Three grim histories

Palestine, 4 BC.

King Enda the Great, leader of the Fine Galilee party, today expelled four of his members for opposing the new Massacre of the Innocents law, which would "protect life" by slaughtering all babies up to the age of two years old.

King Enda, with a very apprehensive-looking baby.

As "Enda Life" explained, "There is no room in my party for people who, for sentimental or religious reasons, refuse to go along with my life-saving 'kill kill kill' policy. In fact, the religious argument is completely bogus, since the Chief Priest, Diar-muid Mar-tin, refuses to excommunicate me - as everyone knows, I am considered to be a devout and pious member of the Church."

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Meanwhile, in Wales, a law of "presumed consent" has been passed, stating that anyone found to be dead - or nearly dead - may be recycled for spare parts. This is likely to be extended to cover people who sit still for too long, or fall asleep in a public place, as they may also be presumed dead.

No waiting. It's really not a good idea. Keep moving. There's a doctor watching.

It is thought that the idea may pass to Scotland, where Messrs Burke and Hare, who run a flourishing "spare parts" business in Edinburgh, have expressed enthusiastic support for the Welsh legislation.

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Finally, in Texas, a group of pro-abortion activists has been seen crying "Hail Satan!" This will be seen as a very positive step by many U.S. Catholics, such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, showing as it does that, despite minor differences of religious doctrine, it is still possible for Catholics and Satanists to reach agreement on a number of important issues, such as the excellence of abortion! It's a great day for ecumenism!

The time for religious conflict such as this is over!

The diary of a nobody

June 4th. Represented Ballydancer in a hurling match. The aim was to hurl as many insults at the Vatican as possible in 90 minutes. I managed to keep ranting for the whole period without taking a breath. "Well done, Father Flummery!" said the spectators.

Ladies' hurling. Of course the Vatican wants to stop it.

June 5th: Still in a state of open warfare with the Vatican. Went to the Ballydancer post office to collect my mail - they won't deliver it to the house since I poured a plate of Irish stew over the postman, mistaking him for my bishop.

My letter of complaint to Pope Benedict has been returned, marked "Gone away!" Apparently there's a new pope, called Francis. They kept that one a secret didn't they? I expect they did that to confuse me and my secret society CRAP - The Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests.

The new Pope (in front, with giant fish). But nobody told Tony Flummery, did they?

June 6th: Read the Tablet. Very good, as is the National Catholic Reporter. They're taking up my case against the Vatican. "Justice for Flummery!" suggested that nice woman, Catherine Peppermint. They also suggest writing to Basil Loftus, who can always be relied on to say something to irritate Catholics.

June 7th: I am a great admirer of Enda Life, our Taoiseach, so I went into the street with a banner "Enda Life for Jesus." Enda's a fine Gael, the finest you ever saw. My brother Frankenstein works for him, you know. At the moment we are all campaigning for lots of lovely abortion in Ireland - if that doesn't annoy Pope Benedict Francis, I don't know what else will!

Enda Kenny plays "When Irish eyes are smiling" on a giant tin of shoe-polish.

June 8th: Spent the day working on my latest book, Judas Iscariot - the first rebel against the Vatican. The man was an inspiration to us all.

June 9th (Sunday): Said Mass at Ballydancer. It seems that there is a new translation of the Missal. It's terrible. I got as far as "consubstantial with the Father" and then fell to the ground in a fit, foaming at the mouth. It seems that I'll be spending next week in the Ballydancer Infirmary. I'll bet that the Vatican doesn't send anyone round with grapes.

Someone fixed this to my hospital bed! I suspect the CDF.

Dan Brown's new translation of the Mass

Following on from a pathetic pastiche called The Da Mian Cod and the rather more ambitious Don’t make fun of renowned Dan Brown, by a deacon in good standing, it has been announced that Dan Brown, in conjunction with the Bitter Pill, has produced a new translation of the Mass, which Catholics are urged to adopt forthwith.

Literary giant Dan Brown attends the launch of his new Missal at the Vatican.

For the first time, we are able to release some excerpts from the new Creed, as translated by Dan Brown.

I believe in one divine God,
the paternal Father, almighty and known for being very competent,
reputed for making things, indeed He
made the celestial Heaven and terrestrial earth,
and all things visible and invisible, including things you can see 
and things you can't see. Plus a few things that you can
sometimes see but not always, like the Moon.

The invisible man - never mentioned in official Vatican documents.

...I believe in one Lord, the highly-esteemed Jesus Christ,
the Only Begotten Celebrity Son of God,
born of the Father before all ages - which includes the
Ice Age, the Stone Age, the Bronze Age and the Iron Age.

The Ice Age: Robert Langdon discovered that this was a cold time.

... was incarnate of the Virgin Mary,
and became man.
Also he married Mary Magdalene and had children, but they
keep this secret from you.

Mary Magdalene, a woman with a secret.

...He ascended into heaven, which is
a bit like going up in an elevator, 
only without the whirring sound,
and is seated at the right hand of the Father, 
which He keeps at the end of His right arm.

A rough idea of how the Ascension works.

The next step will be to translate this back into Latin for use at EF Masses.

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Meanwhile, Lord Falconer is to present a bill to the House of Lords this week: it would introduce a system allowing doctors to provide a fatal dose of drugs to patients judged to have less than six months to live.

Overweight, probably a bad health risk. Will he last 6 months?

It's generally considered by Christians that euthanasia is a bad idea (as indeed is suicide), and, looking around, we see many people who might be in danger of being "pushed off the edge."

Enda Kenny - could that problem with his mouth be fatal?

Many Irish, worried about the horrible things Enda Kenny's mouth keeps producing, are hoping to club together to send him to a clinic in Switzerland... or England... or indeed anywhere except Ireland.

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Finally, as a bit of light relief from the serious items above, we attended a service at the Church of the Holy Bubbles, and were pleased to see the dignity and holiness with which the Mass was celebrated.

The Elevation. "Take thee much soap" (Jeremiah 2:22, KJV).

Don't worry, this is not Pope Francis.

Pope Francis, as a former chemist, is of course extremely capable of synthesising bubbles whenever he wishes, although he has the wisdom to recognise that the Mass is not the most appropriate occasion for this.

Pope Francis sends a giant bubble in pursuit of a heretic.

Another letter to the President of Boston College

Dear Farver Bill,

You has no doubt been gettin a lot of very pollite letters recently, such as de one from my friend Ben Trovato.

Fr William Leahy, Boston College (unsaved).

De general idea is dat poeple is disgusted wiv you, buster, I mean Farver, cos your dump is givvin an honorary degree to one of de biggest scuondrels dat I know of, viz, de Torchwood of Ireland, "Enda Life" Kenny.

Enda Kenny, seems to have a disgustin ear disease.

Now I know dat you is a libberal Cathlic, wot means you aint too hot on orthodoxy, and has probbably sold your suol to de Devil, so I expect de fact dat dis Enda type is bringin in some disgustin leggislatoin, which will lead to a lot of abortoins of poor babies, aint gonna cut much ice wiv you. Still I thuoght I'd mentoin it, in case you wanted to make a last-minute repenttance.

Perhaps you cuold explain why so many Jesiuts is a disgrace to de Cathlic church these days? I aint referrin to de Pop, wot is by all accounts a real Cathlic, but I wuoldnt like to be in your shoes when he finds out what sort of activitties you is encuoraging.

St Ignatius of Loyola. Not gonna be very pleased wiv you either, is he, Fr Bill?

Well, I hopes you dont mind dese few freindly words of critisicm, you viper in de bosom of de Cathlic church, but it is best dat some freindly pusson (who also happens to be saved) points out de error of your ways.

Yours sincerely, Eccles.

P.S. You might take a look at de uvver honorary gradaunds you is proposin, viz, Gary Glitter, Dr Evan Harris, O.J. Simpson, Stuart Hall, Richard Dawkins and Kim Jong-un, to see whevver dey is also representative of Cathlic values. One or two of dem may be a bit dodgy.

"Do I have to mix with the likes of Enda Kenny?" asks Kim Jong-un.

Have we got news for you?

In Scotland, a pro-life doctor, Doctor John Finlay, has been reported to the General Medical Council, the British Medical Association, the National Health Service, the Office of Fair Trading, Which?, CAMRA, OFGAS, Esther Rantzen, George Galloway, the RSPCA, and the RAC for professional malpractice.

Dr Finlay (R) - a pro-life fiend.

Apparently, a woman came into Dr Finlay's surgery with a young baby who was suffering from an ear infection. Dr Finlay, a staunch Catholic, was quite shocked when the lady said "Well, let's just terminate this one, and I'll have another one, with genetically superior ears." Instead he insulted her by dropping some ear drops into the baby's ear, and sending her home.

Should babies with earache be allowed to continue living?

The Edinburgh Pro-Choice Association (joint presidents, William Burke and William Hare) is up in arms at Dr Finlay's religious bigotry. It has vowed to get him thrown out of his profession, and to prevent all shopkeepers and tradesmen from serving him, in the hope that he and his family will do the decent thing and starve to death. "How is the body-snatching industry going to survive if doctors insist on saving lives?" they asked.

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Meanwhile, further turmoil hit the BBC today after the arrest of Bill the Flowerpotman. Mr Flowerpotman is currently under investigation by the police for alleged sexual harassment of Miss Weed on various occasions in the 1960s, although he has consistently claimed that it was his brother Ben who was guilty.

Bill (sex fiend?) and Ben, with Miss Weed, in happier times.

It seems that Mr Flowerpotman was due to chair the next edition of the news quiz game show Have I got news for you? - his verbal skills being considered far superior to those of Ian Hislop and Paul Merton. Hislop, one of the stars of the programme, took time off from thinking of sexual jokes about Catholics for his once-funny magazine Private Eye to comment "Flobadob!" before dissolving into gales of laughter at his own wit.

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Finally, Boston College, the Jesuit University, has confirmed that it will be awarding an honorary degree to Dr Kermit Gosnell, the controversial doctor. "After we awarded one to Enda Kenny, it was a natural step to take," commented a spokesman. "One of our mottoes is Αἰέν ἀριστεύειν (ever to excel) and we look for people who stand out from the crowd, no matter how repulsive they are."

Religioni et Bonis Artibus - but we don't take this too seriously.

Enda gets a knock.

Over now to Knock in Ireland, the site of the National Marian Shrine: and we have a most unusual pilgrim at the airport.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Enda. Enda who? Enda Life.

Eccles: We are indeed fortunate today to have a visit from that most pious of Catholics, Enda Life, the Teashop of Ireland. Especially at a village known for its shrine to the Blessed Virgin Mary, a woman who carried Jesus in her womb and spent 9 months complaining about it. Good morning, Enda. What are your thoughts on arriving at this sacred place?

Enda: Well, I was thinking that the way to solve Ireland's problems is to bring in liberal abortion laws. As a faithful Catholic, I know that this was something very dear to the heart of Mary.

Mary, a figure who has greatly influenced Enda Kenny.

Eccles: Have you discussed this with a priest? If you ask Cardinal Brady politely, he may just be prepared to grant you an interview. I gather that his views are somewhat different.

Enda: Look, am I or am I not allowed to decide for myself what Mary would have wanted? Isn't the Massacre of the Innocents a great Catholic feast?

Eccles: Well, not exactly. You may have got that slightly wrong.

Enda: The great thing about abortion is that it can be used to cure all sorts of unrelated illnesses. Got an infection? Have an abortion. Got a boil on your backside? Have an abortion. Got an ingrowing toenail? Have an abortion. Feeling depressed by the most recent episode of Downton Abbey? Have an abortion.

The Witch of Enda urges Saul to bring in abortion legislation.

Eccles: What if I'm not pregnant?

Enda: Oh just kill a random baby. It doesn't much matter whose. We call it "the protection of life."

The least-read Catholic blogs

It's that time of year when people give each other awards, such as Best Catholic blog involving donkeys, or perhaps Most influential political blog written by a failed politician, or indeed Religious blog written by the man with the best hair. So in the interests of fairness, it is time to recognise the little man (or woman) and name some of the least-read blogs.

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Fr Armand, a Trappist monk.

Father Armand has taken a ten-year vow of silence; nonetheless his hard-hitting but voiceless blogging is starting to make an impact. His comment "!!" on the Government's same-sex "marriage" proposals is widely regarded as the last word on the subject. Similarly, his carefully-reasoned opinion "????" on the sanity of Richard Dawkins has been widely quoted in psychiatric circles.

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Fr Hans Klunk, from the Foundation for Global Excess.

After being beaten at Scrabble by a young Josef Ratzinger in 1938, Fr Klunk has held a life-long hatred for our present Pope. Although ordained a priest, he is not allowed to talk about theology in his sermons, so he usually talks about subjects similar to those of his blog posts. Most recently: Ratzinger cheats at Scrabble, you know, What the Pope could learn from me about humility and How many divisions has the Pope caused?

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Beans on toast - as eaten by Father Xylophone.

Some of the best blogs spawn tribute blogs, and Fr Xylophone ("Fr X"), a devoted admirer of the great Fr Zuhlsdorf ("Fr Z"), has attempted to provide a blog that likewise will be read throughout the English-speaking world; however, he has failed lamentably. His most recent posts The day I spilled the beans on the floor, Quaeritur - will I go to Hell if my chasuble is the wrong color? and Can you give me some ideas for my next sermon? have won him an average weekly readership of 3.

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Margaret O'Tharg - interviewer extraordinaire.

Margaret O'Tharg (age 6) is the new voice in traditional Catholic journalism. A compulsive interviewer, she has decided to make her name by speaking to prominent Catholics, getting them to explain how their faith led them to support the Church's teaching on marriage, abortion, and sexual morals. She began with Tina Beattie, Enda Kenny, Fr Joe Ryan, and Patrick McLoughlin, but has not yet collected enough material for a blog post.

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A holey cheese.

Fr Cheddar, of the Diocese of Portsmouth, has long been convinced that many hymns could be improved by replacing all the nouns by names of cheeses. So far the seasonal efforts published on his blog include Silent Brie, Holy Brie and Hark! The Double Gloucesters sing. Many people have condemned him as a very silly man, but he is actually the one success among today's list of bloggers, since Paul Inwood's prestigious publishing company Magnificat Music has just agreed to publish some of his work under the title More cheesy hymns for today.