Minutes of the ACTOR pressure group

Minutes of the A Call To Outright Rebellion pressure group, affiliated with A Call To Action, but even more cross with the Vatican.

A bus-shelter in Wigan, May 16th 2013.

Our pressure group (faces hidden to protect them from the Inquisition).

Present: three members.

Apologies for absence from Hans Küng (not allowed out in public), Tina Beattie (busy with her one-woman comedy show), Kieran Conry (got the dates wrong), Cardinal Martini (still dead), and Enda Kenny (busy getting honorary degrees from dodgy organizations).

Leonardo Boff, too busy at the North Pole making toys with his elves.

1. Message of support were received from the Tablet, our sister organization ACTA, and Richard Dawkins.

2. Reasons given for attending the meeting included:

  Actually, I was waiting for a bus, but yes I hate Catholics.
  We want dialogue.
  Give us power, brothers!
  There's nothing good on television.

3. We then all had a good whinge. Why did they introduce a new translation of the Mass that was so much like the Latin version that we all hate? Why did Pope Benedict XVI set up the Ordinariate without providing something for people like us who want to go in the opposite direction? How come the Pope isn't elected democratically by a single transferable vote system? Why do people tap their heads when we tell them we are faithful Catholics who just want to make up our own doctrine? Why do we get escorted out of Mass just for shouting "NO POPERY" at a quiet moment in the service? Why can't every parish have gay masses?

Omo-phobia is a serious problem in the Catholic church. Even the Pope uses Daz.

4. It was noted that ACTA had managed to persuade a misguided Monsignor to attend one of their meetings. It was suggested that we invite a Cardinal along next time.

Cardinal Dolan (seen here conducting a funeral) is unlikely to accept, but Cormac might.

5. It was agreed that the next meeting would take place in prestigious premises in Bolton, possibly the basement of the Dead Parrots "R" Us petshop.

6. A bus arrived, and so the meeting disbanded, vowing vengeance on the Vatican.

Pope Francis

Pope Francis is delighted with his new vestments.

Thanks to my close sources in the Vatican (© Damian Thompson) I can exclusively reveal that the college of cardinals has elected a new pope, Cardinal Belgrano of Argentina, who has taken the title Pope Francis.

Purple smoke from the Sistine Chapel: "we have elected a chemist."

Pope Francis trained as a chemist before entering the Church, and even now he is fond of making "holy smoke."

A young Fr Belgrano (R) tries to interest Hans Küng (L) in the delights of chemistry.

Menawhile, Richard Dawkins is very impressed that the new head of the Catholic church is a scientist of greater distinction than he is, and it is said that he is thinking of becoming a Catholic himself.

"Does anyone know how these rosary beads work?"

Little is known about Pope Francis except that he likes riding on buses; it is thought that his first encyclical may be an appeal for universal joy, called Laugh with everyone - or, in Latin, Omnibus Ride.

The new Popemobile.

No previous Pope has been called "Francis," and it is thought that by this choice of name the Holy Father is sending out signals about the style of papacy he intends. One possibility is that he may have chosen to be named after St Francis Sinatra.

I did it my way.

However, it may be that instead he had St Francis Howerd in mind.

Titter ye not!

Meanwhile, the BBC is trying to get to grips with the idea of a new Pope, and of course to present him in the worst possible light. When he was first shown to the crowds in St Peter's Square on Wednesday, Pope Francis took the unusual step of praying the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," prayers unknown to the BBC commentators.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor and Ed "Stewpot" Stourton discuss the use of obsolete prayers.

As a faithful Tabletista, Ed Stourton explained that "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," are traddy prayers, not suitable for the modern Catholic church. Indeed, as Catherine Pepinster will confirm, they are explicitly against the Spirit of Vatican II.

The Tablet - now preparing a hatchet job on Pope Francis.

Meanwhile, Alan Garbager of the Godruin newspaper was initially wrong-footed by the election of a Pope much more socially aware than the average leftie Godruin-reader. He was also shocked to discover that the new pontiff is an orthodox Catholic and none too keen on abortion, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or the ordination of women - activities which bring pleasure to so many people. Hence Garbager has been devoting his energies to character assassination. A few years ago he convinced Godruin-readers that Pope Benedict XVI - as a German - was certainly a Nazi war-criminal and a close personal friend of Hitler; moreover, it was claimed that in his spare time he used to pull the wings off insects.

A disciple of Pope Benedict prepares to pull the wings off an insect.

Garbager has now turned his attention to Pope Francis who - as an Argentine - is automatically assumed to have been a war-criminal and close personal friend of General Galtieri; it is said that in his spare time he pulls the ears off woolly lambs.

Argentine troops, under the direct command of Pope Francis, prepare to invade the Falklands and pull the ears off all the woolly lambs they find.

Well, that's all for now, but do spare a thought for St Malachy, who put his shirt on Cardinal Peter Turkson for Pope and lost everything.

"Eccles! How nice to see you!"

Great religious bores of today

You know how it is when you get on the bus and someone comes and sits down next to you, even though there are lots of empty seats...

I'm an atheist you know, I don't believe in any of that "sky-fairy" nonsense, I've been reading a brilliant book by that man Dawkins he's an Oxford professor, he was a very famous biologist you see, discovered genes, or DNA, or memes, or something, so he knows what he's talking about.

Genes, or DNA, or memes, or something.

Anyway he's now become an expert on theology, and he points out just how vile Catholicism is, they brainwash the kids you know. See those children over there, going to St Mary's School? You can see that they're mentally scarred by the prospect of ending up in Hell. Oh well, maybe it's because they've got a French test today, anyway, they're not looking very happy, are they? Dawkins says that's worse than child abuse and he's right. He's written lots of books with long words in them, you must have heard of him he's married to that woman on Dr Who...

That woman on Dr Who.

He got up, and another man sat down next to me...

Hello, I'm a deacon you know, you can tell that because I'm wearing a biretta, I'm just as good as a priest really but you'd be surprised just how many priests look down on us and give us all the dirty jobs to do. I do baptisms you know, they're safe in my hands, you don't see many of my baptisms going wrong.

A baptism gone wrong.

The same goes with funerals, they often give me funerals to do because I never smile, but I read a big book about how to do funerals, and the main thing to remember is to stand well back so that you don't fall in the grave, it upsets the bereaved if the deacon falls in the grave. Note that I am wearing a biretta on my head. My wife ironed it, in fact she irons my head flat every morning so that the biretta will fit on top. I've also got a dalmatic, but I don't wear it on the bus, it's white with black spots, because my wife saw a film "The 101 Dalmatics" and this gave her the idea.

The 101 Dalmatics.

I can do exorcisms as well, even though deacons aren't supposed to. I woke up last night and saw the ghastly demon Ek-al-Byar leering at me, and saying "You're not a proper priest," but I said "Begone!" and turned the light on. It had turned into an old coat hanging on the wardrobe door. You see what powers I have...

Finally, another man wanted to share his grievances with me...

You're interested in religion, are you? Did you know that Pope Paul VI was replaced by a replica in 1967? Look at these photos, it proves it.

  

The real Paul VI (L) and the impostor (R).

Note how the impostor has his ring on the wrong hand. They exploited the confusion caused by Vatican II to smuggle a demon onto the throne of St Peter, so it's been Sede Vacante for the last 45 years. Look at the way Pope John-Paul II behaved - first he murdered John-Paul I, and then he bought himself a bent crucifix. It's clearly evidence that he was a demon.

Shocking behaviour by a Pope.

What's more the Mormons posthumously baptised John-Paul II, so that proves he wasn't a true Catholic. And the present Pope is the same. But I have been reading the prophecies of the end of time, and I can tell you there will be only one more Pope after the present one - probably an Englishman called Vincent - after which there will be Armageddon, and then we'll see the present Catholic church destroyed like it says in the book of Revelation.

The rightful Pope, Pius XIII.

Oh, is this your stop? Well, it's been nice hearing your views...

Parish of St Daryl the Apostate

Father Arthur writes:

REINTERPRETING ST PAUL. Today's epistle of St Paul to the Ephesians is a challenge to us, isn't it? How can St Paul's words "Wives should be subject to their husbands as to the Lord" possibly apply in the 21st century?

Of course, what Paul really meant was that one member of each married couple should be designated the "husband," while the other should be designated the "wife." It is not necessary for the husband to be male, nor the wife to be female. Indeed, in our modern world, where couples may be same-sex, transgendered, or "don't-know," it is important to escape from sexual stereotyping. St Paul, although he suffered from the disadvantage of living in a world where access to birth-control, abortion and pornography were severely limited, would certainly have agreed that this is the only way to go.

In our family, I'm the one who wears the trousers.

FREE MASS ON. This week, St Daryl's was pleased to welcome our Masonic brethren for a truly ecumenical Mass. Although, technically the Vatican has shown a slight disapproval of freemasonry in the past, as in Pope Ignitus's frankly-worded Encyclical De Masone Comburendo, we freely admit that we at St Daryl's are in the vanguard when it comes to liberal thinking. We all had a great time at the "Free Mass," especially when I said "roll up your trouser legs" and the congregation replied "we roll them up unto the Lord." Moreoever, the "funny handshake of peace" with our neighbours was another innovation that we may well use again in future weeks.

Masons - helping us to build bridges.

PUSSY RIOTS. Likewise, we at St Daryl's are showing our support for the so-called "Pussy Riot" girls, who attempted to bring the fresh air of liberalism into the stuffy old Orthodox church. We are making a humble gesture of solidarity with these heroic rebels against misogyny, capitalism and (Fr Pau, please find out what they were actually demonstrating against and fill in something here. Thanks) as this photo, taken before Sunday's Mass, indicates.

Our altar-servers, in their new vestments, waiting for "kick-off."

ST DARYL'S CAR PARK. In this era, when the main spiritual issues that concern us are global warming, climate change, the melting of the ice caps, and the extinction of fluffy polar bears, it is obviously unreasonable for us to come to church by car (Michael Mann, our churchwarden, has done a statistical analysis and says that every time a car parks at St Daryl's a fairy dies). Therefore, we have begun work to convert the church car park into a bus station, complete with a fast food outlet, newsagent's and "gay" bar (all profits to church funds). Unfortunately, this has necessitated the demolition of our shrine to the blessed St Daryl, but we must all make sacrifices in the name of progress.

The environmentally friendly way to travel to Mass.

LATELY DEAD. Keir Bertrand Russell Lenin Jones, age 85. Stanley Baldwin Kitchener Allenby Robinson, age 94. (Miss) Laurel Hardy Chaplin Groucho Brown, age 83.

RECENT BAPTISMS. David Harper Seven United Smith. Gaga Beyoncé Wilson. Julian Assange Ecuador Asil Nadir Taylor.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

Fr Dawkins (R) greets a devout worshipper (L)

1. So The Dawkins Cult began to flourish, and the faithful Dawkinsites met every Sunday to sing hymns to their god.

2. They sang Through the night of Dawkins sorrow, and What a friend we have in Richard, yeah, and even O Come, All Ye Faithless [that's enough atheist hymns. God.]

A meeting of the Dawkins Foundation

3. And Richard said, "My work is not yet done. I shall found the Out Campaign, so that atheists may come out of the closet, and declare themselves publicly."

4. For do not the Christians shout abuse at us, yeah, even beat us up when they come out of Midnight Mass?

An atheist comes out of the closet

5. And it was so. And Richard saw that it was good.

6. So then Richard said, "Now let there be a fleet of buses, which may carry forth our message to the world in no uncertain terms."

7. And the first message was a message of War, which struck terror into the hearts of the Christians, the Muslims, and the Jews. A mighty army of buses bore this writing, in words of fire:

8. THERE'S PROBABLY NO GOD, BUT LET'S FACE IT WE COULD BE WRONG. THERE'S NO POINT BEING DOGMATIC ABOUT THESE THINGS. WHAT IF HE DECIDES TO SMITE US?

9. And the second message was a message of Peace, which struck terror into the hearts of counsellors, psychiatrists and social workers everywhere, as they realised that they were going to lose many customers:

10. ANYWAY, DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT IT. WHY NOT JUST SIT DOWN AND HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA?

11. And Richard obtained his bus driver's licence, that he might drive round the country with his twin messages of War and Peace.

12. And many men entered into the buses of Richard, paid their fares, and were taken for a ride. Which was only to be expected.

A veteran of the bus wars

13. And at about this time, Richard reached the noble age of three score years and seven.

14. And the learned dons of Oxford said, "At last! We can be shot of the old coot, who is, frankly, a bit of an embarrassment to us."

15. And to make sure that he really was going, they erected a mighty silver statue in memory of the great man.

The Dawkins Monument, Oxford

16. But this was not the end of Richard's illustrious career, as we shall see.

Continued in Chapter 11

Vatican II - 50 years on

Monsignor Basil Foltus, who in 1962 was a high-flying priest in his late forties, played an important role in persuading the Second Vatican Council to throw away the Church's ancient traditions. He reflects modestly on some of the reforms he instigated.

Basil Foltus as a young priest

Which way should the priest face at Mass?

The answer to this question was obvious to me. When I ride on an omnibus, I don't want the driver to turn his back on me, in order to see where he's going, I want him to turn round and talk to me. "Monsignor Foltus, how kind of you to grace our humble omnibus with your presence! Where do you want me to take you?" he should say. In the same way, the priest should turn round, face the congregation, and ask them, "Where do you want me to take you?"

Pre-Vatican II omnibus crash on Loftus Bank, Yorkshire

Or to put it another way, should a church be more like an omnibus, or a theatre? Do we go to church because we want to follow the priest towards God, or because we want him to entertain us?

Latin - Requiescat In Pace

One casus belli at the 2nd Vatican Council was which lingua franca we should adopt for masses de futuro. We had an in camera debate on this, and I saw that it was ipso facto necessary to lead the Catholic faithful into terra incognita. You may well say "De minimis non curat lex," but whoever heard of the plebs speaking Latin? After all, cui bono?, as I pointed out. This made me a persona non grata in some circles - I remember saying "Et, tu, Brute?" to the Pope himself - but "Carpe diem" is my motto, and muttering "Excelsior!" to myself, I went on to make a prima facie case for abolishing Latin, using a powerful reductio ad absurdum argument ad nauseam, namely, "Vox Populi, Vox Dei." Having won the debate, my only thoughts were "Labor omnia vincit." Well, "Veni, vidi, vici," and we may finally say, "Quod erat demonstrandum!"

We never sing "Cave canem" at Masses in my church

Significantly, Vatican II was an opportunity to give the liturgy a good shake-up. When people come to Confession with me, I no longer ask them to say five Hail Marys as a penance - no, they are told to sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" five times. They don't come back, I can tell you!

Giving a lead to the church

Although, nominally, the leader of the Catholic Church is now a young chap operating under the alias of Benedict XVI, I still see it as my role to direct the faithful away from the sort of fuddy-duddy traditionalism that might have appealed to my father's generation - people such as Augustine and Aquinas, that is. Vatican II was the New Pentecost - the time that the Holy Spirit settled on Basil Foltus and inspired him to lead the Church into pastures new.

The author (in striped dressing-gown) witnesses the New Pentecost

I am a strong believer in free speech, and you may have heard of my threats of legal action against Fr Michael Clifton and Fr Ray Blake - dreadful traditionalists clinging to outmoded beliefs. I simply wanted them to have their say, of course, and I thought that a court of law might be the best place for it. But, in general, the Catholic Church appreciates all that I have done for it, and I still receive tokens of esteem from grateful worshippers.

A gift from an anonymous admirer