Scandal in the Vatican

Tonight, thanks to Michael "Vortex" Voris, we can report on a scandal that is set to rock the Vatican to its foundations.

Pope Francis receives a shocking letter.

It seems (says Voris) that Pope Francis has received a letter from a deacon in good standing, alleging that one of his cardinals blogs under the name of "Eccles", and as such has been making fun of atheists, liberal Catholics and Damian Thompson.

Damian Thompson visits the California State Museum of Custard.

The news that the infamous Eccles could have infiltrated the Vatican naturally brought great distress to Pope Francis; it caused him to miss a Beethoven concert while he summoned an emergency meeting of his most trusted advisers (Father John Zuhlsdorf and Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor) to resolve the situation.

Have you seen this man?

As the search for the intruder continues, Eccles is finding it harder to cover his tracks.

Further evidence that Eccles has infiltrated the Vatican.

However, the mischief of "Cardinal" Eccles is not limited to the writing of blogs. Tablet staff were enraged to learn that copies of their newspaper had been found burning in one of the Vatican apartments.

Tabula est comburenda!

Said a Tablet spokesman: "We can live with rumours of gay orgies and satanic rituals - indeed, nobody enjoys that sort of thing more than I do - but burning the immortal words of Catherine Popehater is a bridge too far."

So the search for Eccles continues. I'm Michael Voris, thank you for reading.

The Costa Blanca Michael Voris lookalike competition (3rd prize).

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1

1.Thus it came to pass that in the eighth year of the reign of Queen Elizabeth, when Macmillan was governor of Westminster, a youth by the name of Richard Dawkins went to Oxford to study zoology.

2. And he learned the ways of the ferret, yeah and the ways of the terrapin. The ways of the donkey and the vole studied he also, and for many days he studied the ways of the earwig. And... (Get on with it. God.)

3. But the way of the marsh-wiggle studied he not, nor the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal. Neither did he study the way of the snark.

4. Nor indeed did he study the ways of the cookie monster. For the learned professors in their wisdom said unto Richard, "These animals are a snare and a delusion, and not real animals at all."

A snare and a delusion

5. And Richard was troubled in his heart and said, "Surely this proves that God is also a delusion?" For logic was not his strong point.

6. Thus after three years of study, in which he learned the ways of the possum, yeah and the ways of the whelk... (I said, get on with it. God.)

7. It came to pass that Richard said to himself, "I am as clever as anyone else round here, and I shall write a thesis on animal behaviour."

8. And the learned doctors they said, "Richard, thou whose mind is as the icebergs of the north, vast but frozen, go thou forth and write a thesis on models of animal decision-making."

9. And Richard said, "Yea, I shall tell the world how chickens make decisions. How doth the little chicken know when to say 'cheep' and when to remain silent? How doth a wise chicken weigh up the evidence and decide that there is no God? Why doth the foolish chicken sing 'cluck' to the Lord?"

A decisive chicken

10. Thus three years passed, and Richard wrote his mighty thesis. And the men of Oxford said, "Richard, you are too brainy for us. Go thou to Berkeley."

11. And Richard took unto himself a wife, the first of three comely wenches to be fascinated by his charm and animal magnetism, and he made his way to California, the land of the fanatical, the deranged, and the exhibitionist. Strangely, he felt at home there.

12. And it came to pass after three more years, that Richard decided that the time had come to grow into manhood, for he was twenty-nine years of age and people were starting to say, "Surely this limey kook is the oldest hippie on campus?"

13. And so Richard returned to Oxford, there to take up the post of lecturer in zoology.

14. And he spake unto the people, telling them the ways of the hedgehog, and the emu, and... (I warned you. God.)

An Oxford zoologist

Continued in Chapter 3.

I gotta blogg

For dem what hasn't seen him before, dis is my bruvver Bosco goin off to convert some Cathlics.


I gotta blogg of my own now, and so I will set de sceene for new reeders.

Dis blogg tells de story of me, Eccles, and my big bruvver Bosco, wot lives in Callifornia and attends de Calumny Chappel. I has been recordin our life story on Damain Thopmson's blogg, but I is now takin a leef out of my bruvver's book and writtin a luvly blogg of my own. However I aint gonna write so much about goin to de tiolet, as Bosco does all dat stuff on his blogg. Mom finks he's a bit rood.

I tends to foller Bosco in most fings, and his main idea is dat we has been saved becos Jessus keeps talkin to us (sometimes by telehpone, and sometimes frew de air condittionin system). So we is allowed to do wot we likes as we is washed in de blud of de Labm and our sins is forgivven. Sometimes we is washed in uvver blud as well, as we has runnin battles wiv de Cathlics, and Bosco he has been beeten up sevveral times by nunns.

Bosco and I is also very worried about iddles and graven images, which is wot de Cathlics worhsip. Dis have been a probblem for us many times. I will post some exampples later.

Still, Bosco he was feelin dat he needed to explor new direxions in thoelogy, so we is attendin Cathlic instruxion coarses. At de momment we is explorin de Bibble, and de life of Jessus. Did you know dat he was borne in a stabble? We can beet that, as Bosco he was found in a dutsbin. Mom put him dere for safety, just before de grabbage truck came round.

In our last lesson, Bosco got very cross wiv de Cathlic preist, Fr Xalvador Pell de Mons, cos in his room he had a children's book wiv a pitcher of a pengiun on de cover. Bosco fought it was a nunn and went bersek. Here is Polly de Nunn, she aint so dangrous, is she?