Sede Vacante

Conspiracy theorists are still arguing over the significance of the "vacant seat", marking the absence of Pope Francis from a concert last week. We asked some of our local bloggers if they could explain this.

Sede vacante.

Eccles: Apparently, the little girl sitting behind him had asked him to move, as his mitre was blocking her view. This happens to me in the cinema a lot: I'm sitting down to watch an exciting James Bond film and a bishop comes in and sits in front of me. Still, in some dioceses you're lucky if they even wear a dog-collar.

Ven. Fulton Sheen - hearts sank whenever he came into a theatre.

Father X, expert on cannon law: I'm told that Pope Francis took the evening off in order to practise his shooting. It's not widely known but he always packs a pistol whenever he celebrates Mass, just in case a Tabletjournalist should walk in. And a good thing too.

Good shooting, Holy Father!

Father TF, hermeneutical expert: No, in fact Pope Francis spent the evening attaching corks to his papal mitre, in readiness for a forthcoming trip to Australia. He was envious of the corking biretta that my parishioners have made for me.

The Pope prepares to meet Cardinal Pell.

Catherine Pepinster, Tabletista: Pope Benedict XVI would have attended this concert, which featured music by the misogynist dead composer Beethoven - a shabby attempt to revive the sort of music which is totally against the Spirit of Vatican II. Pope Francis, when he discovered that there would be no music by living female composers - such as, er, Sandie Shaw, Lulu, Dusty Springfield and Cilla Black, who appeal to the younger generation - rightly boycotted the concert and spent the evening reading the last 50 issues of the Tablet, which we'd sent him.

Cilla Black, as modern and relevant as the Tablet.

Damian Thompson, custard expert: Sorry, I'm too cut up about the death of James Gandolfini, surely the most important overweight actor since Orson Welles. I must go and write three more blog posts on the subject. Surely his beatification cannot be far away?

A scene from The Sopranos.

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!

An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!

An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!

Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.

Let us spray

Following Pope Francis's description of some people's religious beliefs in terms of a "God-spray," and Fr Finigan's offer to market such a product, we can now reveal more about this miraculous aid to sanctity.

Amazingly, I found this on www.richarddawkins.net.

We interviewed a few famous Catholics, and asked their opinions of the God Spray.

"I've told all the bloggers that they're damned, Holy Father."

Vincent Nichols: "It's using my God Spray that keeps me so cheerful. No need to worry about what's going on in the Archdiocese of Westminster - a blast of God Spray puts everything right. But don't you dare blog about it."

Hans Küng is marketing his own fragrance.

Hans Küng: "No, don't use God Spray. Use MY fragrance instead. I need more people to believe in ME. After all, I'm a learned professor who has written 9027 books about Catholicism!"

The God Spray is available in Tablet form, as well.

Catherine Pepinster: "Just take one of our bitter pills, and you will be suffused by a warm feeling of sanctimonyty. In fact, there's no need even to take them, just buy our Tablets and throw them away as soon as you get home. That's what everyone else does."

But even atheists have found that a spray-on faith can be useful.

Whenever I'm debating with a stuffed rabbit, I spray on "Atheist Mist" perfume first.

The Boat of Fools visits Blogfen

You stupid cat, you left the iPad at home.

This week our "Mystery Worshipper" attended the church of Blogfen, in which every parishioner is a distinguished blogger.

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What was the name of the service?Mass v. 1962.

Did anyone welcome you personally?Yes, when I arrived, they said: "We haven't seen you here before. What blog do you write? What's it about? I explained that I wrote the spiritually nourishing Eccles blog, and they let me enter.

Who conducted the service?Fr Tim Finigan, one of the famous "Finigan and Finnegan" team of priestly bloggers.

Fr Finigan discusses a question of hermeneutics with Fr Finnegan.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?People were piously consulting their iPads. Looking at my neighbour, I could see that she was drafting a post for her blog eccentric.visitors.blogfen.com, although she hid the screen when I tried to read it.

What books did the congregation use during the service?No books! They all had iPads, smartphones, or laptops. One more traditionalist worshipper insisted on using an older computer.

A traditionalist worshipper, refusing to use a post-Vatican II computer.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?Fr F. explained the Hermeneutic of Rupture, which meant that, although worship was best conducted in line with traditional methods, it was necessary to reject some old-fashioned technology (here he glared at the blogger pictured above, who was now feeding a paper tape into his IBM mainframe).

The women all wore traditional mantillas at Mass.

Did anything distract you? Yes, there were some children present. They were mostly blogging away piously throughout the service, but occasionally they hit each other with their iPads.

A young blogger learns about bytes.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?In fact, full details were being written up for coffee.blogfen.comeven as I drank it. We were served Musket Monk coffee, which had been sent as a present from a blogging priest in the USA whose name I didn't catch.

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Coming soon - we visit a totally different kind of service.

Eamon Duffy and the Sovietization of Catholicism

Prof. Eamon Duffy with his biography of Tina Beattie.

The Catholic church was in a state of shock this week, after the distinguished theologian Eamon Duffy waded into the "Justice for Tina" affair with all guns blazing. Duffy expressed his concerns in the wake of a telegram that Tina Beattie had received from San Diego, which said simply, "No Catholic freebies for you, you heretic!"

San Diego - but Tina's not going for a dip!

Duffy - never one to exaggerate - complained of the increased "Sovietization of Catholic intellectual life." We found a startling history of incidents in which Catholic dissidents had been treated as un-persons.

A photo of Boyzone. Keith Duffy is there, but Eamon has been airbrushed out!

Duffy himself is a tragic victim of the Stalinist policies of the Vatican, having been written out of all the major events of Catholic history, in which he played such an important part. "In particular, Pope Benedict omitted me from his Radio Programme Ten Theologians who shook the world, claiming that Martin Luther was more influential than I am," he complained.

The Last Supper - but why has Eamon Duffy been painted out?

Tina Beattie herself has maintained a dignified silence over the affair, limiting herself to a posting on her blog in which she says:

We hate Benedict Sixteen,
We hate Declan Lang too,
We hate San Diego,
But Eamon, we love you!

(For another 47 verses of this song, complete with a two-hundred paragraph article entitled "Why I am keeping a dignified silence," see justice-for-tina.blogspot.com.)

Tina Beattie has accused the Catholic blogosphere of mocking her. This seems unlikely, but she may have been referring to Fr Herman Nootic's "If your career's going down the drain, call a Catholic plumber," and Father Xylophone's "San Diego - a great place for coffee with Catholic theologians in good standing." She also refers to a "scurrilous lying blog by a person who claims to be saved, but who posts photographs with totally inappropriate captions." So far we have not managed to decide which blog she means.

An unidentified professor of Catholic theology attacks the Pope at Midnight Mass.

Catholic must-reads

"NO POPERY" - the Tablet's motto. But what was it originally?

Fr Tim Finigan explores the history of the Tablet, once a Catholic newspaper of repute but now a home for those rejecting orthodox Catholicism. He explains that originally it was produced on stone tablets - hence the name - as a journal of record. Its motto was "NO PAPYRI." However, when it became a serious competitor in the Andrex market, its customers complained of severe discomfort, and so it was printed on paper instead. Curiously, many people still find that the Tablet is a pain in the backside.

The new-look cover of the Tablet

This week's Tablet - an Atheist "must-read" - contains theological and philosophical articles from Yootha Nazier, Abe Ortion and Eugene Ix, explaining how the Catholic church needs to change in order to survive. Also there's a prize competition - simply complete the following sentence in not more than 10 words, and win a night out with the Obamas.

I THINK THE POPE IS WRONG BECAUSE ...

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Archbishop Tartaglia

Over in the Telegraph, Damian Thompson, a former editor of the Catholic Herald, shows that he has not lost his touch as a serious Catholic commentator, when he reveals exclusively that Archbishop Tartaglia of Glasgow is overweight.

Damian is no stranger to religious controversy; for example, he was the first to break the news that Bishop Roche had put on weight. A mere three years later Arthur Roche was forced to flee Leeds and take sanctuary in Rome.

A future archbishop brushes up his Latin.

Meanwhile leading Catholics are hastily dieting and making sure their hairstyles are totally sensible, as they quake in fear, wondering where the "blood-crazed ferret" will bite next.

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Meddling Monk - coffee fit for a Catholic

Finally, on Father Yuletide's blog, the great Fr Y explains that St Arbuck, normally regarded as the patron saint of coffee, was a distinctly dodgy character. He encourages us to buy "Meddling Monk" coffee instead.

St Bean (drinking wine not coffee). Founder of Meddling Monk coffee.

Meddling Monk coffee is made by traditional methods, and is guaranteed not to damage your soul.