Quaeritur: should Christians keep slaves?

Q: Dear Fr E, I am an Anglican living in Salisbury, and my bishop says that traditionally the Christian churches supported the keeping of slaves. Is it true that Christ kept slaves?

"Before Wilberforce, all Christians kept slaves, you know."

Fr E writes: There seems to be no clear Biblical evidence that Christ kept slaves, although as a share-holder in His father's JOKEA^TM furniture business, He was clearly a wealthy man. JOKEA^TM flat-pack bookcases and tables were known throughout the Holy Land. And, if they were ever broken, then they were soon repaired (cf. the Miracle of the Healed Chair-leg).

We're getting our next table from JOKEA^TM.

However, claims by Anglican bishops that Jesus kept slaves, and even that He used to beat them, seem to be wide of the mark.

According to a Tablet journalist I was talking to, it was compulsory for Catholics to keep slaves until Vatican II, when the windows were thrown open and the slaves were thrown out. So I'm told that we should thank Basil Loftus for the final abolition of slavery.

It's a theological grey area.

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Q: I am a "working peer" in the House of Lords, and also a pious Catholic. Although I have no time to go to church, I do make a point of listening to Thought for the Day on my car radio each morning, and I attend charity events such as beer festivals whenever I know a press-reporter will be present.

Welcome to the Peer Festival.

Now I am in a real dilemma over the Equal Sex Bill, as I have been getting rude letters and e-mails from the public, of two kinds:

1. Look you half-witted freak, you are supposed to be have some sort of conscience, and it's blindingly obvious that marriage should be between one man and one woman, and not some other ridiculous combination of organisms. Call yourself a Catholic?

2. Look, mate, you don't want us to tell people that you are a homophobic bigot who is out of touch with modern liberal attitudes, do you? We know where you live, you know.

I feel that argument (2) is more persuasive.

The House of Lords votes on same-sex marriage.

Fr E writes: Quite right, my son. As a member of the Houses of Parliament, you don't want to start thinking for yourself, do you? Just string together some of the following buzzwords, and you'll have a cast-iron argument for same-sex marriage:

LGBTQIA community.
Equal Marriage.
Diversity.
Brighton.
Homophobia.
Elton John.
Bigotry.
Queer as a coot.

A gay coot with designer babies.

Gay Pride.
Husband and, er, husband.
Alan Turing.
Slavery.
Parent 1, Parent 2 and Parent 3.
François Hollande.
Ernie and Bert from Sesame Street.
Cannibalism.
There's nowt so queer as folk.

Our "designer baby" seems to be a duck.

In secular seculorum

My Anti Moly, wot is an atheist, and not very saved, was sittin in an armchair last week, drinkin a "possum's spleen" cocktail - gin, tomato juice, custard, and a dead spider - when she said to me, "Eccles! De Natoinal Secular Society is gonna hold a Secular Europe Rally, and we is gonna go along. Dey has put an advert in de paper sayin, 'Because of equality and diversity regulatoins, we is now obliged to recruit some intelligent people as well,' so let's go along and see what it's like."

As you can see, fanatical loonies are still welcomed.

"But Anti," I explaned, "I is a saved pusson, and we doesn't do secularism in de Calumny Chappel." But she insisted.

Our host, Damain Thopmson, said he couldn't come, because he was goin to a meeting of de Pinkshorts - dat's a para-military group he has jioned, wot sits around all day eating cupcakes and waitin for de return of Gladys Mills, de once and future Queen. (When she turns up, dey will shout "Heil Gladys!") So Anti and me went on our own.

We was very pleased to see lots of celebrities marchin down de street saying "What does we want? Nuffink! When does we want it? Now!" For example, I saw Richard Dakwins carryin a banner, sayin, "Church of Dakwins. Please leave your brains outside" (dat's a joke I stole from de opera Oilanthe).

"I'm sure that Declan was only joking when he called me the Satanic Anti-Christ."

Also de famuous Cathlic Professor Tiny Betty was dere, de one wot has been so creully banned from a 20-mile radius of Clifton Catheddral. I used to fink dat Cathlics cuoldnt be secularists, but luvvly Tiny tells me dat on matter such as divorce and gay marriage she is much closer to de secularists dan to de Pop. "Is you gonna swim back over de Tiber?" I asked her. "Swim, Eccles? I finks I can walk on it!" she replied.

"Between the two of us we should be able to keep Professor Beattie out."

Well, de highlight of de secularist rally was a speech from Terry Sanderson, pointin to de acheivements of secularism in history. I can quote it in full. "Er, um, well, yes, we've all done very well." I like a speech like dat wot gives me plenty to fink about. I weren't so sure when he came to talk about what a grate fing it is to abort babies if dey is gonna be ugly like my bruvver Bosco, to have sex wiv poeple of de same sex, and to get put to death when you ain't feelin' too well. My Anti Moly ran away at dat point sayin "I aint ready to die yet, it was just a bad spider I ate."

I fink Terry must also be quite keen on slavery too: apparently dere was a chap called Wilbur Force who stopped it, and I fink he was gonna point out dat it's just anuvver example of how relligoin prevents us all from havvin fun.

Wilbur Force - a typically interfering Christian.

I gotta chance to talk to dis Terry pusson afterwards, and I fink his probblem is dat he got very bored by relligoin in school, and so decided dat de experts had got it wrong. He told me dat he also got bored by mathemmatics, so next week he is organizing an Innumerate Europe Rally, wiv de following powerful sloggan:

Don't accept that 2 + 2 = 4.

2 + 2 = 5 is your right.

Well, we all had a good time bein secular. But when I left, and I said "God bless you, Mr Sanderson, you is a slightly saved pusson," he bit me in de leg. I fink I might have rabbis now - being ecumenical aint as easy as it seems.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2

1. For six long years Richard spake unto the young men of Oxford, telling them the ways of the sloth. Yeah, and he spake unto them also of the ways of the chicken.

2. And the young men said "Thank God that's over! Let us go down to the pub now."

3. But Richard continued his researches into the unknown. He hardened his heart against the humble chicken, and decided to break ground in pastures new.

A humble chicken

4.  And Richard cried out unto the Lord with a woeful heart, saying, "Lord, thou probably dost not exist, but anyway, here I am, an obscure lecturer in zoology. Grant unto me fame and fortune, and perhaps a prettier wife who can operate a Tardis. If not, I shall be stuck here for another thirty years, telling the young men the way of the tortoise."

5. And God spake unto Richard, saying, "Why not write a book? It did wonders for My servant Isaiah, who became a prophet in good standing."

6. And Richard said unto himself, "Clearly there is no god, but my genes are telling me that I should write a book. And I shall call it Richard Dawkins's naughty book of sex."

7. But the wise men at Oxford University Press spake unto Richard saying, "Thou mayst mention sex, if thou wishest, but we prefer a more sober title.

8. So they considered Take off your jeans, I'm feeling selfish, but eventually they shortened it to The Selfish Gene.

9. Although some called it The Shellfish Gene, and others debated whether it should be The Shellfish's Jeans. After which, of course, the world would be Richard's oyster.

Richard Dawkins and Prof. Walrus making jeans for shellfish

10. And the main theme of Richard's book, once he had deleted the passages about the women of the night eating oysters in Paris, was genetics.

11. "Lo!" he said. "I am a worthless being, and I am only here so that my parents' genes may be passed on to the next generation."

12. And many people spake unto Richard, saying "Indeed it is the truth, thou art a worthless being." But, as it happens, he had not yet passed on his genes.

13. And the ancestors of Richard, they who had built up the family fortunes, and owned many slaves in Jamaica, looked down upon him and said, "This is a poor lookout for our genes so far."

Aha, Jim Lad, young Richard is letting down the family traditions

14. Yeah, even Black Henry Dawkins,  he who had owned more than one thousand slaves, looked down (well, up, in his case), and said, "I know not what the youth of today is coming to. Young Richard is writing books when he could be dealing in slaves and passing on our genes."

15. But slowly fame was coming to Richard, although he was not yet quite as famous as the Lord.

16. For he was to fulfil the words of Ecclesiastes: Of making many books there is no end: and much study is an affliction of the flesh. 

Continued in Chapter 4.