Great religious bores of today

You know how it is when you get on the bus and someone comes and sits down next to you, even though there are lots of empty seats...

I'm an atheist you know, I don't believe in any of that "sky-fairy" nonsense, I've been reading a brilliant book by that man Dawkins he's an Oxford professor, he was a very famous biologist you see, discovered genes, or DNA, or memes, or something, so he knows what he's talking about.

Genes, or DNA, or memes, or something.

Anyway he's now become an expert on theology, and he points out just how vile Catholicism is, they brainwash the kids you know. See those children over there, going to St Mary's School? You can see that they're mentally scarred by the prospect of ending up in Hell. Oh well, maybe it's because they've got a French test today, anyway, they're not looking very happy, are they? Dawkins says that's worse than child abuse and he's right. He's written lots of books with long words in them, you must have heard of him he's married to that woman on Dr Who...

That woman on Dr Who.

He got up, and another man sat down next to me...

Hello, I'm a deacon you know, you can tell that because I'm wearing a biretta, I'm just as good as a priest really but you'd be surprised just how many priests look down on us and give us all the dirty jobs to do. I do baptisms you know, they're safe in my hands, you don't see many of my baptisms going wrong.

A baptism gone wrong.

The same goes with funerals, they often give me funerals to do because I never smile, but I read a big book about how to do funerals, and the main thing to remember is to stand well back so that you don't fall in the grave, it upsets the bereaved if the deacon falls in the grave. Note that I am wearing a biretta on my head. My wife ironed it, in fact she irons my head flat every morning so that the biretta will fit on top. I've also got a dalmatic, but I don't wear it on the bus, it's white with black spots, because my wife saw a film "The 101 Dalmatics" and this gave her the idea.

The 101 Dalmatics.

I can do exorcisms as well, even though deacons aren't supposed to. I woke up last night and saw the ghastly demon Ek-al-Byar leering at me, and saying "You're not a proper priest," but I said "Begone!" and turned the light on. It had turned into an old coat hanging on the wardrobe door. You see what powers I have...

Finally, another man wanted to share his grievances with me...

You're interested in religion, are you? Did you know that Pope Paul VI was replaced by a replica in 1967? Look at these photos, it proves it.

  

The real Paul VI (L) and the impostor (R).

Note how the impostor has his ring on the wrong hand. They exploited the confusion caused by Vatican II to smuggle a demon onto the throne of St Peter, so it's been Sede Vacante for the last 45 years. Look at the way Pope John-Paul II behaved - first he murdered John-Paul I, and then he bought himself a bent crucifix. It's clearly evidence that he was a demon.

Shocking behaviour by a Pope.

What's more the Mormons posthumously baptised John-Paul II, so that proves he wasn't a true Catholic. And the present Pope is the same. But I have been reading the prophecies of the end of time, and I can tell you there will be only one more Pope after the present one - probably an Englishman called Vincent - after which there will be Armageddon, and then we'll see the present Catholic church destroyed like it says in the book of Revelation.

The rightful Pope, Pius XIII.

Oh, is this your stop? Well, it's been nice hearing your views...

How to blogg like Damain

Bosco and me we is very keen on Damain Thopmson's blogg, and especailly I likes de one he does on Friday nihgt, when he chooses a randdom sellectoin of topics like David Cammeron, Doctor Who and Richard Charters, and weaves dem into a coherrent narrattive. So I fuoght I'd do de same this time.

SADO-VACANTISSM

Bosco and me we has heard dat se Chair of St Peter is vacant, and dat de last real Pop was Pius XII. Here he is, rellaxin in de gruonds of de Vattican.



Dat news has sure come as a grate surrprise to Pop Bennedict. "Well, bless my sole," he said. "I seems to be an Antipop. I better ressign at once and let someone else take over. I wonder if I is allowed to keep de red shoes?"

Bosco is waitin in de wings for de white smoke from Rom, but he have got a specail Pop shirt in scarlet dat he can wear. So if dey phons him from Rom and says, "You is de new Pop, buster, has you got a shirt to wear?" he aint gonna be fuond wantin like de foolish vergers in de Bibble.



DEMMON LOVERS

In de Calumny Chappel Bosco and me we is often given spiritaul exxercises to occupy ourselves in de service. Dis is really to stop Bosco from shoutin, "You aint saved buster," at vissitors, and allows de uvver folk to get on wiv singin de hynms about how wearin golden crowns is gonna be cool.

Our spiritaul reading is very varried. Dere was a great story about St Thommas de Tank, who duobted de truth of de resurectoin and was turned into a train. Den we quite likes de blessed Winnie de Pau from de land of milk and honney. Bosco also gets spiritaul comfort from de tale of Allice in Wonderland wot got attacked by a bunny rabit. Here is anuvver story we read recently, which was about our Anti Moly's shcool days in Pottymouth.



But dis week by mistake dey gave us a peom to read, what was called Xannadu. Dis have got some hard words in it and we didnt reely understand what it was about. Dere was somefink about a stately pleasure-dom, which suonds a bit like Farver Arfur's churhc, where he does his cosstume holly-man stand-in stuff, tellin poeple dat dey is all sinners wot can never be forgivven.



Allso dere was a bit in de peom about a woman wailin for her demmon lover.

When I got home I greeted my Anti Moly wiv a luvvin kiss. Well actaully I blew de kiss from de uvver side of de room, as I doesnt normally want to get too close, dem brokken noses takes a long time to heal.

"Is you wailin for your demmon lover, Anti Moly?" I asked.
Anti burst into tears, and said "Oh Goerge, Goerge, why did you leave me and become a Cradinal?"
"Cheer up, Anti," I said. "We just heard dat de Pop is an Antipop, so dat probbably Cardinals is Anticradinals, and de poor man will be commin back to you soon."

We now has a lotta poeple waitin by de telephon. Bosco wants his call from de Vattican to say he is de new Pop, and Anti Moly wants her Anticradinal to telephon and say he is commin to lay his heart at her grate big feet.

TEN NINE FIVE GOOD FINGS ABUOT ANTI MOLY

Some people finks dat my Anti Moly needs rehabillitatin, as if you reads dis blogg carelessly you may get de impression dat she is a bad-temperred old woman wot spends all nihgt on de Internnet insultin poeple. So I has taken it uppon myself to find 5 nice fings to say about her. It was gonna be 9, like de 9 Commandments we has in de Callumny Chappel Bibble (Bosco says de one abuot bearin false wetnurses was a mipsrint), but I ran out of ideas.

1. Anti Moly knows more Austrialan sware words dan anyone else I has met.
2. Aldough she aint saved, and she dont like de words "good" and "evil", she aint never murrdered anyone. How many poeple can say dat, Bosco?
3. Anti can drink a whole bottle of gin wivvout any change in her behavvior.
4. She got enuogh stammina to stay up until 5 a.m. bloggin every nihgt.
5. Anti's dog Cerberrus loves her very much, but she aint reely a dog pusson. We asked de vet to recommend a cat for her, and he said dat a pole cat was de anwser in her case. Dese are pussy cats from Polland, and dey will give Anti lots of luv.



Lord Tebit, what is annuvver Tellegrahp blogger, has got one, wot was givven him by Micheal Foot. So Anti is in distingiushed companny.

Well dere we are. I hope dis proves dat Farver Arfur aint got a monolopy on bein charittable.