When I was a lad...

If you didn't enjoy I've got a little list, I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic, or The nightmare song, then you certainly won't enjoy this one. In case the original is unfamiliar, it may be found here, for example.

Ready for the song...

When I was a lad I spent six terms
At Oxford, studying the voles and worms.
I also learnt about the frogs and mice,
And camels, crocodiles, and goats and lice.
I learned so much about zoologee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learned so much about zoologee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Ready for the next verse...

To reach the top I had to climb uphill,
And started studying for my D.Phil.
I wrote a thesis about how hens behaved:
For four long years upon this work I slaved.
I understood those chickens so successfullee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He understood those chickens so successfullee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

A well-understood chicken.

Of chicken-knowledge I acquired such a grip,
Those Oxford dons gave me a lectureship.
I told the students everything I knew
And most of them came back for Lecture 2.
I taught those students so efficientlee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He taught those students so efficientlee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

The Elvis gene.

In public life I came upon the scene
By writing something called The selfish gene.
Of fame and glory I began to dream
When people said they liked my new word, "Meme".
I grew so used to saying "Me me me"
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He grew so used to saying "Me me me"
That now he is an expert on theologee!

On to the next verse, dudes!

I wrote another book - it was a grind - 
Of watches made by someone who was blind.
On evolution I was now expert
And treated all religious views like dirt.
I studied Darwin so assiduouslee
That now I am an expert on theologee!
 
CHORUS: He studied Darwin so assiduouslee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

The Ascent of Darwin.

In private life I'd been a little bored,
But my third wife was actress Lalla Ward.
She was no scientist, it's true,
Although she'd come to fame in Dr Who.
I learnt so much from planet Gallifree
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learnt so much from planet Gallifree
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Mrs Dawkins enjoys an audio book of The Blind Watchmaker.

I walked one day around New College quad,
And thought "I know, I'll start attacking God!"
The God Delusion was the book I wrote:
Its healthy sales made me show off and gloat.
The masses so much liked tomfooleree
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: The masses so much liked tomfooleree
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Richard helps a poor mad woman onto his bus.

I got up to a few more tricks
By baiting Anglicans and Catholics.
I tried to persecute the Pope:
I said "Arrest him!" They replied "You dope!"
I hassled Christians so effectivelee
They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

CHORUS: I hassled Christians so effectivelee
They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

Monsieur, je vous accuse d'être le Pape.

Now readers all, whoever you may be,
If you want to be an expert on theologee,
Don't read the Bible, Augustine, Jerome,
Or any writings from those men in Rome.
Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

CHORUS: Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

That's not how I became an expert on theology.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 5

Continued from Chapter 4

1. So it came to pass that Richard called his book The Blind Watchmaker.

2. For the wise men of Oxford University Press had said unto him, "Your title The bloody useless clockmaker is a no-no, squire."

3. But Richard spake unto them saying, "I care not, really. Just keep sending me the royalties."

The blind watchmaker passes on his genes

4. And Richard was hailed as the new Darwin, yea, the only man who really understood how evolution worked.

5. And he considered chartering a boat, and sailing to the Galapagos islands therein, that he might improve on the work of Darwin, and perhaps become even more celebrated.

6. But in the end Richard hardened his heart against the idea; which is why we have no classic Voyage of the Chicken, to place alongside the Voyage of the Beagle.

Wildlife on the Galapagos Islands

7. Then Richard spake unto the World, saying, "Genetics is dead. Long live Memetics."

8. And those who liked Richard said, "His work has some memetic value," while those who did not said, "His work has some emetic value," which sounds exactly the same, really; no doubt both were right.

9. So the fame of Richard spread, and he won many awards. The Mooseknuckle Humanists' Club gave him their prestigious Golden Spleen award, and the Emperor Nero Burn-the-Christians revivalists presented him with a pair of engraved silver noseplugs.

10. And Richard was invited to give the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures for Children. Which is ironic, as he was neither a royalist nor a Christian, even if he belonged in an institution.

An audience of children listens with rapt attention

11. And Richard insisted that Christianity and Creationism were the same thing, and that this disproved Christianity. Q.E.D.

12. And God laughed.

13. Finally, even the men of Oxford recognised Richard's greatness, for they promoted him to the rank of Reader in Zoology, which means, "Not quite good enough to be a professor, but still pretty sound on chickens."

14. But there were men who spake against Richard, saying, "He is totally la-la, and needs to be in a mental home."

15. So they sought a hospital with a special ward for deluded megalomaniacs, which might be called the La-la Ward.

16. Which will bring us naturally to the next chapter, for by now Richard had put aside his second wife, and was driven by his genes to seek a third.

The Blind Matchmaker

Continued in Chapter 6

Just a Minute

Nicholas Parsons (for it is he). Welcome to this week's edition of "Just a Minute," the show where contestants have to talk for one minute on a given subject without (a) being rude about anyone, (b) rolling on the floor laughing, or (c) talking about their boring family.

Tonight's guests are Moly Badnite, also known as the Great Australian Blight; Damian Thompson, who asked me to mention his new book; Ken Livingstone, politician and clown; and lastly Richard Dawkins, founder of the Dawkinsology cult. And we start with Moly, who has to speak for just a minute on the subject of Beethoven.

MB: Of course I had a very good musical education in Australia, and was I able to play all the Beethoven piano sonatas by the time I was 3 years old. I know them all, the Pathetic, the Woeful, the Hammersockenpuppet, etc., thanks to my father who was a personal friend of Beethoven and... BZZZ.

NP: Yes, and a challenge from Damian there. She's been mentioning her boring family again, hasn't she? You have one point and the subject with 49 seconds to go.

DT: It's really shocking that kids these days don't know their opus numbers off by heart. Why even my friend James Macmillan hesitated for 10 seconds when I asked him to name three 19th century Finnish composers each of whose opus 94 was in the key of G major, and James is the greatest composer since Beethoven. BZZZ

MB: ROFL. He's a traddy fanatical Catholic. I told him once to stick to composing.

RD: Catholics??? Did you know that the Pope killed Polly Toynbee, made a pie out of her body, and served it up in an old people's home? Well, he would if he could. Darwin predicted it, you know.

MB: Toynbees? There's a plague of them in Pottymouth. Huge creatures. Not like the pathetic pommy bees you get in England. Such is life, eh? BZZZ. Aargh, there's another one!

NP: SHUT UP. Sorry, slightly incorrect challenges from Moly and Richard there, so Damian continues with 39 seconds left.

MB: Why is the rude idiotic Nicholas Parsons troll allowed to continue here?

NP: It's my show, actually. Now, Damian?

DT: I own 45,000 CDs of Beethoven's music, which is probably a record. I really must get a CD player one of these days. Of course, late Beethoven is the best - say, anything he wrote after 11 p.m. BZZZ.

NP: Ken? Did you have a challenge?

KL: Waaaaaahhhh! I lost! How could people vote for Boris? He tells lies. He has extremist views. He makes friends with terrorists. He keeps newts. He hates Jews. Or was that someone else?

NP: Another point to Damian for an incorrect challenge, I'm afraid. But I've had enough of this stupid game. It was so much more dignified when Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo were on the show.

---

Concluded here.

De Debate of De Centurry

We is pleased to provvide a trancsript of de Debate of De Centurry, where a biollogist and a theologgian debates de exisstence of God. We hopes it is more successful dan last week's Debate of De Centurry, where a nuclear phsyicist and an art crittic debated de existence of de Higgs Bosson.



Dat's de biollogist, Richard Dakwins (right), rellaxin wiv an uniddentified freind.



And dat's de theologgian, Rowan Willaims (right), wiv a poor beggar wot aint got proper clothes.

De referee is Sir Antony Kenney, wot is a black belt in Juddo, and able to stop de two prottagonists from killin each uvver.



Let de debate commence!

---

Dawkins: Let me say first of all, as a trained biologist, that snakes cannot talk. I wrote a thesis in animal behaviour, and spent 3 years trying to persuade a serpent to say "Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" but it never got further than "Dawkins, you're an idiot." See? I've refuted one of the main tenets of your faith. Admit it, Beardie. Go on, admit it.

Williams: Thank you, Richard. May I say that this is a most useful and constructive contribution to our dialogue. In one sense, are we not all struggling to articulate an awareness of our own idiocy? Let me bring in philosophy for a moment.

Dawkins: Philosophy? That means "stamp-collecting," doesn't it? I've never had any time for it.

Williams: Well, in a very real sense it means that. But, if I may go further, it is also to do with the fundamental problems of our existence. Are we really here? I may be sticking my neck out here, but I like to think that, in many ways, there is something to be said for the theory that we are.

Dawkins: Talking of stamps... when I put a letter in a red box and it is magically transported to another place, am I supposed to deduce from that the existence of a postman? No, it is the genetic code in the envelope causing it to move of its own accord.

Williams: Perhaps I could venture to bring in Jesus Christ here, since we were talking about religion earlier?

Dawkins: Who?

Williams: Well, He appears later on in the Bible, and in a very real sense may be regarded as a somewhat relevant and meaningful person in the context of Christian thought.

Dawkins: Oh I stopped reading after Genesis. What a load of rubbish that was. What's the point of it? It was written by King James in 1611, anyway. What did he know about evolutionary biology? Look, we were all living in the Dark Ages until Darwin came along with his ground-breaking book called, um, "The Origin of the..." er... Oh my God, what's it called... it's on the tip of my tongue...

Williams: Species?

Dawkins: Yes, I like making speeches, and love having huge crowds of adoring teenagers saying "Richard, how can one man be so brilliant?" Have you ever read Genesis? That God chap. What a monster, eh? Took Adam, ripped his rib out, and made a woman out of it. When I was a research biologist I was able to show that it wasn't possible to make a whole woman out of a man's rib. All I could make was a rather nice table lamp. And even then I had to buy the wires and the bulb. Well, that proves that you Christians know nothing.

Williams: Well, it's not my job to preach to you, but...

Kenny: We're going to have to wrap this debate up soon, but do you have any final philosophical points to make? Does Occam's Razor tell us something?

Williams: Ha ha, I'm afraid I don't use Occam's Razor. And when I read the works of Bernard Shaw, I realised that Shavian philosophy was not for me either.

Dawkins: Well, I must be toddling off now, I've got a "Dawkins Youth" rally to attend. Don't think I'm one of those dreadful atheists, I'm just a humble agnostic who wants the Pope burnt at the stake. (Exit)

Williams: I thought that went very well, didn't you? In one sense we are all saying the same thing about religion, and sharing some very positive dialogue about whether God really exists. It reminds me of the General Synod.