Vinston Nichill to appear on £5 note

The Bank of England has announced that Archbishop Vinston Nichill of Westminster, who led England and Wales to victory against the forces of modernism and secularism during the dark days of 2013, is to appear on the new £5 note.

"I have nothing to offer..."

Sir Mervyn King, governor of the Bank, announced the plan today. From 2016, Nichill will be portrayed on the £5 note along with a picture of Westminster, the scene of so many of his triumphs.

It is expected that people will soon start to refer to the £5 note as "Nichols," which is, curiously, how Americans refer to their 5-cent coin. It is believed that the two will soon be worth roughly the same.

Mervyn King went on to hint that other church leaders may feature on future banknotes. "Welby, Sacks, ... why even Kieran Conry or Giles Fraser could be chosen!" he quipped.

Vinston Nichill himself received the news humbly: "In the battle for a red hat, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

Happy citizens in Warwick Street, the scene of one of Vinston's greatest triumphs.

Dawkins arrests BBC Director-General

George Entwistle, now in custody at Dawkins Abbey.

It has just been announced that Richard Dawkins, the famous zoologist, theologian and guardian of Britain's morals, has succeeded in arresting George Entwistle, the Director-General of the BBC. Said Professor Dawkins: "I was unsuccessful in my attempt to arrest Pope Benedict XVI two years ago, because he was too well guarded, but I have managed to apprehend George Entwistle, and this has stimulated a hormonal rush inside my organism - in layman's terms it may be described as saying that I am over the Moon."

The Director-General's Soapmobile, as seen in one of the BBC's long-running soaps.

Mr Entwistle was apparently captured when he made a rare public appearance without the protection of his "Soapmobile." Professor Dawkins went on to explain that he was automatically assumed to take full responsibility for the Jimmy Savile affair, whether or not the allegations were substantiated, and whether or not he was in charge at the time. "The BBC is Institutionally Rapist," explained the learned professor, "and the man at the top must take responsibility. It is disgraceful that an institution such as the British Broadcasting Church, which provides moral guidance to the public, should be engaged in a massive cover-up."

George Entwistle is now locked up in Dawkins Abbey, where he is being tormented by endless readings from The God Delusion. It is believed that Amnesty International regards this as a cruel and unusual punishment, and will campaign for Entwistle's early release.

Jimmy Savile, a C*th*l*c, on "Top of the Popes."

---

Eric Hobgoblin - a nation mourns

Eric Honecker Hobgoblin.

In other news, the nation is grief-stricken to hear of the death of Professor Eric Hobgoblin, the brilliant Marxist historian, whose defence of communism was so compelling that he became a Companion of Honour. He is now best remembered for his monumental books, which include:

The Gulag, which explains how Stalin's Holiday Camps attracted many visitors and influenced Sir Billy Butlin;

The knock on the door at 4 a.m., telling how the Russian police were the finest in the world, and could be relied upon 24/7; and

Famine - is it all bad? - a discussion of Stalin's pioneering agricultural techniques.

Have you read Hobgoblin's latest, Comrade Roosevelt?