The Book of St Richard, Chapter 14

Continued from Chapter 13

1. Now it came to pass that Richard decided that the world needed to hear his views on politics.

A proposal for constitutional change.

2. And Richard bade the Queen to retire, that she be replaced by a president; for he said unto himself, "Perchance the British people will wish to elect an expert on chickens, genes and memes, with a First Lady from Gallifrey."

3. But the Queen hardened her heart, and refused to go. And Richard wept.

4. Then in the tenth year of the millennium, Richard spake unto the world saying "I agree with Nick," which is to say, "Vote ye not for the very rich man called Ca-me-ron, neither for the poor man called Brown, whose insanity is legendary. Nay, vote ye for the one called Clegg, he that is called woeful."

5. Now Clegg was a man of great virtue, for it was said that he had slept with fewer than 30 women.

Clegg (left) faileth to sleep with a thirty-first woman.

6. Moreover, Clegg said in his heart "There is no God."

7. Indeed Clegg was inclined to say that "by God" was written "bigot," although he spake not these words when his wife was in the room and armed with the wooden pin that rolleth. For it smiteth as well.

Richard Dawkins, agreeing with Nick.

8. And Lo! the first miracle of St Richard came to pass. For Nick, a man with no visible talents, was exalted greatly, and became the second minister of the land.

9. And Nick said to himself, "I am now a man set under authority, having under me many men, and I say unto one, 'Go,' and he goeth; well, in fact he replieth 'Get lost, for it is not official party policy,' but at least in theory he might go some time."

10. Then, following the miraculous elevation of Nick, Richard spake out again, saying, "Faith schools are a menace." And the high priests and scholars were sore afraid, saying "What meaneth the old fool now?"

Voodoo - as taught in all faith schools.

11. For, Richard argued, it is wrong to teach any religious views to a poor innocent child, unless they have been approved by the Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

12. But the world mocked Richard for his foolishness. Thus proving the truth of the old adage, "Even saints can have off days."

13. Now a mighty conflict was brewing in the West, between two pious and religious men, named Obama and Romney.

14. And Richard's heart was torn. For Obama was a devout Christian, who attended church on the 29th day of February each year. And Romney was a latter-day saint, which is even better than an ordinary saint. And neither worshipped at the Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

15. So the land of America waited eagerly to see which way Richard would tell them to vote.

Your future lies in the hands of an Oxford zoologist.

Continued in Chapter 15.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12

1. And it came to pass that the fame of Richard spread abroad, even unto Sri Lanka, and there came wise men from the East who would name a fish after him.

The dawkins

2. And Richard was greatly pleased; for he said "My friend Anthony Grayling hath given his name unto a fish, and even my friend Stephen Fry hath given his name unto the young of the fish. Now my name will also live for evermore.

3. For from generation unto generation, men will enter into the shop that is called Harry Ramsden's, and say 'Dawkins and chips, please, darling.'"

Richard's main contribution to the study of fish

4. And the name of Dawkins became known throughout the fish-loving world; yeah, his words became as famous as the words of the philosopher Captain Haddock, he who once spake of the ten thousand thundering typhoons.

Captain Haddock reads of Richard's work on shellfish genes.

5. And now (finally) began the long spiritual journey of Richard, that which began with unbelief and ended with his being taken up to Heaven.

6. For Richard began to question his faith for the first time in his life. "Yeah," he said, "I am not an atheist, he who denieth God. I am an agnostic, he who hath not much of a clue about anything."

7. And he was told of the words of the philosopher Wittgenstein, he who said "If thou knowest not what thou talkest about, then shut up."

8. "But I cannot shut up," said Richard, "for I have many followers, who worship at the Dawkins foundation of reason and science. They cannot think for themselves, so where will they go if I allow my lips to cease their eternal motion?"

9. So Richard went to Cambridge, and visited the tomb of Wittgenstein. And lo! a sign was given unto him.

A chicken at Wittgenstein's grave

10. For there was a chicken at the tomb, and it spake unto Richard, saying "Cluck!"

11. And Richard, who had written a thesis on chicken behaviour, knew that this meant, "Be silent, O fool!" or possibly "May I offer you a worm?"

12. And Richard saw this sign and said in his heart, "Now I am confused indeed."

13. But lo! there now came into his life a wondrous book, which was set to confuse Richard even more.

What wisdom lies inside this wondrous book?

Continued in Chapter 14

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

Fr Dawkins (R) greets a devout worshipper (L)

1. So The Dawkins Cult began to flourish, and the faithful Dawkinsites met every Sunday to sing hymns to their god.

2. They sang Through the night of Dawkins sorrow, and What a friend we have in Richard, yeah, and even O Come, All Ye Faithless [that's enough atheist hymns. God.]

A meeting of the Dawkins Foundation

3. And Richard said, "My work is not yet done. I shall found the Out Campaign, so that atheists may come out of the closet, and declare themselves publicly."

4. For do not the Christians shout abuse at us, yeah, even beat us up when they come out of Midnight Mass?

An atheist comes out of the closet

5. And it was so. And Richard saw that it was good.

6. So then Richard said, "Now let there be a fleet of buses, which may carry forth our message to the world in no uncertain terms."

7. And the first message was a message of War, which struck terror into the hearts of the Christians, the Muslims, and the Jews. A mighty army of buses bore this writing, in words of fire:

8. THERE'S PROBABLY NO GOD, BUT LET'S FACE IT WE COULD BE WRONG. THERE'S NO POINT BEING DOGMATIC ABOUT THESE THINGS. WHAT IF HE DECIDES TO SMITE US?

9. And the second message was a message of Peace, which struck terror into the hearts of counsellors, psychiatrists and social workers everywhere, as they realised that they were going to lose many customers:

10. ANYWAY, DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT IT. WHY NOT JUST SIT DOWN AND HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA?

11. And Richard obtained his bus driver's licence, that he might drive round the country with his twin messages of War and Peace.

12. And many men entered into the buses of Richard, paid their fares, and were taken for a ride. Which was only to be expected.

A veteran of the bus wars

13. And at about this time, Richard reached the noble age of three score years and seven.

14. And the learned dons of Oxford said, "At last! We can be shot of the old coot, who is, frankly, a bit of an embarrassment to us."

15. And to make sure that he really was going, they erected a mighty silver statue in memory of the great man.

The Dawkins Monument, Oxford

16. But this was not the end of Richard's illustrious career, as we shall see.

Continued in Chapter 11

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 9

Continued from Chapter 8

1. And Richard spake, saying, "None of the existing religions has quite got the true message of Creation, that I am God and alone worthy of worship. So I shall found a new religion, and it shall be called The Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science."

The book of Gene-sis

2. And many multitudes came to worship Richard, yeah, even impressionable teenage girls, who screamed and threw their underwear onto the stage whereon he strode.

3. And Richard said, "This is very gratifying, but I cannot sing, and most of my fans have already heard my famous lecture on Why did the chicken's genes tell it to cross the road?"

4. So he sent forth messengers to search through the collected wisdom of the ages (Google and Wikipedia), to obtain some suggestions for what makes a popular religion.

5. And the messengers returned and said, "Tax-free status. Regular collections of money. Polygamy. Big buildings. Brain washing. Human sacrifices. Hymns. Women covering their entire body in a sheet. Yours could be the first religion to do all these at once."

6. So Richard struggled for many months, and finally obtained tax-free status. For the Charity Commissioners said "It seems to us that you're just a barking mad self-publicist. Why do you not try and be more like Tom Cruise, Sun Myung Moon, Mitt Romney, and other pious saintly men? But we suppose we'll have to let you get away with it."

7. And Richard said, "Indeed, we plan to adopt some of the ideas of other churches, in a secular context. I quite like the idea of polygamy, as although I have had three wives, I have never had more than one at once."

Tipped as a possible "back-up" wife for Richard Dawkins

8. But his third wife Lalla smote Richard with a frying-pan, and he decided that after all polygamy was not a high priority. Likewise, she refused to cover her entire body in a sheet, so he quietly dropped that idea too.

9. And Richard spake, saying, "It is important to educate the masses, that they may be my worshippers all their life."

10. "Let me present the DAWKOTRON, which will cleanse the brains of my disciples, the Dawkies, from any lingering thoughts of other religions."

The Dawkotron in action

11. And Richard launched an online shop, dawkins.ripoffs.com, wherein the faithful Dawkies could buy relics of their god.

12. And he sold recordings of his inspiring speeches: "I have a meme" (Hitchens's Bar in Washington D.C.), "I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat, and tears - here's my DNA sample" (Scotland Yard interview room), and "Government of the genes, by the genes, for the genes, shall not perish from the earth" (Gettysburg Lunatic Asylum).

13. Then there were shirts, ties, strait-jackets, and saucy underwear, all tastefully embroidered with the motto of the Foundation.

Dawkins is God

14. And Dawkins looked the the finances, and lo! they were very good. For his latest book The God Confusion had been translated into 94 vibrant languages, including Ancient Macedonian, Paleo-Norman and Crimean Gothic, while The Dawkins Cult was attracting many worshippers anxious to be parted from their money.

15. So that all The Dawkins Cult lacked to make it a proper religion was a temple, and some catchy hymns to sing. As we shall see.

Continued in Chapter 10