How well do you know the liturgy?

We have decided to help out the Tablet staff, who have been having trouble with their questionnaire on the new translation of the Mass, perhaps because many of them are not regular church-goers. Accordingly, we provide another quiz, this time to test readers' knowledge of the new translation.

Tablet staff studying an English missal.

1. If the priest says "The Lord be with you," what is 
the correct response? 
(a) Thank you.
(b) And with your spirit.
(c) Look, poor old Granny Pepinster's late, she must have 
overslept again, and... oh he's started.

2. Which action do you do when making a Confession?
(a) Slap your head, and say "D'oh, I got it wrong again!"
(b) Beat your breast and say "Through my most grievous fault." 
(c) Scratch your back and say "Gosh, these pews are uncomfortable!"

Mea culpa!

3. Which is it?
(a) Circumstantial like the Father.
(b) Consubstantial with the Father.
(c) Confidential to the Father.

4. Lord I am not worthy that... Which?
(a) I should climb onto Your roof.
(b) You should enter under my roof.
(c) I should fall off the roof.

Unworthy people.

5. Go forth, the Mass is... What?
(a) Running late.
(b) Ended.
(c) Cancelled.

6. You may occasionally hear some Latin. Which of these is 
a Latin phrase?
(a) Elena Curti.
(b) Agnus Dei.
(c) San Diego.

Top scores so far: Clifford Longley 3, Ed Stourton 2, Chris Patten 1.

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Late News.

After rumours that both the Dandy and Tablet comics would be forced to close through falling subscriptions, it has just been announced that they will merge.

Your new Danlet will continue to feature those much-loved comic characters who have given us so many hours of fun. For example, we shall still be able to read the hilarious exploits of that distinguished historian:

Desperate Duffy,

and that expert on religion, society and human flourishing*:

Beattie the Peril.

Available at the back of the church, now!

*Having fun.

The Tina Beattie farewell tour

Tina's Westminster gig.

As Tina says "goodbye" to the Catholic Church - or at least, most of the Catholic Church says "goodbye" to Tina - in order to provide leadership to the breakaway sect of Roe-ham Catholics, we can now reveal the programme for her farewell tour.

The prestigious venues at which Tina will entertain people with an evening of comedy and variety include the Clifton Hippodrome, the San Diego City Music Hall, the Digby Stuart Saloon Bar, the Crazy Tablet Nightclub, and the very Oddfellows' Hall, Westminster!

The Comedy Theatre - scene of Tina's greatest triumphs.

Yes, Tina will give us her hilarious stage show, where she turns Catholic doctrine on its head and presents us with several hilarious newly-minted heresies! And there is a powerful supporting cast:

Will you welcome "Peppermint" Kate!

"Peppermint" Kate, the comic, who came to fame with her "Dead Tablet" sketch - of which everyone can quote the brilliantly nonsensical line, this is progressive, but responsible Catholic thinking, a place where orthodoxy is at home but ideas are welcome - will be sharing the billing with Tina. And Kate is also a talented contortionist - watch her put her foot in her mouth and her head in the sand!

King Küng.

See King Küng the ape-man strike terror into the audience! This is the creature who tried to scale the walls of the Vatican and sit in the Pope's chair! But is he a real monster, or just a big man in a monkey suit?

Eamon and the Duffers.

Eamon and the Duffers, that well-known singing group from the Emerald Isle, will also be providing musical entertainment: they'll perform a selection of old Irish folk songs, concluding with that very moving ballad about a man carried off by the Soviet forces of the Vatican: Oh Duffy boy, your tripe's, your tripe's appalling.

Cafod Beeblebrox.

Also appearing for the last time, before he is forced to change his name and drop the "Catholic" label, is Cafod Beeblebrox, the two-faced fugitive from justice. He's said to have taken millions of pounds from innocent people who believed that they were supporting orthodox Catholic teaching, but will he get away with it tonight?

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All profits from the Tina Beattie farewell tour will go to the Justice for Tina campaign, and the We love Tina fan club.

"She's going!" Antonio Mennini shows his souvenir programme to some friends.

Tolkien film released

It's out at last: The Tobblit, the new film based on Tolkien's famous book.

The Tobblit

As many readers will know, this book tells the tale of Pill-bo Peppins the Half-baked, who is sent on a quest by the great wizard Ganduffy, and meets many strange characters on the way.

"Keep to the Left!" says Ganduffy.

The powers of Middle-Earth (or Mediterraneum, to use a more traditional expression) have led Peppins to roam (Roma), but she is determined to escape from their influence: she goes into the wilderness looking for adventure, along with thirteen dwarves. These include Beati, the comedy dwarf, whose invitation to take part is withdrawn at the last moment. She tags along anyway, blogging furiously about it.

Peppins encounters an evil D'orc, seen here with the corpse of its victim.

The way is perilous, and Peppins often loses sight of her ultimate quest, which is something to do with a dragon. Indeed, as this is a three-film trilogy, she won't get that far for another couple of years.

One of the most loathsome creatures encountered en route is Gilesum, a strange twisted being that lives underground.

Gilesum - once human, but now distorted by a life of hatred.

Gilesum utters many strange cries like "BIGOTSES - I HATESEM" and "WE WANTS WIMMIN PRIESTESSES!" He is custodian of a mysterious ring, with various magic powers, including the ability to throw one's voice into innocent people's sleeping chambers early in the morning.

Peppins escapes Gilesum and rejoins the party. They then have to cross the sinister forest of Inwood, where strange sounds are heard that drive people insane; however, the travellers cover their ears, as have so many before them, and they eventually reach the land of elven safety.

Christopher Lee plays the part of another wizard, Cantuar the White.

Tonight's Television

The Vicar of Webly

It's not over until the fat bishop sings.

In tonight's episode of The Vicar of Webly, the Church of England is in crisis after a measure to appoint women bishops is narrowly defeated, and it is realised that they will have to keep taking votes every few months until they get the answer they were supposed to get.

Ambitious Geraldine, the Vicar of Webly, having set her heart on promotion to the cushy job of Bishop of Milton Keynes, is in no doubt where the fault lies. "After weeks of discussion and lobbying, the Church of England made the mistake of allowing two minutes of prayer before the vote," she says. "It is entirely possible that the Holy Spirit intervened at the last minute and blocked the measure. Now is it right that God should be allowed to intervene in a democratic process?"

The Holy Spirit - dragging Religion into Politics.

Meanwhile, the Catholic church rushes to sympathise with the Anglicans in their time of trouble. In a personal phone call to their new leader, Archbishop-elect Webly, Pope Benedict XVI makes the comforting remark, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

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Duffy the Vampire-slayer

Duffy the Vampire-slayer

The Catholic church has problems of its own, as the spectre of Traditional Catholicism, believed to have been buried in the 1960s, begins to rear its ugly head once more. A foolish old woman called Tina finds herself harassed on all sides, simply for speaking up against the mysterious forces called Magisterium. Banished from San Diego, she takes refuge in a dreadful wasteland called Roehampton.

Now all eyes turn towards Duffy the Vampire-slayer, a clever history student, who decides to rescue Tina from the forces that assail her. He invokes the spectre of Cardinal Newman, a well-known liberal Catholic who wrote regularly about how same-sex marriage, women priests and abortion were necessary for salvation. Duffy calls Newman to his aid in the battle for the soul of the Catholic church, and the fight is on.

John Henry Newman, author of Apologia pro Tina sua.

Will Duffy rescue poor Tina, or will he too be destroyed by the sinister doctrine known as Orthodoxy?

Eamon Duffy and the Sovietization of Catholicism

Prof. Eamon Duffy with his biography of Tina Beattie.

The Catholic church was in a state of shock this week, after the distinguished theologian Eamon Duffy waded into the "Justice for Tina" affair with all guns blazing. Duffy expressed his concerns in the wake of a telegram that Tina Beattie had received from San Diego, which said simply, "No Catholic freebies for you, you heretic!"

San Diego - but Tina's not going for a dip!

Duffy - never one to exaggerate - complained of the increased "Sovietization of Catholic intellectual life." We found a startling history of incidents in which Catholic dissidents had been treated as un-persons.

A photo of Boyzone. Keith Duffy is there, but Eamon has been airbrushed out!

Duffy himself is a tragic victim of the Stalinist policies of the Vatican, having been written out of all the major events of Catholic history, in which he played such an important part. "In particular, Pope Benedict omitted me from his Radio Programme Ten Theologians who shook the world, claiming that Martin Luther was more influential than I am," he complained.

The Last Supper - but why has Eamon Duffy been painted out?

Tina Beattie herself has maintained a dignified silence over the affair, limiting herself to a posting on her blog in which she says:

We hate Benedict Sixteen,
We hate Declan Lang too,
We hate San Diego,
But Eamon, we love you!

(For another 47 verses of this song, complete with a two-hundred paragraph article entitled "Why I am keeping a dignified silence," see justice-for-tina.blogspot.com.)

Tina Beattie has accused the Catholic blogosphere of mocking her. This seems unlikely, but she may have been referring to Fr Herman Nootic's "If your career's going down the drain, call a Catholic plumber," and Father Xylophone's "San Diego - a great place for coffee with Catholic theologians in good standing." She also refers to a "scurrilous lying blog by a person who claims to be saved, but who posts photographs with totally inappropriate captions." So far we have not managed to decide which blog she means.

An unidentified professor of Catholic theology attacks the Pope at Midnight Mass.

St Mary leaves Twickenham

Following the resignation of Prof. Eamon Duffy from the position of honorary fellow of St Mary's University College, Twickenham, it now turns out that an even more eminent person, the Blessed Virgin Mary, has decided to end her association with the trouble-ridden college.

St Mary's Chapel - a fine example of 1960s "crematorium" architecture.

The resignation of St Mary came initially in a private revelation to Bishop Caterpillar, the chairman of the governors; it has now been confirmed by miraculous means, in that all documents and signs pertaining to the college now appear without the name of St Mary.

The college, as it now presents itself to the world.

The crisis is said to have originated with the proposed merger between the academically impressive School of Theology, Philosophy and Art, and the academically less impressive School of Juggling, Tap-Dancing and Fire-Walking. It came to a head when Dr Anthony Towie was escorted off the campus by security.

According to Dr Towie: "I was giving my usual lecture on the Continuing relevance of Dei Verbum as matrix of revelation for Catholic Theology, when I was interrupted by cries of 'Why aren't you tap-dancing?' It seems that these days the college is phasing out degrees in theology, which tend to lead to badly-paid jobs in religious institutions, in favour of more marketable skills such as juggling, which can lead to celebrity on television programmes. I argued in vain that one of our brightest alumni had once appeared on The Z-factor, a religious talent show hosted by the great Father Z."

An alternative to hermeneutics.

Bishop Caterpillar has defended the plan to merge STPA with SJTDFW, saying that Vatican II had explicitly authorized the use of jugglers, tap-dancers and fire-walkers in Novus Ordo Masses, and so such creative arts may be regarded as a paradigm for religious worship.

In the absence of St Mary, the college is now looking for a new sponsor. One saint long associated with dancing, who may be available, is St Vitus; thus we may soon be referring to St Vitus's University College.

The man who will save Twickenham?