Genesis

This is the first chapter in the Eccles Bible project, where we explain the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard, who knows something about science, but does not really understand life.

Let there be light! Genesis 1:3.

Now, I am not taking a fundamentalist everything-is-literally-true or even a sola scriptura approach in this project. And Richard, old man, if you get to the end of my course and become a protestant rather than a catholic, that's fine too. A great improvement on atheism, I can assure you. Indeed, I'm mostly going to be using the King James Bible: I know you think it's a great piece of literature - although mysteriously, your wife tells me that there are lots of holes in your personal copy, where the words God, Jesus, Christ, Heaven, Devil, Sin etc. have been excised with a pair of scissors (and, oddly, the word Rome, too).

Now there are several problems that Richard finds with Genesis, because he assumes it is intended to be read as a completely literal account of events.

God created the world in six days, ending up with man, and - as an improvement - woman.

Stephen Hawking explains the mathematics behind Genesis, Chapter 1.

Well, it seems that what the authors of Genesis are suggesting is that the universe did come into being, somehow or other, and that gradually different creatures emerged, until one of them became identifiable with the intelligent, thinking, wise beings we see around us today - those who read the Daily Mailand watch Top Gear, and use these media as ways of understanding the deeper mysteries of life.

So God created man in his own image. Genesis 1:27.

Apples, talking snakes, etc. What a load of rubbish!

Now, stop being silly, Richard. The Adam and Eve story as a legend, all to do with Man's attempts to defy the will of God. It does not need to be literally true in ever particular to convey a message to us.

Man's downfall. Genesis 3:6.

What's more, although mainstream Christians tend not to believe in the literal truth of a story involving talking snakes, there is no particular reason why a talking snake could not exist - after all, we have talking birds and talking mammals....

A talking gorilla (L) and a talking snake (R).

The rest is all primitive stuff about bronze-age goatherds.

Well, we have to admit that several of the characters in Genesis (and there are many interesting ones, such as Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, and so forth) would have lived in the bronze age, and some of them would have owned goats. But then, Richard lives in the plastic age and wrote a D.Phil. about chickens, so we don't seem to have moved on significantly.

Let's get on to Jacob, and see what he has to say.

Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man. Genesis 27:11.

Well, yes, that's one thing he said, although not necessarily the most important.

Look, I'm a busy man. What is the point of Genesis?

Well, Richard, it's the beginning of Man's story. It shows that people are not perfect, and they commit sins. The best people are trying to understand who God is and what He wants (a question not completely answered to everyone's satisfaction even now). We first encounter Israel - initially an alias for Jacob, but then a name for his many descendants - which will become quite important later on, especially when we get to see God's plans.

Jacob (alias Israel) has an odd dream. Genesis 28:12.

Now you see the problem that Genesis poses for materialists and secularists. First, you have to go for the meaning behind the legends, rather than worrying whether Methuselah literally lived for 969 years or only 96. Second, there are the underlying themes that God is out there and that sometimes we actually do wrong things - even you, Richard. There, there, don't cry, dry your eyes... here's a handkerchief. Now, give us a big blow! Well done.

A fellow of New College, Oxford, discovers that he is a sinner.

Let's take the later part of Genesis as "oral tradition," which someone finally wrote down. It seems probable that Abraham and co. really did exist, and did roughly the things attributed to them. When we eventually get onto the New Testament, we'll see something more in the line of eye-witness accounts, and literal truth will be more important.

So, our story today ends with the people of Israel settling in Egypt. This turns out not to be what they really wanted, but we'll find out more about this when we get on to Exodus.

So Joseph died... in Egypt. Genesis 50:26.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 9

Continued from Chapter 8

1. And Richard spake, saying, "None of the existing religions has quite got the true message of Creation, that I am God and alone worthy of worship. So I shall found a new religion, and it shall be called The Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science."

The book of Gene-sis

2. And many multitudes came to worship Richard, yeah, even impressionable teenage girls, who screamed and threw their underwear onto the stage whereon he strode.

3. And Richard said, "This is very gratifying, but I cannot sing, and most of my fans have already heard my famous lecture on Why did the chicken's genes tell it to cross the road?"

4. So he sent forth messengers to search through the collected wisdom of the ages (Google and Wikipedia), to obtain some suggestions for what makes a popular religion.

5. And the messengers returned and said, "Tax-free status. Regular collections of money. Polygamy. Big buildings. Brain washing. Human sacrifices. Hymns. Women covering their entire body in a sheet. Yours could be the first religion to do all these at once."

6. So Richard struggled for many months, and finally obtained tax-free status. For the Charity Commissioners said "It seems to us that you're just a barking mad self-publicist. Why do you not try and be more like Tom Cruise, Sun Myung Moon, Mitt Romney, and other pious saintly men? But we suppose we'll have to let you get away with it."

7. And Richard said, "Indeed, we plan to adopt some of the ideas of other churches, in a secular context. I quite like the idea of polygamy, as although I have had three wives, I have never had more than one at once."

Tipped as a possible "back-up" wife for Richard Dawkins

8. But his third wife Lalla smote Richard with a frying-pan, and he decided that after all polygamy was not a high priority. Likewise, she refused to cover her entire body in a sheet, so he quietly dropped that idea too.

9. And Richard spake, saying, "It is important to educate the masses, that they may be my worshippers all their life."

10. "Let me present the DAWKOTRON, which will cleanse the brains of my disciples, the Dawkies, from any lingering thoughts of other religions."

The Dawkotron in action

11. And Richard launched an online shop, dawkins.ripoffs.com, wherein the faithful Dawkies could buy relics of their god.

12. And he sold recordings of his inspiring speeches: "I have a meme" (Hitchens's Bar in Washington D.C.), "I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat, and tears - here's my DNA sample" (Scotland Yard interview room), and "Government of the genes, by the genes, for the genes, shall not perish from the earth" (Gettysburg Lunatic Asylum).

13. Then there were shirts, ties, strait-jackets, and saucy underwear, all tastefully embroidered with the motto of the Foundation.

Dawkins is God

14. And Dawkins looked the the finances, and lo! they were very good. For his latest book The God Confusion had been translated into 94 vibrant languages, including Ancient Macedonian, Paleo-Norman and Crimean Gothic, while The Dawkins Cult was attracting many worshippers anxious to be parted from their money.

15. So that all The Dawkins Cult lacked to make it a proper religion was a temple, and some catchy hymns to sing. As we shall see.

Continued in Chapter 10

Evidence for Creationism found

Astounding new archaeological evidence has just been found by workmen in Iraq laying the foundations for a new Tesco superstore. This may prove once and for all that the book of Genesis is literally true, and not just the allegorical legend that most Christians believe it to be.

God's to-do list

The first artefact that came to light was a to-do list dated 23rd October 4004 B.C., which clearly shows God's intentions for the first week of Creation. We do not have space to reproduce it all here, but it clearly backs up the Genesis narrative, even going so far as to say: Day 7 - the weekend (Hoorah!) Maybe a day trip to Bridlington?

Bridlington - is this where God spent His first rest day?

Perhaps the most controversial part of the book of Genesis is the Garden of Eden story, but some other relics dug up (curiously, in the area which will become the Tesco fruit department) include a strange-looking apple core with toothmarks in it. There is also the skeleton of a large snake, together with a microphone and recording system. This indicated that not only could the serpent talk, it was actually a singer of some ability, for it had produced a sampler CD (no, not on the Apple label, that would be anachronistic) on which it was singing various songs in a sibilant voice.

Does the Devil have all the best tunes?

Digging a bit deeper, the workmen came across a flaming sword, now extinguished, with the label on it "Health and Safety Warning - Only to be Used by Trained Angels." It is believed that this also has something to do with the Genesis narrative.

Excavations are still continuing, and we hope to be able to report on them in a future blog posting. We may also doorstep Rowan Williams, the Pope, the Chief Rabbi, Richard Dawkins, Tom Cruise, and other learned theologians to obtain their views on these sensational findings.

BREAKING NEWS: the workmen have just found some discarded under-clothing, apparently made from hard-wearing Figleafene (TM). Could this have belonged to Adam and Eve?

A family snapshot found at the site, possibly taken by God