Dawkins arrests BBC Director-General

George Entwistle, now in custody at Dawkins Abbey.

It has just been announced that Richard Dawkins, the famous zoologist, theologian and guardian of Britain's morals, has succeeded in arresting George Entwistle, the Director-General of the BBC. Said Professor Dawkins: "I was unsuccessful in my attempt to arrest Pope Benedict XVI two years ago, because he was too well guarded, but I have managed to apprehend George Entwistle, and this has stimulated a hormonal rush inside my organism - in layman's terms it may be described as saying that I am over the Moon."

The Director-General's Soapmobile, as seen in one of the BBC's long-running soaps.

Mr Entwistle was apparently captured when he made a rare public appearance without the protection of his "Soapmobile." Professor Dawkins went on to explain that he was automatically assumed to take full responsibility for the Jimmy Savile affair, whether or not the allegations were substantiated, and whether or not he was in charge at the time. "The BBC is Institutionally Rapist," explained the learned professor, "and the man at the top must take responsibility. It is disgraceful that an institution such as the British Broadcasting Church, which provides moral guidance to the public, should be engaged in a massive cover-up."

George Entwistle is now locked up in Dawkins Abbey, where he is being tormented by endless readings from The God Delusion. It is believed that Amnesty International regards this as a cruel and unusual punishment, and will campaign for Entwistle's early release.

Jimmy Savile, a C*th*l*c, on "Top of the Popes."

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Eric Hobgoblin - a nation mourns

Eric Honecker Hobgoblin.

In other news, the nation is grief-stricken to hear of the death of Professor Eric Hobgoblin, the brilliant Marxist historian, whose defence of communism was so compelling that he became a Companion of Honour. He is now best remembered for his monumental books, which include:

The Gulag, which explains how Stalin's Holiday Camps attracted many visitors and influenced Sir Billy Butlin;

The knock on the door at 4 a.m., telling how the Russian police were the finest in the world, and could be relied upon 24/7; and

Famine - is it all bad? - a discussion of Stalin's pioneering agricultural techniques.

Have you read Hobgoblin's latest, Comrade Roosevelt?

Rational Observations

This blog has been accused of pushing a strong pro-Christian line, and so, to redress the balance, we have a guest blogger today, Mr Rational Observations.

Our guest blogger, sunbathing

The Bible is all fiction

I have studied the Bible for over 60 years, and all the evidence indicates that it is a complete work of fantasy, possibly composed by the Emperor Nero, the celebrity violinist who founded the Christian religion as we now know it.

To take an example at random: the character Moses is obviously fictional, and nothing but a corrupted form of the name Mo-hammed which, as I have discovered in my detailed researches, is a name known to Islamic scholars.

The Bible is full of historical errors; for example, we are asked to believe that Joseph was the son of Israel alias Jacob, and wore a coat of many colours; but when we next see him, betrothed to Mary, the coat is never mentioned, and several hundred years seem to have passed.

The husband of Mary?

Likewise, King Saul is supposed to be killed at Mount Gilboa, but guess what, he pops up again, alive, on the road to Damascus, and tries to fool us by changing his name to Paul. I have made a detailed study of Biblical names, and if Saul can be called Paul, then why isn't Solomon ever called Polomon? Even the Pope cannot answer that.

There is no historical evidence outside the Bible for the existence of any of the following in the 1st century AD: Jerusalem, the Emperor Caesar Augustus, sheep, or the Sea of Galilee. Well, I couldn't find any.

A mythical beast, as unreal as a unicorn or dragon

Christ's message of repression

Well, having disposed of the Bible, let's turn to the record of Christianity throughout the ages. Jesus Christ, who never existed by the way, had this message: I came not to send peace, but the sword (Matthew 10:34, in reality written by a bronze-age goatherd called Umbog the Deranged, but that's another story).

Over the years, Christians have seen their mission as one of death and slaughter. Hitler was a pious Catholic, who spent his summers in a monastery near Munich, reciting the Rosary. Stalin was a Russian Orthodox monk, sent out by his abbot to cause as much mayhem as possible - I have discovered that Stalin was not his real name, but the Vatican canonized him as St Alin, because he served their evil purposes so well. Mao was a Christian (his name is another version of "Moses"), who would have spent his life as a humble restaurant-manager, serving Set Meals for 4 with Fried Rice, if he had not been corrupted by fanatical missionaries.

The Baptism of Mao

The Death of Christianity

Luckily, the cult of Christianity is dying out. The churches are empty, and the Pope is reduced to employing actors to make the buildings seem used. Look at the picture below, alleged to show crowds in St Peter's Square, Rome.

A forged picture

But St Peter's Square isn't even in Rome, it's in Manchester, so no doubt the crowds were Manchester United supporters.

Proof that St Peter's Square isn't in Rome

"Saint" Peter was another of these shifty Biblical characters who changed their names. As a long-time scholar of the Bible I can reveal that his real name was Simon. But then lots of people in the Bible are called Simon - it's a corruption of "Someone," meaning that the writer doesn't have any concrete evidence for the existence of the person in question.

Thank goodness that the Queen herself is a committed atheist, who reads the works of Polly Toynbee in the bath (I have photographic evidence of this, but I choose not to publish it, as it would embarrass Her Majesty). But she is forced to pay lip-service to Christianity if she doesn't want to be executed like so many of her ancestors.

Her Majesty the Queen, a confirmed atheist

Prince Charles, describing himself as "Defender of all faiths," is waiting for the Queen's demise so that he can declare himself to be a rationalist, secularist and humanist. Prince William? Well he is a young man, and we can safely assume that he too is an atheist. Nowadays religious delusion is confined to the over-80s, most of whom are suffering from senile decay. Indeed, statistics show that over 98% in the under-40 age group have missed Mass on at least one Sunday in the last 10 years. Which proves my case.

I would like to express my thanks to Eccles for allowing me to put the record straight. May Polly bless you. R.O.

Dat sockpoppet relligion

My grate-anti Moly says dat sockpoppetry is a Cathlic fing, and so Bosco sent me to a Cathlic mass to see if dat was reely the case.

So I went incoggnito to de church of de Sacrred Socks of St Micheal. I was met by a saintly pollite courtoeus man who gave me a hynm book, and said he was a laywer who worked for de internattional firm of Cutley, Butley and Mutley. He asked me a strange quetsion, viz, "How manny poeple is you gonna be todday?" Dat's odd. Usaully when we goes into de Calumny Chappel dey asks a much simpler quetsion, viz, "Is you saved, bruvver?"

I went into de churhc, and de service was given by a costume holly man who said he was de Bishopp of Bennidrom. He startted de Mass, although he went off to de vesttry after a while, probbably to kiss an iddle. Dis is a pitcher of de Bishopp of Bennidrom.



Later on I remmember a disgustin old lady takin de collecttion, carryin a broom stick wiv which she kept hittin poeple. She was wearin a pointy hat and looked just like my Anti Moly. Anuvver person I spotted in de church was bein a bit of a trubble-maker, frankly. When one of de costume holly men said "Lift up your hearts," he said "No I won't. ROFL." Then when de preist said "The Mass is ended, go in peace," de man said "No it isn't. No I won't. Twist and Shout."

To my astonnishment at the end of de Mass I realissed dat de laywer, de bishopp, de old lady and de trubble-maker was all de same person. In fact, thinkin about it I now realises dat nearly everryone in de churhc had bin goin out and comin in in different disgiuses (dere was annuvver one who dressed up as Stallin, den he came back wavin a cricket batt, dat confussed me, as we doesnt have dem in de Calumny Chappel, if we needs to chasstise kids we uses baseball bats).

Dey explaned it to me dat since God is 3 pussons (de Trinnity), de Cathlics fink dat dey shuold also be 3 pussons as well. My Anti is certianly wanted by de cops in Enggland, Austriala and de USA under de names of Judy, Alfie and Moly, so I asked her if she was plannin to become a Cathlic. Now I got her flase teef embedded in my leg, dat probbably means no.

I luvs my dere Anti so here is a new photto of her.

Conservations in hopsital

Well, floods of messagges for Bosco has bin commin in from well-wishers. Indeed, de Calumny Chappel had a collection for a pressent for him, and raised 35 cents and ten rossary beads as a token of de respeck dey has for him. Here is my big bruvver manfully bearin up in de face of de wuonds inflicted on him by de nunns.



Well Bosco is bein kept under seddation, and in de hopsital dey is asked not to mention de followin prhases, which sets him off:

* Cathlics.
* De Pop.
* Cemment iddles.
* Bosco's scarlet and purple pajamas.
* Gold cups.
* Gravven images.
* St Mary.
* St Peter.
* Love de neihgbour.
* Well, anything at all religious, reely.

Bosco have become very dificult to talk to, because he aint very well. When I starts a conservation he dont listen, but just reeches for his iPadd and starts downloadin wise words from the Internett in responsse. For example.

Eccles: De Telegrahp wants de stateu of St Cristina back dat you won as a prize, Bosco, dey sez dey sent de wrong one, dat one was kissed by Damain Thopmson, and have been pinin for him ever since, I'll git it wraped up and sent off when I gits home.

Bosco (reading): We can reveel dat World War II was started by Pop Pious 12, cos he wanted to send his tanks into Russia, after Stallin had taken over his drugg business. At de same time in Enggland Carddinal Hinsley sent a hit squad to Irreland to murder de poet W.B. Yates.

Eccles: Dat's nice, Bosco. Anti Moly's got aressted for screemin in a graveyard at midnihgt, even thuogh it's part of her job. Some of de corppses fought it was de Last Trumpp and started poppin up. De cops releesed her, but dey told her to give up de gin and said dat sherry mihgt be better at her age.

Bosco (reading): We can recognisse de Anti Christ cos in de Bibble it is prediccted dat he will come from Germanny and have de initials JR. He will later adopt a false name beginnin with B and go and live in Rome, he will wear a fishy hat and someone will giv him a pair of red shoes. When he appears rememmber to put on cleen underware as de battle of Armagibbon will be startin.

Eccles: Foine, dat's foine, Bosco. Damain Thopmson sez dat Proffesor Tina Beattie is gonna lecher on Lummen Genttium in a catheddral, woss Lummen Genttium Bosco is it some sort of French perfumme?

Bosco (readin): It wasnt until 2008 dat de Cathlic church stopped burnin poeple who didnt buy a cement iddle to put in dere huose to worshipp. It is a scientiffic fact dat de averagge hieght of de humman race has gone down since 1992, when de Cathlic church stopped stretchin poeple on de rack. Stepphen Fry says dat he was origginally only about 5 feet tall but he was torchered on de rack as a young man because he owned a Bibble and now he is 6 feet 5 inches tall.

Eccles: Oh I gives up.

I would ask my bruvver Bosco's advise on dis pitcher of an iddle but he is indispossed at pressent.



Perrhaps he will soon be abble to take his rihgtful place in soceity agin.