Lumen Fidei - what will it contain?

Excitement is mounting as the encyclical Lumen Fidei, jointly authored by popes Benedict XVI and Francis, is due to hit the bookstalls on Friday 5th July.

The two popes (in traditional white vestments) celebrate the completion of their work.

We asked some of our regular readers what they expected to see in this document, which is sure to become a best-seller.

Professor Tina Beattie, Roehampton. Clearly a new broom has entered the Vatican, which will sweep away all the cobwebs of traditionalism and bring us to the pure Catholicism as invented by the Vatican II Council. Expect a more relaxed attitude to same-sex marriage, abortion, and divorce, and perhaps a few sentences likening the Mass to an act of homosexual intercourse! From now on nobody is going to stop me from lecturing, where and when I wish! I did it MY way...

Tina, you SHALL go to the ball!

Archbishop Piero Marini, liturgical expert. Ha ha ha, at last I'll have my revenge on Benedict! He's had his encyclical totally rewritten by Pope Francis the Wonderful. From now on there'll be no more Latin, in fact no more prayers at all. We're gonna dance, dance, dance! By the way, Holy Father, just in case you're looking for a new Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, perhaps it's time for one who has a fondness for pagan rites? Just a thought...

Lord of the Prance.

Damian Thompson, experienced Vatican-watcher.What many fans of Pope Francis have been waiting to see is a definitive statement on the liturgical role of custard. It seems likely that this is the document that we have been waiting for, at least as an interim statement until a full Custard Council can be convened. But my spies tell me that, whereas Pope Benedict prefers the "Extraordinary Form" of custard made with real eggs, his successor is more of an "Ordinary Form" man, and prefers it out of a tin. We shall see.

A shock for traditionalists.

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!

An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!

An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!

Professor Eccles answers your questions

Q: Dear Professor Eccles, I was in London on Thursday, and will be in Rome on Sunday. When and where should I celebrate Ascension Day?

Professor Eccles makes a cup of coffee.

A: This is a difficult question, and to get a meaningful answer, you have to understand my General Theory of Doctrons. These are fundamental particles which emanate from a big machine in Rome called the Magisterium, and transmit Catholic doctrine round the world. Unfortunately, when they reach England they are often blocked on arrival by a chain of jamming devices on the south coast.

Arundel Cathedral - believed to contain a jamming device called a Cathedra.

Anyway, to answer your question, the moment your aeroplane flew over the Channel it would have been hit by a wave of doctrons, and so the correct answer is that you should celebrate Ascension Day the moment that the "Fasten Seatbelts Sign" has been switched off.

A "flying bishop" demonstrates the latest in pneumatic chasubles.

While I'm here, let me tell you of another exciting scientific discovery: the Hereson, or anti-God particle. This one acts as an anti-Doctron: to detect it, scientists sent Hans Küng whizzing round a "collider" under the Alps at high velocity until he collided with Tina Beattie.

Hans Küng meets Tina Beattie and emits a Hereson.

Well that's enough science for today, so let's finish with a photo showing some of the deadly effects of Hereson radiation.

The deadly effects of Hereson Radiation.

Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.

All bishops asked to leave Britain

Following the Vatican's issuing of marching orders to Cardinal O'Brien, it was announced today that the entire "Magic Circle" of British bishops (apart from Davies and Egan, apparently) has been given 24 hours to leave the country.

"Now, I've asked all the usual suspects to assemble here."

It is said that Pope Francis is unhappy with various aspects of the bishops' conduct, such as their disregard of orthodox teaching, their encouragement of heresy, and their toleration of blasphemous Masses.

Heresy? All I want to do is rewrite Catholic teaching from scratch.

It is not yet clear where the bishops will be sent to, but our inside sources (Twitter) suggest:

Nichols: North Korea; Conry: Iran; Burns: Afghanistan; Murphy-O'Connor: Libya.

The nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, is said to be very relieved at the expulsion of the bishops, saying, "Since there are so few scandals in those dioceses which are sede vacante, it is clear that most bishops just get in the way. Maybe now we can get down to reviving orthodox Catholicism."

"Our flight should be boarding soon."

Fortune tellers cannot save you

Pope Francis has reminded people that salvation can only come through Jesus Christ, not through tarot readers and fortune tellers.

A liturgical abuse by an unsaved priest.

This news has come as a shock to many liberal catholics, who were expecting Pope Francis to be more sympathetic towards arcane practices than his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI.

Said Catherine Pepinster of the Tablet, "We are gravely disappointed by what the Pope said, and he is losing the support of Catholic newspapers such as ours. After all, the Tablet's new horoscope column, written by the mysterious Madame E. Curti, gives explicit instructions on how to achieve salvation. For example, all Aquarians should try an attend a mass with liturgical dancing this week, and join a pro-choice demonstration."

Madame E. Curti looks into the future.

Over in the dark lands of Roehampton there is also disquiet. Said Madame Tina, another well-known clairvoyante, "I predict that Pope Francis will be visited by an aged German called Küng, who will persuade him to allow women priests, same-sex marriage and easy divorce, as an integral part of Catholic life. Trust me, this morning I saw three magpies and a large white cloud that looked a bit like Vincent Nichols. That always means doom for someone."

Hans Küng - the cards foretell his arrival in Rome.

Continued Madame Tina, "I haven't been getting many speaking engagements lately, but as a leading Catholic fortune-teller, I am always available for gay masses, first communions, clown masses, ordinations, or, if all else fails, my ever-popular mind-reading show Madame Tina's Lumen Gentium. After all, Mother Julian of Norwich was a mystic, so why shouldn't I try my hand?"

Madame Tina knows your future!

It is thought that Pope Francis may not be entirely pleased with this new trend in liberal Catholicism. And to everyone's surprise, it appears that Pope Benedict, in his retirement, has also been practising simple conjuring tricks.

Abracadabra! There's now a rabbit inside the box!

Is this interview with God genuine?

The following interview, allegedly with God the Father, appeared on the Diocese of Salford website. According to the Press Officer, Fr John Flynn, "I am sure it is real."

On reflection I think the interview has to be fake, but I am reproducing it on my blog just in case it is a genuine scoop.

Our distinguished guest, creating life.

JOURNALIST: Welcome, God. Er, how should I address You?

GOD: Oh, don't stand on ceremony. Abba, Father, Lord, Sir, Boss - any of those will do. Even "Lord Sugar."

J: Can I assume that You are speaking as God the Father right now?

G: Yes, the doctrine of the Trinity is a little complex, but take it that I'm also speaking as God the Son to Johann Hari at the Independent, and Ruth Gledhill at the Times has booked me as God the Holy Spirit.

J: How do you see Your job? Is it a job for life, or do You think You may retire some time?

G: Oh, definitely for life, which means for ever in My case. After all, who could replace me?

J: Richard Dawkins, maybe?

Richard Dawkins cuddles another fossil for comfort.

G: Oh, poor Richard thinks he's God, but he's not got much of a clue. We converse regularly - well, I speak, and he sticks his fingers in his ears.

J: Tell us what you think of the new Pope, Sir.

G: Oh, a good man, I'm sure. A little different from Pope Benedict, of course. Perhaps it's a shame that he bundled up all his ceremonial robes and sent them to a charity shop.

You too can wear a fanon - modelled here by Pope Paul VI.

J: Many of our readers will be asking whether you are a "Traddie" or a "Liberal," Lord.

G: Ha ha ha, good question. Just think of me as being very orthodox. Can't abide those fools at the Tablet, though.

J: Oh, You read the Tablet?

G: Yes, I skim through it - when you're basically omniscient it's best to keep up with the enemy. Here's an example: TINA BEATTIE CALLS ON VATICAN TO SURRENDER. No, no, she's lost it.

J: These days, the Church seems to spend a lot of time arguing about abortion, same-sex marriage, and so forth. Any comments?

G: Oh get real. I made My views clear on those issues, centuries ago. By now everyone should have understood the basic moral principles of Christianity, and got on to more serious things like loving their neighbour.

Love your neighbour, François Hollande style. Les plods gassing les enfants de la patrie.

J: What do you think of the other burning issue of the day: the decision of the Telegraph to charge for its content?

G: Apparently, they have to pay for Geoffrey Lean to jet off to more conferences on global warming, and the airlines are threatening to charge double the price for fat people. I see their dilemma.

J: Will You pay the £1.99, O Lord?

G: No, for obvious reasons I won't need to do that. Besides, I really only read it for the cartoon and some of the blogs.

J: Do You listen to the radio?

G: Yes, I simply adore Thought for the Day. St Peter and I play this game in which we listen to Giles Fraser and count the number of theological errors, inadvertent blasphemies, and examples of sheer foolishness that he makes. I've seen St Peter rolling on the floor, laughing at some of Giles's blunders.

Giles Fraser has fans in very high places indeed.

J: One final question, Sir. Vatican II - what did you make of it?

G: Oh, it had some good points, but then some of what happened afterwards was simply hilarious. All that stuff about priests standing with their backs to Me, so that I couldn't see what they were up to. Totally clueless. And the hymns they make Me listen to these days - I do wonder why Paul Inwood and his friends hate me so much.

J: God the Father, thank You very much.

G: PAX VOBISCUM, and I'll be seeing you again in - oh, about 38 years from now.

J: Oh, er, right.

Not-very-relevant photo.

Britain's bishops lose their AAA credibility rating

The Catholic Church in the UK was in crisis today, as it was revealed that the Vatican had decided to downgrade its bishops' AAA credibility rating to a lowly CCC.

Bishop Tom Burns: sometimes a card, but never a cardinal.

Several factors had contributed to this lack of confidence in the British bishops, starting with some rebellious comments from Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Kieran Conry, and culminating in a deranged outburst from Bishop Burns.

Kiero fiddles while Tom Burns.

Indeed, Tommy Burns, of the People's Republic of Menevia - a socialist state that somehow escaped the collapse of communism in 1990 - courageously took the opportunity of the Pope's retirement to put forward his own views on Catholicism. Had he expressed such opinions in 2008, it would probably have prevented his promotion from Bishop of the Farces to Bishop of Menevia.

Bishop Burns told the Tablet, a well-known organ of Protestantism: "Conservatism has had its day. It doesn’t work. Despite all Benedict’s efforts, the Church is losing its place in society." Bishop Burns rightly considers that a "place in society" is very important, and he is definitely miffed because he misses out on so many social events.

A Royal Garden Party. Alas, no Tommy Burns!

In a moment of sudden self-awareness, Burns called for a "root and-branch review of the method of appointing bishops." It is thought that he was apprehensive that a lunatic with a totally absurd view of Catholicism might end up being appointed to a diocese such as Menevia.

Annoy the Pope and win an evening out with Tina Beattie.

As a side-effect of his meltdown, Tom Burns is now a hot favourite to win the Tablet's new prize competition, Annoy the Pope and win an evening out with Tina Beattie. However, expert opinion suggests that a whole evening with the biggest bore in modern British Catholicism may be more than even he can stomach.

Keith O'Brien dances with Flora McHaggis.

Meanwhile, in Scotland, another contestant for the Tablet's prize, Cardinal Keith O'Brien, has made it clear that he has "no plans to marry" Miss Flora McHaggis, a leading piper, even if a new Pope is elected who would permit him to do so. "But I'd like the option," he explained.

---

Pope Who?

In other news, speculation is growing as to which name the next Pope will take. According to a recent poll, the current front-runners are:

1. Cormac;
2. Kieran;
3. Tom;

"Doubting" Tom calls for a root and-branch review of the method of appointing apostles.

4. Hans;
5. John-Paul, John, Paul, or Paul-John;
6. George-Ringo;
7. Damian;

St Damian cured this dog of a cupcake addiction.

8. Z;
9. Eccles (saved);
10. Ye.

Pope Ye: he (also) hath shown strength with his arm.

I've got a little list

With apologies to W.S. Gilbert.

KO-KO

As some day it will happen that the guilty must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of the Vatican's opponents, who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There are atheists like Dawkins who is nothing but a clown
For his books contain the biggest heap of garbage written down -
There's big fat oafish Stephen Fry, who jokes on child abuse,
There must be some point to the man, he doesn't seem much use -

The natural choice to play a pompous, vain, self-loving fool.

Giles Fraser's slightly Christian, but he's far more Socialist -
He never would be missed — he never would be missed!
  
CHORUS

He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

KO-KO

There are Catholic politicians, for whom party takes first place 
Like Iain Duncan Smith — I've got him on the list!
Then McLoughlin - known as Patrick - is another real disgrace -
He never would be missed — he never would be missed!

Blah, blah, blah. Equal marriage. Blah blah blah.

Then the BBC's Ed Stourton speaks in sympathetic tone
Of all the little heresies and faiths except his own;
There's the lady from Roehampton, she who dresses like a guy,
She is sometimes banned from speaking, but she'd 
                                        'rather like to try';
And that singular anomaly, the lady Tabletist —
I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

 
CHORUS

He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

KO-KO

There are all those suspect clergy, who attack Pope Benedict,
The obsessive modernist — I've got him on the list!
Some gloomy deacons, comic priests and bishops (badly picked) —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed.
There's the German Prof. who wishes he could sit on Peter's throne,
So modest that he's got a six-foot statue of his own -

O worship the Küng...

And apologetic bishops of a compromising kind,
Such as — Cormac... Whatsit, Kieran... Thingie, 
                                   and Crispian... Never-mind.
There are many who spout utter rot and blame it on Vat II -
The task of finding extra names I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS

You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!