Ordinariate for pagans announced

Following the announcement that the Church of England is to welcome pagans - which most people thought to have happened many years ago - Pope Francis has announced the creation of a new Ordinariate, enabling pagans to convert to Catholicism while still preserving all that's best in Pagan Patrimony.

Ancient stones - these are considered holy by many pagans.

Originally, it was thought that Pope Francis was hostile to the Ordinariate - simply because there are not many disillusioned Anglicans in Argentina - but he has now seen the wisdom of Pope Benedict's ideas, and is prepared to take them further.

The first step will be to set up an Pagan Ordinariate church in London. This is already proving difficult, simply as there are no convenient stone circles at hand. It is thought that it will be necessary to import some, and install them in a convenient open space, perhaps just in front of Westminster Cathedral.

The Twelve Apostles (Ilkley Moor). Will they move to Westminster?

Some aspects of Pagan Worship may be hard to assimilate into the Catholic Mass. For example, it was thought at first that taking off all one's clothes and dancing in the light of the moon was too far from established Catholic tradition. However, having been shown examples of liturgical dancing at Liverpool Cathedral and elsewhere, the Pope no longer believes that this will be a problem.

Liturgical dancing (alternatively, the choir may perform a Gregorian chant).

Following the "Stonehenge II" council in the 1960s, human sacrifices are no longer part of mainstream pagan worship, but they are still be allowed for "traddy" pagans who request it from their local Archwizard. For such traditionalists to join the Ordinariate, suitable provision will be made in the Catholic liturgy. A papal encyclical De Humano Immolando is in preparation, which will clarify this issue. Many other Pagan traditions should be assimilated with little trouble.

A Catholic "cage" mass, where the priest pretends to be a budgerigar.

Reactions to the Pope's proposal have been mixed. Said the Tablet, "This is the sort of brilliant idea that we would never have seen when we were crushed by the iron jackboot of Pope Benedict. It takes the emphasis away from God, and focuses it on ourselves, so it must be good."

After all, this is very similar to some existing Catholic Masses.

On the other hand, pagan leaders are furious that the Catholic Church is attempting to "poach" its believers without any consultation. Said Arch-Pendragon Getafix (formerly Jim Tharg), "It's a disgrace. They're even asking Paul Inwood to publish a Pagan setting of the Mass, including animal noises and the sounds of witches screeching - apparently, this will only require minor modifications to his existing work."

Monsignor Snape prepares for Mass.

Finally, the "Magic Circle" of Catholic bishops in England and Wales is also showing enthusiasm for the idea of a Pagan Ordinariate. Archbishop Nichols has long had excellent relations with Rowan Williams, a druid who rose to a senior position in the Church of England, and he is therefore expected to be very responsive to the idea of Pagan Patrimony.

We'll now sing "All things bright and beautiful."

Vincent Nichols to be new Dr Who

We can reveal exclusively that the BBC has offered the role of the 12th Doctor Who to Vincent Nichols, 67, Archbishop of Westminster and part-time spiritual leader.

The new Doctor poses outside his Tardis.

It is thought that Pope Francis had a hand in Archbishop Nichols's appointment, which can be seen as a consolation prize for his failure to obtain a role in the long-running soap opera The Cardinals.

Some people had suggested that the Dr Who role might go to a woman - actresses such as Tina Beattie and Catherine Pepinster were suggested - but, in the end, the BBC producers decided to remain with tradition, feeling that they did not have the authority to ordain a woman as Dr Who; our Lord Sidney Newman had explicitly called a grumpy old man to be the first Doctor, and the appointment of Nichols is seen as a return to that tradition.

One of the first adventures will involve lesbian lizards in Farm Street, London.

Armed with his new-style sonic screwdriver, modelled on the pectoral cross, the new Doctor will of course be facing his traditional enemies, such as Daleks and Cybermen. However, it may be that some of his adventures will have a more religious emphasis: in particular, we may see the return of the Meddling Monk, who was active in the 1960s.

The Meddling Monk - an old adversary who tried to block Vatican II reforms.

Another foe sure to re-appear before long is the Weeping Angels. In his current role, Vincent Nichols is of course well used to weeping angels - after all, the cries of woe in Heaven whenever a new issue of the Tablet is produced can be heard even in Westminster.

The new Doctor confronts the weeping angels.

It is likely that a new version of the classic Dr Who theme tune will also be produced, and here it is virtually certain that we shall have Paul Inwood's brilliant new arrangement: Wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum ch-ch.

Today the new Doctor was delighted with his new role, especially because of the new opportunities it gives for having his photograph taken.

The new Doctor engages in mind-warfare with a sinister yogi.

A thoroughly modern Muslim

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson is one of the new breed of "liberal" Muslims, most of whom were greatly influenced by the "Mecca II" council of the 1960s.

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson.

When I came to interview him in his beautiful Kensington house, from which he operates London's biggest camel-hire business, he explained that, although culturally a Muslim, his religious beliefs had been much influenced by modern liberals such as Polly Toynbee, George Galloway, and Tina Beattie.

In fact, Islamic belief in Britain is currently in a state of flux, as the so-called "Magic Crescent" of liberal Ayatollahs is anxious to welcome all believers, regardless of colour, race, creed, sexual orientation or even religious conviction. George naturally finds his place in a liberal Mosque, where they even hold "gay" services.

The Mosque where Imam Nichols operates.

George's charming wife Aisha (age 9) was away at the Cat Stevens Primary School when I called round, but she had left a pile of sausage rolls for us to consume with our Château Hamza claret, in itself a sign that George no longer follows the Islamic customs as strictly as his ancestors (the Cholmondeley-Farquharsons of Libya) used to.

Food for a modern Muslim.

I asked him about his praying rituals. Did he make use of a prayer mat for regular worship ad orientem? George explained to me that, since Mecca II, it had become customary for prayers to be held in a west-facing position, so that one had one's back towards Allah. Moreover, the traditional prayer mat had been in urgent need of modernization.

Novus Ordo prayer mat.

George himself is very fond of participating in ecumenical services - for example he attends a Catholic church in Croydon where the deacon welcomes Muslim worshippers, explaining that "After all, we all believe the same thing really."

George has not been on the traditional haj, finding Mecca a little too expensive for a pilgrimage. However, he is shortly planning a two-week stay in Bradford, visiting the Alhambra Theatre, a well-known shrine. Here he plans to hear a Paul Inwood arrangement of sacred Islamic music, played by the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

The Alhambra, Bradford, soon to host sacred music from the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

Finally I asked George about his cultural traditions. "Well, I am a very ecumenical Muslim, so I feel slighly uneasy about smiting the infidel," he explained. "In our weekly Koran-study classes, we learn that we are promised 72 virgins in Paradise if we go berserk and slaughter a few Christians. But then - who wants 72 mothers-in-law? No, I decided to go for the lesser 'all the sherbet you can eat' option, and this only required me to cut the hands off the local vicar."

Father Cleese, of the Church Militant.

As I said my farewells to George, I reflected that Islam, the religion of peace, is adapting itself very well to modern secular culture. How can anyone find anything objectionable in George's lifestyle?

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!

An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!

An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!

Bad Hymns 21

Today's nomination for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is perhaps slightly obscure, but it was used recently at a Catholic Mass in central London, so we feel it deserves some fame. So let's welcome Gregory Norbet, who wrote Journeys ended, journeys begun. It is apparently also a favourite of the Benedictine Monks of Weston Priory, Vermont, where he spent 21 years as a monk.

If you find yourself buying this CD, seek help urgently.

Eccles: Gregory, it's good to have you with us, especially as your website says you are a respected spiritual leader, composer, singer and retreat director.

GN: I'm also part of the OCP family of composers and authors which, as we say on our website, includes many of the best-known, most beloved liturgical composers, contemporary songwriters, authors and event presenters in the Church today.

E: Ah yes, like the most beloved Paul Inwood, for example. Quite. Now this particular song of yours was nominated mostly for the chorus, so shall we have that in full?

Journeys ended, journeys begun:
to go where we have never been,
to be beyond our past,
moments of lifting up,
transcending death,
rising in transparent light
to the fullness of God's presence.
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia. 

To (boldy) go where we have never been.

GN: Yes, this song was a great favourite with the crew of the Starship Enterprise, you know.

E: You don't see it much in the films or television series, but I gather that the Enterprise has its own choir of Benedictine Monks.

GN: Yes, they sing spiritually nourishing hymns such as mine, occasionally popping out to zap the odd alien with a Zuhlsdorf^(TM) liturgical phaser.

Weston Priory welcomes Vulcans, Klingons and Romulans.

E: So, what else can we take from your hymn, Gregory? I was wondering about this "rising in transparent light" business.

GN: Oh, the idea is that, when our worldly time comes to an end, and the doctor says "He's dead, Jim!" we cry "Beam us up, God!" and off we go to Heaven.

E: Sounds great. Perhaps it really does work that way.

Beam us up, God!

GN: Still, that's just the chorus.

E: Well, the rest of the hymn seems to be just a copy-and-paste from the Gospels, so I don't think there's much to be added there. Gregory Norbet, thanks for joining us.

GN: So long, Eccles. Beam me up, Paul Inwood!

There is a strange ch-ch sound and Gregory Norbet disappears in a column of transparent light.

Moments of lifting up...

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.

Religious gossip of the week

Luckily very few people read this blog, and so we are able to post items of gossip here, safe in the knowledge that we are not offending those church leaders who want their activities kept quiet.

Archbishop rescues sweet kitten from fast lane of M23.

Said the archbishop - who gave his name only as "Vin" - "I was driving back to London from the seaside, with the intention of dropping in a present from Brighton's 'gay community' to the the Immaculate Conception church in Farm Street. Well, I was nearing the end of the M23, when all at once I spotted a poor helpless kitten stranded in the fast lane of the motorway. Of course I stopped at once, ran back, and scooped the kitten from under the wheels of an approaching minibus, driven in the direction of Croydon by a wild-looking deacon. Please don't publicise this gossip, as it will compromise my reputation as a tough Liverpudlian, the hard man of the Catholic Bishops Conference, when really I'm just a big softie."

BBC announces new Prom season.

The BBC has come under criticism for the programme of its new season of Promenade concerts, announced this week. With the Last Night being generally regarded as a religious ceremony, some people have questioned the wisdom of employing a lady, Marin Alsop, to conduct the proceedings on that occasion. However, it is thought that she has been complaining that "Every time they invite me to the Albert Hall they give me a mop and ask me to clean the place."

Far more serious are the accusations of dumbing down - there will be a special evening devoted to the "music" of Paul Inwood, including such favourites as Finger-Snap Alleluia, Go and tell the world and of course Alleluia Ch-ch. Said one distinguished music critic, Damian Thompson of the Daily Custard, "I can understand Dr Who Proms, and even Proms devoted to rap music. But this is a step too far."

Bishop arrested for throwing a snowball.

Meanwhile, President François Hollande's dash for "Mariage homosexuel" in France has taken a more sinister turn, with the arrest of all potential opponents under trumped-up charges. The photo above shows a small demonstration in the Alpes-Maritimes involving the Bishop of Nice, shortly before he was hauled away and guillotined for "délit d'injure homophobe."

Don't mention Kermit Frognell!

Finally, the BBC and practically all newspapers have issued directives to their staff, saying "Don't mention Frognell!" This is a reference to Dr Kermit Frognell, the American abortionist, who is accused of several counts of murder. As one journalist pointed out: "If we start criticising Frognell, we shall have to criticise Obama, whose own views on abortion are very similar. And then we might have to start criticising Harold Shipman, Joseph Mengele, William Palmer, and various other mass-murdering doctors. No, let's just think beautiful thoughts instead. Have you seen this church that looks like a chicken?"

Uncontroversial photo of chicken-church.

Bad hymns 19

Today the judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are looking at another unusual hymn. This one is apparently recommended for use on the occasion of the death of a public figure - at least, by nine out of ten munchkins, the BBC, and also George "Respect" Galloway. It is Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead, and we are honoured to have the author, Edgar Yipsel Harburg, with us to discuss it.

I turned George Galloway into a toad and no-one noticed.

EYH: Just call me "Yip," Eccles.

E: Yup. Now, explain this hymn to me, as it's not one I've come across - although my friend Fr Arthur, a liberal priest in good standing, uses it at funerals occasionally if he feels that the deceased did not meet his high standards. Is it a bit like Ding-Dong, merrily on high?

EYH: Well, not really. In fact it originated in The Wizard of Oz, although like My Way it is sometimes chosen for funerals. At least, if the deceased was controversial in some circles.

E: Ding-Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding-Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

EYH: Music by Paul Inwood. Only joking... it was Harold Arlen.

E: It's too spiritual for Paul Inwood, Yip, take it from me. Now, I think I get your meaning here: we are all miserable sinners, but it is only proper to ring the passing-bell as we depart this world?

He went and told the sexton, and the sexton tolled the bell - Thomas Hood.

EYH: I hadn't thought of it that way, Eccles. You may prefer another hymn I wrote, about the promise of Heaven: Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow...

E: Not sure where the rainbows fit into contemporary theology, but I expect that some people do sing that one at funerals. They probably also sing We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

EYP: We're off to see the Wizard was sung at the funeral of Lloyd George, the so-called "Welsh Wizard." My father knew him.

The Welsh Wizard.

E: Well thanks, Yip, I'm still mystified about the context for this hymn: did George Galloway sing "Ding-Dong" at his mother's funeral? Will any other politicians get a state "Ding-Dong"?

EYH: Look, Eccles, can we forget this silly song?

E: How can we? Kevin Mayhew Limited want to put it in their new edition of Catholic hymns for the dangerously insane. Still, thanks for coming along, Yip. Your way home is easy - just follow the yellow brick road.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.

Eccles in New York

I is makin a visit to New York, which is where my bruvver Bosco been hidin recently - de UK aint reely welcomin to poeple wiv his unique tallents. Since my camerra got broken I has had to steel some phottos off de Internet.

I saw dis in de Musuem of Modern Art. It's a man listenin to Paul Inwood's music.

I will try and concentrate on de more spiritaully nuorishin sights dat Bosco and me has seen. New York is of course de place where Cradinal Dollan hangs out, and here is a photto of dis well-nuorished man.

"Joe Biden says he's a pious Cathlic."

Actaully de St Patrick Cathedral is all covered in scaffoldin right now, as de masonry became unsafe when Cradinal Dollan conducted a funeral there and started laughin thunderuosly. But here is a pitcher of what it looks like normally.

St Patrick's Cathedral before de Cradinal luaghed.

I went to de Holy Innocents church, West 37th Street. Bosco aint very good at countin, so we took a hymn book wiv us to help us work out where 37 is rellative to de uvver nubmers. Anyway, at dis church dey had a Tridentin Mass. Lattin Masses is very useful in a city where de local vernacooler aint easy to understand. Dere was a parallel translatoin into New Yorkan, which was all about de Lord bein a cool dud wot kicks ass: dat must be de time when He rode into Jerussalem on Plam Sunday.

For de non-Cathlics dere is plenty of uvver churches. My bruvver Bosco's spiritaul needs is very simple so we went to Times Square and participated in a Calumny Chappel service.

Eccles and Bosco sings "We is saved pussons" in Times Square.

De one disappiontment so far is de Statue of Libberty, which aint as impressive as poeple finks. It's de same probblem wiv de little mermaid in Copenhaggen, dey needs to get a big mermaid.

Statue of Libberty. Dis iddle punched Bosco when he kissed it.

Well, dat's enuogh suovenirs of New York. Wot shall I blogg on next? De world aint been doin much dat's very eddifyin, just now, has it?

Annuvver luvvly paintin from de Musuem. Is dey saved pussons?

I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic

With apologies, once again, to Gilbert and Sullivan.

All join in the singing, please.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic,
I teach that faith before the 1960s was dia-bo-lic.
The services in Latin we rewrote in the vernacular,
With errors in translation that were really quite spectacular.
We threw out all that chanting in the style known as Gregorian -
It's really just of interest to a dusty old historian!
No ancient hymns we now allow - of classics we won't have any -
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Chorus: 
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Paul Inwood discovers that Bishop Egan won't need him when he's 64.

We tore down all the altars and we put in common kitchen stuff. 
We threw out all the rit-u-als - but did we really ditch enough?
In short we now have services where worshippers at Mass fro-lic, 
According to the model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic.

A liberal Catholic visits a liberal shrine.

I like to read the Tablet, which is edited by Pepinster:
Adored by many bishops, such as Vincent N. of Westminster.
We've Curti, Duffy, Beattie, Stourton, Patten, and Ma Kennedy,
(The last one is a Baroness - for that there is no remedy).
We're very keen on selling all that's best in modern heresy -
The doctrines we support will often shock the modern clerisy.
One thing we cannot stand is any hint of Va-ti-can edict,
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

Chorus:
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

No space to mention Clifford Longley - sorry, Cliff!

With Francis now in Peter's chair, we'll give support conditional:
We hope he'll change the Church's views, but fear he is traditional.
What Christ and the apostles taught is simply not worth stating now:
We'll soon teach you some newer things, it all requires updating now!

"I'll tell you what to say when I've read the Tablet."

In fact, if you can twist Church teaching like a good contortionist,
And say there's nothing wrong when women visit an abortionist,
If you're prepared for family life and marriage to be redefined,
And marry someone of the same sex/ neither/ both/ or undefined -
Indeed, if you have views on Good and Evil of the haziest,
Which could have been made up just now by any half-wit atheist,
In fact if you reject tradition holy and apos-to-lic,
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

Chorus:
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

She'd make a mighty fine bishop, wouldn't she?

Rewriting scripture makes me feel just like a revolutionist,
But some say I am secular, and just a simple humanist,
Yet still, although my traddy critics say my views are sham-bo-lic,
I'm just the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic!

Evil? No, simply a modernist!