Austriala Day

We is cellebratin Austriala Day now, de day when de Brittish first started sendin Anti Moly's ancesstors to Bottany Bay. In fact, dey sent off about 700 poeple at once, as it seemed best to expel de whole village of Lower Collyer where Moly's fambly lived. Dis was cos de poeple of Upper Collyer complaned about de "lewd and sinnful nieghbors we got, wot keeps robbin us blind, and murderin us in our beds, so dat we is pretty fed up wiv it by now."

Dis shows de sort of village scene in Upper Collyer wot was makin poeple feel fed up and finkin dat life was a bit too excittin wiv Moly's fambly aruond.



Of course de aborriginals is less enthusiastic about dis invasoin, dey has a leggend dat de great God Goolagong sent de people of Lower Collyer to dem as a punnishment for dere sins.

Anti Moly bein a culltured pusson, like all Austrialans except Rolf Harrass, was offering to run an Arts Festivall in beuatiful Pottymouth as part of de cellebratoins. Dis was gonna feature:

* Music, a performance of Zellenka's Missa Wofulla, which most definatly aint a Cathlic Mass (unless it's one of dem libberal masses wot some Cathlics like).



* Art, an exhibitoin of paintings of Cradinal Pell. Dis is one dat was done by Andy Warhole, as a pressent for Anti Moly, and she wanted to lend it to de exhibitoin.



* Dance, a new ballet called Yakkety-Sax. Dis is all about ladies chasin after someone wot looks a little bit like Cradinal Pell, but Anti says it comes from her favorite tellevisoin program, Benny Hill, and dat she aint one of de ladies.



* Litterature, Anti Moly readin out extracts from a good book. I asked my Anti what her favourite book was, and she said "It's dis one, it's all abuot me, and I has got de only coppy in de world."



Howevver, de Pottymouth authorrities has turned down Anti Moly's plans for an Arts Festivall, and dey is gonna cellebrate Austriala Day in de tradditoinal manner, wiv lots of drink. Dere is only one word for dis - WOFUL.

Flamfrowers

Since de news is out dat my Anti Moly is a member of a secret soceity called de Flamfrowers, I fink I needs to give some detales.

I was admirin de fambly snapshots in my Anti Moly's sittin room, when I saw dis one on de wall, and asked her wot it was.



"Is dat a pantommime, Anti Moly?" I asked. "I remember dat you was grate as de comic Anti Haddach in de Nattivity play we did wiv Bosco. Indeed, de Lake Hellsinus Gazette said 'De old bat wiv de drink probblem providded an unusaul comick interlud in a normally seriuos play. Howevver, some says dat her cries of "He's behind you!" when King Horrid was lookin for de Baby Jessus was a departure from de true Bibblical text.'"



"No, Eccles, dat pitcher show my initiatoin ceremonny for de Flamthrowers. I was givven de secret codname of Collyer, and swore some frihgtful vows. Den we all danced nakid ruond a billaboing by de lihgt of de full moon. Dere was a jolly swagman camped dere, and I asked him for de last waltz but he stopped bein jolly and jumped into de billaboing instedd. Woeful."

Anti Moly explaned dat de Flamfrowers has assinged her to Damain Thopmson's blogg (along wiv someone called Phollus wot runs a shellfish restuarant in South Amerrica) in order to insullt and persecute de Cathlics dere. She does it so sutbly dat most poeple hasnt even noticed.

Still, whenever a seriuos discussion looks like brakin out Anti Moly is dere to disrupt it wiv insults and aneckdotes about how she gave sevveral brillaint sceintists dere best ideas. For example, Stephen Hakwing was gonna studdy Green Holes until Anti Moly told him dat Black Holes was gonna be more impotrant.



Dis pitcher needs explanin, it's Anti Moly askin Hakwing to externimate de Pop wiv his Dallek gun, like dey does on Dr Who. But de Pop jumped nibmly to one side and escapped by de ventillatoin system.

---

Well we has been in luvvly Pottymouth 3 or 4 days, and so I went into de street to see whevver I cuold save a few poeple. My normal openin gambitt is "Ullo, bruvver (or sister). Is you saved?"

Some of de repplies I got so far is:

"You've got a few roos loose in the top paddock, cobber."
"Oh, pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"If your I.Q. were 2 points higher it would be the same as a bloody stone."

Anti Moly was wiv me, and she also got some freindly comments:

"Cor, she's as ugly as a mud fence in a rainstorm."
"Who's the sheila with a face like a smashed crab?"
"Blimey, she's got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

I wuoldn't mind so much, but I got all dem comments from Cathlic preists, monks and nunns. Dey aint ashammed to say wot dey fink, is dey?