The Tina Beattie farewell tour

Tina's Westminster gig.

As Tina says "goodbye" to the Catholic Church - or at least, most of the Catholic Church says "goodbye" to Tina - in order to provide leadership to the breakaway sect of Roe-ham Catholics, we can now reveal the programme for her farewell tour.

The prestigious venues at which Tina will entertain people with an evening of comedy and variety include the Clifton Hippodrome, the San Diego City Music Hall, the Digby Stuart Saloon Bar, the Crazy Tablet Nightclub, and the very Oddfellows' Hall, Westminster!

The Comedy Theatre - scene of Tina's greatest triumphs.

Yes, Tina will give us her hilarious stage show, where she turns Catholic doctrine on its head and presents us with several hilarious newly-minted heresies! And there is a powerful supporting cast:

Will you welcome "Peppermint" Kate!

"Peppermint" Kate, the comic, who came to fame with her "Dead Tablet" sketch - of which everyone can quote the brilliantly nonsensical line, this is progressive, but responsible Catholic thinking, a place where orthodoxy is at home but ideas are welcome - will be sharing the billing with Tina. And Kate is also a talented contortionist - watch her put her foot in her mouth and her head in the sand!

King Küng.

See King Küng the ape-man strike terror into the audience! This is the creature who tried to scale the walls of the Vatican and sit in the Pope's chair! But is he a real monster, or just a big man in a monkey suit?

Eamon and the Duffers.

Eamon and the Duffers, that well-known singing group from the Emerald Isle, will also be providing musical entertainment: they'll perform a selection of old Irish folk songs, concluding with that very moving ballad about a man carried off by the Soviet forces of the Vatican: Oh Duffy boy, your tripe's, your tripe's appalling.

Cafod Beeblebrox.

Also appearing for the last time, before he is forced to change his name and drop the "Catholic" label, is Cafod Beeblebrox, the two-faced fugitive from justice. He's said to have taken millions of pounds from innocent people who believed that they were supporting orthodox Catholic teaching, but will he get away with it tonight?

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All profits from the Tina Beattie farewell tour will go to the Justice for Tina campaign, and the We love Tina fan club.

"She's going!" Antonio Mennini shows his souvenir programme to some friends.

Charity Appeal

The charity CATFOOD (CATholics For Oddball Overseas Development), has asked for an appeal to be posted on all spiritually nourishing blogs such as this one.

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We are hugely grateful for the support you have shown for CATFOOD's work over many years, as we have acted as a lobbying agency for extra taxes, action on climate change, and access to condoms for all; we have also done something about those people in the Third World without access to those simple necessities of life that we all take for granted: such as Tenderized baby kestrel with a Welsh truffle sauce, tortured parsnips, weeping Norfolk onions, and a salad of pumpkin leaves with balsamic vinegar; with this, most experts would recommend a Chateau Coldfitte 1992.

A baby kestrel. In London we take food like this for granted.

Well now we need to turn our attention to nearer at home. Do you remember me telling you about Zimi, a 10-year old girl from Islington? Zimi's family have been without proper drinking water for several weeks: her parents could no longer find Mont Blanc Glacier Water in the supermarket, and she was forced to drink the rubbish that comes out of the taps.

Zimi now says, "When the deliveries of Mont Blanc Glacier Water stopped, my family had to change its lifestyle; we stopped taking baths or showers, and now nobody at school wants to sit next to me."

Mont Blanc, where the glacier water is lovingly harvested by Dominican friars.

Thanks to CATFOOD, Zimi's family is now getting regular deliveries of climate change posters and contraceptives, and we are looking into the water problem as well.

We'd now like to tell you about another child, a 9-year-old boy from Notting Hill called Gift. You might be wondering how Gift got his name. It's because in Notting Hill they go in for pretentious names these days (his brothers and sisters are called Square-Root, Proust, Biggleswade, and Beckham). Gift's family have been without a refrigerator for over a week, as they wait for Zanussi to deliver another one. In fact, it was partly their fault, as they first contacted ZANU, by mistake. Although Robert Mugabe was very pleased to hear from them, he was unable to provide a refrigerator.

Robert Mugabe and an unidentified friend discuss the fridge crisis in Islington.

As a result, Gift and his family have been forced to eat out in restaurants every day this week, as the only alternative to living on slightly stale food. CATFOOD is coming to their assistance, and Gift's family will soon have a shiny new fridge.

Did I mention that we are a Catholic organization? No, well we don't want to scare people by bringing religion into everyday life: go to our website and see how long it takes you to find the word "Catholic" on the front page. Still, do keep sending us your money, and we'll make sure it is spent the way we think best.

Givvin to charitty

De storry so far. Bosco have been givven permision to commit one murder, knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven by Farver Arfur, a Cathlic preist in good standin. We is still tryin to geuss who de lucky victtim will be.

Meanwhile Anti Moly and me was just about to tuck into Bosco's nuorishing pie what he made from allmonds and what smelt reely strong, when dere was a knokc on de door.
"If dat's a freind of mine, tell em come to come in," said Anti Moly. "If not, chuck a brick at em."
"You ain't got no freinds, Moly Hun," said Bosco. He calls her Hun sometimes, as she was once enggaged to de Herrman Gorring (she says it was her what broke de rellationship off, but I heard rumors dat in fact he did it cos he fought she was too agressive).

It turned out to be Farver Arfur, who said he was collectin for CAFFOD, de charrity what helps starvin poeple. It used to be quite Cathlic, but dat werent verry poppular, so dey doesnt worry about dat too much now. In fact dey keeps sendin rude letters to de Pop saying dat he's got it all wrong. So we quite likes dem.

Here is a pitcher of Farver Arfur and his freinds from CAFFOD.



"What shuold I give?" I asked Farver Arfur.
"Give what you can, my son," he repplied. I aint reely his son, but he says dat poeple wont beleive he is a preist if he dont say fings like dat.

So I made de grate sacriffice and sent Farver Arfur away carryin Bosco's allmond pie (dem starvin chaps in Affrica is reely gonna enjoy dat). We also gave him a botle of Anti Moly's homemade cacctus gin, what also makes a grate tiolet cleaner. We aint heard any more of him since then.

Which reminds me, in de Calumny Chappel we has put up a statue of St Thommas de Baker. It is made out of a cacctus, so dat poeple like Bosco doesnt kiss it in a fit of abbsent-mindedness. Aint dat cute?