A modest proposal

In a last-ditch attempt to make the Conservative party more "liberal," "inclusive," "modern," and "popular," David Cameron announced today that the Coalition was planning to implement an old policy, first suggested in 1729 by Fr Jonathan Swift, whereby it would become legal to eat children.

David Cameron and Barack Obama exchange cooking tips.

"Of course we shall engage in a full consultation," explained the Prime Minister, "before ignoring its results and going ahead with this policy. In an age of equality and diversity, we feel that the cannibal community should be granted full dietary rights."

Already condemnation has come in from the more traditionalist church leaders, who claim that the new legislation would offend what they quaintly call their "moral principles." This has not gone down well with liberal organizations, such as the cannibal rights organization Bonemaul, which recently awarded its "Bigot of the year" award to Archbishop Keith O'Brien.

Giles Fraser - received a special award from Bonemaul.

Other church leaders were quick - well, slow, actually - to follow suit, and eventually even Vincent Nichols was forced to take notice. The Westminster diocese has long had a tradition of holding special masses for cannibals, and it is thought that the Nuncio is unhappy with this.

Learning that churches would be forbidden from serving meat sourced from homo sapiens, we are awaiting a statement from Giles Fraser, the socialist who appears on Thought for the Day whenever the BBC needs someone to discredit Christianity; it is hoped by many that he will be prepared to go to prison on the issue of equal rights for cannibals.

Could this be Giles Fraser's next parish?

Meanwhile, the Conservative party has not received the boost in popularity that it expected when it announced its plans for cannibalism. David Cameron himself has long been a champion of "family values" and he is said to be very surprised that this new legislation should be regarded as an attack on the integrity of the family.

Fr Swift - an inspiration to modern liberal thinkers.

New Cardinals appointed

The Vatican announced yesterday the appointment of six new cardinals. All parts of the Catholic world are represented, with the notable exception of Europe: it was explained that the Holy Father didn't see why he should be expected to honour any Soho-Mass supporting pinko liberals until they learnt to toe the line.

A pinko liberal in typically flamboyant costume.

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Those six new cardinals in full:

Cardinal Nanook of the North.

Coming from a very small archdiocese to the North of Canada, Cardinal Nanook is the only Archbishop whose Cathedral is made entirely of snow. In a statement released today he said, "This red hat comes at a very opportune time, as my head is rather cold at present."

The Cathedral of Christ the Somewhat Frozen.

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Cardinal Robinson Crusoe.

Cardinal Crusoe, Archbishop of the Cannibal Islands, is also delighted to receive his red hat. "Now my parishioners are really starting to take religion seriously," he said. "They're already saying grace!"

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Cardinal Fu Manchu.

The Catholic church is making great inroads in the mysterious East, and this is recognised in the appointment of Cardinal Fu Manchu. Although he has a fondness for world domination and a reputation for ruthlessness, it is thought that he has been brought in to counter the threat of the mysterious oriental villain Ans Kung.

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Cardinal Kor relaxes in his Cathedra.

One of three extra-terrestrial cardinals to be appointed, Cardinal Kor is the first Klingon to be honoured in this way. When we asked him for a comment, he replied: Daq the tagh ghaHta' the mu', je the mu' ghaHta' tlhej joH'a', je the mu' ghaHta' joH'a'.

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Cardinal Cyberman gives a blessing.

Cardinal Cyberman comes from the traditional wing of the Catholic church. However, his aversion to gold means that he will probably not be a serious contender in the next papal conclave.

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Cardinal Jabba of Tatooine (with altar-server).

Cardinal Jabba is Archbishop of Tatooine. He is very fond of cinnabons and was formerly Bishop of Leeds.