Mystic Dame predicts.

Here at last are Mystic Dame's predictions for the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

Mystic Dame foretells the future.

Who will take over from Patrick Kelly as Archbishop of Liverpool? Well, my sources tell me that someone to watch here is Bishop Richard Williamson. Now that he has left SSPX, he is surely looking to be reconciled with the Catholic Church, and appointing him to Liverpool would be a magnanimous gesture from Pope Francis. I suppose that this name will be unfamiliar to most readers, but I can exclusively reveal that Cardinal Belgrano is expected to take over from Pope Benedict XVI in July 2013, and this is the papal name he will adopt.

St Francis Drake, founder of the Franciscans.

That just leaves Leeds sede vacante in England, after Arthur Roche was sent off to a job in Rome (which, my sources tell me, recently took over from Avignon as the papal headquarters). Well, here I have kept my ear to the ground, and I can exclusively reveal that Fr Tony Flannery, of County Galway, Ireland, is expected to be rewarded with promotion for his consistent pro-life stance.

Out go Arthur's cinnabons, and in comes Tony's potato cake!

But it's not all diocesan appointments in the Catholic Church. A very senior English Catholic - not Vincent Nichols - admitted to me recently that he had taken steps to drive out the Papal Nuncio, Antonio Mennini. He was naturally reluctant to explain how he proposed to do this, but I have been able to work it out for myself. Look at Mennini's photo, below.

Archbishop Mennini - showing signs of polonium poisoning.

Can it be a coincidence that large quantities of polonium have been delivered by lorry to a bishop's residence somewhere in the south of England? I think not.

So suppose that Mennini quits. Who will take his place? Could it be time to give Hans Küng a say in the running of the Church?

Hans is already trying on the traditional Nuncio's hat.

Finally, I foresee that the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality is about to evolve. I think the slogan "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BAD" will be changed to "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BETTER" when we're not looking. A trivial modification, you may say, but I feel that if it happens some people will notice!

Rebel Catholics meet in Leeds

As reported enthusiastically by The Tablet (a formerly Catholic newspaper), the rebel group "A Call to Action" (ACTA) has taken advantage of the Sede vacante status of the Leeds diocese to occupy Hinsley Hall and preach dissent.

Hinsley Hall. Did ACTA mistake this for the Vatican?

According to the Tablet article, the meeting was organized by Chris Larkman, who lives in FEAR. Said he: "Bishops who are frightened of Rome, laity fearful of priests, priests fearful of bishops. It is not creative and there seems to be a lot of it in the Church."

The reign of terror, stage 1.

The Pope in Rome. If you are a bishop, be VERY afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 2.

A bishop (of sorts). If you are a priest, be EVEN MORE afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 3.

A priest. If you are a layman, why not hide behind the sofa?

Apparently ACTA is calling for better dialogue between bishops and laity on a variety of topics, including "a theology of sexuality more closely rooted in the experiences of the laity." Who knows? Perhaps this means that they will introduce the topic of homosexuality, which after all is NEVER mentioned in Catholic circles.

Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins discuss a theology of sexuality in The Hobbit.

We are relieved to see that Mgr Marcus Stock, the General Secretary of the Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, attended the meeting. Since he is a pillar of orthodoxy (apart from being unable to work out the date of Ascension Day), it is believed that he was alerted when the burglar alarm went off in Hinsley Hall, and he was summoned to investigate. But perhaps he also lives in FEAR. Who knows?

Mgr Stock, evidently afraid of the armed archbishop at his side.

Shocking claim about Sir Jimmy Savile

A new documentary about the late disc jockey and television personality, Sir Jimmy Savile, makes the shocking claim that Sir Jimmy engaged in activities that the BBC would normally condemn in the strongest possible terms. Yes, he was a Catholic.

An incriminating picture of Sir Jimmy and "Keith."

Said a BBC spokesman, "We at the BBC knew nothing of his secret life as a Catholic. We naturally assumed that he was atheist in good standing, otherwise we would never have employed him. But it seems that he got up to some very questionable activities in his spare time."

A model BBC employee.

Details are only now emerging of the sordid lifestyle enjoyed by Sir Jimmy. On a Sunday he would sneak into a sinister building known as a "church," where a man dressed in absurd clothes would conduct a ritual known to the initiated as a "Mass." Sir Jimmy would sometimes take part in carnal pursuits such as the "kiss of peace," and would sing songs with politically incorrect lyrics about some character called "God."

Another model BBC employee.

Sometimes, it is alleged, Sir Jimmy attended a ceremony called "Confession," where he tried to shock another Catholic by relating disgusting stories about his life, in which he had attempted to "Fix it" for many innocent victims.

Rumours that Sir Jimmy was a Catholic began to circulate at the time of his funeral. Said one commentator, "When I saw his coffin being taken into Leeds Cathedral, to be received by a man wearing a funny hat, I knew that something was up."

Sir Jimmy's coffin, being received by a man in a funny hat.

As a result of our investigations, we can confirm that the "man in the funny hat" was none other than "Bishop" Arthur Roche, now believed to be in hiding in Rome. Already, there are calls for Sir Jimmy to be posthumously stripped of his knighthood on account of his Catholic habits. There are many precedents for this, mostly dating from the 16th century.

The Bishop's Letter

Your bishop

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

As you know the Pope has asked me to become the Secretary of the Congregation of Divine Worship and Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome (or Vice-Pope for short), and it is with great reluctance that I am leaving the good people of Leeds for pastures new, when my work is still undone.

The Vatican of the North

The Holy Father was concerned that I might find the Vatican a little claustrophobic, after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, but I told him that we should all be prepared to make sacrifices in order to serve God to the best of our abilities.

My successor as Bishop of Leeds has not yet been appointed, but I shall bequeath to him my collection of padlocks, guaranteed to fit church doors of any size, so that he may continue to close churches in the diocese on a regular basis.

Encouraging local industry in Allerton Bywater

In a spirit of Christian Charity I shall ignore one caustic remark made by Damian Thompson, namely "I hope Gammarelli has stocked up on XXXL archiepiscopal rig..." Although I am no longer the slim and athletic ice-skater that I used to be, my enemies will find that I can still be very slippery on occasion.

A problem in the 2012 CBCEW Ice-Skating Championships

By the way, I still have 5,000 copies of my most recent video nasty, "The Leeds diocese - what can we close next?" in case anyone would like one.

God bless you all.
++ Arthur Roche, Vice-Pope elect.

Saying farewell to the Bishop