Mystic Dame predicts.

Here at last are Mystic Dame's predictions for the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

Mystic Dame foretells the future.

Who will take over from Patrick Kelly as Archbishop of Liverpool? Well, my sources tell me that someone to watch here is Bishop Richard Williamson. Now that he has left SSPX, he is surely looking to be reconciled with the Catholic Church, and appointing him to Liverpool would be a magnanimous gesture from Pope Francis. I suppose that this name will be unfamiliar to most readers, but I can exclusively reveal that Cardinal Belgrano is expected to take over from Pope Benedict XVI in July 2013, and this is the papal name he will adopt.

St Francis Drake, founder of the Franciscans.

That just leaves Leeds sede vacante in England, after Arthur Roche was sent off to a job in Rome (which, my sources tell me, recently took over from Avignon as the papal headquarters). Well, here I have kept my ear to the ground, and I can exclusively reveal that Fr Tony Flannery, of County Galway, Ireland, is expected to be rewarded with promotion for his consistent pro-life stance.

Out go Arthur's cinnabons, and in comes Tony's potato cake!

But it's not all diocesan appointments in the Catholic Church. A very senior English Catholic - not Vincent Nichols - admitted to me recently that he had taken steps to drive out the Papal Nuncio, Antonio Mennini. He was naturally reluctant to explain how he proposed to do this, but I have been able to work it out for myself. Look at Mennini's photo, below.

Archbishop Mennini - showing signs of polonium poisoning.

Can it be a coincidence that large quantities of polonium have been delivered by lorry to a bishop's residence somewhere in the south of England? I think not.

So suppose that Mennini quits. Who will take his place? Could it be time to give Hans Küng a say in the running of the Church?

Hans is already trying on the traditional Nuncio's hat.

Finally, I foresee that the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality is about to evolve. I think the slogan "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BAD" will be changed to "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BETTER" when we're not looking. A trivial modification, you may say, but I feel that if it happens some people will notice!

Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.

All bishops asked to leave Britain

Following the Vatican's issuing of marching orders to Cardinal O'Brien, it was announced today that the entire "Magic Circle" of British bishops (apart from Davies and Egan, apparently) has been given 24 hours to leave the country.

"Now, I've asked all the usual suspects to assemble here."

It is said that Pope Francis is unhappy with various aspects of the bishops' conduct, such as their disregard of orthodox teaching, their encouragement of heresy, and their toleration of blasphemous Masses.

Heresy? All I want to do is rewrite Catholic teaching from scratch.

It is not yet clear where the bishops will be sent to, but our inside sources (Twitter) suggest:

Nichols: North Korea; Conry: Iran; Burns: Afghanistan; Murphy-O'Connor: Libya.

The nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, is said to be very relieved at the expulsion of the bishops, saying, "Since there are so few scandals in those dioceses which are sede vacante, it is clear that most bishops just get in the way. Maybe now we can get down to reviving orthodox Catholicism."

"Our flight should be boarding soon."

The Westminster Iron Tonic

After drinking Westminster Iron Tonic, I became an Olympic cyclist.

Are you a pathetic "Magic Circle" bishop, unwilling to take a stance on any issue at all? Do Telegraph journalists kick sand in your face? Are you fêted by the Tablet as someone who will never do anything to shake the liberal consensus?

TAKE WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC!

A spoonful of this daily, and you'll soon be noticed!

A satisfied customer, VN of London, writes:

I was a puny seven-stone archbishop, upon whom everyone looked down with scorn. They praised my macho friends Philip Egan and Mark Davies, while saying that I lacked backbone. But then my life changed...

The day I beat "mad dog" Williams in the archiepiscopal arm-wrestling championships.

My friend Tony Mennini told me to take a spoonful a day of Westminster Iron Tonic. I did so, and felt the iron rush through my bloodstream - yes, I had ferrous-crazed blood! In next to no time I had:

• Told David Cameron to get lost with his same-sex marriage proposals;
• Fought with a pack of rabid dogs;
• Kicked the gay masses out of Warwick Street, Soho;
• Bitten through an iron bar with my teeth;
• Welcomed the Ordinariate into a new church;
• Said "make my day, punk!" to Catherine Pepinster;
• Become the darling of traditional Catholics;
• Received a friendly telephone call from the Pope, promising me something red for my birthday.

I now train daily at the Olympic stadium.

WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC - YOU'LL BE A CARDINAL IN NO TIME!

The Tina Beattie farewell tour

Tina's Westminster gig.

As Tina says "goodbye" to the Catholic Church - or at least, most of the Catholic Church says "goodbye" to Tina - in order to provide leadership to the breakaway sect of Roe-ham Catholics, we can now reveal the programme for her farewell tour.

The prestigious venues at which Tina will entertain people with an evening of comedy and variety include the Clifton Hippodrome, the San Diego City Music Hall, the Digby Stuart Saloon Bar, the Crazy Tablet Nightclub, and the very Oddfellows' Hall, Westminster!

The Comedy Theatre - scene of Tina's greatest triumphs.

Yes, Tina will give us her hilarious stage show, where she turns Catholic doctrine on its head and presents us with several hilarious newly-minted heresies! And there is a powerful supporting cast:

Will you welcome "Peppermint" Kate!

"Peppermint" Kate, the comic, who came to fame with her "Dead Tablet" sketch - of which everyone can quote the brilliantly nonsensical line, this is progressive, but responsible Catholic thinking, a place where orthodoxy is at home but ideas are welcome - will be sharing the billing with Tina. And Kate is also a talented contortionist - watch her put her foot in her mouth and her head in the sand!

King Küng.

See King Küng the ape-man strike terror into the audience! This is the creature who tried to scale the walls of the Vatican and sit in the Pope's chair! But is he a real monster, or just a big man in a monkey suit?

Eamon and the Duffers.

Eamon and the Duffers, that well-known singing group from the Emerald Isle, will also be providing musical entertainment: they'll perform a selection of old Irish folk songs, concluding with that very moving ballad about a man carried off by the Soviet forces of the Vatican: Oh Duffy boy, your tripe's, your tripe's appalling.

Cafod Beeblebrox.

Also appearing for the last time, before he is forced to change his name and drop the "Catholic" label, is Cafod Beeblebrox, the two-faced fugitive from justice. He's said to have taken millions of pounds from innocent people who believed that they were supporting orthodox Catholic teaching, but will he get away with it tonight?

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All profits from the Tina Beattie farewell tour will go to the Justice for Tina campaign, and the We love Tina fan club.

"She's going!" Antonio Mennini shows his souvenir programme to some friends.

Do-it-yourself Thompson blog

Instructions: pick one item from each section, and combine them. Then Voilà! you have your Saturday column. Never mind if it doesn't make sense - it isn't supposed to!

The Mormons are addicted to cupcakes, which is why Archbishop Mennini required a specially reinforced piano stool.

The Scientologists
The Mormons
The chattering classes
The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout
Societies that believe in Hell
Left-wing, T-shirt-wearing nuns
Countless millions of computer addicts
American schoolchildren
The middle classes in Hyderabad
The overeducated American elite
Teenagers at a school in Xiaogong, central China
Several gay Hollywood stars
Members of Alcoholics Anonymous
Orange-skinned celebrities
Opus Dei

wield immense influence in Hollywood,
are extremely interested in money,
could never be part of the Church of England,
are keen on assisted suicide,
value their subsidised office spaces in east London,
would never be invited on Thought for the Day,
could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest,
self-medicate with sugary snacks,
are following the IV Drip Diet,
are snorting their ADHD medication,
have discovered party drugs,
are taken out of the local gene pool,
are anxious to join the Ordinariate,
would never visit old people in care homes,
might consider submitting to Pope Michael of Delia, Kansas,
are addicted to cupcakes,

Opus Dei could could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest, although Noele Gordon wandered naked into the showers at my health club.

although
but
which is why
and

Polly Toynbee
Tom Cruise
Eric Sykes
L. Ron Hubbard
Mitt Romney
Umair Haque
Dr Rowan Williams
Jeremy Paxman
Mark Easton
Edward Elgar
Archbishop Mennini
Lord Foulkes
Sir Paul McCartney
Beethoven
Richard Chartres
Mrs Gladys Mills
The Prince of Wales
Noele Gordon
Canon Brian Brindley
Edward Heath
Queen Victoria
Johann Hari
Jenny Jones
George Clooney

was known for being seriously overweight.
dabbled in the occult.
comes across as a ranting lefty.
acquired a reputation as a self-regarding young windbag.
secretly supported gay marriage.
wandered naked into the showers at my health club.
is the sort of person who would say "an hotel."
should not work for the BBC.
captures the English spirit with unmatched subtlety.
could promote clever, holy traditionalists.
drank too much whisky and attempted to dance with a 70-year-old lady.
bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.
wrote a set of piano variations on God Save the King.
never obtained a doctorate from the LSE.
should never be introduced as "Your highness."
had an indestructible perm.
required a specially reinforced piano stool.
took claret fortified with Scotch whisky.
wrote a Te Deum to celebrate Louis XIV’s victory against the English and Dutch.
supported the vandalism of GM crops.
poured Bird's Custard over a plateful of chips.

The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout are snorting their ADHD medication, but Edward Elgar bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.