1 Samuel

In the white corner, Brother Eccles, implementing the Eccles Bible Project. In the black corner, an atheist called Richard who is struggling to say say just one intelligent thing about religion. Today's topic: the first book of Samuel. I was going to do both together, but there's too much action.

Samuel - became a prophet at an early age.

Whereas most babies cry in the night and wake their parents, Samuel is himself woken in the night by God, and told to get prophesying. Actually, he does rather more than that, as he will soon become the last of the Judges, and when he's a bit older he leads the Israelites against the Philistines.

The Philistines have stolen the Ark of the Covenant, which is the most holy thing the Israelites have, and taken it to the Temple of Dagon, who may well have been a fish-god. A bad move, as Dagon's idol is first knocked down, and then vandalised.

Dagon - we'll agree with Richard that this is not a god to be worshipped.

The Philistines start to suffer from "emerods" which is a nice word for a most disgusting condition (piles); we never did this bit at school, as all the boys would have sniggered.

To cut a long story short, the Israelites get their Ark back, and under Samuel's leadership stay faithful to God, and prosper. We're only in Chapter 8, and Samuel's task is almost done. He is getting old, and the Israelites have had enough of judges. They want a KING.

"Had enough of judges" is a popular sentiment, even in these days.

So we get to the story of Saul, who starts off as something of a goodie, and ends up as something of a baddie - and dead. We see him first looking for his father's asses (or donkeys, as Americans would have it).

One of Saul's father's donkeys.

Being able to deal with asses is a great qualification for a monarch, even these days, and so Samuel anoints Saul as king. The Philistines are still causing a lot of trouble: nowadays "Philistines" tends to refer to those who hate culture, so it is no surprise that they don't get on with the man who now comes upon the scene - David, a skilled harpist.

David demonstrates his secret weapon against Philistines.

David, who is going to become a major figure in Jewish history, has another weapon, of course: a sling, with which he despatches the giant Goliath. After that, Saul becomes very jealous of David, especially as it becomes clearer that David is to succeed him as king. Saul wants to kill David, who goes into exile.

David wants to take flight, but there are questions over his hand-luggage.

However, Saul's son Jonathan is a great friend of David; also, in fact, his brother-in-law. At this point some silly people who have never had proper friends will tell you that it is something to do with homosexuality, but that theory doesn't make sense given all the other information we have.

The rest of the first book of Samuel contains a lot of the squabbling between Saul and David. Saul has definitely gone over to the dark side at this point, and Samuel makes a surprise comeback, when the Witch of Endor recalls him to warn Saul that there's trouble ahead.

So it all comes to a head at the end of 1 Samuel, when the Philistines defeat Saul and Jonathan in battle at Mount Gilboa, and they both die. Things have gone rather badly under King Saul. Will King David do any better?

A Philistine inscription: "When I hear the word culture, I reach for my sword!"

Judges

We continue with the Eccles Bible project, a crash course on the Bible intended for mad zoologists ill-educated atheists. Now, somewhere between 1400 BC and 1050 BC, we continue to study Israelite history, as they entrust their safety to a series of rulers, referred to as Judges.

Nowadays it's unlikely that a society would entrust itself to a judge.

Once again the basic theme is that Israel gets into trouble with its enemies, calls on God (Yahweh), and then gets itself out of the mess with the help of a new mighty leader.

It's hard to think that a mighty leader might be called Barak.

So Deborah and her side-kick Barak provide some memorable leadership, defeating the Canaanite armies led by Sisera; they are given useful help by Jael, who hammers a tent peg into Sisera's head.

It was considered unwise to go on a camping holiday with Jael.

Gideon is another mighty leader with a somewhat inappropriate name, but let's pass on that one, and take a look at Samson.

Samson (post-haircut) sings "Why, why, why, Delilah?"

Samson starts off as a sort of superhero, able to wrestle lions, slay an army with the jawbone of a donkey - somewhere there is a donkey wandering around whose braying skills are severely hampered - and knock down temples etc. But he is also amazingly STUPID, as when Delilah asks him for advice on how to take his strength away from him, he actually tells her. Yes, she gives him a "Damian Thompson" haircut.

... and if that doesn't work, you can always kill me with green Kryptonite.

Well, Richard, this book consists mainly of history (and some cracking good stories), but it's a bit light on spiritual nourishment, so don't worry too much about it. Although it starts with Adonibezek having his thumbs and his big toes cut off, and ends with the fate of the four hundred young virgins of Jabeshgilead, this is not really the point. The real Christian teaching will come much later, although the next book (Ruth) may turn out to be a bit more edifying.

Adonibezek is unconvinced.

Numbers

So we reach Chapter 4 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who is trying to get to grips with theology. We have already seen Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus.

This is not really what the Book of Numbers is about.

Still, some numbers do appear in the book of that name: Moses starts off by counting his people, and comes up with a total of 603,550 men over the age of 20, fit for military service (they are expecting trouble, then...). Rather a lot, really. I had always thought in terms of a smallish flock, but here we have something like the population of Glasgow - since the women and children are presumably not included in this figure.

Some of the Children of Glasgow prepare for a fight.

Anyway, once the census is over, there are various adventures in the desert. The Levites play a prominent part, as people of that tribe don't do military service, but are reserved for religious duties - perhaps a bit hard on those who wanted to become chartered accountants or manufacturers of jeans.

For about forty years, the people of Israel - who are chosen by God, although they don't really find out why until much later - wander in the desert, and most of this takes place in the book of Numbers. Aaron will die, and Moses will be told that he also cannot go into the promised land.

It's not really important, except as a nice story, but let's mention Balaam and his talking donkey. Balaam wants to go and curse the Israelites, because Balak the King of Moab asked him to. But an angel stops him.

Balaam's donkey sees the angel, and gets hit as a result.

So basically, the people of Israel are under God's protection. This makes them very unpopular with the hosts of Midian, whom they basically decide to massacre. Not to mention the Canaanites. Not to mention Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking - sticking up for the Midianites.

Richard, old fruit, I know you're distinctly unhappy with this bit of the Bible. Why is a loving God telling the Israelites to kill people? Even evil people, who indulged in things like prostitution, abortion, and same-sex marriage? Why, aren't we lucky that we don't do things like that ourselves, eh? We might be in deep trouble!

I don't think a caption is needed...

All right, so basically the Israelites are going to do God's will, and as a result they will get preferential treatment. We have one more book of the Pentateuch/Torah to go (i.e., Deuteronomy), and this will see us through to the end of Moses.

Moses and the bronze snake (Numbers 21) - an early homeopathic cure for snake-bite.

---

A note on the text: apparently, in Chapter 10 the author uses a rare glyph called an inverted nun. Since these are so rare, let's have a photo.

An inverted nun.

Anti Moly's Memiors

"Has you got any organs, Anti?" I asked my dere Grate-Ant Moly a few days ago.
"Well, we has got an old barrel organ in de attic," she said. "As you know, I was a virtouso performer of de Yakety Sax tune at Methoddist funerals, in my yuonger days. Also I used to take Bosco out into de street to make music, when he was a wee lad."



Dat's Anti Moly and my dere bruvver Bosco givvin a recittal in de street.

"Nope, I don't fink dat's what I meant, Anti," I explaned. "You see dere is a loony in Manchesster wot finks dat Jessus had both male and female organs. Dem's what dey calls hermenuetics. De Pop knows all about it."

Anti Moly told me I was an idoit (dem's creul words, Anti), and went on to reveel dat de time has come to write her memiors, becuase she has lived a very interrestin life, and it is only rihgt dat de humman race shuold be able to read all abuot it. At pressent all she does is reveal little snippets of her autoboigraphy on uvver poeple's blogg, which of cuorse is much more interrestin dan discussin de actaul topic of de blogg.

"But you is very busy, Anti, pickin fights wiv Cathlics 24/7," I said. "Why doesnt you get someone to gohst-write de book?"
"Dat's a good idea, Eccles," said Anti Moly. "I can tell dem de story about how I trekked in de Himalayers lookin for de Dolly Llama, and got mistaken for de Abonimable Snowman. Also de true facts about my romances wiv Hermann Gorring and Cradinal Pell. Den dey can write it up propperly."

Anti is still very cross becuase George Pell refusses to admit dat he ever knew her, but she is tryin to console herself wiv anuvver admirrer, wot comes ruond to drink cammomile tea wiv her (dat's a code word we is now using for cream de menth, cos we doesnt want people to fink she drinks a lot).



We has tried askin St Cuttley, de cellebrated novelist, author of de best-cellar "Thopmson takes charge," to gohst-write Anti's memiors, but he has very pollitely declinned, cos de stresses of copin wiv his fambly is keepin him too busy.

I mentoined to Anti Moly dat dere is a tallented writer wot keeps donkeys on de Costa Blanca (Spane), and wot is very used to writin under false names, but she went into a fit of historics and I had to give her some more cammomile tea - if you knows what I mean (dere is a sutble clue below).



So we is still finkin abuot a gohst-writer. Dere's a cosstume holly man called Peter Mullen wot has retired now, and mihgt be availlable. Or else dere is Damain Thopmson, wot dont seem to be doin very much dese days.

I spose I might try writin up Anti Moly's memiors myself, but I is reely quite busy wiv dis blogg, wot gives spiritaul nuorishment to many poeple who wants to be saved.

I is concluddin today wiv a jolly pitcher of a dove, as authenticatted by Anti Moly de grate orthinologist. I fink it is saying "Ho Ho, you aint saved!"

How to be poppular

Anti Moly was feelin a little unhappy todday, I cuold tell by de way she burst into tears after tippin her bowl of cronflakes over me (I had forgotten to add de gin). It turns out dat she is upset cos she gets de impressoin dat she aint a poppular pusson.

"Dere is poeple on Damain's blogg who allways gits dere comments reccommended by de traddy Cathlic sockpoppet clique," she told me, "and de ones dat gets de most reccommends is de ones dat is nasty about me."

One of de poeple she is jeallous of is a chap in Spane. "He got 4 donkeys," said Anti Moly. "I is gonna outwit him by gittin 5 donkeys and writin a luvvly blogg about dem." Dis is a pitcher of Anti Moly havvin a test drive on a donkey. De poor donkey aint very happy wiv de load.



So we decidded to go for somefink else, and Anti Moly remembered dat when she was a child she pestered her parents to give her a pet crockodile.
"But aint de savage temper and de viscous teeth gonna cuase probblems?" asked her Mom.
"Dey alreddy does," said Moly's Dad, "but I expect dat crockodiles can defend demselves against our Moly OK."

So little Moly got a pet crockodile, or maybe it was an alligattor.



Nowadays de viscous teeth aint a probblem, except when she leaves dem on a chair and we sits on em by mistake. Bosco used to be fond of sayin "Bite me!" until dat happenned.

So, in her old age, Anti Moly is lookin forward to gettin 4 crockodiles, and takin dem to town to help carry home de shoppin. She is gonna make videoes of dem dancin, and put dem on her blogg, as well as on Youtub. It's a pity she is too late for Chritsmas, or she could have given de crockodiles red Farver Chritsmas hats.

I gotta admitt dat red hats is a sore point wiv Anti Moly, at pressent, as Cradinal Pell is still refussin to reply to her letters and e-males, or even to admit dat he was ever sweet on her. Perhaps we can get de crocks to wear black Farver Arfur hats (dey is called berettas), so dat dey can be crockodiles in good stand-in.

So I fink dat Anti Moly has cracked de probblem of how to be a poppular pusson wiv an excitin blogg. Dis puts her in good companny wiv me, Bosco, rabit, St Cuttley (de one who writes a blogg sayin how horrid his kids is), and dem Pure Traddy Cathlics wot aint saved.



Now we is wonderin whevver we can do somefink to make Farver Arfur poppular. Arfur is seen above givvin de last rights to someone - dis is what Cathlic cosstume holly men does to make sure dat poeple knows when de Pop wants dem to die. After Farver Arfur started readin out a list of all his worst sins, de chap in the photto said dat Death wuold come as a mercifull releese.

Rehearsin a play

Well we is all gettin very excitted about the Calumny Chappel Nattivity Play. But my big bruvver Bosco, who is cast as de back half of Mary's donkkey, is in a grate panick.
"Woss my lines?" he asked me. "I is a grate artiste, and I is saved, so I gotta give my message to de world." We explanes dat de rear ends of donkkeys aint normaly grate conversatoinalists, but Bosco has read de Bibble, and has heard about Balham's Ass in de Book of Nubmers, wot used to shout "Sockpoppet!" at him.



So Bosco feels dat as a grate acter he has got de right to express himself. "You aint saved, Mary you stuppid dame," he wants to say in a donkkey voice. "You is a grate sinner. Hee-haw! Hee-haw!" We is still workin on dis role. We doesnt want Mary to fall off de donkkey when Bosco starts brayin at her.

Meanwhile, we has fuond a missin fraggment of de Gopsel of St Luke, where he brings in a comick charactter for lihgt releif. Strangley, we fuond dis text on de printer in Anti Moly's bedroom.



1. And dere was abiddin in Nazzareth an old lady called Haddach wot said she was de Anti of de Verger Mary.
2. And lo! Haddach spent de nihgt in a vigill, wherein she screamed and shouted insullts at de passers-by.
3. Yeah, and she spake sayin "Traddy Sockpoppets! Verilly de sittuatoin is woeful! Such is life!"

Dere is uvver bits in de Bibble wot mentoins Haddach, for exammple when Jessus turns de water into wine at Canna, she is dere complanin dat He didnt make gin.



Dis could be Anti Moly's chance for starrdom. Now dat we has insertted dis fraggment into de Calumny Chappel Bibble (which is loose-leaff, so dat we can allso remove bits we doesnt like), we is ready to includ her in de Nattivity Play.

Farver Arfur (also known as Napolleon) is de third herro of dis blogg, even thuogh he is a Cathlic and not saved. He has assked to take part in our holly cosstume dramma, and we fink de part of King Horrid is taylor-made for him. When de wise men comes in and says "Ullo! We is wise men! We has got a B.A. in camel-ridin," he tells dem dat dey is evill rotten sinners for prettendin to be wiser than him.



Arfur is lookin forward to his big sceene, where King Horrid gets to massaccre de innocennts, especailly as he explanes dat dey wasnt innocennt at all, but was guilty of committin lotsa sins listed in de Catacoms of de Churhc, such as bein Traddie Babbies and committin de sin of Subbtraction.



Dis is one of dem evil babbies, dat Farver Horrid is gonna be massacring, and I am sure he desserves it.

Dey has found a part for me too, I is gonna be an angle of de Lord. Not de one wot says "Ullo, Mary, does you want to guess why I has bruoght you a pile of babby clothes?" but annuver one wot sings about Gloria in Exchelseas, dats Lattin, cos dem angles wos foriegners and cuoldnt speak propper English like us. It's all very excittin bein a grate acter.

De escapped loony

Well, we ain't had much luck selling Bosco's suol so far. We got some professionnal auctoineers to value it, but dey said dat it was so dirty and corrupt dat noboddy wuold want it. So we is keepin it on de market in case a surprise bidder turns up wot aint too fussy.

Bosco has been honoured by de Calumny Chappel for his stirling evangellical work, dey is gonna put his imagge on de wall, to go wiv de cement doves.



Some poeple say dat dis is a gravven image, but it's OK provided you doesnt kiss it, and dere aint much chance of dat. It sure is a good likeness of my handdsome bruvver Bosco.

---

De uvver news of my bruvver is dat we is gonna have a Calumny Chappel Nattivity Play, which is somefink to do with Chritsmas. Bosco has got de starrin roll as de back end of Mary's donkkey, becuase of his luvvly blogg. My bruvver wanted to play de part of Mary, as he finks dat she is a very improtant pusson, so he went along to de audditoins, but didnt get de job.



Bosco offerred to put on a blue dress, but dey said a man wiv a clown face wasnt gonna look much like Mary, whereas he alreddy looked like de back end of a donkkey.

Anti Moly feels very left out. Even dough she aint relligiuos she does take a grate interrest in dese matters, and allways wants to stick her ore in. Howevver, de Gopsell of Luke dont mentoin an old lady wot kept cryin out "Woefull," "Sockpoppet," and "Wheres de gin?" so we is a bit stuck. Bosco said we cuold write in a part for Haddach, de comic Anti of Mary, to get a few laughs, since we in de Calumny Chappel adds bits to de Bibble and deletes bits when we feels like it. But Pastor Al Shehperd refused to allow it.

---

An odd fing wot happened todday was dat I got a phone call from de local Loony Bin sayin "We has lost a loony, has you seen im? He gotta dellusion dat he is a preist, and calls himself Farver Arfur. Or sometimes he finks he is Napolleon."

Well we knows a Farver Arfur, but he claims to be a real preist. He showed me a badge dat he was givven by de Pop, who kissed him on de cheeks and said he was a good and fateful savant (it seems dat Farver Arfur repplied "I wish I cuold say de same abuot you, but you is a traddy Pop and orta be ashammed of yousself for writin all dem horrid fings in Lattin"). Dat surely proves dat Arfur is a real preist.



"I is also a grate freind of my Bishopp," explaned Farver Arfur, "cos I keeps phonin him up and tellin him dat he has offended against de Catacoms of de Churhc, specificaly Articles 2477, 3142, 6666, 2718281828, and 1111122222 to 1111177777 inclussive."
"Does you see him in de Cathedrall?" asked Bosco. "I spose he's got a Babble-onion fish hat, cos he aint saved like me."
"Yup, and he has got a specail place for me, dat I sits on when I goes to the Cathedrall."
"Gosh, you has got your own throan, den?"
"Nope, de Bishopp calls it de nuaghty step, and he says I gotta sit dere until I learns to behhave in a more Chritsian fashoin. Dat's a wicked act on his part, we experts calls it de sin of Diffraction."

So it is definittely a mysterry whevver Farver Arfur and de escapped loony is one and de same. Here is a recent pitcher of our freind rellaxin in his spare set of clothes dat he wears when he aint bein a cosstume hollyman.



He is plannin to go to Moscow some time, I fink. It aint bad except in de winter.

Bosco wants to sell his suol

My bruvver Bosco is allways short of monney, as he aint never been able to hold down a proper job. De last one dat he had was some contract work for Richard Dakwins, he was bein employed to sneak into Cathlic churhces and spray rude slogans on de walls, like "All preists is pevrets" and "Git lost Mary," also he was paintin false mousetaches on de statues of Jessus dat Cathlics like kissin. Dis is called thoelogical dialogg.

While he was doin dis usefull work, Bosco met a stranger who said "Ullo, bruvver, my name is Mepphisto, and I finks I mihgt have an offer dat wuold interrest you. I sees from your work dat you got all de rihgt quallificatoins."

You may say dat dis Mepphisto is a funny-lookin chap, but when you comppares him wiv my Anti Moly you sees dat he's quite handdsome reely.



Bosco he came back very excitted, and said, "Dis Mepphisto guy he is a saved pusson, as he says dat he knows both Jessus and Sattan, dat means he's got freinds in both Heaven and Hell. We's reely gonna cleen up here, Eccles."

Mepphisto sure was offerin a very good deal, as all Bosco gotta do is to promisse him his suol when he dies, and before dat Bosco can have riches, girls, and as many cemment doves as he wants.

Bosco aint had much luck with girls lately, here he is tryin to chat up a girl in de Calumny Chappel, she dont seem to be very impressed by his eloqquence.



De odd fing about de conttract is dat it gotta be singed in Bosco's own blood. We is gonna consult our laywers, Cuttley, Buttley and Muttley, to see whevver dis is a standard leggal proceddure.

I was askin Bosco about dis iddea of sellin your suol to de Devill, cos we can't see any catch in it. Bosco keeps tellin me dat he knows Jessus, He came into Bosco's life when he was on a bus, and said "Ullo, where is you goin, young man?" Dis changed Bosco's life for good, he knew dat he was a saved pusson, and he got off de bus and went off to buy a clown cosstume. Jessus shouted after him "Oi! You aint paid for your tickett," which is a message we is still tryin to unnderstand.

So since Bosco is saved, he says dere aint no harm in gettin a good price for his suol since he aint gonna need it much. By de same token, he said I should try and sell my brane as I aint usin it, I dont fink dats a nice fing for a big bruvver to say, Bosco.

Meanwhile, Bosco is havin truoble understandin Cathlic festivvals. Farver Arfur explaned dat we is now in Advent, which is de seasson when we preppares for de birth of Christ by kissin lotsa statues of Mary. Also we reconciles ourselfs wiv our ennemies (for example, by sendin dem piosoned boxes of chocollates).

Bosco and me is finkin of sendin out Chrisstmas cards to all our friends, but it aint easy to find a good dessign, as some of dem has got Mary and Josseph on so dey is gravven images and makes Bosco lose controll. Still, we got two cards dat we quite likes, and here dey is.



Dat's a Calumny Chappel approved Labm (becuase Bosco and me, we follows de Labm).



Dat's baby Jessus on a donkkey. He has told Mary to git lost cos she is a sinner and aint saved. Bosco explaned dis to me.

A Cathlic book

Well, my bruvver Bosco esscaped from de hopsital and ran down de street, dat's not bad wiv all his injurries, but when de Lord is wiv you, and Jessus tells you dat you is saved, den you got de strentgh of ten men. Here is anuvver pitcher of Bosco showin a certtain quiet dignitty as he gives de kiss of peace to some passers-by who aint saved.



"Is we bein raptured, Bosco?" I asked when I cuaght him up. "Only I fought it would be more excittin dan dis."
"Shut up, Eccles," replied my bruvver. Dis is how he treats me when he is cross, I fink dat even when we gits to Heaven he's gonna say "Shut up, Eccles."

We got home and knokced on the door, becos dem nuns what beat us up had stollen our house keys. Grate-Anti Moly opened de door.
"You're de rabbit. Go away! Go back to your donnkeys! Sockpoppet!" she screamed.
"Who's de rabbit, Anti?" I asked.
"Both of you. Fannatical, traddie, sad, RC cliqque bigots of the worst sort, don't try to impose your superstitoins on me, you constantly insullt me but seem totally incappable of realizing this..."
"Eccles, go and git a botle of sherry from de shop round de corner," hissed Bosco.
"Is you sure, Bosco?" I whipsered back. "It seems a bit cruel to hit Anti wiv a sherry botle. Maybe we could clibm in thruogh a window instead."
"It's for her to drink, you punchdrunk airhead!" repplied my bruvver, kindly puttin me straihgt.

Two hours later in de house, Anti was snorrin peacefully. But Bosco was readin a big book and gittin more and more angry. "Eccles, look at dis Cathlic book I found!" he shouted. "Dis proved dey aint saved, dem fillthy swine! It says here: 'Jesus was no more than a mortal whom We favored and made an example to the Isrealites.'"

"Bosco, we gottem!" I said. "Dis proves dat de Cathlics is wrong from start to finish and dey can't be saved. Woss this Cathlic book called den?"
"Dey calls it de Korran," said Bosco. "I read on de Internet dat it was written by a Pop called Mohhamed. Dey got a lot about dis Allah chap in it, I fink he's a Cathlic iddle."
Well we is an unassaillable position now, and I spose dem Cathlics aint gonna dare show dere faces round here in futture.

Here's a pitcher of a liddle boy worshippin a golden iddle. It shows dat dem Cathlic leads dere kids into iddletree very young, I finks it's shockin, and so does Bosco.