Numbers

So we reach Chapter 4 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who is trying to get to grips with theology. We have already seen Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus.

This is not really what the Book of Numbers is about.

Still, some numbers do appear in the book of that name: Moses starts off by counting his people, and comes up with a total of 603,550 men over the age of 20, fit for military service (they are expecting trouble, then...). Rather a lot, really. I had always thought in terms of a smallish flock, but here we have something like the population of Glasgow - since the women and children are presumably not included in this figure.

Some of the Children of Glasgow prepare for a fight.

Anyway, once the census is over, there are various adventures in the desert. The Levites play a prominent part, as people of that tribe don't do military service, but are reserved for religious duties - perhaps a bit hard on those who wanted to become chartered accountants or manufacturers of jeans.

For about forty years, the people of Israel - who are chosen by God, although they don't really find out why until much later - wander in the desert, and most of this takes place in the book of Numbers. Aaron will die, and Moses will be told that he also cannot go into the promised land.

It's not really important, except as a nice story, but let's mention Balaam and his talking donkey. Balaam wants to go and curse the Israelites, because Balak the King of Moab asked him to. But an angel stops him.

Balaam's donkey sees the angel, and gets hit as a result.

So basically, the people of Israel are under God's protection. This makes them very unpopular with the hosts of Midian, whom they basically decide to massacre. Not to mention the Canaanites. Not to mention Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking - sticking up for the Midianites.

Richard, old fruit, I know you're distinctly unhappy with this bit of the Bible. Why is a loving God telling the Israelites to kill people? Even evil people, who indulged in things like prostitution, abortion, and same-sex marriage? Why, aren't we lucky that we don't do things like that ourselves, eh? We might be in deep trouble!

I don't think a caption is needed...

All right, so basically the Israelites are going to do God's will, and as a result they will get preferential treatment. We have one more book of the Pentateuch/Torah to go (i.e., Deuteronomy), and this will see us through to the end of Moses.

Moses and the bronze snake (Numbers 21) - an early homeopathic cure for snake-bite.

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A note on the text: apparently, in Chapter 10 the author uses a rare glyph called an inverted nun. Since these are so rare, let's have a photo.

An inverted nun.

BBC interviews the Pope's enemies

BBC presenter: After the sudden announcement of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, we shall be talking to a balanced selection of people who have good reason to hate him. Let's start with you, Justin Welby. Your predecessor, Archbishop Cranmer, was martyred by the Catholics in 1556, so naturally you detest Pope Benedict.

Thomas Cranmer - did Benedict XVI ever apologise for his death?

JW: Er, no, actually, I think Benedict has shown great dignity, insight, and courage. All in all, rather a good Pope, really. And I think it's an excellent thing when a major religious leader steps aside, in order to allow a younger man to take over.

BBC: Oh, you're no fun at all. Over to Richard Dawkins now, who can always be relied on to say something anti-Catholic.

RD: Sex. That's the main thing in life. And the Pope hasn't had any. What a waste. Look at me, I'm the man they call "Dr Sexy" in Oxford. Nearly 72 years old, and I'm still regarded as an Oxford Don Juan (geddit?)

An erotic DVD starring Dr Sexy. Not suitable for children.

BBC: Thank you, Professor Dawkins, for making that deep point of theology. Well, we at the BBC are nothing if not balanced in our coverage, so we also invited in a Catholic who hates the Pope. Catherine Pepinster is busy insulting the Pope on Channel 4, but instead we have managed to get hold of Lavinia Byrne, a former nun.

LB: Drone drone drone, women priests, contraception, Spanish Inquisition trying to bully me, Pope Benedict ate my hamster, ... (continues until she has a fit).

Panic-stricken nuns flee the bullying of the Catholic Church.

BBC: Thank you so much, Lavinia Byrne, for putting the Catholic point of view. We'll continue this debate on BBC Radio 5 Live, where Austen Ivereigh is being mauled by a specially-selected group of Leeds United supporters, but here is a final proof that God Himself (if he exists) hates the current set-up at the Vatican.

"GIVE ME HANS KÜNG !!!" says God.

Bad Hymns 14

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are very pleased to welcome Sister Marie Lydia Pereira, who is going to tell us about her hymn Go, the Mass is ended.

Some people just won't take a hint.

E: Now, Sister Marie, I think I've managed to extract the main message of your hymn, "Go, the Mass is ended," not least because you repeat it eight times. And a very good message it is too, when the priest says it at the end of the service.

MLP: That's right, Eccles. Of course some traddy priests will insist on saying "Ite, Missa est," which nobody can understand. So the congregation just hangs around wondering what to do next.

E: Yes, it's like guests at a party, isn't it? You look at your watch, you say "My, is that the time?" You yawn a bit, you get out the vacuum cleaner, you say, "I see there's an excellent bus passing in the next 10 minutes," but they just don't take the hint, do they?

Sometimes there is only one way to make guests leave.

MLP: You're so right, Eccles. And even in more liberal services, the priest's dismissal tends to get drowned out by the natural gossiping that we indulge in after taking communion.

E: So I can see that a hymn which says, "Clear off, now," would be very useful to a priest.

MLP: Well, exactly. What the congregation doesn't always realise is that the priest may have other appointments. For example, he might wish to bless the church band's new instruments (guitar, comb-and-paper, kazoo and vuvuzela) in readiness for another mass later in the day.

A requiem mass (Gregorian chant), played on a blessed vuvuzuela.

E: But isn't the dismissal supposed to be said by the priest, not repeated eight times by the congregation?

MLP: Alas, it's very hard to get priests to sing my hymn as a solo, Eccles.

E: In fact the whole song is really more appropriate for the priest, and not the congregation, isn't it? "Take God’s Word to others as you’ve heard it spoken to you," for example. A good thing to do, but shouldn't such a command come from the priest, and not the local bank manager sitting behind me?

Now men, I want you to gladden all who meet you. [Do you think that's wise, sir?]

MLP: Bank manager, eh? Should I insert a verse about "Save your money, spend it wisely?" No, that's probably a little off-topic.

E: I think the hymn is perfect as it is, Sister Marie. No need to write any more. Go, the interview is ended.

Hands up if you want to leave now.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag

And with your spirit

In which Fr Xylophone analyses a sacred text.

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Caesar adsum jam forte. Brutus aderat. Caesar sic in omnibus. Brutus sic in at.

These words, from the Book of the Prophet Dogrel, are best read in the original Latin; not surprisingly, they are used only in the traditional Roman rite. For the benefit of my more stupid readers, I will translate them as follows: Caesar, I am present now, by chance. Brutus was present. Caesar, thus in all things. And Brutus (is) thus in.

Julius Caesar listens to the word of God. In Latin, of course.

The passage begins as a divine message to Caesar, asserting God's presence. Adsum, adesse, adfui, I want you to learn this verb before our next Mass, as there will be a small test as you come into church. Obviously God has manifested Himself in various ways (cf. Hebrews 1:1: In the past God spoke to our ancestors through the prophets at many times and in various ways), and here He is addressing Caesar, the great-uncle of the man who sent Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem.

It is the "by chance" that brings us up short. I think we must regard this as Divine irony. For He leaves nothing to chance.

God does not play dice.

What are we to make of the next sentence, where Brutus is introduced? Is this the celebrity conspirator, who inspired one of the shortest verses in the Bible: Et tu, Brute? Well possibly: but more probably he symbolises Brutality: the Devil, say, or perhaps the National Catholic Reporter [aka Fishwrap].

So the Lord is telling Caesar that, although He is present, there is Evil present too. The message is repeated again in different words, a literary device known to experts as Repeating again in different words.

This reading reminds us of the importance of God's grace. Without it, we are vulnerable to the attacks of Brutus.

Drop that dagger, Mr Brutus!

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Numinous Nun Tea

For those who say they don't drink coffee [and this is something you would need to mention at Confession, so be careful!] the Numinous Nuns offer their own brand of tea.

A numinous nun serves tea.

Numinous Nun tea is blended by the Little Sisters of the Pot, a traditional Catholic order founded by St Camellia Sinensis. Order yours now!

Do not accept any other tea, especially not the soul-rotting rubbish that is on sale at StarWars.

The President of the StarWars chain of tea shops. Not numinous!

The Spirit of Vatican II

A guest posting from Fr Pau, the incumbent of the church of St Daryl the Apostate

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These are stirring times for the Catholic church, and liberal theologians are now beginning to take seriously the suggestion from our friend Damian Thompson that there should be a "4th Person of the Trinity," namely, "The Spirit of Vatican II."

A new spirit is in the land

The "Vat Spirit" as we shall now call her, was sent from God to renew all aspects of our lives, and overturn all established traditions. If you read the Vat documents carefully, you see that God has given us two new and great commandments:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods but Me, but, hey, if thou dost not believe in Me either, well, nobody's going to condemn thee!

2. See that thou speakest not the abominable and blasphemous language known as Latin, which brings back unhappy memories to the Lord. Nay, let all thy words be Ne mutlu Rabbin adını gelir o or perhaps 是有福的，他在主的名字來。, or Cor that's cool like innit this God wotsit, you know? but, under no circumstances, Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini.

On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.

A prophet, hanging, supported by his faith in the Vat Spirit

There will of course be a special Sunday in the year devoted to the Vat Spirit, at which we shall sing hymns, such as the following stirring anthem:

Arise all ye liberals and cast off the yoke of traditionalism!
Augustine and Aquinas are dead, and may they stay that way!
Tractor production is up by 26.6% thanks to Socialism!
A new spirit breathes in the land.

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Sister Margaret Farley's Sex Book

Here at St Daryl's we support our persecuted friend, Sister Margaret Farley, whose book The nun's guide to sex has so incensed the old fuddy-duddies at the Vatican. Really, in this day and age, who is going to commit themselves to a life of celibacy if they can't have a little naughty fun as well? Maggie the Maniac tells it like it is!

Liberated nuns

We know what the Vatican wants. It wants women to be slaves. Men will be allowed to have sex and to father children, but women won't. Oh no, it's "Could you lick the steps clean with your tongue, dear?" and "Get back in the kitchen, shameless woman, and cook Father Chauvin's lunch." Well, Germaine Greer did not burn her bra in vain, and liberation is at hand!

In St Daryl's we shall be having weekly readings from The nun's guide to sex, and we naturally encourage all sexual relationships, regardless of gender or number of people involved. Come along next week, and we'll read the spicy bit in Chapter 7 where Maggie the Maniac explains how a party of modern liberated nuns can have fun with a pantomime horse and a packet of frozen peas!

A naughty sex object

Boris steps in

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, has blocked a bus campaign aimed at helping regular philanderers find a cure. 

NOT UNFAITHFUL! EX-UNFAITHFUL, POST-UNFAITHFUL AND PROUD. 

GET OVER IT!



Said Mr Johnson, "Cripes! It's clearly not on to suggest that serial adulterers can control themselves! London is a vibrant city tolerant of all forms of sexual activity - expecting Johnny Casanova to put his trousers on is bloody offensive, what?"

Meanwhile, the mayor continues to perform his essential mayoral duties, which mainly consist of getting himself re-elected. Provided that Ken Livingstone and his views continue to be publicised widely, Boris Johnson seems certain to succeed.

Amongst his official appointments today, Boris will be joining Archbishop Peter Smith to open a new convent, the Liberal Sisters of St Oona. Here we see the Mother Superior modelling her new Vatican II-approved habit.

 

"Jolly good show, what!" commented Mr Johnson. "That's what I like to see. Not stupid bus campaigns about morality."

Lotsa news items

Well we got to Anti Moly's home in Austriala, where we is stayin for a while before we goes to look for Cradinal Pell. For de first time, I can show Anti Moly's many admirrers a pitcher of her standin by her Pottymouth home.



My dere Anti showed me a wooden challet in de gardden where I is gonna sleep.



Fiddo is Lattin for "faithfull," and she told me she wrote it on de challet in case de Angle of de Lord drops by lookin for saved pussons. Dere is snakes and spidders in de gardden, but Anti told me it was OK if I didn't keep dem awake wiv my snorin'. Reassured by dis, I has been sleepin a lot as I was quite jetlogged.

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We got news from my bruvver Bosco, who we last saw sittin on a pole. De nuns at our local convent was feelin a bit short-staffed as some of dem had been eaten by crockodiles, so dey has appointed Bosco as a securitty gaurd. He says dat bein on de inside is de only way dat he can save dese nuns, so I wonder if he is gonna be dressin like a nun in future so as to blend in?



If you ever sees a very plane-lookin nun, try sayin "Ullo Bosco" to her, cos she may be my big bruvver.

Crockodiles is a well-known hazzard in de Cathlic churhc. Here is a pitcher of one of Richard Dakwins's freinds tryin to kill de Pop wiv one.



We aint got any more phottos, but it seems dat de Pop managed to wrestle dis fearsome beast into submission before it cuold bite his leg off. Anti Moly was disappointed and she said "Dat yuong man must have amazin strenght."

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I heard dat Archbishopp Vincent Nicolas, who is de English top cosstume hollyman, is very disappointed dat he aint become a Cradinal yet, wiv a red fish hat. Someone sent me dis photto which suggests dat he is keepin his optoins open, and maybe lookin for a new career runnin a restuarant.



In de Cathlic churhc if de Pop don't like your face, den you gotta get out before he sends de Inquisitoin ruond to beat you up. Everryone knows dat.

De Bosco Cod

Bosco is a grate reader of de Bibble, but not de bits where it tells you dat sinnin is wrong. Here he is wiv a member of de Calumny Chappel Bibble Studdy Gruop lookin for loopholes in Scrippture.



Bosco has long maintained dat de Bibble contains all de knowlegde of the world, includdin sceince, and prophessy. He says dat de words of King James (wot wrote de Bibble) contains even de name of de winnin horse at de Lake Hellsinus Darby, if you knows where to find it.

Bosco proofed dis to me by showin me two verses from de Bibble (I has cut and passted so any spellin mistakes aint my fualt here).

2 Kings 22:1.
Josiah was eight years old when he began to reign, and he reigned thirty and one years in Jerusalem. And his mother's name was Jedidah, the daughter of Adaiah of Boscath.

2 Samuel 22:4.
I will call on the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

Note dat de words we has sellected says "Boscath is saved," which is clearly de Bibble's way of tellin my bruvver dat he is chossen by Jessus. I was askin him if he could find some other good phrases, like "Eccles is saved," "Anti Moly is mellting down," and "Farver Arfur is reely a preist," but he said dat it took a lifetime of studdy to get dis sort of wissdom from de Bibble.

Here's anuvver example for de sceintific reader.

Genesis 46:16
And the sons of Gad; Ziphion, and Haggi, Shuni, and Ezbon, Eri, and Arodi, and Areli.

Job 31:33
If I covered my transgressions as Adam, by hiding mine iniquity in my bosom.

As you can see, dis is predictin de Haggs Bosom, wot is a God particule, no wonder it's in de Bibble. Dey's been usin de Large Haddock Collider to look for it. I asked Anti Moly if we cuold expect to see a hag's bossom soon, and she said "Nope, I keeps my clothes on when I has a bath." What can she mean?



Meanwhile, we is all worried about Farver Arfur, who is hidin, in case Richard Dakwins comes to arrest him. Farver Arfur spends all his time on de telephon to de Pop, explainin to him dat he is a rotten traddy what breaks de Catacoms of de Churhc. Dem Cathlics sure is strange.

Dis is Farver Arfur trying to hide in de celler, when de door bell rings and he finks it might be Dakwins, or maybe his freind Polly Tonybee.



In fact it was just a door-to-door iddle salesman. We buoght one for Farver Arfur, as it looks a little bit like Bosco after he's been doin a hard nihgt's Bibble Studdy, lookin for de name of de winner of de Lake Hellsinus Darby. Bein an unsaved cosstume holly man, Farver Arfur has allways gotta have an iddle to kiss, or he pines away.



I is gonna end today's blogg wiv a pitcher of an evil fiend incarnnate, dat Bosco says is probbably a lesbain, cos he says all nuns is. Dis one is readin an encyclicall from de Pop, which mentoins Farver Arfur. De title is De Sacerdote Insano Persequente, whattever dat may mean.

Takin de collectoin

Bosco dressed up as a nun to go to de Cathlic churhc, as part of his cunning plan to grab de collectoin. Dat was to stop it goin to dem costume holly men what is all pevrets.

We bruoght along wiv us some more spirritaul poeple from de Calumny Chappel to give Bosco morral suport as he entered de dreadful place full of unsaved poeple. Dese freinds of ours doesnt dress up as clowns, Jessus has told dem dat dey is banananas.



I walks in wiv Bosco and has a little chat wiv de old guy at de back givin out de hynmbooks.

"Ullo, buster," says I. "I is a saved pusson what has been fished out of a deep pit by Jessus, and is washed clean. I was a misserable sinner but now I is a heavenly bein. Praise de Lord, buster."
"Dat must be very nice for you," says de old guy. "Take a coppy of de new litturgy. It have been transslated again, to get rid of de Bibblical bits wot we Cathlics didnt like. Dont forgit to kiss de gravven immages as you goes in."

Bosco also explanes dat he wuold like to take de collectoin. "Dat's very kind of you, sister," says de old man. "Wot you does is get de punters to put money in dis plate, den you brings it up to de front, and de preist grabs it and uses it to buy whisky."

De time for taking collectoin was durin a hynm, and I was watchin Bosco as he got de widdows to put in dere cash. "Dat aint enuogh, sister!" he said to a little old lady. "Turn out your handbagg. And dat's a mighty fine golden chane you is wearin, we'll have dat as well. Better to go to Heaven wiv no chane, than to end up in de Lake of Fire wiv a golden chane."

So Bosco collected a record amount for Cathlic charittable causes (de costume holly man's whisky fund).



He managed to conceal de loot in his pew, plannin to take it out wiv him at de end. But in de Cathlic service dere is a place where de costume holly man says "We now gonna share de peace wiv our neihgbors," and you gotta shake hands wiv all de people nearby even if dey aint saved.

Bosco he was claspin hands wiv de girls in de row in front and dey was tryin to stop him claspin uvver parts of dere boddies, when he got hit very hard in de back, and a strange man behind him said "Oi! Give us de peace, clown, or I'll beat yer up!"



"Oh yeah?" says Bosco. "Here, want me to do de Vulcan Death gripp of peace, you loser?" and he knokced de strange man down to the gruond. "Rest in peace," said my bruvver Bosco, I fink he got a little confussed over dis new litturgy.

Well, Bosco escapped from de churhc wivvout too many wuonds dis time, but he didnt get to take de collectoin wiv him, so I guess de costume holly man must have got it after all.

Bosco plans a roberry

We mannaged to get rid of Farver Arfur the costume holly man, I fink he was last seen campin in his tent outside de Bank of Lost Angels in prottest against traddy Cathlics. Sometimes he camps outside de Catheddral to prottest against banks, it dont make a grate deal of diferrence either way.

In fact, sometimes he camps outside de swimmin pool to prottest against General Pinnochet - I fink he hasnt read a newspapper recently - and sometimes he camps outside de Chilean embassy to prottest about de high prices at de swimmin pool. Dis is called Libberal Thoelogy, and is anuvver way of not being saved.

Farver Arfur told us dat he practises de Custardy of de Eyes, which was invented by St Frances, and says dat you can take your clothes off in churhc and he wont notice.

Since Arfur was de herro of our last storry, here is a pitcher of him rellaxin wiv a nun. Dis proves he is a preist in good standin, as nuns doesnt rellax wiv ordinnary poeple. In fact dey calls dem "Sexxist pigg" and knees dem in de grion, as Bosco found out when he asked a nun to pose for a saucy pitcher for his luvvly blogg.



Dem wuonds is hard to explane, but perhaps Arfur and de nunn has been havvin a punch-up, frankkly Arfur can start a punch-up in an empty room. Maybe he asked her if she wuold like to learn about de Custardy of de Eyes.

Bosco had dis brillaint idea to steal de collectoin from de local Cathlic churhc. He explaned to me dat every dime dey put in de plate goes to support pervy preists, because de Pop likes em. It seems dat de Cathlics doesnt give money to de widdows and orhpans any more, or even de starvin milloins in Affrica, it all goes to dem costtume holly men. Bosco finks dat if he can pinch de money, den he can put it to a much better use, like a new Royce Rolls for Pastor Ise-Milk of de Calumny Chappel.

"Dere's a morral vaccum in de Cathlic church," said Anti Moly, "So it will be only fair to take all de collectoin money and buy gin wiv it."

But I had a worryin thuoght. "Aint steelin wrong, Bosco dere?" I asked. "Aint it against de 10 comanddments in de book of Exeters?"

"Eccles, you dimwit," said Bosco. "Dere is only 1 comanddment, do not make gravven immages. De uvvers is optoinal for us wot is alreddy saved, and in fact we fink it is bad manners to mentoin dem."

Havvin explaned dis sutble thoelogical point to me, Bosco had de brilliant iddea to disgiuse ourselves as nuns, becuase dey is always welcome in Cathlic churches. Dis is Bosco's costtume, I fink he will be able to slip in unnotticed, dont you?

Anti wins a prize

As you all know, my Grate-Anti Moly is a grate admirrer of de fammous blogger Cuttley, who she describes as "saintly, piuos, holly and wise, and not like dat clique of traddy Cathlics." Indeed, when Bosco knocked de head off a stateu of St Peter a month ago, she had anuvver head made, so dat she had an iddle of Cuttley to worhsip. Here it is again.



Anyway, de Tellegrahp held a compettition "Complete de folowwin in not more than 12 extra words: 'My favuorite Tellegrahp blogger is X X becuase ...' and win a stateu of him or her."

Dat's a real chalenge. Does you go for de meek and humble Delingpol what is always warnin us about crabon emmisions? Perhaps de intelect of Broiny Gorddon is what excites you? Or de beuaty of Mary Riddle? Dere is our old freind Damain Thopmson who has done more dan anyone else allive to warn us about de evil Joanne Hairy. Or perhaps you likes Stephen Huogh what plays de pianner in pubs? Or dere's Nomran Tebit and Daneil Hannann, what knows about currant afairs, what a pity dey never went into politicks. Pussonally, I likes wise old Goeffrey Lean who has been an envroinmental coresspondent for 80 years and knows about de dangers of horseless carraiges.

"I's gonna win dis," said Anti Moly. Dis is what she entered.

"My favuorite Tellegrahp blogger is Tom Chivvers becuase he is kind, freindly, cheerfull, cheeky, handsome, sensible, and not a Cathlic."

Anti won, and here is de stattue dat dey has just delivvered. It goes well wiv de stattue of Cuttley.



Of course Tom Chivvers aint saved, but we has high hopes of gettin him to come along to de Calumny Chappel some time, dressed as a clown.

I has just got time to show you a fambly snapp. Dis is my Anti Moly gate crashin de royal weddin of Willaim and Katte, disgiused as a nun (she is de old one wot looks cross). Some time I is gonna have to find out how dis happened. Anti Moly says she was dere incoggnito as a seccret agent to prottect de happy cuople, but it's more likely dat she was simply runnin away from de pollice and took a wrong turning.

Free massons

Bosco fuond some interrestin articles about free massons todday, and de Calumny Chappel asked him to give a letcher on de subject. Dis is an honour dat dey gives to grate shcolars wot is able to edducate themsselves by using Wikkipedia and Goggle. (Bosco never got a Unniversity degree. He studdied Anattomy at UCLA in de evenings, but he had to stop dat when dey put curtians on de girls winders.)

He told us dat de Pop is a free masson dats how he got to be Pop cos lots of de carddinals wot voted for him is also free massons. When dey goes into de conclav to ellect a Pop dey has to roll up dere trouser legs (apparrently dese costtume holly men wears trousis under dere cossacks, we knows someone who looked frew de winder of de changin room), and dey got a funny handshake which dey calls de blessin.

De Calumny Chappel is very impressed by Bosco's letchers, cos dey gonna save lots of poeple. Dey has already put up a posster advertisin de next one he's gonna give.



Bosco he aint so impressed by dis, and he finks dat dey shuold use dis posster, which shows dat he is a powerfful figger able to take on nuns single-handed.



We is findin it hard to make ends meet rihgt now, so I gotta put in two more adverts.

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BUY BOSCO SYRRUP!



EVERRYONE KNOWS DAT BOSCO IS THICK AND RICH.

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EVEN LITTLE PHOLAS CAN BE SAVED.



Is your doggie Gayy or Lebsian? De Calumny Chappel, in assocciation wiv de BLT poeple, has got a Calumny Chappel Dove Cossack, for de doggie wot needs savin.

Sorry, Anti Moly, dis is SEX, but Bosco said it was OK, cos it's only doggies.

Savin de doctor

We had de doctor ruond to see Anti Moly as she had an attack of roflitis, dats a serious illness she gets when she hears a joke and mannages to undderstand it (which frankly aint very often). She luaghs hysterically and cant stop rollin round de floor.

Here is a happy pitcher of Anti Moly luaghin fit to bust.



Well my bruvver Bosco is very concsientiuos, even when he is badly wuounded he don't forgit to save people. He discovvered dat de doctor was a Cathlic, and in spite of his bandagged state he managed to have a profuond thoelogical debate wiv him.



Bosco he told de doctor, "You see, we is gonna sit at de Lord’s feast, while many that finks demselves chosen shall be cast into outer darkness. If you is saved you is gonna wear a white robe and a golden crown in de New Jerussalem, and even poor dubm Eccles will be castin down his golden crown by de River of de Water of Life. I bin wuonded by dem viscious nuns, but I is soon gonna be born agin in a new body. Allaluia!"

De doctor has promissed to buy a cemment dove and put it on his wall to bow to, like we does in de Calumny Chappel.

He dont seem to be able to cure Anti Moly's roflitis, but he says she could git a dog as a comppanion an dis may help. De pet shopp have got a luvvly doggie dat mihgt be siutable for soemone of Anti Moly's temperamment. Dey say it is called Cerberrus but if we buys it, Anti finks it maybe needs to have 3 names as it got 3 heads (she was finkin of Micky, Rutzi and Rofls).



De other news is dat my bruvver is gonna be able to take off de banddages tommorow, de Lord sure is good at healin his chossen ones like Bosco.