The Jimmy Carter edition of the Bible

This week we saw the publishing event of the year, as ex-President Jimmy Carter, Nobel Peace Prize Laureate (they don't give them out to just any old Tom, Dick or Barack, you know!) and one of the most successful U.S. presidents ever, introduced an edition of the Bible, with his own study notes, helping readers to follow his understanding of the Scriptures.

And God spake unto James, saying "Rewrite ye the Bible in your own image."

St Jimmy's interpretation of the Bible is said to be at variance with most orthodox Christian doctrine. He quarrelled bitterly with Pope John-Paul II over "liberation theology" and labelled him a "fundamentalist" along with Ayatollah Khomeini.

Well done, Jimmy. I can't stand Pope John-Paul II, either!

It is true that John-Paul II, having been brought up in Soviet-dominated Poland, would not have had as much experience of poverty, oppression, Marxism and suffering as a millionaire peanut-farmer in Georgia would. So St Jimmy was clearly in the right there.

"As we were marching through Georgia." Jimmy liberates a peanut field.

St Jimmy's new edition of the Bible explains clearly how the Southern Baptists and the Catholics believe that women are inferior to men. "They're just like Muslims, you know," he says, drawing on his wide knowledge of religions worldwide.

John the Southern Baptist - a well-known fundamentalist.

So far the Gospel of St Jimmy is not selling as well as might be expected. This is probably because American Catholic and Baptist women, the ones who would naturally wish to read it in order to learn how to throw off their chains, are not usually allowed out into the streets unaccompanied - or to use the telephone or Internet - and so are unable to buy copies of the book.

A subjugated Catholic woman, forbidden to read the Gospel of St Jimmy.

Piero Marini rejoices

No person in the world could be more delighted at the election of Pope Francis than Archbishop Piero Marini, the president of the Pontifical Committee for International Eucharistic Congresses.

Archbishop Marini attempts to administer a custard pie to Pope Benedict.

"How I hate Pope Benedict," he said. "I had been having a great time as master of ceremonies for John-Paul II. It's an easy job - I just had to open a few bottles whenever there was a papal party, and propose the occasional toast. But then Benedict gave me a serious job, where I had to do lots of paperwork and answer letters."

"What's more John-Paul baked me birthday cakes. Benedict always burnt them."

Continued Marini: "Oh, how I suffered under Pope Benedict. We had been breathing the waters of a swamp, and it had a bad smell. We'd been in a church afraid of everything, with problems such as Vatileaks and the paedophilia scandals. Why, I was almost tempted to do something about it. Ugh, and the Pope used Twitter too."

Letting the bad smells out of the Sistine Chapel.

"Now that Pope Francis is here," he continued, "we can expect a total rewriting of Christian doctrine. If he follows my advice he will make the Catholic church entirely secular. Catholic same-sex marriages can't be far away - I read that in the Tablet, so it must be true."

Note: Piero Marini is not to be confused with Guido Marini, seen below (left).

Guido, you stand in the middle, then our colour scheme will give the French flag.

Religious news items

The third Pope?

To everyone's disappointment, it seems that the "third Pope" in the picture published by the Sun newspaper is not, after all, Pope Francis.

Clearly the picture shows Pope John-Paul II and a future Pope Benedict XVI, but the very spiritual-looking cardinal in the middle has so far been unidentified. It is thought that he may be even have been a Telegraph journalist who gatecrashed the meeting in disguise.

---

Pope Francis likes gerunds.

The gerund - shunned by Pope Benedict XVI.

Meanwhile, Latin scholars are ecstatic because the motto of Pope Francis, Miserando atque Eligendo, contains no less than two gerunds (verbal nouns). This is in strict contrast to the mottoes of Popes Benedict XVI (Cooperatores veritatis) and John-Paul II (Totus Tuus), who restricted themselves to elementary grammatical constructions.

Our detailed researches (5 minutes with Wikipedia) reveal that there have been no papal gerunds since mottoes were introduced by Pope Pius X, although Pope Benedict XV was widely praised for using a passive subjunctive verb in his In Te Domine Speravi, Non Confondar In Aeternum.

So far it is too early to tell whether Pope Francis is intending to make gerunds a regular feature of his future encyclicals, but Vatican-watchers are hastily buying up all copies of Kennedy's classic text, just in case.

Kennedy's classic text (two editions are available).

---

Meanwhile, over the the Church of England...

Knock knock! Who's there? I'm Justin. I know you're just in, but who are you?

This week also saw Justin Welby's enthronement as Archbishop of Canterbury. Although he could not expect leading religious figures such as Robert Mugabe or Joe Biden to attend, since their place was in Rome, Archbishop Welby also enjoyed a most impressive service.

Ha ha ha, no, we're still against abortion and same-sex marriage, Mr Biden.

In his homily, Archbishop Welby was careful to avoid all controversial topics such as religion, good and evil, etc., instead focussing on some of the other riches associated with the Church of England.

Liturgical dancing from the Little Sisters of the National Health Service.

Meanwhile, Queen Elizabeth, as Supreme Governor of the Church of England, naturally had an important role to play in the service, as she parachuted down to Canterbury Cathedral.

"At least Rowan Williams allowed me to arrive by car."

Great religious bores of today

You know how it is when you get on the bus and someone comes and sits down next to you, even though there are lots of empty seats...

I'm an atheist you know, I don't believe in any of that "sky-fairy" nonsense, I've been reading a brilliant book by that man Dawkins he's an Oxford professor, he was a very famous biologist you see, discovered genes, or DNA, or memes, or something, so he knows what he's talking about.

Genes, or DNA, or memes, or something.

Anyway he's now become an expert on theology, and he points out just how vile Catholicism is, they brainwash the kids you know. See those children over there, going to St Mary's School? You can see that they're mentally scarred by the prospect of ending up in Hell. Oh well, maybe it's because they've got a French test today, anyway, they're not looking very happy, are they? Dawkins says that's worse than child abuse and he's right. He's written lots of books with long words in them, you must have heard of him he's married to that woman on Dr Who...

That woman on Dr Who.

He got up, and another man sat down next to me...

Hello, I'm a deacon you know, you can tell that because I'm wearing a biretta, I'm just as good as a priest really but you'd be surprised just how many priests look down on us and give us all the dirty jobs to do. I do baptisms you know, they're safe in my hands, you don't see many of my baptisms going wrong.

A baptism gone wrong.

The same goes with funerals, they often give me funerals to do because I never smile, but I read a big book about how to do funerals, and the main thing to remember is to stand well back so that you don't fall in the grave, it upsets the bereaved if the deacon falls in the grave. Note that I am wearing a biretta on my head. My wife ironed it, in fact she irons my head flat every morning so that the biretta will fit on top. I've also got a dalmatic, but I don't wear it on the bus, it's white with black spots, because my wife saw a film "The 101 Dalmatics" and this gave her the idea.

The 101 Dalmatics.

I can do exorcisms as well, even though deacons aren't supposed to. I woke up last night and saw the ghastly demon Ek-al-Byar leering at me, and saying "You're not a proper priest," but I said "Begone!" and turned the light on. It had turned into an old coat hanging on the wardrobe door. You see what powers I have...

Finally, another man wanted to share his grievances with me...

You're interested in religion, are you? Did you know that Pope Paul VI was replaced by a replica in 1967? Look at these photos, it proves it.

  

The real Paul VI (L) and the impostor (R).

Note how the impostor has his ring on the wrong hand. They exploited the confusion caused by Vatican II to smuggle a demon onto the throne of St Peter, so it's been Sede Vacante for the last 45 years. Look at the way Pope John-Paul II behaved - first he murdered John-Paul I, and then he bought himself a bent crucifix. It's clearly evidence that he was a demon.

Shocking behaviour by a Pope.

What's more the Mormons posthumously baptised John-Paul II, so that proves he wasn't a true Catholic. And the present Pope is the same. But I have been reading the prophecies of the end of time, and I can tell you there will be only one more Pope after the present one - probably an Englishman called Vincent - after which there will be Armageddon, and then we'll see the present Catholic church destroyed like it says in the book of Revelation.

The rightful Pope, Pius XIII.

Oh, is this your stop? Well, it's been nice hearing your views...

All you need to know about the fanon

The fanon - a bodyblow against liberal Catholicism.

Certainly the most exciting thing to happen in the Catholic church this week was the return of the papal fanon, which the Holy Father wore for the Pontifical Mass on Sunday.

What is the fanon?

It is a gold-and-white cape, which only the Pope may wear. Anyone else wearing it is guilty of impersonating the Pope, and will be arrested for identity theft. The same penalty applies if any impostor attempts to open a bank account in Rome under the name of Pope Benedict XVI, or to canonize his own friends.

Probably the real Pope.

What is the significance of the Pope's wearing the fanon?

It is sending a powerful message to the liberal wing of the church that they have finally lost. Having seen the fanon in action, Catherine Pepinster is believed to have gone into hiding, Tina Beattie has joined the Methodists, and Hans Küng has hastily sold his two-metre-high statue to a farmer needing a scarecrow.

My name is Ozymandias, Küng of Küngs. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!

Why did the fanon fall into disuse, anyway?

One very hot day, Pope John-Paul II was trying to put a pile of Vatican II documents into some sort of order. Unfortunately, the electric fan that he was using to cool the room caused a breeze, and some of the most important documents about the hermeneutic of continuity blew out of the window and were never seen again. "We don't need the fan on!" shouted the Pope in an infallible way: and henceforth it was so.

What will the Pope wear next?

The 16th century papal doublet and hose are probably next to be resurrected; or possibly the pope will go straight to the fisherman's garments worn by St Peter.

A statue of St Peter, in traditional fisherman's robes.

Catherine Popehater writes

The Editor of the Tabloid comic explains how Cardinal Spartini was right to challenge the Catholic Church's conservatism.

---

Catherine Popehater

Cardinal Spartini, who died recently, has denounced the Catholic church in no uncertain terms. In a message from beyond the grave he tells us: Having a lovely time. Wish you were here. Weather wonderful, hope I don't have to go anywhere hotter.That horrible imposter Pope Benedict has paid tribute to Spartini, the man who should really have been Pope, in the words, "Ach, I'll miss old 'Bonkers' Spartini. Man was a loony liberal, of course, but he was very kind to his white cat."

If the conclave of 2005 had gone the way it should have done, Spartini would have been Pope, and the Catholic church would have been able to undo some of the worst excesses of the John-Paul II years, such as the Fall of the Berlin Wall, and the Collapse of Communism.

The Berlin Wall. Its demolition was never authorized by the Vatican II documents.

Spartini was a keen champion of liberalism, and felt that the Catholic church should change its attitudes on contraception, divorce, gay marriage and prostitution. My own mother was aware of these issues: when I was a child she would look sadly at me and say "Catherine, if only I had been allowed to use contraception!" Vatican II implicitly enjoined us to ordain lesbian prostitutes, and this was swept under the carpet by traditionalists trying to take us back to the dark ages, when people such as Christ, Peter and Paul were preaching their out-of-date doctrines.

If Spartini had become Pope we should now be seeing a more liberal Catholic church, ready to ordain a woman Pope, ending discrimination against people on the grounds of sexuality or religious belief. I would have faced fierce competition from Polly Toynbee and Harriet Harman, but I am sure that in the end I would have been elected Pope in spite of my mildly pro-Catholic views.

Why are these ladies not allowed to be cardinals?

What do we see in the modern Catholic church? A return to outmoded forms of worship where the use of ancient words such as "Gloria," "Alleluia" and "Amen" - words incomprehensible to most of us - is encouraged. The reading of outdated books such as the Bible, rather than Das Kapital or The God Delusion. No wonder Spartini was horrified.

Still, it's not all bad. The Catholic church maintains its traditional opposition to murder, and I think most of those present at Vatican II were happy to accept this. But the ideal Spartini legacy would be for the Catholic church to help with the rebuilding of the Berlin Wall, and to fight for the collapse of capitalism.

Is you a relligiuos maniac?

I is postponnin de rest of de story of my Anti Moly's visit to Sidney, cos I likes to keep poeple in suspense. So todday's blogg is abuot de doctor wot was illegedly sacked by a hopsital, cos he e-maled a prayer to his collaegues. We Chritsians wot is saved doesnt like to be accused of relligiuos mania, so here for de beneffit of Brittish readers is a list of DOs and DONTs, explanin what you is allowed to do nowadays.

DONT say "Bless you" if someone sneezes in de hopsital. Dis is a prayer, and you is gonna be in truoble. If you is a nurse in a hopsital, DO just ignore de patient, as you wuold normally. And if dey has a fit and drops dead, DONT say "Oh my God" as dat is also a prayer, and you will be marked down as a fanattical fundamentallist. DO just go away and have a cup of tea. You may also be able to sue de hopsital for copmensatoin, as you has had de harrowin experience of seein a dead boddy.



Dat's a Pop sneezin. I dont known whevver anyone said "Bless you" to him, or is dat bein cheeky?

If you is a famuous athiest bein interveiwed on de radio, and you cant remember de tittle of Darwin's book about de origin of speeches, den DONT say "Oh God, um..." as dat is braodcastin a prayer, and you will look even sillier dan usaul.

If you is mentoinin Christ, DONT say "Christ de King" or "Christ de Redeemer", but DO say fings like "Christ on a bike" or "Jesus wept!"



I aint never reely understood dat, as de Bibble mentoins ridin on donkeys but not bycicles. My bruvver Bosco explaned to me dat in Matthew 15:21 Jesus "departed into the coasts of Tyre and Saddle," and he reckons dat means He went on a bike.

However, if you is a Musslim, DO say "Allah is de God, buster, and Mohamed is reely grate, has you got a probblem wiv dat?" cos you aint gonna be told off for it. Still, it's probabbly best not to discuss whevver Mahommed ever rode a bycicle, unless you wants a Fattwar against you.



Dat's a different Mahommed, wot flaots like a buterfly and stings like a bee. I fink he used to hit poeple as well.

DONT ever wear a cruciffix (I blogged about dis alreddy) as dat is a cymbal of relligious bigottry, but DO wear a burker, if you is female, as dat is a cymbal of wommen's libberatoin, and tollerance of uvver cultures. It sure is difficult livin in modern Britian.



De reely bad news is dat we in de Calumny Chappel aint supposed to go up to people in de street and say "Is you saved, bruvver?" and den hit dem over de head wiv de Bibble until dey gives in. In de words of my Anti Moly (who is well-known for emptying de washin-up bowl over carol signers), it wuold be "Wofl."

Bosco does pennances

My dere bruvver Bosco is a very holly pusson, and he was readin about Pop John-Pual doin pennances, so he fought he mihgt try dis himsself. Of course bein saved he doesnt ever committ sins, but he saw an advert in de newspapper which looked interrestin.

DOES YOU WANT A REAL TREET? PHON SISTER WHIPPIE OF DE SISTERS OF NO MERCY ON 202-456-1414 AND SHE WILL GIVE YOU A GOOD TIME.

"Dat's de fing for me!" said Bosco, and he went off to visit dis Whippie dame. He came back lookin very disappointed. Apparrently he had hoped dat she wuold tie him to de bed and beet him tottally senseless (he dont have far to go, I suppose), but all she did was feed him on puddins until he felt sick.



De next day we got anuvver unexpected telephon call from Farver Arfur. "Hello," he says. "I is a preist in good standin, as I may have mentoined before. I has even got my own cossack and surplus, wot I buoght in a car boot sail in Rom. Wuold you like to confess some sins? I has got a letter from de Pop sayin dat I can forgive dem. Or if you says some Hale Marys and pays me $100, den I can give you addvance permissoin to commit lots of sins."

Bosco said dat he wuold take 1000 Hale Marys worth of forgivness, and Farver Arfur said dat for a big pennance like dat Bosco cuold have a licence to kill (1 murder). Or he could do 5 greivous boddily harms, or 100 minnor sins, like throwin cabbages at little old ladies in de street, or usin a sockpoppet on a blogg.

So Bosco is finkin carefully abuot some interrestin and origginal new sinns, we doesnt want to waste dis creddit wiv de Lord.



Since Bosco soon got fed up with Whippie puddins, his spiritaul adviser, Sister Whippie, offered him somefink called Angle Delihgt which was also very holly-soundin. But he didnt like it.

Now Bosco got a job advertising breakfast serials, dey said dat he was de perfect pusson to sell de prodduct. We aint quite figgered out why dey fink dat.

A new recriut

Bosco and me is very excitted today, as we got an e-mail from Damain Thompson. I will summarize what he said. In case you dont guess, dis is his message in my own words, as dey is easier to understand.

"Dear Bosco and Eccles, I has decided to stop bein a Cathlic, as de arguments from bruvver Bosco is so powerfull dat nobody can resist dem. You may already have geussed dat, since I has stopped postin bloggs on Cathlic issues, and is instead cuttin and pastin silly comments from Twiter about Ruppert Mudroch.

So from now on I is de enemy of Vincent Nickles, Kierran Conray, Arthur Rochhe, and de rest of dem pesky bishops in de Magic Circus. Dat includes Mary O' Conti and de others in Scottland. Dese folk can no longer expect me to say how devout and holly dey is. I has seen thruogh dem. Dey will be cricketised remorzelessly. To start off I is gonna write a blogg on dis controversial topic: 'Kierran Conray wears silly shirts'. I is expectin Paul Preist (On De Side Of De Angles) to come in with 1000 words on dis topic, tellin me I is a fool, but dis is a martydrom dat I must bear.

I aint sure about de Pop yet, I fink I will just tell peeple he is German, dats gonna shock em.

I is also gettin rid of my iddles and relicks, de statue of de Verger Mary have been frown in de bin, dis is what Jessus wants me to do. Also de lock of hare of Pop Jhon-Paul II wot I pinched when nobody was lookin, dat has been fed to de Daley Telegrapph's pet goat.

From now on, I wants to be saved like you, Bosco and Eccles, and I is gonna write a blogg in a totally different style, probbably modellin it on Bosco's luvvly writins.

Of course as a member of de Calumny Chappel I aint gonna stop bein a bloody crazy ferrett, and Pastor Redlight and de others is gonna have to watch out for my feirce condamnations of dere herresies. I only doin it to help save dere soles.

Yours sincerely,
Bruvver Damain of de Calumny Chappel."

So dere we have it. As it says in de Bibble, Rome is de horse of Babbleon, and noboddy can be saved unless dey is born agin.

I will come back to our own personal affairs soon. Here is de sort of service dat awiats Damain now dat he is saved.



And here are de Cathlics expressin dere greif at losin Damain.



Maybe I got de pitchers confussed. Who knows?