Scandal in the Vatican

Tonight, thanks to Michael "Vortex" Voris, we can report on a scandal that is set to rock the Vatican to its foundations.

Pope Francis receives a shocking letter.

It seems (says Voris) that Pope Francis has received a letter from a deacon in good standing, alleging that one of his cardinals blogs under the name of "Eccles", and as such has been making fun of atheists, liberal Catholics and Damian Thompson.

Damian Thompson visits the California State Museum of Custard.

The news that the infamous Eccles could have infiltrated the Vatican naturally brought great distress to Pope Francis; it caused him to miss a Beethoven concert while he summoned an emergency meeting of his most trusted advisers (Father John Zuhlsdorf and Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor) to resolve the situation.

Have you seen this man?

As the search for the intruder continues, Eccles is finding it harder to cover his tracks.

Further evidence that Eccles has infiltrated the Vatican.

However, the mischief of "Cardinal" Eccles is not limited to the writing of blogs. Tablet staff were enraged to learn that copies of their newspaper had been found burning in one of the Vatican apartments.

Tabula est comburenda!

Said a Tablet spokesman: "We can live with rumours of gay orgies and satanic rituals - indeed, nobody enjoys that sort of thing more than I do - but burning the immortal words of Catherine Popehater is a bridge too far."

So the search for Eccles continues. I'm Michael Voris, thank you for reading.

The Costa Blanca Michael Voris lookalike competition (3rd prize).

Eccles is told off

De way of a saved pusson is hard, and I was told off today by a dame, wot didn't find my blogg spiritaully nuorishin.

Unapprecaitive dame.

Wot happened was dat I wrote a blost about de Boat of Fools visitin Croydon (where I has got a good freind wot is a deacon), and dis dame wot I never heard of was upset by it. Here is a controversail pitcher wot was in de story.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

I has been asked three salient questoins by de dame, in fact she asked em twice:

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Well we satirists always takes care never to exaggerate de facts, but inevitabbly errors may creep in. I was readin my Bibble today, and it's got a bit where Jesus says: Blind guides, who strain out a gnat, and swallow a camel. Well we know dat Jesus would never dream of exaggeratin, so it must be dat camel-swallowin was a serious probblem in 1st Century Palestine.

Warning: do not attempt to swallow this camel.

In fact, Jesus also says: And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye; and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye? Well, it must have been true, and not a metaphor or an exaggeratoin.

Warning, wear goggles when handling this, lest it go in thine eye.

Of course my blogg is always helpful, and we sometimes has to be creul to be kind. It seems dat Jesus had de same problems when He said: You serpents, generation of vipers, how will you flee from the judgement of Hell?

A serpent wot needs to think about fleeing.

Well, I hope I has explained my position here: always truthful, kind and helpful. I met Michael Vortex recently, wot has a luvvly video about always being nice.I think that besides being a saved pusson I is gonna be a nice pusson from now on, and not make jokes at people's expense.

Michael, if you're reading this, I think you left something behind.

Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.

Clash of the Titans.

Yes, already they're calling it the Debate of the Century. Peter Hitchens and Damian Thompson, acknowledged experts on addiction, discuss the question: Whose book is better?

Peter Hitchens prepares to confront Damian Thompson.

For those who don't have time to listen to the Spectator podcast, we present a transcript of the debate between the two greatest intellectuals of our day.

DT: Well, I should point out straight away that I'm an expert on addiction, as I've written a best-selling book on the subject. I don't normally plug it, but it's called The Fix.

PH: I've written a best-selling book too. It's called The War We Never Fought: The British Establishment's Surrender to Drugs.

DT: Well, my book's better than your book. My friend Cristina says so.

PH: No, my book's better than your book. You see, I claim that addiction doesn't even exist.

DT: What? How dare you say that! I hate you!

Damian Thompson, modelling the new Michael Voris wig.

PH: Well, I'm sorry, but any addicts you see are purely a figment of your imagination.

DT: Look here, mate. Your brother Christopher may have been a lunatic left-wing atheist, but he was still much cleverer than you.

PH: Well, your sister Emma may be a lunatic left-wing atheist, but she's still much cleverer than you.

Emma Thompson expresses concerns over her brother Damian's latest meltdown.

DT: I'll get you for that. Wait until I write my Saturday column.

PH: Look, calm down, Damian. And please stop throwing cupcakes at me.

DT: I'll ruin you, as I did Johann Hari, David Cameron, and Keith O'Brien. Nobody will take you seriously again.

(Storms out, slams the door, and knocks over two secretaries, a security guard and a passing Monsignor. Returns to Telegraph Towers to launch a barrage of Twitter abuse and hostile blog posts. Phones Telegraph hit man and orders him to pour custard through Peter Hitchens's letter box.)

Preparing to fill Peter Hitchens's house full of custard.

PH: Sigh... it looks as though I'm not going to get that job on Telegraph blogs, after all.

Relligiuos News

Now dat Damain Thopmson has thrown in de towell, it is up to me Eccles to give you de informed commentarry on de week's relligiuos news.

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De Pop got a visit from Barroness Warrsi, wot is a Brittish polliticain and a Muslim. Dis was very confussin to me, as de Pop aint allowed to talk to wommen, and Muslim girls aint allowed to talk to men, so I calls dat an impass. But it seems dat in de interests of world peace dey was allowed to be more freindly dan ussual.



Dere main point of agreement was dat dey doesnt like Evan Harrass, wot is a seckularist dat dey calls Dr Death. Sometimes when I goes knokcin on doors and sayin "Ullo, bruvver, has you been saved?" I finds that de old folks I is talkin to says "Nope, anyways we is just off on holliday to a place called Dignittas." Dat Evan Harrass finks it's a wonderful place, but strangley he never goes dere himself, and we aint never met anyone who has been dere.

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Richard Dakwins has got hisself into trubble. Dey asked him about Darwin's book "De origin of de speeches" but he cuoldn't rememmber who wrote it and started prayin for divine inspirratoin. So he got humilliated by Giles Fraser, wot is a costume holly man who lost his job and now lives in a tent outside St Pauls. Dakwins reckoned dat you needs to know all de books of de Bibble in order, if you is a true Chritsian. I knows dem of cuorse, for example if you says "4" to me, I replies "Nubmers", cos 4 is a nubmer.

Acksherly I is very cross wiv Dakwins, as he has written a book abuot me, which seems to be a bit creul. I fink he is angry about de hard-hittin blogg I writes explanin dat he aint saved.

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Biddeford Town Counsel has been told by a jugde (or cosstume unholly man) dat dey aint allowed to have prayers before dey meets. It seems dat de Natoinal Seckular Soceity throws a wobbly if you mentoins religoin in publick. De jugde in questoin is called Mr Justice Ouseless, and we fink dat de next fing he gonna do is stop de oath in his court. My bruvver Bosco once tried swearin "I promises to tell de truth, de hole truth and nuffink but de truth, but if I doesnt den dont worry, M'Lud, as I is alreddy saved, and I aint gonna go to de Lake of Fire like you is," but dey said dat was Contemtp of Cuort.

Late news: de Minnister, Mr Eric Pickles has overturned de jugdement and so it is now OK to sing "Has you been saved? Yeah!" in Counsel meetins. But I spose de Cathlic Counsellors is gonna be bringin in iddles and kissin em all day long, so it aint all good news.

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Well I has run out of relligious news so we is back to discussin my dere fambly. Dere has been more sightins of my bruvver Bosco, which is surprisin as we fuoght he was still in Callifornia. He is now a 13th degree freemasson warrlock, and maybe at dat levvel dey is allowed to have astral boddies. At any rate, we keeps seein him actin suspiciuosly near Cathlic churhces. Bosco if you is readin dis, please git in tuoch.



Anti Moly has got a new tattoo, we finks it is somefink to do wiv her long-runnin passoin for Cradinal Pell.



Howevver, she is also a grate admirer of de handsome good looks of Micheal Vorris, a traddy Cathlic wot she saw on de televisoin. To me it seems like de storry of de beuaty and de beast all over again, excpet dat dis time it is de beast wot is female.