1 Samuel

In the white corner, Brother Eccles, implementing the Eccles Bible Project. In the black corner, an atheist called Richard who is struggling to say say just one intelligent thing about religion. Today's topic: the first book of Samuel. I was going to do both together, but there's too much action.

Samuel - became a prophet at an early age.

Whereas most babies cry in the night and wake their parents, Samuel is himself woken in the night by God, and told to get prophesying. Actually, he does rather more than that, as he will soon become the last of the Judges, and when he's a bit older he leads the Israelites against the Philistines.

The Philistines have stolen the Ark of the Covenant, which is the most holy thing the Israelites have, and taken it to the Temple of Dagon, who may well have been a fish-god. A bad move, as Dagon's idol is first knocked down, and then vandalised.

Dagon - we'll agree with Richard that this is not a god to be worshipped.

The Philistines start to suffer from "emerods" which is a nice word for a most disgusting condition (piles); we never did this bit at school, as all the boys would have sniggered.

To cut a long story short, the Israelites get their Ark back, and under Samuel's leadership stay faithful to God, and prosper. We're only in Chapter 8, and Samuel's task is almost done. He is getting old, and the Israelites have had enough of judges. They want a KING.

"Had enough of judges" is a popular sentiment, even in these days.

So we get to the story of Saul, who starts off as something of a goodie, and ends up as something of a baddie - and dead. We see him first looking for his father's asses (or donkeys, as Americans would have it).

One of Saul's father's donkeys.

Being able to deal with asses is a great qualification for a monarch, even these days, and so Samuel anoints Saul as king. The Philistines are still causing a lot of trouble: nowadays "Philistines" tends to refer to those who hate culture, so it is no surprise that they don't get on with the man who now comes upon the scene - David, a skilled harpist.

David demonstrates his secret weapon against Philistines.

David, who is going to become a major figure in Jewish history, has another weapon, of course: a sling, with which he despatches the giant Goliath. After that, Saul becomes very jealous of David, especially as it becomes clearer that David is to succeed him as king. Saul wants to kill David, who goes into exile.

David wants to take flight, but there are questions over his hand-luggage.

However, Saul's son Jonathan is a great friend of David; also, in fact, his brother-in-law. At this point some silly people who have never had proper friends will tell you that it is something to do with homosexuality, but that theory doesn't make sense given all the other information we have.

The rest of the first book of Samuel contains a lot of the squabbling between Saul and David. Saul has definitely gone over to the dark side at this point, and Samuel makes a surprise comeback, when the Witch of Endor recalls him to warn Saul that there's trouble ahead.

So it all comes to a head at the end of 1 Samuel, when the Philistines defeat Saul and Jonathan in battle at Mount Gilboa, and they both die. Things have gone rather badly under King Saul. Will King David do any better?

A Philistine inscription: "When I hear the word culture, I reach for my sword!"

Enda gets a knock.

Over now to Knock in Ireland, the site of the National Marian Shrine: and we have a most unusual pilgrim at the airport.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Enda. Enda who? Enda Life.

Eccles: We are indeed fortunate today to have a visit from that most pious of Catholics, Enda Life, the Teashop of Ireland. Especially at a village known for its shrine to the Blessed Virgin Mary, a woman who carried Jesus in her womb and spent 9 months complaining about it. Good morning, Enda. What are your thoughts on arriving at this sacred place?

Enda: Well, I was thinking that the way to solve Ireland's problems is to bring in liberal abortion laws. As a faithful Catholic, I know that this was something very dear to the heart of Mary.

Mary, a figure who has greatly influenced Enda Kenny.

Eccles: Have you discussed this with a priest? If you ask Cardinal Brady politely, he may just be prepared to grant you an interview. I gather that his views are somewhat different.

Enda: Look, am I or am I not allowed to decide for myself what Mary would have wanted? Isn't the Massacre of the Innocents a great Catholic feast?

Eccles: Well, not exactly. You may have got that slightly wrong.

Enda: The great thing about abortion is that it can be used to cure all sorts of unrelated illnesses. Got an infection? Have an abortion. Got a boil on your backside? Have an abortion. Got an ingrowing toenail? Have an abortion. Feeling depressed by the most recent episode of Downton Abbey? Have an abortion.

The Witch of Enda urges Saul to bring in abortion legislation.

Eccles: What if I'm not pregnant?

Enda: Oh just kill a random baby. It doesn't much matter whose. We call it "the protection of life."

Hallowe'en Mass

Now that Hallowe'en - which has absolutely nothing to do with All Hallows Eve - has become a major secular celebration at this time of year, the church of St Daryl the Apostate has decided to join in by celebrating Mass with a special Hallowe'en liturgy.

Vestments for the Mass include a pumpkin mask for Fr Arthur.

The Service begins with the Paul Inwood hymn Trick or Treat Ch-Ch? (loosely based on the Gregorian chant Fallere aut Remunerare?) After this, prayers will be offered to St Jack O' Lantern, an Irish Saint who was often "Lit up."

St Jack O' Lantern, pray for us.

The readings for the day are expected to include the passage from 1 Samuel 28, where King Saul is turned into a frog by the Witch of Endor. The text on which Fr Arthur preaches tonight is Revelation 21, where it is claimed that sorcerers will end up in a pool burning with fire and brimstone; he will explain that this is purely a metaphor for people scowling at them ("Hate Crime") as they practice their sincerely-held beliefs.

We welcome witches. Note the modernist broomsticks!

After the service, there will be "eye of newt and toe of frog" soup and bread rolls available in the Church Hall. Do come along!

Making the soup.

Anti Moly's memiors

Life is very interrestin for my Grate-Anti Moly at present. She is enjoyin her time at de seaside, wiv dem grate oportunitties of meetin new poeple and screemin at dem. As I has alreddy recorded, she is very interrested in Bhuddism, and she says dat she has been many interrestin poeple in previous lives wiv whom she shares many good quallities, viz Ned Kelly, de Witch of Endor, and Lucrezzia Borggia. Dis may explane why Anti Moly hates Cathlics cos frankly dem Borggias got up to some evil fings as you might expect, and she says dem Pops aint changed much since den.

Here is a jolly pitcher of Anti Moly in her Witch of Endor incranation. Frankly she aint changed much. We dat is saved and reads de Bibble knows dat Anti Moly is talking to Sual who is askin to see the spirrit of de profit Sameul. Sameul aint too pleased wiv dis, as when dey puts "Rest in Peace" on your tobmstone dis means dat you doesnt want to be waked up every time some niusance feels like a chat.



Since you is probbably readin dis blogg in order to be saved I is happy to explane dis pitcher so dat you can learn somethin usefull.

Anyway, Anti Moly has decidded to write her memiors, which will be facsinatin readin I am sure. I was expectin her to tell about her past career as a seller of haddocks in de fish market (dey calls dem fish wives aldough dey aint really married to fish), and den her later career wiv de Molybendite Minin Company when dey sent her underguond wiv a lamp on her head and a pickaxe, and told her to stop hittin de uvver minors.

I aint got a pitcher of Anti Moly in de mines, but here is a pitcher of a typiccal woman minor. She looks strangley familliar, maybe she is a rellative of ours.



However, Anti Moly have decidded to focuss on de traggic evennts on Damain Thopmson's blogg in June 2010 when she had a fihgt wiv some Cathlics and got banned. "I has only writted about it very breifly on Damain's blogg," she explaned, "and de full story have not yet been told. It will need about 200 pages in my memiors to explane what went on, and how I was not to blame for anything."

Pussonally, I fink I'd rather read about her times as a dancer (she used de stage name Waltzin Mattilda), but Anti Moly is de boss.

I doesnt dare show dis to my bruvver Bosco but dey has made an iddle of Ned Kelly (a previous incranation of Anti Moly), and de face is nearly worn away wiv Cathlics kissin it.



You doesnt often see saints wiv guns, dey aint mentoined in de Bibble and so we is all a bit shocked by dis one.