Lumen Fidei - what will it contain?

Excitement is mounting as the encyclical Lumen Fidei, jointly authored by popes Benedict XVI and Francis, is due to hit the bookstalls on Friday 5th July.

The two popes (in traditional white vestments) celebrate the completion of their work.

We asked some of our regular readers what they expected to see in this document, which is sure to become a best-seller.

Professor Tina Beattie, Roehampton. Clearly a new broom has entered the Vatican, which will sweep away all the cobwebs of traditionalism and bring us to the pure Catholicism as invented by the Vatican II Council. Expect a more relaxed attitude to same-sex marriage, abortion, and divorce, and perhaps a few sentences likening the Mass to an act of homosexual intercourse! From now on nobody is going to stop me from lecturing, where and when I wish! I did it MY way...

Tina, you SHALL go to the ball!

Archbishop Piero Marini, liturgical expert. Ha ha ha, at last I'll have my revenge on Benedict! He's had his encyclical totally rewritten by Pope Francis the Wonderful. From now on there'll be no more Latin, in fact no more prayers at all. We're gonna dance, dance, dance! By the way, Holy Father, just in case you're looking for a new Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, perhaps it's time for one who has a fondness for pagan rites? Just a thought...

Lord of the Prance.

Damian Thompson, experienced Vatican-watcher.What many fans of Pope Francis have been waiting to see is a definitive statement on the liturgical role of custard. It seems likely that this is the document that we have been waiting for, at least as an interim statement until a full Custard Council can be convened. But my spies tell me that, whereas Pope Benedict prefers the "Extraordinary Form" of custard made with real eggs, his successor is more of an "Ordinary Form" man, and prefers it out of a tin. We shall see.

A shock for traditionalists.

Sede Vacante

Conspiracy theorists are still arguing over the significance of the "vacant seat", marking the absence of Pope Francis from a concert last week. We asked some of our local bloggers if they could explain this.

Sede vacante.

Eccles: Apparently, the little girl sitting behind him had asked him to move, as his mitre was blocking her view. This happens to me in the cinema a lot: I'm sitting down to watch an exciting James Bond film and a bishop comes in and sits in front of me. Still, in some dioceses you're lucky if they even wear a dog-collar.

Ven. Fulton Sheen - hearts sank whenever he came into a theatre.

Father X, expert on cannon law: I'm told that Pope Francis took the evening off in order to practise his shooting. It's not widely known but he always packs a pistol whenever he celebrates Mass, just in case a Tabletjournalist should walk in. And a good thing too.

Good shooting, Holy Father!

Father TF, hermeneutical expert: No, in fact Pope Francis spent the evening attaching corks to his papal mitre, in readiness for a forthcoming trip to Australia. He was envious of the corking biretta that my parishioners have made for me.

The Pope prepares to meet Cardinal Pell.

Catherine Pepinster, Tabletista: Pope Benedict XVI would have attended this concert, which featured music by the misogynist dead composer Beethoven - a shabby attempt to revive the sort of music which is totally against the Spirit of Vatican II. Pope Francis, when he discovered that there would be no music by living female composers - such as, er, Sandie Shaw, Lulu, Dusty Springfield and Cilla Black, who appeal to the younger generation - rightly boycotted the concert and spent the evening reading the last 50 issues of the Tablet, which we'd sent him.

Cilla Black, as modern and relevant as the Tablet.

Damian Thompson, custard expert: Sorry, I'm too cut up about the death of James Gandolfini, surely the most important overweight actor since Orson Welles. I must go and write three more blog posts on the subject. Surely his beatification cannot be far away?

A scene from The Sopranos.

The Scandal of Pope Francis

The Catholic Church was up in arms today, when yet more evidence emerged that Pope Francis isn't the same as Pope Benedict.

The set for World Youth Day, designed by Pope Francis. Note the Satanic horns.

Take for example World Youth Day 2013 in Rio. Originally, Pope Benedict had suggested an elegant Gothic setting for this important event. But the moment that Francis jumped onto the chair of St Peter, he decided to reverse this decision and chose a design out of Star Wars, which he planned and built in 3 months flat.

The site of WYD, as planned by Benedict XVI (now demolished).

Pope Francis continues to bring shame on the Catholic church. Last night he was supposed to be watching Rome's Got Talent, presented by Antonio and Decani; instead he chose to go off and do some work, meeting a group of nuncios (only one of whom was able to juggle fried eggs while standing on one leg and whistling Follow me, follow me!). Then he dared to go off and do some praying - as if he didn't do enough of that already!

Pope Francis praying - when he could be having FUN!

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In other news, a miraculous vision has appeared in the bathroom wall of a blogger by the name of Eccles. It is not believed to have any religious significance, but an exorcist has been called just in case.

This can't be what the Tablet calls "Catholic wallpaper".

Ordinariate for pagans announced

Following the announcement that the Church of England is to welcome pagans - which most people thought to have happened many years ago - Pope Francis has announced the creation of a new Ordinariate, enabling pagans to convert to Catholicism while still preserving all that's best in Pagan Patrimony.

Ancient stones - these are considered holy by many pagans.

Originally, it was thought that Pope Francis was hostile to the Ordinariate - simply because there are not many disillusioned Anglicans in Argentina - but he has now seen the wisdom of Pope Benedict's ideas, and is prepared to take them further.

The first step will be to set up an Pagan Ordinariate church in London. This is already proving difficult, simply as there are no convenient stone circles at hand. It is thought that it will be necessary to import some, and install them in a convenient open space, perhaps just in front of Westminster Cathedral.

The Twelve Apostles (Ilkley Moor). Will they move to Westminster?

Some aspects of Pagan Worship may be hard to assimilate into the Catholic Mass. For example, it was thought at first that taking off all one's clothes and dancing in the light of the moon was too far from established Catholic tradition. However, having been shown examples of liturgical dancing at Liverpool Cathedral and elsewhere, the Pope no longer believes that this will be a problem.

Liturgical dancing (alternatively, the choir may perform a Gregorian chant).

Following the "Stonehenge II" council in the 1960s, human sacrifices are no longer part of mainstream pagan worship, but they are still be allowed for "traddy" pagans who request it from their local Archwizard. For such traditionalists to join the Ordinariate, suitable provision will be made in the Catholic liturgy. A papal encyclical De Humano Immolando is in preparation, which will clarify this issue. Many other Pagan traditions should be assimilated with little trouble.

A Catholic "cage" mass, where the priest pretends to be a budgerigar.

Reactions to the Pope's proposal have been mixed. Said the Tablet, "This is the sort of brilliant idea that we would never have seen when we were crushed by the iron jackboot of Pope Benedict. It takes the emphasis away from God, and focuses it on ourselves, so it must be good."

After all, this is very similar to some existing Catholic Masses.

On the other hand, pagan leaders are furious that the Catholic Church is attempting to "poach" its believers without any consultation. Said Arch-Pendragon Getafix (formerly Jim Tharg), "It's a disgrace. They're even asking Paul Inwood to publish a Pagan setting of the Mass, including animal noises and the sounds of witches screeching - apparently, this will only require minor modifications to his existing work."

Monsignor Snape prepares for Mass.

Finally, the "Magic Circle" of Catholic bishops in England and Wales is also showing enthusiasm for the idea of a Pagan Ordinariate. Archbishop Nichols has long had excellent relations with Rowan Williams, a druid who rose to a senior position in the Church of England, and he is therefore expected to be very responsive to the idea of Pagan Patrimony.

We'll now sing "All things bright and beautiful."

Why we hated Pope Benedict

From the desk of the Editor of the Tablet, a formerly Catholic newspaper that's fallen on spiritual hard times.

The staff of the Tablet, welcoming Pope Benedict to Britain.

Isn't it great that we've got rid of Pope Benedict? Now the Catholic Church can be welcoming to other Churches and faiths - even Tabletism itself! You never saw Pope Benedict talking to people of other faiths, did you? But Francis has taken a special interest in us, indeed, he keeps offering to send a team of his finest exorcists to visit us! Lovely man!

Pope Benedict (hiss!) shows his hatred of Muslims.

No, Pope Benedict's own priorities were different. When he'd finished sticking pins into wax images of Rowan Williams, he started talking to the Vatican II-denying Society of St Pius X, which he regarded as his lost sheep. But as we all know, when the Good Shepherd loses a sheep, He doesn't waste time looking for it: what He does is to get another one!

Also... would you believe it... the man re-authorised the celebration of the Tridentine rite! How many people speak Tridentine these days? I certainly don't! Then he imposed an English translation which, although it was more accurate, was severely inadequate. I don't need to explain why, do I? In fact, I'm not sure that I can. Clifford? Hans? Tina? Anyone got any ideas here?

Would anyone seriously look for a lost sheep?

Pope Francis, who now celebrates his first 100 days in office, has had ecumenical discussions with religious leaders worldwide, such as the Chief Moonie, Tom Cruise of the Scientologists, Richard Dawkins, and even the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. He hates the ordinariate, because he knows that it attracts the wrong sort of Catholic - ones loyal to Rome, with orthodox beliefs, who clean their teeth and brush their hair, who don't read the Tablet except to find out what their enemies are up to. The ordinariate is now DOOMED... at least if we can do anything about it!

The Ordinariate - there's a face on that shield, mocking me!

Benedict went out of his way to bully Muslims. Remember the Regensburg rallies he organized in 2006 in order to mock the Prophet? And as a result we saw 9/11, didn't we?

One of the first acts of Pope Francis was to wash the feet of a Muslim woman on Maundy Thursday. And then he gave her a sausage roll. Lovely man! Why he even sent some soap round to the Tablet offices so that I could wash MY feet!

A gift from Pope Francis to Catherine Pepinster.

The hermeneutic of continuity still links the two papacies, but not for much longer! Catholicism is looking to the future again, not to the past (Jesus? Mary? Peter? Don't make me laugh!) This could energise a lot of people whose faith has grown stale.

God energises a Tablet journalist.

For a longer version of this article, see here.

Pope's new exorcise video

It is generally agreed that exorcism of demons is best performed by senior clergy. In the Catholic church it requires a bishop's permission - otherwise priests and deacons have been known to get carried away, attempting to expel demons from cats, rice puddings and bicycles. So it should come as no surprise that Pope Francis has been seen engaging in the practice of exorcism.

I command the spirit of Hans Küng to quit this child!

For dealing with those who are only slightly possessed, Pope Francis has invented an alternative ritual.

So, demon, if I win at scissors-paper-stone, you agree to leave this woman alone?

For highly-connected people, Pope Francis has been known to attempt exorcisms on demand.

So, Miss Biden, how long do you think that your brother has been possessed by demons?

Of course, Pope Francis is not the first to practice exorcism. Pope Benedict XVI also had to confront the evil done by demons who attacked Christianity.

When dealing with the worst demons, Pope Benedict always stood safely inside a pentagram.

Hans Küng writes for the Tablet

We are honoured to be able to print excerpts from Hans Küng's article Don't let spring turn to winter, as published in that well-known organ of dissent, the Tablet.

Hans Küng shocks Catherine Pepinster with the news that the Pope is a papist.

When Jorge Bergoglio took the name Francis as Pope, he did something no pontiff has done before: put himself in the historical tradition of St Francis of Assisi, a simple man who despised Catholic traditions and promoted divorce, abortion and homosexuality. As I wrote in my famous book Pope Benedict ate my hamster, the Catholic church needs to look at some of the key Biblical figures, such as Jezebel, Belshazzar and Herod, and ask itself why it no longer follows in their footsteps.

Belshazzar's Feast - surely this is what the Mass should really be like?

When the men in white coats came for me on my eighty-fifth birthday, they carried me and my life-sized statue into a dark room in the Tübingen Infirmary, and said, "Hans, just relax; you can stop worrying about Pope Benedict, he's resigned." For me a new spring had dawned, tra-la, and the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la, promised a summer of roses and wine.

It is astonishing for me to see how Pope Francis has taken a different path from his predecessor. For him, no sugar in his coffee, only a black-and-white television set, brown shoes rather than red ones, and a cassock in need of darning.

The sock of Pope Francis - a truly holey man.

Francis is a Pope who demonstrates that he is a man with his feet on the ground - unlike the chap I won't mention who refused to restore my permission to teach Catholic theology. (Which is why I was forced to send this article to the Tablet rather than a Catholic newspaper!)

So the advent of Pope Francis signals a time for reform. I have already sent him my 96-point plan, written in the finest green ink, outlining our expectations for a total change of doctrine on euthanasia, the ordination of women, birth control, murder, adultery, theft, bearing false witness, and so on. If he doesn't respond, then he knows what to expect - a new book called Pope Francis - spawn of Satan, which will subtly express my disagreement with him on some matters of doctrine.

Time for your nap, now, Hans. You can write another book when you wake up.

Dr Hans Küng is honorary president of the Pan-Galactic Ethics Foundation. His most recent book, 200 ways to annoy a retired Pope is published by the Heresy Press.

The dark side of Catholic Voices

What is this sinister organization known only as Catholic Voices - is it linked to the Freemasons, Opus Dei, Mafia or the North Korean government? In a special guest post, Damian Thompson expresses his concerns.

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The Faceless Kathleen Griffin (official CV portrait).

Whenever the media wish to hear the views of a Catholic on one of the major religious issues of our day - for example, the election of Pope Francis, the government's attempts to redefine marriage, or whether coleslaw is so called because it resembles the inane witterings of the Rev. Richard Coles - you can be sure that Catholic Voices will worm its way onto the airwaves.

A sinister albino monk - is he the power behind Catholic Voices?

Oh, they wouldn't let me join, would they? They said I had a squeaky voice and couldn't be relied on not to storm out of the studio if challenged by Peter Hitchens. Wasn't it simply that they were scared that, if they taught me the funny handshake and the secret passwords, I could expose them to the world?

Austen "Ronnie Corbett" Ivereigh - told me to grow up.

Look at the people involved: Jack Valero (Opus Dei), Caroline Farrow (mother of 12, and bullying commentator on my blog), Peter Williams (Right to Life), ... well, the list speaks for itself. Then look at how they are funded - by donations from individuals and organizations. That's very mysterious, don't you think?

Robert Mugabe - a prominent Catholic. Does he donate to CV?

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Paul Priest, Archbishop of Corby, adds his own concerns.

Brilliant article, Damian! Have you noticed that many of the Catholic Voices people are converts? This means that, say ten years ago, they may have been atheists, Muslims, Satanic fire-worshippers... who knows what? Do we really want Satanic fire-worshippers speaking out for the Catholic church?

On the side of the angels...

What's more they promote the time-bomb of Vatican II-type liturgical/doctrinal/moral Vichyist revisionism. Trust me, I know an ontological paradigm shift when I see it - we were warned about them in the encyclicals of Pope Benedict XVI, which I've read from cover to cover, not to mention the complete works of Dan Brown.

Piero Marini presents Pope Benedict XVI with a liturgical/doctrinal/moral time-bomb.

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So there we have it. Be afraid... be very afraid. These faceless anonymous secretive people, who are never off your television screens, are clearly hiding something very sinister.

Piero Marini rejoices

No person in the world could be more delighted at the election of Pope Francis than Archbishop Piero Marini, the president of the Pontifical Committee for International Eucharistic Congresses.

Archbishop Marini attempts to administer a custard pie to Pope Benedict.

"How I hate Pope Benedict," he said. "I had been having a great time as master of ceremonies for John-Paul II. It's an easy job - I just had to open a few bottles whenever there was a papal party, and propose the occasional toast. But then Benedict gave me a serious job, where I had to do lots of paperwork and answer letters."

"What's more John-Paul baked me birthday cakes. Benedict always burnt them."

Continued Marini: "Oh, how I suffered under Pope Benedict. We had been breathing the waters of a swamp, and it had a bad smell. We'd been in a church afraid of everything, with problems such as Vatileaks and the paedophilia scandals. Why, I was almost tempted to do something about it. Ugh, and the Pope used Twitter too."

Letting the bad smells out of the Sistine Chapel.

"Now that Pope Francis is here," he continued, "we can expect a total rewriting of Christian doctrine. If he follows my advice he will make the Catholic church entirely secular. Catholic same-sex marriages can't be far away - I read that in the Tablet, so it must be true."

Note: Piero Marini is not to be confused with Guido Marini, seen below (left).

Guido, you stand in the middle, then our colour scheme will give the French flag.

Fortune tellers cannot save you

Pope Francis has reminded people that salvation can only come through Jesus Christ, not through tarot readers and fortune tellers.

A liturgical abuse by an unsaved priest.

This news has come as a shock to many liberal catholics, who were expecting Pope Francis to be more sympathetic towards arcane practices than his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI.

Said Catherine Pepinster of the Tablet, "We are gravely disappointed by what the Pope said, and he is losing the support of Catholic newspapers such as ours. After all, the Tablet's new horoscope column, written by the mysterious Madame E. Curti, gives explicit instructions on how to achieve salvation. For example, all Aquarians should try an attend a mass with liturgical dancing this week, and join a pro-choice demonstration."

Madame E. Curti looks into the future.

Over in the dark lands of Roehampton there is also disquiet. Said Madame Tina, another well-known clairvoyante, "I predict that Pope Francis will be visited by an aged German called Küng, who will persuade him to allow women priests, same-sex marriage and easy divorce, as an integral part of Catholic life. Trust me, this morning I saw three magpies and a large white cloud that looked a bit like Vincent Nichols. That always means doom for someone."

Hans Küng - the cards foretell his arrival in Rome.

Continued Madame Tina, "I haven't been getting many speaking engagements lately, but as a leading Catholic fortune-teller, I am always available for gay masses, first communions, clown masses, ordinations, or, if all else fails, my ever-popular mind-reading show Madame Tina's Lumen Gentium. After all, Mother Julian of Norwich was a mystic, so why shouldn't I try my hand?"

Madame Tina knows your future!

It is thought that Pope Francis may not be entirely pleased with this new trend in liberal Catholicism. And to everyone's surprise, it appears that Pope Benedict, in his retirement, has also been practising simple conjuring tricks.

Abracadabra! There's now a rabbit inside the box!