sex wiv poeple of de same sex, and to get put to death when you ain't feelin' too well. My Anti Moly ran away at dat point sayin "I aint ready to die yet, it was just a bad spider I ate."

I fink Terry must also be quite keen on slavery too: apparently dere was a chap called Wilbur Force who stopped it, and I fink he was gonna point out dat it's just anuvver example of how relligoin prevents us all from havvin fun.

Wilbur Force - a typically interfering Christian.

I gotta chance to talk to dis Terry pusson afterwards, and I fink his probblem is dat he got very bored by relligoin in school, and so decided dat de experts had got it wrong. He told me dat he also got bored by mathemmatics, so next week he is organizing an Innumerate Europe Rally, wiv de following powerful sloggan:

Don't accept that 2 + 2 = 4.

2 + 2 = 5 is your right.

Well, we all had a good time bein secular. But when I left, and I said "God bless you, Mr Sanderson, you is a slightly saved pusson," he bit me in de leg. I fink I might have rabbis now - being ecumenical aint as easy as it seems.