Pope objects to new statues

Following the news that Pope Francis has objected to a statue of himself in Brazil, it is thought that other statues of the Holy Father will also have to be taken down.

Mount Rushmore honours Pope Francis.

In the United States, a hastily-constructed statue of Pope Francis, to replace that of one of the Presidents ("we're not sure who he is, but he isn't Washington or Lincoln, so he probably wasn't important"), is likely to be demolished. President Obama is already offering himself as a replacement.

Notre Dame honours Pope Francis.

Likewise, at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, it is thought that replacing the head of the martyred St Denis by that of Pope Francis was in somewhat bad taste.

One major religious figure who is very happy to have statues of himself all over the world is of course Hans Küng; however, he regards himself as more than a mere president or saint, and is negotiating with the Brazilian authorities to take his place on a very famous statue indeed.

Küng the Redeemer.

Obama solves the Irish question

There was excellent news in Northern Ireland this week, when Barack Obama, a retired lawyer now holding an administrative job in Washington, announced the solution to the Irish question, which has evaded the greatest minds for over 200 years (or 500 years, by some accounts).

Now, are you guys Protestant Muslims or Catholic Muslims?

Said the sage of Honolulu: If Catholics have their schools and buildings, and Protestants have theirs ... that encourages division.

Lord Bannside and Martin McGuinness agree on something - that Obama is a complete fool.

Thus, in brief, the Obama plan for peace is as follows:

1. Catholics and Protestants to combine their church schools
and teach exactly the same thing. 
2. Catholics and Protestants to share churches and have joint 
services.
3. Well, actually, the POTUS would like all churches to close.
4. Obama to become Pope and Moderator of the Free Presbyterian 
Church of Ulster. 
5. Catholics and Protestants to stop complaining about Obama's 
support of wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.
6. Not to mention abortion, same-sex marriage, etc.

We need more "Star Wars" Masses and fewer "Jesus Christ" services!

Obama later clarified his position: "Religion is fine by me, really, provided that you don't let it affect your behaviour. Model your conduct on that of my great friends Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi - they're pious, devout and humble Catholics, but also powerful voices against religion!"

"And you can take that cross down, for a start!"

Having solved the Irish question, Obama is moving onto the Middle East, where his simple recipe for peace will be: Why not just combine Islam and Judaism into one faith, and call it Judlam? Or better still, join the Catestants and Protholics and make one big religion called Obaminanity?

Finally, Obama faces his biggest challenge of all, to bring reconciliation between God and the Devil.

The Apocalypse. Could it be averted if God and Satan agree to worship Obama?

Exodus

So we reach Chapter 2 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who hasn't yet got the hang of it. We started with Genesis, remember.

Our story resumes in Egypt.

In fact I have already been condemned for heresy for not explaining carefully enough about scriptures being divinely inspired, etc., but let's continue to dumb down slightly and get to the story, which is a cracking good read.

Now, we're going to see a lot of miracles in this chapter: burning bushes, plagues, and the parting of the Red Sea, for starters. You atheists are naturally a little unhappy with this: we don't know what the laws of physics actually are, but whatever they are, we mustn't break them. It's a bit like most modern legislation in fact - is it legal to upset a police dog by saying "Miaouw" to it? But I digress...

An upset police dog.

Still, if God exists then He can certainly break the laws of physics. But if He doesn't, then He can't. We'll see more of this later.

Now if you've been paying attention, you'll realise that the Israelites are very important in the Bible, and the first part of Exodus is all about how Moses helps them escape from the dangers of life in Egypt, and head off towards the promised land.

Moses (R) observes the dangers of life in Egypt.

Their way out of Egypt is blocked by water; Moses parts the Red Sea and the Israelites escape. Now, Richard, before you say "Pshaw! An invisible god that we don't understand causing the sea to move. How can that be?" (you were going to say that, weren't you?) let me point out that the tides you take for granted already cause the sea to move by an invisible force - gravity - that we don't understand, even if we have some equations to describe its action.

If I told you that the moon was somehow involved, would you believe me?

Now, Moses is going to have some interesting times in the desert. There's this business of the Ten Commandments, for starters (these will also turn up in Deuteronomy, with a slightly different wording). I'm sure you'd agree with some of them - if you get a reputation for killing, telling lies and stealing they're not going to invite you to prestigious international conferences, are they, Richard? Although if your killing is restricted to young babies, then President Obama will bless you, if that's what you'd like.

Bowing down to worship idols (even rabbits) is also a no-no.

Anyway, God sets up a covenant with Moses and the Israelites. Arguably, this is the third covenant we've seen so far, as there were previous (less detailed) deals cut with Noah and Abraham. However, this is the most significant, and says that if the Israelites behave themselves, then they will be God's special people. Until Jesus comes along to upset the apple-cart, this is what people will be mostly working with.

The rest of Exodus is mainly concerned with constructing a tabernacle, regarded as a place where God can dwell. You're going to have trouble with this, Richard, as obviously if God exists then He is close to us everywhere, but it's useful to have a particular holy place to focus on.

Moses, you will also need a hammer, a Phillips screwdriver, and a lot of faith.

So we're rapidly approaching the end of Book 2 of the Bible, and I think I've picked out some of the more important bits for you. What comes next is Leviticus, in which there's a lot less action, and a lot more in the way of rules and regulations, but let's finish with another action photo from the earlier part of Exodus.

An Egyptian conference on Anura zoology.

Eccles in New York

I is makin a visit to New York, which is where my bruvver Bosco been hidin recently - de UK aint reely welcomin to poeple wiv his unique tallents. Since my camerra got broken I has had to steel some phottos off de Internet.

I saw dis in de Musuem of Modern Art. It's a man listenin to Paul Inwood's music.

I will try and concentrate on de more spiritaully nuorishin sights dat Bosco and me has seen. New York is of course de place where Cradinal Dollan hangs out, and here is a photto of dis well-nuorished man.

"Joe Biden says he's a pious Cathlic."

Actaully de St Patrick Cathedral is all covered in scaffoldin right now, as de masonry became unsafe when Cradinal Dollan conducted a funeral there and started laughin thunderuosly. But here is a pitcher of what it looks like normally.

St Patrick's Cathedral before de Cradinal luaghed.

I went to de Holy Innocents church, West 37th Street. Bosco aint very good at countin, so we took a hymn book wiv us to help us work out where 37 is rellative to de uvver nubmers. Anyway, at dis church dey had a Tridentin Mass. Lattin Masses is very useful in a city where de local vernacooler aint easy to understand. Dere was a parallel translatoin into New Yorkan, which was all about de Lord bein a cool dud wot kicks ass: dat must be de time when He rode into Jerussalem on Plam Sunday.

For de non-Cathlics dere is plenty of uvver churches. My bruvver Bosco's spiritaul needs is very simple so we went to Times Square and participated in a Calumny Chappel service.

Eccles and Bosco sings "We is saved pussons" in Times Square.

De one disappiontment so far is de Statue of Libberty, which aint as impressive as poeple finks. It's de same probblem wiv de little mermaid in Copenhaggen, dey needs to get a big mermaid.

Statue of Libberty. Dis iddle punched Bosco when he kissed it.

Well, dat's enuogh suovenirs of New York. Wot shall I blogg on next? De world aint been doin much dat's very eddifyin, just now, has it?

Annuvver luvvly paintin from de Musuem. Is dey saved pussons?

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 16

Continued from Chapter 15

1. Thus it came to pass that the second miracle of St Richard was achieved, namely, that a wretched man named O-bam-a was raised unto a second term of office.

2. And Richard was exceeding joyful, and his head began to swell with pride, for he now knew that he possessed powers beyond those of ordinary men.

And lo! The head of Dawkins swelleth with pride and joy.

3. But Richard said in his heart "Alas, I am still not worshipped as I should be, indeed, the man in the street mocketh me and saith 'It seemeth that Dickie is a great buffoon.' Thus I must go on the attack."

4. And it came to pass that the church of England, that which is called the children of Rowan, spake with one voice, saying, "We are not willing to ordain women as bishops."

5. And Richard saw his opportunity, and he went unto a high place, and logged onto Twitter, and spake, saying "The vile RCs will smirk, and they don’t even CONTEMPLATE women bishops."

St Sebastian the vile, a Catholic martyr.

6. But some spake unto Richard, saying "Surely, not all Catholics are vile?"

7. And Richard saw that he had gone too far. So he went to an even higher place, and spake again, saying, "Of course not all Catholics are vile. Their church is."

8. And the people nodded their heads and said, "Ah yes. Richard is not accustomed to making precise statements, or indeed, to thinking logically."

9. "Indeed, it has been said that the organ that produceth his speech is not located in his head, nay, rather, in his lower back."

Lo! The words of Dawkins come from inside his selfish jeans.

10. So all went quiet again, and Richard retired to his room, where the nurses gave him a cup of tea and a sedative, saying "There, there, dear," which is to say "What a silly old man this is."

11. But then a month passed, and a man came to Dawkins from the Daily Mail, saying unto him, "It is nearly Christmas. Say something silly that we may put in our newspaper."

12. For the Daily Mail is a barren organ, which specialiseth in photographs of actresses with "baby bumps" and celebrities in short skirts, especially them that suffer from a "wardrobe malfunction."

A wardrobe malfunction, but not worthy of the Daily Mail.

13. So Richard went up to a yet higher place, and repeated the words that he had uttered in his books: Being raised Catholic is worse than child abuse.

14. Thereupon, some people said, "Alas, the old fool hath escaped from custody again!"

15. But there were others that hearkened unto his words, saying. "This is a man of great wisdom; it is true that his words do emanate from an unusual part of his body, but what can this be but another miracle?"

16. And they that dwell in Scotland Yard, whose every word is "Hello, hello, hello. What's all this then?" took note of the words of Richard, and spake, as follows:

Carry on with the service, Father, but don't say anything Catholic.

17. "Behold, this Jimmy Savile scandal isn't so important after all. It matters not that every third employee of the BBC is a pervert or a rapist. There are bigger fish to fry."

18. "For these evils are less than the greatest evil of all, which is to teach a child that Jesus died for his sins, that he should love God, and that he should love his neighbour."

19. "Nay, the truth is that he should love Dawkins with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his mind; then he should love himself. On these two commandments hang all the lore and the profits that Dawkins maketh."

20. And Richard laughed all the way to the bank, saying "Ho, ho, ho!" For it was nearly Christmas.

Continued in Chapter 17.

A modest proposal

In a last-ditch attempt to make the Conservative party more "liberal," "inclusive," "modern," and "popular," David Cameron announced today that the Coalition was planning to implement an old policy, first suggested in 1729 by Fr Jonathan Swift, whereby it would become legal to eat children.

David Cameron and Barack Obama exchange cooking tips.

"Of course we shall engage in a full consultation," explained the Prime Minister, "before ignoring its results and going ahead with this policy. In an age of equality and diversity, we feel that the cannibal community should be granted full dietary rights."

Already condemnation has come in from the more traditionalist church leaders, who claim that the new legislation would offend what they quaintly call their "moral principles." This has not gone down well with liberal organizations, such as the cannibal rights organization Bonemaul, which recently awarded its "Bigot of the year" award to Archbishop Keith O'Brien.

Giles Fraser - received a special award from Bonemaul.

Other church leaders were quick - well, slow, actually - to follow suit, and eventually even Vincent Nichols was forced to take notice. The Westminster diocese has long had a tradition of holding special masses for cannibals, and it is thought that the Nuncio is unhappy with this.

Learning that churches would be forbidden from serving meat sourced from homo sapiens, we are awaiting a statement from Giles Fraser, the socialist who appears on Thought for the Day whenever the BBC needs someone to discredit Christianity; it is hoped by many that he will be prepared to go to prison on the issue of equal rights for cannibals.

Could this be Giles Fraser's next parish?

Meanwhile, the Conservative party has not received the boost in popularity that it expected when it announced its plans for cannibalism. David Cameron himself has long been a champion of "family values" and he is said to be very surprised that this new legislation should be regarded as an attack on the integrity of the family.

Fr Swift - an inspiration to modern liberal thinkers.

Obama explains how the Bible supports him

President Barack Obama, well known to be a very devout Christian, has released an advert explaining how his policies are based on Biblical writings.

Cain and Abel - an economic lesson for us all.

"I base my economic policies on the much-loved story of Cain and Abel," explained the President. "Abel was a rich man, able to make the Lord a good offering, whereas Cain was poor, and came from a broken family, driven out of their home in Eden. What was he to do but kill Abel? Only the most die-hard Republicans would criticise him."

Hurricane Obama (formerly Sandy).

"Hurricane Obama (formerly known as Sandy) is another sign that the Lord is with me. Recall the verses of Jeremiah:

 This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Look! Disaster is spreading
    from nation to nation;
a mighty storm is rising
    from the ends of the earth.'

The fact that New York has been badly devastated at this time is a sign that the Lord is telling the people of America 'Vote for that nice man Obama!'"

The Gadarene swine - doing Christ's bidding.

"I have always liked the story of the Gadarene swine - indeed, when people accuse me of leading America over a cliff, both morally, economically and socially, I say to them, 'But it is what Christ is telling us to do!'"

Kids! Horrid things! Let's kill them!

"Some of you may be wondering how the Bible justifies my policies on late-term abortion and even partial-birth abortion. I take my lead from King David, no less, who said, in one of his chart-topping psalms:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones 
against the stones.

I hope we'll hear no more complaints about abortion, especially as my Vice-President, saintly Joe Biden, tells me that his sincerely-held Catholic faith leads directly to a pro-abortion standpoint. He's a great admirer of King Herod, and always has a good laugh on Holy Innocents' Day."

The Beast of the Apocalypse - have we misjudged him?

"The word 'apocalypse' is from the Greek word Ἀποκάλυψις, which means 'revelation' or 'unveiling.' I have always felt it my duty to bring an apocalypse to the United States. One character in the book of the Apocalypse - who, like me, has had a bad press in some right-wing circles - is known to his friends as 'Beast,' just as I am. A much misjudged character, who merely wanted to stick to his principles, as I do."

"I hope this puts an end to all talk questioning my religious faith."

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 15

Continued from Chapter 14

1. So it came to pass that the children of Am-eri-ca waited, while Richard decided how they should vote.

2. But meanwhile, there came a learned philosopher unto Richard, whose name was Grayling, and he spake unto him thus:

3. "Lo! I have decided to found a new university, which shall be called the New College of the Humanities, that we may educate the young and tell them that there is no god but Dawkins."

4. "And we are in need of a distinguished professor of evolutionary biology and science literacy, preferably one who is an atheist and a celebrity."

5. "And we are hoping to recruit other young men of great intellect such as Lord Prescott and Sir Michael Jagger, who will really be able to engage with the youth of today."

Professor Sir Michael Jagger.

6. And Richard gladly accepted the offer, saying, "Lo! I shall give them my famous lecture course on 'The Godless chicken'."

7. So the New College of the Humanities prospered greatly, and Richard travelled regularly down to London to educate the young and impressionable.

The prestigious premises housing the New College of the Humanities.

8. But the children of Am-eri-ca cried out again, saying, "Tell us, O Richard, how we must vote."

9. And Richard pondered saying, "On the one hand there is O-bam-a, he who claimeth to be a pious Christian. For he was a member of the Trinity United Church of Christ, and hearkened unto the words of Jeremiah Wright."

10. "It was Pastor Wright who wrote that brilliant book, Only black people is saved. But now that he has been found out, O-bam-a has renounced Pastor Wright, and I think we may now claim him as an atheist."

A well-attended C. of D. service. Can you spot the saved person?

11. "On the other hand, there is Rom-ney, he who is a Mormon, but hath just one wife. And although I myself have shared my house with three wives and numerous chickens, I cannot accept the Mormon faith."

12. But the disciples spake unto Richard, saying, "But what sayest thou of Joseph Biden, he who is the President of Vice. Is he not a pious Catholic?"

13. "For Joseph saith: 'I give thanks that I am not as the rest of men. I fast twice in a week: I give tithes of all that I possess. In fact, if I believed in God, I would be a model Catholic.'"

14. And Richard spake, saying, "No problem. I think we can count Joseph as a paid-up atheist as well."

15. And so the world waited. Would Richard - he who had raised an obscure skiing instructor called Nick Clegg to a place at Dave's right hand - perform a second miracle, and raise O-bam-a to the glory of a second term?

It is true that Nick Clegg was once a skiing instructor.

Continued in Chapter 16.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 14

Continued from Chapter 13

1. Now it came to pass that Richard decided that the world needed to hear his views on politics.

A proposal for constitutional change.

2. And Richard bade the Queen to retire, that she be replaced by a president; for he said unto himself, "Perchance the British people will wish to elect an expert on chickens, genes and memes, with a First Lady from Gallifrey."

3. But the Queen hardened her heart, and refused to go. And Richard wept.

4. Then in the tenth year of the millennium, Richard spake unto the world saying "I agree with Nick," which is to say, "Vote ye not for the very rich man called Ca-me-ron, neither for the poor man called Brown, whose insanity is legendary. Nay, vote ye for the one called Clegg, he that is called woeful."

5. Now Clegg was a man of great virtue, for it was said that he had slept with fewer than 30 women.

Clegg (left) faileth to sleep with a thirty-first woman.

6. Moreover, Clegg said in his heart "There is no God."

7. Indeed Clegg was inclined to say that "by God" was written "bigot," although he spake not these words when his wife was in the room and armed with the wooden pin that rolleth. For it smiteth as well.

Richard Dawkins, agreeing with Nick.

8. And Lo! the first miracle of St Richard came to pass. For Nick, a man with no visible talents, was exalted greatly, and became the second minister of the land.

9. And Nick said to himself, "I am now a man set under authority, having under me many men, and I say unto one, 'Go,' and he goeth; well, in fact he replieth 'Get lost, for it is not official party policy,' but at least in theory he might go some time."

10. Then, following the miraculous elevation of Nick, Richard spake out again, saying, "Faith schools are a menace." And the high priests and scholars were sore afraid, saying "What meaneth the old fool now?"

Voodoo - as taught in all faith schools.

11. For, Richard argued, it is wrong to teach any religious views to a poor innocent child, unless they have been approved by the Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

12. But the world mocked Richard for his foolishness. Thus proving the truth of the old adage, "Even saints can have off days."

13. Now a mighty conflict was brewing in the West, between two pious and religious men, named Obama and Romney.

14. And Richard's heart was torn. For Obama was a devout Christian, who attended church on the 29th day of February each year. And Romney was a latter-day saint, which is even better than an ordinary saint. And neither worshipped at the Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

15. So the land of America waited eagerly to see which way Richard would tell them to vote.

Your future lies in the hands of an Oxford zoologist.

Continued in Chapter 15.

Joe Biden explains the Catholic Faith

We are indeed honoured today to be granted an interview with Vice President Joe Biden, a leading Catholic thinker.

Joe Biden demonstrates his position on gay marriage

E: Now, Mr Biden, you first came to the attention of the British public over 20 years ago, when you were detected plagiarising a speech of Neil Kinnock. Would you care to comment on that?

JB: Eccles, I wish to totally, utterly, absolutely and unequivocally deny, rebut, refute and contradict your statement. When I was a poor, penniless and deprived boy in the Welsh valleys, being sent down the pit at the age of three, along with my aged, decrepit, feeble and disabled ninety-year-old granny in a wheelchair, I realised that the only way to escape from my chains was...

E: I hate to cut you short there, Mr Biden, but perhaps we could move on to what is surely the cornerstone of your life, the Catholic faith.

It's not always a good idea to copy Neil Kinnock.

JB: Yes, as I go along life's road, I always let my love of Jesus and the Catholic faith guide me.

E: So naturally, you oppose abortion, which has been condemned by the Catholic church, and many other Christians, pretty consistently over the last 2000 years?

JB: Well, naturally, except in special circumstances of course. For example, if the mother is pregnant. Then I think you have to allow it.

E: I gather that the church penalty for abortions at any stage of pregnancy is excommunication. Have you in fact been excommunicated?

JB: No, but then you see I've never had an abortion. But I feel that it's my human right to have one, if ever I want one.

E: I heard a rumour that your friend Barack - (checks notes) - ah yes, Obama, is in favour of killing all babies under the age of two and eating them?

JB: No, in fact that was just the view of a Democratic think-tank. Teddie Kennedy suggested drowning babies, but then he thought all problems could be solved by drowning people.

E: Your own view, then?

JB: Theologically, it's very much a grey area. I certainly wouldn't go as far as eating babies.

Herod the Great. Didn't go as far as eating babies.

E: Still - correct me if I'm wrong, or even if I'm right - aren't your views on many moral issues in clear contradiction to the views of the Catholic church?

JB: Eccles, I think you have to accept that our views on right and wrong are constantly evolving. Adultery, lying, cheating, etc. - all these used to be condemned as sins, but now Bill Clinton is one of the most respected politicians we have.

E: Vice President Biden, thank you for your moral guidance.

The motto of the Biden family

Invitations we have received

Young Poet of the Year, 1989 (yes, really)

Louise Bagshawe LoCicero Mensch M.P. Steward of the Chiltern Hundreds,

author of "Catholic family values," "When she was bad..." and "Career girls,"

star of "Question Time" and "Prime Minister's Questions,"

invites ECCLES

to the launch of her new book

"Corby, city of passion"

---

Welcome to the Dignitas Holiday Hotel

Dr Evan Harris M.P. requests the pleasure of the company of ECCLES at a "sending-off" party for his beloved auntie Athanasia, to wish her well on her trip to Dignitas. R.S.V.P.

---

St Anthony of Poodle

Hey, Eccles, come to a swell party for the launch of my new Encyclical, "Where the Catholic church must go next." Admission fee only £500, and you'll get to meet my good friends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-un. Yours, Tony.

---

And finally, one I won't be able to accept.

Surely some mistake?

BARACK AND MICHELLE OBAMA are holding a "Pride Party" to celebrate the adoption of a new American flag. No Limeys, Christians, Mormons, Republicans, or Chick-fil-A employees, please.

The proposed replacement for the homophobic Stars and Stripes

P.S. If you can't come, you're welcome to attend our "Abortion gone wild" Festival next week. Barack.