Henry VIII explains his breach with Rome

New historical evidence has emerged, explaining the reasons behind King Henry VIII's breach with Rome in the 1530s, which led ultimately to the Anglican church we know today.

Henry VIII - wanted to liberalize the Church.

"We have our own vision for the Anglican church," says King Henry in a previously unpublished document. "A church where women may become vicars, and dance in the aisle at weddings. A church where people like Archbishop Cranmer will be welcomed into our rooms in the morning to tell us that we are bigots if we let not a man wed another man."

Archbishop Cranmer (in papal camauro) shares a joke with Toynbee, the court jester.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Pope Paul III is also anxious to shock traditionalists. He is said to be planning a Council of Trent, which will turn orthodox Catholicism on its head. "We need to decide whether God is calling us to introduce liturgical dancing, puppet masses and homilies about 'my holiday in Paris'. I get regular letters in green ink from a very keen young man called Monsignor Basil Brushtus; he is urging us to drop Latin, and he has some most original ideas on how the Mass should be celebrated. But I've suggested that we come back to that in a few years time."

Monsignor Basil Brushtus - too revolutionary even for Pope Paul III.

"That is encouraging, but it does not go far enough," responds King Henry. "As King I am also ex officio Director of Liturgy round here, and I want to ensure that my song Greensleevesis used regularly at Mass. It is easily adapted to religious use:

Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green are the sleeves of the Lord!

A one, a two, a one two three four... Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!

It is clear that these documents will force us to revise our views on the Reformation, and they will keep David Starkey in business for many years to come. Unfortunately.

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!

An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!

An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!

Darkins denies the existence of light

Professor Richard Darkins has launched another scathing attack on those "gullible" folk who believe in the existence of light.

Richard Darkins - refuses to walk in the light.

Darkins is well-known for his books written in Braille, such as The watchmaker with no disability and The Light Delusion. These books insist that light does not exist, because if it did he would be able to see it. Darkins is prepared to remain open-minded on the existence of the sun. "Sometimes it gets quite hot, I can feel that," he said, "but no rational person believes that there is such a thing as 'light.'"

A "vile and bigoted" sun-worshipper.

The good professor set up the Richard Darkins Foundation for Reason and Science, in order to propagate his ideas that light does not exist. One sect that he has particularly attacked is the Lunatics - fanatical believers in the light of the moon, who use the crescent as their symbol. Two days ago, the RDFRS website was hacked by lunatics, and the general view was that it was a great improvement.

Mrs Darkins with Richard's guide-dog, K9.

Darkins's views are not universally accepted, and many people ridicule his aphosist stance. A few years ago he was slightly injured when trying to drive a bus round London, bearing the message "Light probably does not exist": after going strongly for half a mile, he then crashed into a lamp-post.

We spoke to Francisco Bergoglio, a retired chemist who now holds an administrative position in Rome. "Darkins means well," he said, "but he doesn't have a sound academic background in logic and reasoning, and he does tend to get confused. He sends me hate messages, because some of my staff like singing songs such as Newman's 'Lead, kindly, Light.' He tells me that a belief in light is responsible for everything that's wrong in the world."

A totally pointless "light" house.

New Hymns 3

Well, Advent is with us, the commercial impersonators of St Nicholas are in the shops, and the streets have been ringing with Christmas carols for about three months now. So we felt it appropriate to invite Charles Wesley here, to participate in an Eccles master-class on how Hark! The Herald Angels Sing could be adapted for modern worship.

Charles Wesley: willing to learn from modern hymn-writers.

Eccles: Charles, nice to see you here, today. I was at the Tablet Christmas party last week, and the guests joined in with a version of your hymn that began:

Hark! The Tina Beattie sings:
"Blame the Pope for everything!"

CW: Thanks for inviting me here, Eccles. In fact, my original version began:

Hark! How all the welkin rings:
Glory to the King of Kings,

so I'm quite used to people altering the words.

E: Alas, welkins have been done to death in that famous song Whelk, whelk, whelk in the light, by Damian Lundy.

A whelk in the light.

CW: So, in our improved version, shall we stick with Mendelssohn's tune? After all, it's the one used throughout the whole world.

E: Except in Portsmouth, apparently, where some local chap has got the hymn banned in favour of his own repertoire. Sing me a few lines, so that we can see what it's all about.

CW: Hark! The herald angels sing:
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled."

A herald angel, off duty.

E: Stop, stop, stop! I can see what you're doing wrong. You've got at least one new idea in each line, and none of them repeated. Why, Graham Kendrick would have started off with Hark, angels, hark and spun out the first line to a whole verse.

CW: It's good of you tell me this, Eccles. We can all learn from modern masters.

E: Let's give the Hark! motif more prominence. How about:

Hark, hark, hark! The angels sing.
Hark, hark, hark! The newborn King!
Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.
Hark, hark, hark! We're reconciled.

Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.

CW: I see, what you're doing there. Cutting out most of the theology and making sure the song is really about us, not God.

E: There's still something wrong, though. "Reconciled" won't do. It's a long word, and might distress the congregation.

CW: How about Hark, hark, hark! We won't go wild for the fourth line?

E: Yes, that's much better. The only way the song could be improved now would be by changing "Hark" to "Ho". Nobody says "Hark" these days, especially not post-Vatican II angels.

CW: So we arrive at the final version, which is much more Christmassy!

Ho, ho, ho! The angels sing.
Ho, ho, ho! The newborn King!
Ho, ho, ho! We're meek and mild.
Ho, ho, ho! We won't go wild.

E: Perfect! Well, you can finish it off, Chazza.

"Ho, ho, ho!" The true message of Christmas.

---

Earlier masterclasses: John Henry Newman    King David.

Some New Hymns

As a change from "Bad hymns," where we say cruel things to modern hymn-writers, we are now going to invite in some older hymn-writers, to tell them where they went wrong. Today we welcome John Henry Newman, author of hymns such as Lead, kindly Light, and Praise to the Holiest in the height, which are hardly ever sung in church these days. Now, why is that?

Cardinal Newman - where did he go wrong?

E: Welcome, John, and congratulations on your Beatification - I was really rooting for you. Now, your first hymn starts:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

Not very snappy, is it? I suppose you never used to play the guitar, did you? Or shake the tambourine?

JHN: That's true, Eccles, I did try to introduce these to the Birmingham Oratory, but the traddies wouldn't have it. So how can I bring my hymn up to date?

E: Well, taking the tune of Walk in the Light, how about rewriting it as:

Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead on, as I'm far from home!

Watson, the night is dark and we are far from home.

JHN: Yes, I think that would work. So Verse 2 could be:

Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
One step's the right thing for me!

E: You're learning quickly, John. This is the sort of hymn that Catholic congregations are singing these days. None of your flowery language!

JHN: Can we do something about Praise to the Holiest in the height, Eccles? It comes from my poem The Dream of Gerontius.

Gerontius, catching up on some sleep.

E: Gerontius? I suppose it's too late to give him a more with-it name? The Dream of Dave, maybe? Well, let's see how it starts:

Praise to the Holiest in the height,
And in the depth be praise;
In all His words most wonderful,
Most sure in all His ways.

E: I think the problem here, John, is that there are at least four different ideas in that verse. And later on you get very involved in sin and redemption, and all that sort of Jesus-stuff, whereas modern congregations should be singing about how happy they are.

JHN: Yes, I think I'm getting the hang of this now. Could I use the tune of "Follow me, follow me?"

When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue,
Oh we like to praise our holy holy Friend,
For He sorted us out, yes He did, for me and you,
So we're saved, yes we're saved, and that's the end. 

Chorus: Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, 
praise the holy holy Lord... (ad libitum)

When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue...

E: Very good, John. You got through the main points of your hymn much more quickly that time, didn't you?

JHN: Thanks for your wise advice, Eccles. Now I see how real hymn-writers work.

Bad Hymns 5

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is Kum Ba Yah, or, as it is known in Yorkshire, Ee Ba Gum. This is a negro spiritual, which somehow escaped from the Dawkins slave plantations and ended up as a hymn in happy-clappy churches. We had some trouble tracking down the authors, since they quite understandably wanted to remain Anonymous, but in the end we succeeded.

---

The authors of Kum ba yah

E: Welcome, Anonymous. Now, what exactly does "Kum ba yah" mean?

A: It means "Come by here," Eccles, and is a reference to Revelation 22:20, "Come, Lord Jesus."

E: I see, yes, it does sound a bit like "Come by here," spoken by a Yorkshireman with a mouthful of chip butties. Why not just write "Come by here?"

A: We wanted to make it more ethnic, you know. That way it doesn't sound so ridiculous when accompanied by guitars and drums.

E: I see we get exactly 30 repetitions of "Kum ba yah". What is it about the number 30? In the previous hymn we discussed, "Walk in the Light" is also repeated exactly 30 times.

A: Is it? Perhaps we'd better add another verse or two and claim the record?

E: Now, apart from "Kum ba yah," the words are very simple. We get "Someone’s laughing," "Someone’s crying," "Someone’s praying," and "Someone’s singing,"

A: Give us a day or two, and we could come up with some extra verses, then. "Someone's sneezing," "Someone's giggling," and "Someone's snoring?"

Someone's yawning, Lord, Kum ba yah.

E: Yes, that wouldn't make the hymn any worse. Who is this "Someone," anyway?

A: Do you know, we never really discovered that! When we were writing the hymn we were distracted by some noises from next door. Our secretary, not being very bright, thought that our complaints, "Someone's laughing," and so on, were part of the hymn we were dictating to her.

E: Well, thank you very much, Anonymous. I am sure that "Someone's laughing" indeed!

Someone's laughing, Lord, Kum ba yah.

Bad Hymns 4

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is "Walk in the Light," which is apparently © Kevin Mayhew Limited, the artist formerly known as Damian Lundy. We invited Mr Limited to come along and discuss his hymn.

Walking in the light

E: Thanks for coming along, Mr Limited. Did you have a good walk here this evening? Streets not too dark?

KML: No, the streets were very well lit, thank you, Eccles. Just the way I like them.

E: Splendid. Now this hymn of yours: would I be right in thinking that its central message is "Walk in the Light?"

KML: Got it in one! There's no pulling the wool over your eyes, is there?

E: Well, the fact that the phrase occurs 30 times in the song, six times in each verse, gave me a clue. I hope that your message is not too subtle for other worshippers, however.

KML: It's a risk we have to take, Eccles.

E: If one removes all the "Walk in the Light" bits, what is left?

KML: Nothing controversial, I hope, Eccles.

E: Well, no, it is on the whole excessively banal. "To save the lost like you and me," for example. Are we supposed to point at particular people when we say "like you," or is it a general description?

KML: Well, I always gesture at the priest at that point to show him I know where the bodies are buried.

Pointing at a lost soul

E: Now, the clunkiest line of the song must surely be "He gave his Spirit to be our friend." Not only does it not scan, unless you say Sp'rit like an American cowboy, but it is theologically incorrect.

KML: Well, I needed a word that rhymed with "end," and somehow "He gave his spirit for the operations of grace and the sanctification of souls, and in particular spiritual gifts and fruits" seemed a bit too complicated an idea.

E: You have an answer to everything, Mr Limited. Mind how you go now, and only walk when the light is green.

Walking in the light

Bad hymns 1

Today we have an interview with the late Sidney Carter, the hymn-writer.

E: So, Mr Carter, your hymn, "Lord of the Dance" has been nominated for the prestigious Eccles Bad Hymn Award, and you're now a finalist, along with the great Graham Kendrick, Damian Lundy and others. How do you feel about this?

SC: Well, Eccles, I am honoured that my little doggerel should be compared with such immortal verses as "Shine, Jesus, shine" and "Walk in the light."

E: Can we explore some of the problematic areas of this hymn, now? For example, where exactly did Jesus say "I am the Lord of the Dance"? The only named dancer I could locate in the gospels was Salome.

The lady of the dance.

SC: Ah, well, I may have turned over 2 pages of the Bible by mistake. Let's regard "Dance" as a metaphor.

E: A metaphor for what, exactly?

SC: Er... well, everything Jesus did, I suppose.

E: I see, I see. Shakes his head in disbelief. Now "I danced for the fishermen, James and John." Why did you mention them, rather than Peter and Andrew, for example?

SC: In my first draft I had "I danced for Andy and I danced for Pete, They thought my dancing very very sweet" but it doesn't quite scan, and anyway, makes it sound more like a story about Dalziel and Pascoe.

E: Now, "Dance, dance, wherever you may be." What exactly are you suggesting that people do? Dance in church like a bunch of demented St Vitus sufferers?

SC: Look, you're not meant to think about the words, just sing them. And wave your arms around.

E: Quite so. I come now to "I danced on a Friday when the world turned black, It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back." No doubt this is a reference to Good Friday, but what makes you think that Our Lord had the Devil on His back? Were you thinking of Sinbad the sailor here?

It's hard to dance with anyone on your back.

SC: I was simply stuck for a rhyme, I'm afraid. Back, Claque, Hack, Sack, Whack... what is one to do?

E: "They buried my body" isn't very good, either, is it? Wasn't Jesus placed in a tomb? Still, that's a small point, when the rest is such a  load of tosh.

SC: You must admit that it's a very popular hymn. In some circles it has totally supplanted more old-fashioned forms of worship, where the words are obliged to make sense.

E: Indeed, your drivel now appears in various Catholic and Protestant hymnals. How much did you pay them to give you a "nihil obstat," anyway? Sorry, that was below the belt. Takes a deep breath. Well, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Mr Carter. Shall we dance?

Eccles and Sidney join the dance.

We meets a funny preist

Well here we is at de seeside again (Seel Beech) and here is a pitcher of Bosco directin an outdoors prayer meetin. Note dat we doesnt stand or kneel when we prays, we just walks on de hands in de name of de Lord, singin one of our hynms.



Walk - on de hands,
Walk - on de hands,
Walk - on de hands,
Walk on de hands for de Lord.

We has met many interestin poeple and told dem dat dey wasnt saved like us. However, we may have met our match wiv Farver Arfur of de Church of de Eleven Anonnymouse Cathlics. Dis man was anxiuos to persaude us dat he was a preist, but you wuold never guess, would you?



Anti Moly screemed "Sockpoppet! ROFL!" at him, but she does dat at everyone, even de dentist when he is providin her wiv new flase teef cos de old ones was worn out wiv bitin poeple. So dat dont signiffy nuffink.

Farver Arfur insissted dat he was a preist, and produced a pile of tetsimonials from a lotta well-known people of integgrity like Baron Munchhaussen, Richard Noxin, Jeffrey Arrcher, Mohamed El Fayyed, Tonny Blair and Joanne Hairy. Dese said dat Farver Arfur was a preist in good standin. Well, in fact de accounts varried, some said he was a profit, some said he was a cradinal, and de luvvly Joanne said he was de Pop. So we gotta beleive it. Mind you, Arfur also told us he was a brane surgoen, a nuclaer pyhsicist and an Olymmpic pole-vualter in good standin, he is a man of manny talents.

Well, we aint Cathlic, we is saved poeple, and so we tries not to have much to do with Farver Arfur. When he telephons in de nihgt to say "Hello, I is a preist. Wuold you like to buy de Eiffell Tower?" we just puts de phon down.

All dis is a distractoin from de Lord's work, which is condenming gravven immages, iddles, and costume holly men. We fuond dis gravven image of a costume holly man in Farver Arfur's church, he says it is a saint in good standin, but I aint so sure.

A plank in de eye

Dis is one of Bosco's favourite Calumny Chappel hynms, dat my freinds Bernardet and Dammon remindded me of on de Damain Thopmson blogg.

The Spirit said dat we was bad,
Plank, plank, in de eye!
Our sins was drivin us all mad,
Plank, plank, in de eye!

Chorrus:
Plank in de eye,
Plank in de eye,
Plank in de eye,
You gotta plank in de eye.

Den Jessus took dat plank away,
Plank, plank in de eye!
So girls and boys go out to play,
Plank, plank in de eye!

[Chorrus]

De Spirrit is a lot of fun,
Plank, plank in de eye!
And now dat plank is been and gone,
Plank, plank in de eye!

[Chorrus]

No matter how we all behaved,
Plank, plank in de eye!
Lord Jessus came and we is saved,
Plank, plank in de eye!

[Chorrus]

Dis is de plank wot dey took out of Bosco's eye. I hopes dat he aint gonna grow annuver one.