Shaking up the Latin Mass

The Credo, with a few embellishments suggested by this new guide to worship.

Fr Brian Peter George St John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno in prayer

Fr Brian: Well, we're now at the stage in our exciting new ecumenical Latin Mass where we say the Creed, which is a list of things that some of us may believe in. Don't feel left out if you don't - even I wouldn't go along with all of it! Now before we get started, would anyone like to do a liturgical dance? Yes, Salome, dear? Well, all right, but only take off six veils this week, please.

A bit of light relief before the Creed

Congregation: Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula.

Fr B: Phew! Time for a break, eh, folks? By the way, if anyone thinks that they are particularly loved by God, they shouldn't hesitate to wave their hands in the air while reciting the creed, just so that we can see who they are!

"Jim, what's wrong with the couple next to us? They're not lifting their hands."

C: Deum de Deo, lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem decendit de caelis.

Fr B: Well, I think we've earned another break there. Sit down for a bit and tell your neighbours how Jesus came into your lives. This service is about YOU, remember, not just about God.

(Here the congregation may tell their neighbours about what happened at the grapefruit counter in Sainsbury's, or it may be the local garden centre, between the weedkiller and the fertilizer.)

Do you think that statue would look nice in our church?

C: Et incarnatus est de Spiritu sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris.

Fr B: Now for a random happening. I've taken one of my oblique strategy cards from the pack, and it says "See how many Biblical characters you can think of whose names begin with S." Any offers? Yes... Saul, Samuel, Solomon, Sampson, Simon, Stephen, yes. Gets harder now, doesn't it? Seth, Salome, Sarah, Simeon, Shadrach, Silas, ... No, Nigel, I don't think Scottie, Sherlock and Spock were in the Bible. Look, it was St Peter who did the Vulcan Death Grip, Nigel, he did it on Ananias. On with the Creed, now, folks!

Probably not in the Bible.

C: Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cujus regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas.

Fr B: Phew! That was a toughie. Shall we get the musicians to play us something spiritual on their guitars and recorders? How about the theme tune from Neighbours? As St Kylie de Minogue says in her memoirs: "Everybody needs good neighbours."

C: Et unam, sanctam, catholicam, et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et expecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.

Fr B: Well done, everyone! Kids up to the front now, you know what's coming soon...

The priest is not strictly necessary at this stage in the service

Bad hymns 1

Today we have an interview with the late Sidney Carter, the hymn-writer.

E: So, Mr Carter, your hymn, "Lord of the Dance" has been nominated for the prestigious Eccles Bad Hymn Award, and you're now a finalist, along with the great Graham Kendrick, Damian Lundy and others. How do you feel about this?

SC: Well, Eccles, I am honoured that my little doggerel should be compared with such immortal verses as "Shine, Jesus, shine" and "Walk in the light."

E: Can we explore some of the problematic areas of this hymn, now? For example, where exactly did Jesus say "I am the Lord of the Dance"? The only named dancer I could locate in the gospels was Salome.

The lady of the dance.

SC: Ah, well, I may have turned over 2 pages of the Bible by mistake. Let's regard "Dance" as a metaphor.

E: A metaphor for what, exactly?

SC: Er... well, everything Jesus did, I suppose.

E: I see, I see. Shakes his head in disbelief. Now "I danced for the fishermen, James and John." Why did you mention them, rather than Peter and Andrew, for example?

SC: In my first draft I had "I danced for Andy and I danced for Pete, They thought my dancing very very sweet" but it doesn't quite scan, and anyway, makes it sound more like a story about Dalziel and Pascoe.

E: Now, "Dance, dance, wherever you may be." What exactly are you suggesting that people do? Dance in church like a bunch of demented St Vitus sufferers?

SC: Look, you're not meant to think about the words, just sing them. And wave your arms around.

E: Quite so. I come now to "I danced on a Friday when the world turned black, It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back." No doubt this is a reference to Good Friday, but what makes you think that Our Lord had the Devil on His back? Were you thinking of Sinbad the sailor here?

It's hard to dance with anyone on your back.

SC: I was simply stuck for a rhyme, I'm afraid. Back, Claque, Hack, Sack, Whack... what is one to do?

E: "They buried my body" isn't very good, either, is it? Wasn't Jesus placed in a tomb? Still, that's a small point, when the rest is such a  load of tosh.

SC: You must admit that it's a very popular hymn. In some circles it has totally supplanted more old-fashioned forms of worship, where the words are obliged to make sense.

E: Indeed, your drivel now appears in various Catholic and Protestant hymnals. How much did you pay them to give you a "nihil obstat," anyway? Sorry, that was below the belt. Takes a deep breath. Well, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Mr Carter. Shall we dance?

Eccles and Sidney join the dance.