Evidence for Creationism found

Astounding new archaeological evidence has just been found by workmen in Iraq laying the foundations for a new Tesco superstore. This may prove once and for all that the book of Genesis is literally true, and not just the allegorical legend that most Christians believe it to be.

God's to-do list

The first artefact that came to light was a to-do list dated 23rd October 4004 B.C., which clearly shows God's intentions for the first week of Creation. We do not have space to reproduce it all here, but it clearly backs up the Genesis narrative, even going so far as to say: Day 7 - the weekend (Hoorah!) Maybe a day trip to Bridlington?

Bridlington - is this where God spent His first rest day?

Perhaps the most controversial part of the book of Genesis is the Garden of Eden story, but some other relics dug up (curiously, in the area which will become the Tesco fruit department) include a strange-looking apple core with toothmarks in it. There is also the skeleton of a large snake, together with a microphone and recording system. This indicated that not only could the serpent talk, it was actually a singer of some ability, for it had produced a sampler CD (no, not on the Apple label, that would be anachronistic) on which it was singing various songs in a sibilant voice.

Does the Devil have all the best tunes?

Digging a bit deeper, the workmen came across a flaming sword, now extinguished, with the label on it "Health and Safety Warning - Only to be Used by Trained Angels." It is believed that this also has something to do with the Genesis narrative.

Excavations are still continuing, and we hope to be able to report on them in a future blog posting. We may also doorstep Rowan Williams, the Pope, the Chief Rabbi, Richard Dawkins, Tom Cruise, and other learned theologians to obtain their views on these sensational findings.

BREAKING NEWS: the workmen have just found some discarded under-clothing, apparently made from hard-wearing Figleafene (TM). Could this have belonged to Adam and Eve?

A family snapshot found at the site, possibly taken by God

Bad hymns 3

 Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is the Pentecost hymn Enemy of Apathy by John L. Bell and Graham Maule. As usual, we invited the authors to come along and explain themselves.

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E: Welcome, the two of you. Since your hymn isn't as well-known as some of the others we have been discussing, perhaps you could sing the first verse to us?

JLB and GM: She sits like a bird, brooding on the waters, 

Hovering on the chaos of the world's first day; 

She sighs and she sings, mothering creation, 

Waiting to give birth to all the Word will say.

E: Thank you. So who is "she" in this context? In the office we were betting that it was either Mary Magdalene or possibly an Old Testament figure such as Eve, Sarah or Ruth. Not the Blessed Virgin Mary, given that you are being so rude about her?

JLB: Rude?

E: "She sits like a bird." Now, birds sit in lots of different ways. Do you mean she sits like a chicken? A penguin? A duck?

Sitting like a duck.

GM: Well, "she" is the Holy Spirit, so I suppose we should have said "She sits like a dove."

E: The Holy Spirit? Well, if you want to say the Holy Spirit is female, then I suppose we can't stop you, even if there's no real Biblical authority for this idea.You're not Wiccans, are you? Mother Earth Goddess stuff? No?

JLB: No. Well, yes. But not really.

E: Now, we were wondering  about the next line. "Hovering on the chaos of the world's first day." Very fine, but how does a bird sit and hover at the same time?

GM: You're going to ask us next how a dove sighs and sings at the same time, too, aren't you?

E: Well, I was wondering. Actually, the song reminds me a little of Gilbert and Sullivan. Some of your clunkier phrases later on, such as "Nourishing potential hidden to our eyes" or "Enemy of apathy and heavenly dove" could be taken straight out of The Mikado, couldn't they?

JLB: No.

GM: Did you like "She dances in fire, startling her spectators"? I wrote that bit. That's real poetry, that is.

E: Of course, spectators would be startled to see anyone dancing in fire. Do birds dance though? I think you've got a bit of a metaphor overload problem there.

She dances in fire.

GM: He's not taking this seriously, is he, John?

JLB: No. (Exeunt.)

E: John L. Bell and Graham Maule, thank you for coming along to explain your song.

De Debate of De Centurry

We is pleased to provvide a trancsript of de Debate of De Centurry, where a biollogist and a theologgian debates de exisstence of God. We hopes it is more successful dan last week's Debate of De Centurry, where a nuclear phsyicist and an art crittic debated de existence of de Higgs Bosson.



Dat's de biollogist, Richard Dakwins (right), rellaxin wiv an uniddentified freind.



And dat's de theologgian, Rowan Willaims (right), wiv a poor beggar wot aint got proper clothes.

De referee is Sir Antony Kenney, wot is a black belt in Juddo, and able to stop de two prottagonists from killin each uvver.



Let de debate commence!

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Dawkins: Let me say first of all, as a trained biologist, that snakes cannot talk. I wrote a thesis in animal behaviour, and spent 3 years trying to persuade a serpent to say "Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" but it never got further than "Dawkins, you're an idiot." See? I've refuted one of the main tenets of your faith. Admit it, Beardie. Go on, admit it.

Williams: Thank you, Richard. May I say that this is a most useful and constructive contribution to our dialogue. In one sense, are we not all struggling to articulate an awareness of our own idiocy? Let me bring in philosophy for a moment.

Dawkins: Philosophy? That means "stamp-collecting," doesn't it? I've never had any time for it.

Williams: Well, in a very real sense it means that. But, if I may go further, it is also to do with the fundamental problems of our existence. Are we really here? I may be sticking my neck out here, but I like to think that, in many ways, there is something to be said for the theory that we are.

Dawkins: Talking of stamps... when I put a letter in a red box and it is magically transported to another place, am I supposed to deduce from that the existence of a postman? No, it is the genetic code in the envelope causing it to move of its own accord.

Williams: Perhaps I could venture to bring in Jesus Christ here, since we were talking about religion earlier?

Dawkins: Who?

Williams: Well, He appears later on in the Bible, and in a very real sense may be regarded as a somewhat relevant and meaningful person in the context of Christian thought.

Dawkins: Oh I stopped reading after Genesis. What a load of rubbish that was. What's the point of it? It was written by King James in 1611, anyway. What did he know about evolutionary biology? Look, we were all living in the Dark Ages until Darwin came along with his ground-breaking book called, um, "The Origin of the..." er... Oh my God, what's it called... it's on the tip of my tongue...

Williams: Species?

Dawkins: Yes, I like making speeches, and love having huge crowds of adoring teenagers saying "Richard, how can one man be so brilliant?" Have you ever read Genesis? That God chap. What a monster, eh? Took Adam, ripped his rib out, and made a woman out of it. When I was a research biologist I was able to show that it wasn't possible to make a whole woman out of a man's rib. All I could make was a rather nice table lamp. And even then I had to buy the wires and the bulb. Well, that proves that you Christians know nothing.

Williams: Well, it's not my job to preach to you, but...

Kenny: We're going to have to wrap this debate up soon, but do you have any final philosophical points to make? Does Occam's Razor tell us something?

Williams: Ha ha, I'm afraid I don't use Occam's Razor. And when I read the works of Bernard Shaw, I realised that Shavian philosophy was not for me either.

Dawkins: Well, I must be toddling off now, I've got a "Dawkins Youth" rally to attend. Don't think I'm one of those dreadful atheists, I'm just a humble agnostic who wants the Pope burnt at the stake. (Exit)

Williams: I thought that went very well, didn't you? In one sense we are all saying the same thing about religion, and sharing some very positive dialogue about whether God really exists. It reminds me of the General Synod.