New Dr Who series

Ian McKellen - a politically, correct Doctor for the 21st century (with silly hat).

A new series of the children's programme Dr Who has just been announced. In recent years, the show has been known for telling kids as young as six years old about homosexual time-travellers and lesbian lizards, and now it has been decided to take this further in a series of exciting adventures in which the Doctor takes on the forces of Christianity galaxy-wide.

Fr Magister - the Doctor has a long history of fighting clericalism.

In next week's story, Dr Who and the Cyberbride, the Doctor arrives on the planet Mondas, where he falls in love with a handsome Cyberman. The two of them approach the Bishop of Mondas, requesting that he tie the knot for them, but owing to the nasty bigoted social conditions pertaining there, the Bishop is forced to refuse. The Cyberman had set its heart on a Church wedding, and so the Doctor is forced to part from his lover and continue his lonely voyage through Time and Space.

Get me to the church on time! Cyberbride, with bridesmaids

Later in the series, we see the Doctor arrive in 21st Century London. In a story entitled Trouble with Archbishops, he meets a crazed dictator called Dave, who is attempting to change history, although opposed by a group of religious maniacs. Confusion is caused by the intervention of a gang of comedy Bishops - the Archbishop of Greater London, The Archbishop of London, the Archimandrite of the Metropolitan Line, the Metropolitan of the Archimandrite Line, the Patriarch of the North and South Circulars, the High Priestess of Hyde Park, and the Bishop of London - each of whom claims to be a valid minister.

The Doctor's new assistant, Owen (aged 10), even more irritating than the late Adric.

Finally, the Daleks are brought back, yet again, in an adventure Wedding of the Daleks. Davros, their creator, has finally realized that Daleks will be able to breed on their own if he makes female ones as well as male ones. He teaches them a new catch-phrase, CO-PU-LATE, CO-PU-LATE , and insists that from now on all Dalek romances are to be heterosexual. This is where the Doctor turns up, and with a stirring cry of "Gay rights for Daleks!" takes on the forces of bigotry, reaction, etc.

Mummy, is Giles Fraser still on?

New Cardinals appointed

The Vatican announced yesterday the appointment of six new cardinals. All parts of the Catholic world are represented, with the notable exception of Europe: it was explained that the Holy Father didn't see why he should be expected to honour any Soho-Mass supporting pinko liberals until they learnt to toe the line.

A pinko liberal in typically flamboyant costume.

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Those six new cardinals in full:

Cardinal Nanook of the North.

Coming from a very small archdiocese to the North of Canada, Cardinal Nanook is the only Archbishop whose Cathedral is made entirely of snow. In a statement released today he said, "This red hat comes at a very opportune time, as my head is rather cold at present."

The Cathedral of Christ the Somewhat Frozen.

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Cardinal Robinson Crusoe.

Cardinal Crusoe, Archbishop of the Cannibal Islands, is also delighted to receive his red hat. "Now my parishioners are really starting to take religion seriously," he said. "They're already saying grace!"

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Cardinal Fu Manchu.

The Catholic church is making great inroads in the mysterious East, and this is recognised in the appointment of Cardinal Fu Manchu. Although he has a fondness for world domination and a reputation for ruthlessness, it is thought that he has been brought in to counter the threat of the mysterious oriental villain Ans Kung.

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Cardinal Kor relaxes in his Cathedra.

One of three extra-terrestrial cardinals to be appointed, Cardinal Kor is the first Klingon to be honoured in this way. When we asked him for a comment, he replied: Daq the tagh ghaHta' the mu', je the mu' ghaHta' tlhej joH'a', je the mu' ghaHta' joH'a'.

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Cardinal Cyberman gives a blessing.

Cardinal Cyberman comes from the traditional wing of the Catholic church. However, his aversion to gold means that he will probably not be a serious contender in the next papal conclave.

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Cardinal Jabba of Tatooine (with altar-server).

Cardinal Jabba is Archbishop of Tatooine. He is very fond of cinnabons and was formerly Bishop of Leeds.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5

1. And it came to pass that Richard, having passed his fiftieth year, decided to take unto himself a third wife.

2. For he said unto himself, "My genes cry out most woefully, 'Richard, it is not good for thee to be alone. Thou hast not changed thy socks for two years, and thy shirts lack buttons.'"

3. And many fair and virtuous women queued up outside Richard's house, saying, "Let us mingle our genes with thine, O mighty zoologist, thou who knowest the secrets of the blind watchmaker, and the deaf piano-tuner, yeah and even the completely mad lecturer."

4. For Richard had long since put aside the days of his youth, when he wrote mainly of chickens.

Shall I kill him now, Doctor?

5. And there came unto him a fair maiden, whose name was Leela, and she said, "O Richard, take me as thy wife, that I may stab thine enemies to death."

6. But Richard was looking for someone a little more intellectual. For his days of violence were still far in the future.

Probably too brainy for Dr Dawkins

7. And then another fair maiden, named Romana, threw herself before Richard. But he trampled her underfoot and went on his way.

Mrs Dawkins III relaxes with some friends

8. Finally, there came to him a lady from Gallifrey, one endowed with the finest of genes. And they were wed.

9. Then Richard finally achieved greatness, for he was appointed to the position of Simonyi Professor for the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford. And his enemies joked, saying "Simony, eh? Did he pay for his preferment?"

10. But the answer was No, it was just that this Simonyi was a man with far more money than sense.

A slight misunderstanding

11. Anyway, the people said, "At last, after 25 years in which he spake unto us of chickens and genes, Richard will finally help us understand all of science."

11. So they asked him many difficult questions about science, such as "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

12. And Richard said to himself, "Alas, they do not yet realise that I am an expert on all areas of science, and I know the ways of the Higgs Boson, the Benzene Ring and the Last Theorem of Fermat. Yeah, and chickens too, of course."

13. "But first I shall fire off a blizzard of pot-boilers, since frankly it is quite expensive being married to a lady from Gallifrey who keeps wanting to go home and see her mother; for even the abundant wealth of Mr Simonyi cannot pay the fares".

14. Meanwhile, further recognition came to Richard, in the form of many honorary degrees, from places as widespread as the Cyberman University of Mondas, the Dalek College of Skaros, and the University of Sontar.

Richard Dawkins in the academic dress of the University of Sontar

15. But as the new millennium arrived, the life of Richard reached a turning point; for he began to lose his last remaining grasp on reality. As we shall now see.

Continued in Chapter 7