Eccles is told off

De way of a saved pusson is hard, and I was told off today by a dame, wot didn't find my blogg spiritaully nuorishin.

Unapprecaitive dame.

Wot happened was dat I wrote a blost about de Boat of Fools visitin Croydon (where I has got a good freind wot is a deacon), and dis dame wot I never heard of was upset by it. Here is a controversail pitcher wot was in de story.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

I has been asked three salient questoins by de dame, in fact she asked em twice:

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Well we satirists always takes care never to exaggerate de facts, but inevitabbly errors may creep in. I was readin my Bibble today, and it's got a bit where Jesus says: Blind guides, who strain out a gnat, and swallow a camel. Well we know dat Jesus would never dream of exaggeratin, so it must be dat camel-swallowin was a serious probblem in 1st Century Palestine.

Warning: do not attempt to swallow this camel.

In fact, Jesus also says: And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye; and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye? Well, it must have been true, and not a metaphor or an exaggeratoin.

Warning, wear goggles when handling this, lest it go in thine eye.

Of course my blogg is always helpful, and we sometimes has to be creul to be kind. It seems dat Jesus had de same problems when He said: You serpents, generation of vipers, how will you flee from the judgement of Hell?

A serpent wot needs to think about fleeing.

Well, I hope I has explained my position here: always truthful, kind and helpful. I met Michael Vortex recently, wot has a luvvly video about always being nice.I think that besides being a saved pusson I is gonna be a nice pusson from now on, and not make jokes at people's expense.

Michael, if you're reading this, I think you left something behind.

Bad Hymns 17

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have received a nomination for the hymn which starts "How lovely on the mountains are the feet of Him," and today we welcome its author, Le­o­nard E. Smith, who will explain it to us.

A lovely foot.

Eccles: Leonard, thank you for coming along to talk to us. Now what's all this about lovely feet?

Leonard: It's from Isaiah 52, Eccles. I opened my Bible at random, found those words and noticed that nobody had thought of using them before. So I grabbed them for my hymn.

E: Brilliant idea, Leonard. Let me try doing that (opens Bible). Ah yes, Isaiah 27. And luckily nobody has used these words either!

In that day the Lord with his great and strong sword
Shall punish Leviathan, Leviathan!
The piercing serpent, yes, the crooked serpent -
In the sea! In the sea!

CHORUS: In the sea! In the sea! In the se-e-e-ea! In the sea!

E (doubtfully): But what does it mean?

L: Who cares? It looks like you've got a certain hit there, Eccles.

E: Still, let's discuss your hymn. What's this chorus of yours? It sounds like "I got drains," sung in an American accent. Ah got drains!

CHORUS: I got drains! I got drains! I got dra-a-a-ains! I got drains!

L: If you look at the actual words, Eccles, it's "Our God reigns," and...

E: Our God? Is there more than one, then? No, do go on.

L: We sing those three simple words a total of 24 times in the hymn. Can I claim the record?

E: Possibly, Leonard, I don't remember offhand. But would it be fair to say that, all things considered, reading between the lines, and so on, that you are trying to convey the secret message Our God reigns?

L: Drat, you guessed it. It was suppose to be a subliminal idea concealed in the hymn.

E: Oh, by now I'm quite good at picking these up.

L: Well, shall I write you another hymn before I go? (Opens Bible). Aha! Isaiah 37.

Because thy rage against me, and thy tumult,
Came to mine ears, mine ears,
Therefore will I put my hook into thy nose -
In thy nose, In thy nose!

CHORUS: In thy nose! In thy nose! In thy no-o-o-ose! In thy nose!

E: Magnificent! Le­o­nard E. Smith, thank you very much.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.

Evidence for Creationism found

Astounding new archaeological evidence has just been found by workmen in Iraq laying the foundations for a new Tesco superstore. This may prove once and for all that the book of Genesis is literally true, and not just the allegorical legend that most Christians believe it to be.

God's to-do list

The first artefact that came to light was a to-do list dated 23rd October 4004 B.C., which clearly shows God's intentions for the first week of Creation. We do not have space to reproduce it all here, but it clearly backs up the Genesis narrative, even going so far as to say: Day 7 - the weekend (Hoorah!) Maybe a day trip to Bridlington?

Bridlington - is this where God spent His first rest day?

Perhaps the most controversial part of the book of Genesis is the Garden of Eden story, but some other relics dug up (curiously, in the area which will become the Tesco fruit department) include a strange-looking apple core with toothmarks in it. There is also the skeleton of a large snake, together with a microphone and recording system. This indicated that not only could the serpent talk, it was actually a singer of some ability, for it had produced a sampler CD (no, not on the Apple label, that would be anachronistic) on which it was singing various songs in a sibilant voice.

Does the Devil have all the best tunes?

Digging a bit deeper, the workmen came across a flaming sword, now extinguished, with the label on it "Health and Safety Warning - Only to be Used by Trained Angels." It is believed that this also has something to do with the Genesis narrative.

Excavations are still continuing, and we hope to be able to report on them in a future blog posting. We may also doorstep Rowan Williams, the Pope, the Chief Rabbi, Richard Dawkins, Tom Cruise, and other learned theologians to obtain their views on these sensational findings.

BREAKING NEWS: the workmen have just found some discarded under-clothing, apparently made from hard-wearing Figleafene (TM). Could this have belonged to Adam and Eve?

A family snapshot found at the site, possibly taken by God