A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dawkins

Will nobody say a good word for The God Delusion?

Scroogeard's career was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He had given up biology, a subject at which he was considered to be very capable, in favour of theology, about which he knew almost nothing; as a result, he was reduced to sitting by the fireside all day long, foaming at the mouth, and shouting "Bah! Humbug!" whenever there was any mention of Christianity on the television.

As he sat there watching the BBC's Christmas Special, A Tribute to Jimmy Savile, and reflecting how, by telling the Daily Mailthat bringing children up as Catholics was worse than raping them, it would give him some more column-inches and pay for Lalla's next trip to Gallifrey, the room darkened and a ghostly figure appeared before him.

The Ghost of Christmas Past.

"Hey," said the ghost. "Let's not be formal here. Just call me Tony."

"B-b-b-but you're a Catholic," gasped Scroogeard in terror. "You follow the beliefs of that vile Catholic church. Keep away from me!"

"Let's just say that I've got my own beliefs, and I'm encouraging the Catholic church to follow," said the ghost. It showed Scroogeard a vision of a world run by Blairite Catholics, in which abortion could thrive, and in which religion was gradually sidelined.

The vision faded, and another horrible figure appeared.

The Ghost of Christmas Present.

"Another worshipper of sky fairies!" shuddered Scroogeard. "An Anglican! That's nearly as bad!"

"Don't worry," said the ghost calmly. "The Anglican church does what I say now. If I want women bishops, it will appoint them. But I have an even better scheme, which I'm sure you'll like. Since men and women don't get married very often these days, we're going to insist that men marry men, and women marry women! And, as it says in the Bible, the lion will lie down with the lamb and have its babies, because after all, it has rights like anyone else. If this doesn't get the Catholics screaming, I don't know what will!"

The second vision faded, and Scroogeard, now considerably perked up, awaited to see what horrors lay in the future.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

"But you're not a Christian at all," cried Scroogeard gleefully to the third ghost. "If you come to power, we shall see the triumph of atheism after all! Harriet Harman will rule with an iron rod, we shall become daily ever more equal and diverse, and the Catholic Church and the Church of England will disappear! Oh joy! Oh rapture!"

"Well, not entirely," said the ghost. "We will simply appoint Giles Fraser as Archbishop of Canterbury, and Tina Beattie as Archbishop of Westminster. That way, the churches will be able to move away from God, and be more in step with the great secular adventure."

Scroogeard, overjoyed, rushed into the street, generously showering gifts on all the poor people he met. To Bob Cratchit, whose family had no fuel, he gave a copy of The Blind Watchmaker, which Bob gratefully put on the fire.

But what of poor Tiny Tim, who lay sick in a corner of the room? Why, Scroogeard had a wonderful gift for him too, a copy of The God Delusion.

Yes, it was the biggest turkey they'd ever seen!

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 16

Continued from Chapter 15

1. Thus it came to pass that the second miracle of St Richard was achieved, namely, that a wretched man named O-bam-a was raised unto a second term of office.

2. And Richard was exceeding joyful, and his head began to swell with pride, for he now knew that he possessed powers beyond those of ordinary men.

And lo! The head of Dawkins swelleth with pride and joy.

3. But Richard said in his heart "Alas, I am still not worshipped as I should be, indeed, the man in the street mocketh me and saith 'It seemeth that Dickie is a great buffoon.' Thus I must go on the attack."

4. And it came to pass that the church of England, that which is called the children of Rowan, spake with one voice, saying, "We are not willing to ordain women as bishops."

5. And Richard saw his opportunity, and he went unto a high place, and logged onto Twitter, and spake, saying "The vile RCs will smirk, and they don’t even CONTEMPLATE women bishops."

St Sebastian the vile, a Catholic martyr.

6. But some spake unto Richard, saying "Surely, not all Catholics are vile?"

7. And Richard saw that he had gone too far. So he went to an even higher place, and spake again, saying, "Of course not all Catholics are vile. Their church is."

8. And the people nodded their heads and said, "Ah yes. Richard is not accustomed to making precise statements, or indeed, to thinking logically."

9. "Indeed, it has been said that the organ that produceth his speech is not located in his head, nay, rather, in his lower back."

Lo! The words of Dawkins come from inside his selfish jeans.

10. So all went quiet again, and Richard retired to his room, where the nurses gave him a cup of tea and a sedative, saying "There, there, dear," which is to say "What a silly old man this is."

11. But then a month passed, and a man came to Dawkins from the Daily Mail, saying unto him, "It is nearly Christmas. Say something silly that we may put in our newspaper."

12. For the Daily Mail is a barren organ, which specialiseth in photographs of actresses with "baby bumps" and celebrities in short skirts, especially them that suffer from a "wardrobe malfunction."

A wardrobe malfunction, but not worthy of the Daily Mail.

13. So Richard went up to a yet higher place, and repeated the words that he had uttered in his books: Being raised Catholic is worse than child abuse.

14. Thereupon, some people said, "Alas, the old fool hath escaped from custody again!"

15. But there were others that hearkened unto his words, saying. "This is a man of great wisdom; it is true that his words do emanate from an unusual part of his body, but what can this be but another miracle?"

16. And they that dwell in Scotland Yard, whose every word is "Hello, hello, hello. What's all this then?" took note of the words of Richard, and spake, as follows:

Carry on with the service, Father, but don't say anything Catholic.

17. "Behold, this Jimmy Savile scandal isn't so important after all. It matters not that every third employee of the BBC is a pervert or a rapist. There are bigger fish to fry."

18. "For these evils are less than the greatest evil of all, which is to teach a child that Jesus died for his sins, that he should love God, and that he should love his neighbour."

19. "Nay, the truth is that he should love Dawkins with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his mind; then he should love himself. On these two commandments hang all the lore and the profits that Dawkins maketh."

20. And Richard laughed all the way to the bank, saying "Ho, ho, ho!" For it was nearly Christmas.

Continued in Chapter 17.

Zany new BBC3 comedies

BBC3 has announced the production of a new situation comedy Way to go, which explores the hilarious, zany world of assisted suicide. Of this, Zai Bennett, Controller, BBC Three, says: "Bob Kushell’s scripts are in turn dark, poignant, absurd, moving and brilliant. But mostly they are very, very funny."

We asked what other programmes were in the BBC3 pipeline, and obtained some hilarious answers.

Seeing the lighter side of Jimmy Savile's crimes.

One "very, very funny" comedy that BBC3 is pleased to add to its portfolio is Lucky Jim, which explores the lighter side of child abuse. A BBC3 spokesman commented, "Our writer has come up with another brilliant comedy in the tradition of Swift, Wilde and Wodehouse; we see his main character, Jim, getting involved in a succession of hilarious sex romps!"

Another rib-tickling show that is sure to go down well is Yes, sir, that's my baby, set in an abortion clinic. This is guaranteed to provide "a laugh a minute!" Think of Fawlty Towers, but with the hotel replaced by a clinic, and with Basil replaced by a comic surgeon!

Ahoy there, Shipman!

We are also looking forward to Ahoy there, Shipman! and Go, West! in which the fun-filled murders of Harold Shipman and Fred West are recreated in a brilliant series of giggle-packed scripts, which will have you rolling in the aisles. We are hoping that the "alternative" comedian (the sort you don't expect to laugh at) Ricky Gervais will agree to take the part of Harold Shipman.

You'll also be chuckling at Mum, I'm starving!, which is another BBC3 flagship comedy, set in the West African famine. With a galaxy of guest stars appearing - and disappearing - every week!

Hans and Helmut.

Finally, BBC3 goes into comedy territory that has never been fully explored, as it broadcasts Arbeit Macht Frei, starring Hans and Helmut, two lovable concentration camp guards who seem to be having trouble with their gas chambers. It's described as "a brilliant double act worthy of the Two Ronnies!"

Yes, in these days of alternative comedy, it is now BBC3 that leads the world, bringing us hours of fun-filled viewing, as they encourage us to laugh at topics that were previously off-limits, and which might even have been found upsetting by sensitive viewers (ridiculous, eh?)

Honours flood in for Giles Fraser

After his wonderful Hero of the Year award from Stonewall - their most coveted award actually going to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for his defence of traditional marriage - other distinguished organizations have rushed to honour the BBC's Giles Fraser.

Giles Fraser: "Totally and utterly delighted, proud and made up."

First off the mark was the Dawkins Foundation, which, in awarding Fraser their Atheist of the year medal, explained, "Whenever Giles opens his mouth on Thought for the Day, hundreds of Christians either shoot themselves, or turn atheist. Seeing a priest of the Established Church whose religious beliefs are so vague does wonders for our cause."

"Dear Dr Fraser, you've probably never heard of me, but I am a great admirer of yours."

Another, less welcome, tribute came in from the Jimmy Savile Fan Club, whose motto is Nunc tunc, nunc tunc (Now then, now then!) "Were Jimmy alive today," they said, "we are sure that he would be an admirer of Giles Fraser. Dr Fraser is one of the stars of the BBC."

Jimmy Savile, himself, was willing to mix with the dregs of society.

Finally, the Society of Saint Judas Iscariot (SSJI), a breakaway Christian sect which believes that Judas should not be blamed, as he was only doing God's will, has also paid tribute to Giles Fraser. "He's only doing God's will," they said today.

Judas, a regular speaker on Thought for the Day.

Why can't the churches do as I say?

For those who missed Tim Montgomerie's Times article No palace, no politics. Just Christian teaching (which is most people, as you would probably need to pay to read it), here is a summarised version.

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One reason I became a Christian, at the age of 36, was the writings of C.S. Lewis. I was reading this very exciting story about a lion, a witch and a wardrobe, and it was explained to me that Aslan was just another name for God. Since I adore big cats, I knew that a religion which worshipped a lion was just the one for me.

Aslan. The Bible says that Jesus was incarnated as a lion.

Nowadays, I think the churches have lost their way. They are trying to give a moral lead, and to obstruct policies agreed by democratically-elected politicians. They hardly ever sit down to any serious lion-worshipping.

However, now that a new Archbishop of Canterbury is to be appointed, it is a great opportunity for all the churches to get back to basics. Here are my plans for the Church of England: I am sure that the Catholics, the Muslims, and the Jews (etc.) will immediately follow suit. After all, as far as I can tell, they all believe roughly the same things.

Sell off the churches for affordable starter homes and all-night supermarkets. This is what the country needs now, not a building for people to gather in and think subversive thoughts.

St Paul's - would be much more useful as another branch of Tesco's.

A total reorganization of church services. My researches have shown that priests are unnecessary, since it does not require special training for someone to read out a few prayers. Moreover, churches should be a forum for discussion, taking the House of Commons as a model.

The liturgy should be amended according to the needs of the day. For example, the words Gloria in Excelsis Deo or "Glory to God in the Highest" should be a motion for debate, and not to be taken for granted. In a pilot scheme, we found that a focus group preferred to amend this to Habe bonum diem, Deus or "Have a nice day, God," a motion which was then passed by a two-thirds majority.

Aslan, having a nice day.

Don't try and give a moral lead. Luckily, the main Christian churches have more-or-less dropped the idea of making moral judgements, but a few rogue bishops and archbishops will insist on talking about sex. I have read "The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe," and I can assure you that Aslan never talks about sex.

The more libertarian approach adopted by the BBC seems to work very well. There's this chap called Savile who's been in the news recently: I haven't kept up with the full story here, but all I'm saying is, why can't the churches follow his example and stop treating sexual activity as something that should only take place in private?

Confession. Once the government has been allowed to take over the churches, Confession will operate as it does in police stations - a priest with a truncheon will hit the penitent sinner until he or she confesses their sins.

A really interesting Confession, requiring four priests for Absolution.

Vestments. Again, these are unnecessary in the modern era. The churches should take their lead from politicians, and dress simply.

"Here comes the bride," a humble politician in simple dress.

I trust that my words of advice will be taken up by the people in authority. Times are changing, and the churches need to change too, or they will become places where only the religious-minded will feel at home. Next week, I'll be giving more details of my plans to make divine worship conform to a proper business model.

Inside a mosque. But wouldn't it be more businesslike with computers, filing cabinets, and proper office furniture?

Nobel prizes awarded

Warning: not much spiritual nourishment today.

Sir Jimmy Savile, posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize

It was announced today that the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to the late Sir Jimmy Savile, who "fixed it" for so many people. Said a spokesman, "We had a strong field this year, and we also shortlisted Abu Hamza, the BBC, the EU, and President Chávez. But in the end, Sir Jimmy was the unanimous choice of the committee.

President Ahmadinejad blames the Jews for his omission yet again.

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Gordon Brown, Nobel Prize for Economics

The Nobel Prize for Economics has gone to Gordon Brown, who saved the world (and most of the rest of the solar system) in such a spectacular fashion a few years ago. It was thought by some that the prize should instead be awarded to the Greek nation as a whole, but in the end Brown was the one to receive the honour. When asked how he would spend the money, he replied that he was thinking of throwing it down the drain in order to stimulate neo-endogenous growth, but for the moment what he needed was to lie down in a darkened room.

The people of Greece show how they lost their entire savings on a horse..

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Herman van Rompuy listens to Lady Gaga.

The EU hit the jackpot, however, when the Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded. Said a spokesman for the awarding body: "The EU's annual accounts are the most hilarious work of fiction that we've ever read. The story of how they donated 2000 billion euros to the Hydrophobian flobble-fruit farmers, without even realising that there is no such country as Hydrophobia, or anything called a flobble-fruit, is up there with the work of Swift and Voltaire. And they pretend all along that they are being serious."

Jeffrey Archer was unavailable for comment. Well, to be honest, we didn't ask him.

Louise Mensch, author of "She gave up Corby for love," had also been tipped.

Dawkins arrests BBC Director-General

George Entwistle, now in custody at Dawkins Abbey.

It has just been announced that Richard Dawkins, the famous zoologist, theologian and guardian of Britain's morals, has succeeded in arresting George Entwistle, the Director-General of the BBC. Said Professor Dawkins: "I was unsuccessful in my attempt to arrest Pope Benedict XVI two years ago, because he was too well guarded, but I have managed to apprehend George Entwistle, and this has stimulated a hormonal rush inside my organism - in layman's terms it may be described as saying that I am over the Moon."

The Director-General's Soapmobile, as seen in one of the BBC's long-running soaps.

Mr Entwistle was apparently captured when he made a rare public appearance without the protection of his "Soapmobile." Professor Dawkins went on to explain that he was automatically assumed to take full responsibility for the Jimmy Savile affair, whether or not the allegations were substantiated, and whether or not he was in charge at the time. "The BBC is Institutionally Rapist," explained the learned professor, "and the man at the top must take responsibility. It is disgraceful that an institution such as the British Broadcasting Church, which provides moral guidance to the public, should be engaged in a massive cover-up."

George Entwistle is now locked up in Dawkins Abbey, where he is being tormented by endless readings from The God Delusion. It is believed that Amnesty International regards this as a cruel and unusual punishment, and will campaign for Entwistle's early release.

Jimmy Savile, a C*th*l*c, on "Top of the Popes."

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Eric Hobgoblin - a nation mourns

Eric Honecker Hobgoblin.

In other news, the nation is grief-stricken to hear of the death of Professor Eric Hobgoblin, the brilliant Marxist historian, whose defence of communism was so compelling that he became a Companion of Honour. He is now best remembered for his monumental books, which include:

The Gulag, which explains how Stalin's Holiday Camps attracted many visitors and influenced Sir Billy Butlin;

The knock on the door at 4 a.m., telling how the Russian police were the finest in the world, and could be relied upon 24/7; and

Famine - is it all bad? - a discussion of Stalin's pioneering agricultural techniques.

Have you read Hobgoblin's latest, Comrade Roosevelt?

Shocking claim about Sir Jimmy Savile

A new documentary about the late disc jockey and television personality, Sir Jimmy Savile, makes the shocking claim that Sir Jimmy engaged in activities that the BBC would normally condemn in the strongest possible terms. Yes, he was a Catholic.

An incriminating picture of Sir Jimmy and "Keith."

Said a BBC spokesman, "We at the BBC knew nothing of his secret life as a Catholic. We naturally assumed that he was atheist in good standing, otherwise we would never have employed him. But it seems that he got up to some very questionable activities in his spare time."

A model BBC employee.

Details are only now emerging of the sordid lifestyle enjoyed by Sir Jimmy. On a Sunday he would sneak into a sinister building known as a "church," where a man dressed in absurd clothes would conduct a ritual known to the initiated as a "Mass." Sir Jimmy would sometimes take part in carnal pursuits such as the "kiss of peace," and would sing songs with politically incorrect lyrics about some character called "God."

Another model BBC employee.

Sometimes, it is alleged, Sir Jimmy attended a ceremony called "Confession," where he tried to shock another Catholic by relating disgusting stories about his life, in which he had attempted to "Fix it" for many innocent victims.

Rumours that Sir Jimmy was a Catholic began to circulate at the time of his funeral. Said one commentator, "When I saw his coffin being taken into Leeds Cathedral, to be received by a man wearing a funny hat, I knew that something was up."

Sir Jimmy's coffin, being received by a man in a funny hat.

As a result of our investigations, we can confirm that the "man in the funny hat" was none other than "Bishop" Arthur Roche, now believed to be in hiding in Rome. Already, there are calls for Sir Jimmy to be posthumously stripped of his knighthood on account of his Catholic habits. There are many precedents for this, mostly dating from the 16th century.