Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.

Kieran Corny abducted by aliens

Bob the Builder - note the striking resemblance to Kieran Corny.

The Catholic Church has finally come clean and admitted that Kieran Corny, the much-loved bishop of Arundel and Brighton, was abducted by aliens a few years ago, and replaced by a lookalike, Bob the Builder. Many will know Bob from his catchphrase Can we fix it? to which the reply is Yes, but we're not going to bother.

Some of Kieran's conduct over the last few years has been so absurd that many Catholics have exclaimed in disbelief "Is this man really a bishop?" Now, at last, their worse fears are confirmed, as it is revealed that an impostor was in place all along.

In happier times, Kieran Corny had a big following.

Most recently, Kieran launched an ill-judged personal attack on the outgoing pope, Benedict XVI. Said a critic, "He seemed to be totally unaware of a bishop's duty of loyalty and obedience. He was acting in the egotistical way that one might associate with Ed Stourton, Tina Beattie, or any of the other people linked with that rag, the Tablet."

Ian Paisley (Lord Bannside). "I find the Tablet too harsh in its criticisms of the Pope."

Bob, the Kieran Corny lookalike, has set himself up as the Antipope of the South Coast in recent years. One of his main criticisms has been that decisions concerning the worldwide Catholic church have been taken centrally in Rome, rather than being left to local potentates to decide for themselves. "What's the point of being a bishop if you can't define Catholicism to suit yourself?" he is supposed to have said. However, the Vatican is still refusing to recognise the SSPB (Society of Sussex Pope-Bashers).

A recent portrait of Kieran Corny.

Whether explaining how the Pope should have run the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, attacking Cardinal O'Brien on the issue of same-sex marriage, or simply moaning about Archbishop Roche's new translation of the liturgy ("In Sussex we don't say 'consubstantial' - we say 'being of one thingie, whatever'"), Bob Corny has a track record of ticking off his superiors.

"It's all Greek to me," says Bob.

So it was with a brilliant sense of irony that Corny was appointed head of the Magic Circle's department for Evangelisation and Catechesis - after all, the Catholic church is bound to evangelise much better if it is known to be full of dissenting bishops, and of course these are just the sort of people one would want to be catechised by.

Bob Corny is also Brighton and Hove Albion's star left-winger.

Still the truth is now out: the holy and learned Kieran Corny has been abducted to the planet Tharg, and meanwhile Bob the lookalike has been bumbling around Arundel and Brighton. We should have realised sooner.

The prophecies of St Malarkey

The 16th century (or possibly 12th century) prophecies of St Malarkey are attracting great interest at present, as they seem to make predictions about the next Pope to be elected, suggesting that he will be the last.

St Malarkey.

Certainly, St Malarkey has had a sensational track record of identifying the popes elected in the last few hundred years. Here are some examples of his brilliant predictions.

"Man with glasses" - an unerring identification of Pope John-Paul I.

In 1978, the College of Cardinals must have had St Malarkey's prophecies in mind when they unfailingly elected a man with glasses as the new pope (John-Paul I), in succession to Pope Paul VI.

"Goldfinger" - well, nearly right, it was a goldfinch on a finger.

Likewise, after Pope Pius XII's election in 1939, the mysteriously prophetic word "Goldfinger" was seen to be right on target, for the Holy Father successfully balanced a goldfinch on his finger.

More recently, St Malarkey's prediction of Pope Benedict XVI's election was couched in the word "Koala," which led many to think that Cardinal Pell would be elected. But the good saint had seen further than everyone else, and he knew that the scene below would surely come to pass.

Pope Benedict XVI - fated to meet a koala.

Some of St Malarkey's predictions referred to popes who are now almost forgotten. His enigmatic phrase "short fat hairy legs," for example, led the college of cardinals into a frantic examination of the legs of all those cardinals who were papabile, before they finally elected Pope Ernie the Wise.

"Short fat hairy legs" - Pope Ernie the Wise (R), with an unknown nun.

So what does St Malarkey have to say about the next pope, who will be elected within the next month or so? Simply the word "Comic." Well, our experts have looked around to see who could be meant, and below we reveal the saint's final tip for the throne of St Peter.

"Comic" Murphy-O'Connor (R), with shifty-looking sidekick.

If this election comes to pass, then the end of the world will surely be near at hand.

1000 priests write to the Telegraph

Cuculus cameronus.

SIR,

As we were walking down Whitehall today, we distinctly heard the sound of the cuckoo. It was croaking its characteristic cry of Gayma-Ridge Gayma-Ridge. Was this the first cuckoo of spring?

Rt Rev Philip Egan
Bishop of Portsmouth

Rt Rev Malcolm McMahon
Bishop of Nottingham

Not Kieran Conry - couldn't find a pen.

Rt Rev Paul Priest
Bishop of Corby (Could I add a few paragraphs here about logical paradigms? No?)

Lots of priests called Finigan, Finnegan etc
Representing the "Finnegans Wake" blogging consortium

Rev Ray Blake-Seven (with "Zuhlsdorf" liturgical handgun), a rival blogger

Rev Sir Charles Dilke Bt Cong Orat
Mission to the aristocracy

Mitred Archpriest Alexander Nadson
Man with the fanciest headgear

What the well-dressed mitred archpriest is wearing this season.

Mgr Andrew Summersgill
Magic Circle

Rt Rev Mgr Keith Newton
Ordinary, Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham, mission to Soho

Rev G.K. Ale, Abbot of Bury St Edmund's

Mgr Uncle Tom Cobleigh and All
Widecombe

... and more.

---

SIR,

David Cameron

Reading skills for bishops

Are you a bishop? It's a great job, isn't it, with an army of priests at your beck and call, addressing you as "My Lord," and quaking in fear that you may move them to a really nasty parish?

It's not "My Lord" any more, it's "Captain Kieran of the Enterprise."

But it's a busy job too, and we find that many bishops do not have time to brush up on their reading skills. You know how it is, you're bombarded with a blizzard of documents from your boss in Rome, all with offputting names like Summorum Pontificum and Sacrosanctum Concilium, and even when you get hold of an English translation, it's full of complicated sentences that you can't really digest. And it doesn't have any pictures or conversations, so you tend to doze off quite quickly.

Oops! Neither the speaker nor the audience can see the screen.

Well, Dr Eccles offers a course in reading skills for bishops. No longer will you make gaffes such as ...over the centuries, and especially after the Protestant Reformation, many of the elements of the Mass had become obscured. Much of this was a consequence of the continued use of Latin, which served to alienate and distance people from the action of the Mass (already noted on several excellent blogs such as this one and this one). This is at best total gibberish, and, at worst, a complete denial of the views expressed by the Magisterium over the last 50 years or so.

Look, Bishop, there's no need to feel guilty about it. I know you'd like to say Mea Culpa - if you knew what it meant - but we understand that reading the Vatican II documents is very difficult if you're not supposed to move your lips. It's tempting to skip over them, and assume that they say certain things, when in fact they say exactly the opposite. Dr Eccles is here to help you.

Lesson 1: an "Easy reading" translation of the Encyclical Este Sancti.

Who will succeed Rowan?

We is very interrested in knowin who will succede Rowan Willaims as chief cosstume hollyman of de Angliccan church, so I has asked a geust blogger to give us de front runners.

---

John Sentamu, Archbishop of York.

From now on I'm not going to wear socks until Mugabe is deposed.

Although at first sight, St Emu is in pole position to take over at Canterbury, his insistence on traditional Christian values will probably count against him. There are worrying rumours that he will attempt to reinstate Bible-reading in churches, and not just the politically-correct bits.



Richard London, Bishop of Chartres.

When the St Paul's protesters shout at 6 a.m., they are, in a very real sense, giving us a wake-up call.

A popular choice among the liberal wing of the Anglican church, Chartres is said to have the Queen's ear (although it could be someone else's in that pickle jar). However, Chartres suffers from the fact that his intellectual credentials will always be in doubt, since he does not have a "proper" doctorate like Damian Thompson.



Jeffrey John, Bishop Dean of St Alban's.

I'm only in this job for the fancy dresses.

Strongly supported by those who want to see a "gay" Archbishop. Tipped to be the first homosexual to be "married" in a Church of England service. It would be most unkind to say that the main reason that he was not promoted is that he is a power-crazed pervert.



Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop of the American Episcopalian Church.

Men!! Arentchasickofem??

Women bishops are on the way, and what better way to bring them in than to start with the Battleaxe-in-chief of the American Episcopalians? Bishop Schori is believed to be female, but when our reporter asked her to "get 'em off and prove it," she was strangely unwilling to comply.



Kieran Conry, Bishop of Arundel and Brighton.

Pope Benedict XVI really hasn't got a clue, has he?

Although technically a Catholic, Kieran Conry has shown such a scepticism about traditional Catholic beliefs and practices that his attitudes are indistinguishable from those of many Anglicans, apart from being even wackier.



Eccles, currently caring for his aunt.

Ullo, has you been saved like me?

A surprise candidate, Eccles is a celebrity blogger who could save the Anglican church. If chosen, he will get rid of the "costume holy man" role of the Archbishop, and insist on cement doves in Canterbury Cathedral.

A new recriut

Bosco and me is very excitted today, as we got an e-mail from Damain Thompson. I will summarize what he said. In case you dont guess, dis is his message in my own words, as dey is easier to understand.

"Dear Bosco and Eccles, I has decided to stop bein a Cathlic, as de arguments from bruvver Bosco is so powerfull dat nobody can resist dem. You may already have geussed dat, since I has stopped postin bloggs on Cathlic issues, and is instead cuttin and pastin silly comments from Twiter about Ruppert Mudroch.

So from now on I is de enemy of Vincent Nickles, Kierran Conray, Arthur Rochhe, and de rest of dem pesky bishops in de Magic Circus. Dat includes Mary O' Conti and de others in Scottland. Dese folk can no longer expect me to say how devout and holly dey is. I has seen thruogh dem. Dey will be cricketised remorzelessly. To start off I is gonna write a blogg on dis controversial topic: 'Kierran Conray wears silly shirts'. I is expectin Paul Preist (On De Side Of De Angles) to come in with 1000 words on dis topic, tellin me I is a fool, but dis is a martydrom dat I must bear.

I aint sure about de Pop yet, I fink I will just tell peeple he is German, dats gonna shock em.

I is also gettin rid of my iddles and relicks, de statue of de Verger Mary have been frown in de bin, dis is what Jessus wants me to do. Also de lock of hare of Pop Jhon-Paul II wot I pinched when nobody was lookin, dat has been fed to de Daley Telegrapph's pet goat.

From now on, I wants to be saved like you, Bosco and Eccles, and I is gonna write a blogg in a totally different style, probbably modellin it on Bosco's luvvly writins.

Of course as a member of de Calumny Chappel I aint gonna stop bein a bloody crazy ferrett, and Pastor Redlight and de others is gonna have to watch out for my feirce condamnations of dere herresies. I only doin it to help save dere soles.

Yours sincerely,
Bruvver Damain of de Calumny Chappel."

So dere we have it. As it says in de Bibble, Rome is de horse of Babbleon, and noboddy can be saved unless dey is born agin.

I will come back to our own personal affairs soon. Here is de sort of service dat awiats Damain now dat he is saved.



And here are de Cathlics expressin dere greif at losin Damain.



Maybe I got de pitchers confussed. Who knows?