Why we hated Pope Benedict

From the desk of the Editor of the Tablet, a formerly Catholic newspaper that's fallen on spiritual hard times.

The staff of the Tablet, welcoming Pope Benedict to Britain.

Isn't it great that we've got rid of Pope Benedict? Now the Catholic Church can be welcoming to other Churches and faiths - even Tabletism itself! You never saw Pope Benedict talking to people of other faiths, did you? But Francis has taken a special interest in us, indeed, he keeps offering to send a team of his finest exorcists to visit us! Lovely man!

Pope Benedict (hiss!) shows his hatred of Muslims.

No, Pope Benedict's own priorities were different. When he'd finished sticking pins into wax images of Rowan Williams, he started talking to the Vatican II-denying Society of St Pius X, which he regarded as his lost sheep. But as we all know, when the Good Shepherd loses a sheep, He doesn't waste time looking for it: what He does is to get another one!

Also... would you believe it... the man re-authorised the celebration of the Tridentine rite! How many people speak Tridentine these days? I certainly don't! Then he imposed an English translation which, although it was more accurate, was severely inadequate. I don't need to explain why, do I? In fact, I'm not sure that I can. Clifford? Hans? Tina? Anyone got any ideas here?

Would anyone seriously look for a lost sheep?

Pope Francis, who now celebrates his first 100 days in office, has had ecumenical discussions with religious leaders worldwide, such as the Chief Moonie, Tom Cruise of the Scientologists, Richard Dawkins, and even the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. He hates the ordinariate, because he knows that it attracts the wrong sort of Catholic - ones loyal to Rome, with orthodox beliefs, who clean their teeth and brush their hair, who don't read the Tablet except to find out what their enemies are up to. The ordinariate is now DOOMED... at least if we can do anything about it!

The Ordinariate - there's a face on that shield, mocking me!

Benedict went out of his way to bully Muslims. Remember the Regensburg rallies he organized in 2006 in order to mock the Prophet? And as a result we saw 9/11, didn't we?

One of the first acts of Pope Francis was to wash the feet of a Muslim woman on Maundy Thursday. And then he gave her a sausage roll. Lovely man! Why he even sent some soap round to the Tablet offices so that I could wash MY feet!

A gift from Pope Francis to Catherine Pepinster.

The hermeneutic of continuity still links the two papacies, but not for much longer! Catholicism is looking to the future again, not to the past (Jesus? Mary? Peter? Don't make me laugh!) This could energise a lot of people whose faith has grown stale.

God energises a Tablet journalist.

For a longer version of this article, see here.

Mystic Dame predicts.

Here at last are Mystic Dame's predictions for the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

Mystic Dame foretells the future.

Who will take over from Patrick Kelly as Archbishop of Liverpool? Well, my sources tell me that someone to watch here is Bishop Richard Williamson. Now that he has left SSPX, he is surely looking to be reconciled with the Catholic Church, and appointing him to Liverpool would be a magnanimous gesture from Pope Francis. I suppose that this name will be unfamiliar to most readers, but I can exclusively reveal that Cardinal Belgrano is expected to take over from Pope Benedict XVI in July 2013, and this is the papal name he will adopt.

St Francis Drake, founder of the Franciscans.

That just leaves Leeds sede vacante in England, after Arthur Roche was sent off to a job in Rome (which, my sources tell me, recently took over from Avignon as the papal headquarters). Well, here I have kept my ear to the ground, and I can exclusively reveal that Fr Tony Flannery, of County Galway, Ireland, is expected to be rewarded with promotion for his consistent pro-life stance.

Out go Arthur's cinnabons, and in comes Tony's potato cake!

But it's not all diocesan appointments in the Catholic Church. A very senior English Catholic - not Vincent Nichols - admitted to me recently that he had taken steps to drive out the Papal Nuncio, Antonio Mennini. He was naturally reluctant to explain how he proposed to do this, but I have been able to work it out for myself. Look at Mennini's photo, below.

Archbishop Mennini - showing signs of polonium poisoning.

Can it be a coincidence that large quantities of polonium have been delivered by lorry to a bishop's residence somewhere in the south of England? I think not.

So suppose that Mennini quits. Who will take his place? Could it be time to give Hans Küng a say in the running of the Church?

Hans is already trying on the traditional Nuncio's hat.

Finally, I foresee that the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality is about to evolve. I think the slogan "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BAD" will be changed to "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BETTER" when we're not looking. A trivial modification, you may say, but I feel that if it happens some people will notice!

Eccles outs himself

Well, it had to come. I couldn't keep my identity secret much longer: one or two people had already begun to guess who "Eccles" was. It's time to confess.

Yes, Eccles is Fr John Zuhlsdorf, priest, blogger, and licensed to kill.

When you think about it, it is obvious that Eccles could be nobody else. Why does Eccles never post comments on Fr Z's blog? Why does Fr Z never mention Eccles? Of course... it's simply modesty.

Look at Fr Z's blog today. You see a brilliant post, asserting that SSPX is setting up an ordinariate for disaffected traddy Catholics. Doesn't the style look familiar?

What the well-dressed priest is packing.

Admittedly, some people thought that "Eccles" was really Damian Thompson, Tina Beattie, Giles Fraser or Richard Dawkins - why else would he give publicity to such obscure individuals? But no, these were merely comic characters introduced to make the blog more spiritually nourishing.

Well, the game is up now, so, apart from reminding you always to Say the Red and Do the Black, and to stock up on Mysterious Monk Coffee, I say goodbye for now.

The ideal gift for a liberal Catholic.

Bishop Williamson founds SS

Bishop Richard Williamson, expelled from the SSPX, today announced the formation of an entirely new religious group, to be called simply "SS."

Bishop Williamson.

"SS" stands for "Society of Saints," although at the moment its membership is cautiously estimated to be approximately 1. When it was pointed out that "SS" was an unfortunate name for his new society, sharing as it does the same brand name as the notorious Schutzstaffel, Bishop Williamson replied "I don't understand what you're talking about. It's only 1912, isn't it? Himmler isn't due to come to power for another 17 years."

Bishop Williamson is furious at his rejection by the SSPX, and added, "I shall be appealing directly to Pope Pius X over this matter." It was pointed out to him that Pius X died in 1914, but he replied "You may believe that, but I tell you it's just a modernist heresy."

Pope St Pius X - expecting a stiff letter of complaint from Williamson.

For a long time, SSPX has been severely embarrassed by the activities of Bishop Williamson. They were hoping to encourage him to retire to Southend-on-Sea, where he could at least use an SS postcode without offending people: as Bishop Bernard Fellay put it: "I would say that Williamson is way beyond Barking."

Barking - Williamson is way beyond this.

Bishop Williamson has expressed himself unhappy with some of the doctrinal theories generally accepted by mainstream SSPX members, whatever their other differences with the Vatican. In particular he is unhappy with the idea that women should be allowed to attend church, or indeed to talk to men in public. "I would have been horrified to think that my own mother was a woman," he said. "I am sure that she was really a man." Bishop Williamson's latest book Virgo Maria - vir aut mulier?takes a whole new look at the mysteries of Jesus's parentage, and comes to the conclusion that there are no women in Heaven.

A woman, so not saved.

We rang Bishop Williamson again this morning, hoping for further information on his future plans, but he was unavailable for comment, having gone to the doctor's with a slight soreness in his arm, caused by excessive saluting.