Hello, hello, hello! What's all this, then?

There is a famous Not the Nine O' Clock News sketch in which a certain Constable Savage is told off for over-zealous policing. It turns out that Constable Savage has now been transferred to Wimbledon, where he has now branched out into arresting Christians.

Inspector: So, Constable Savage, while your colleagues have been arresting visiting American preachers, I see that you have arrested another gentleman, a Mr Peter Smith. What exactly are the charges you are making against him?

The prisoner.

Savage: We had lots of complaints, sir. He was wearing a fancy hat in a public place, and carrying an offensive weapon.

Inspector: I think those are the tools of his trade, Savage. Was he preaching any religious doctrine, of the sort that might give offence to our LBGT Community, or indeed our TMOB (Trouble-Making Old Busybody) Community?

Savage: No, nobody could accuse him of giving any religious leadership, Inspector. But he was also seen associating with another gentleman, who was causing a public nuisance by wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness. So we arrested him as well.

Wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness.

Inspector: Savage, the law says you should only arrest Christians if they say something in public. It doesn't matter what, it can be classed as hate crime, conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace, ...

Savage: But I hate Christians, sir.

Inspector: Well, so do we all. Now, who else have you brought in?

Savage: A young lady, who was speaking in tongues, sir. A Miss Sharapova.

Inspector: What exactly was she saying, Constable?

Savage: Well, it was more a case of grunting and shrieking noises, sir. (Consults notebook.) "Urgh. Oorgh. Aaargh. Owww!" Can't we do her for hate speech?

Speaking in tongues.

Inspector: No go, Savage. We'd never be able to make the charges stick. Now, I see you have one more prisoner. You entered a building called a "church" and found him reading out offensive words?

Savage: Yes, sir, I confiscated the book he was reading from. It's a real shocker, full of sex and violence, murders, rapes, the lot.

A book which glorifies teenage violence.

Inspector: Ah yes, this "Bible". It's not yet on the "banned" list, but it is evidence of subversive thought. Which part was he reading out?

Savage: Some bit called "Matthew 19", sir. And Jesus said: Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness. Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Inspector: Sounds like a trouble-maker, this Jesus. The name sounds familiar - see if he's got form, Constable. Writing words like that could cause offence to our well-respected MATL community.

Savage: MATL?

Inspector: Murderers, Adulterers, Thieves and Liars, Constable. Do try and keep up.

---

This post was begun by Eccles and finished off by Pope Francis.

Pope Francis struggles to think of a final punch-line.

2 Samuel

Time for more spiritual nourishment in the form of the next instalment of the Eccles Bible project, where we explain the Bible to atheists.

Now here we come to one powerful argument for atheism: the 2nd book of Samuel is not by Samuel, and doesn't even mention him. In the eyes of Richard Dawkins this proves that the Bible is false. But then The Selfish Genedoesn't mention Gene Kelly, so maybe it's not such a clincher after all.

The Prophet Gene, singing in the rain.

In fact the 2nd book of Samuel starts with David singing, or at least reciting, a lament over the deaths of Saul and Jonathan: How are the mighty fallen! Tell it not in Gath (or Geth).* Well, it's too late to tell it in Gath (or Geth) now, as the place has fallen into ruin.

It's not all bad news for David, as he is then anointed king. However, General Abner sets up Saul's remaining son Ish-bosheth as a rival king, although eventually they both get murdered.

* It's terrible how many clichés you find in the Bible. Shakespeare too, wrote little apart from clichés.

The comic strip Li'l Ish-bosheth never really took off.

At this stage, David is very much the good guy, and is really furious at the murders of Abner and Ish-whatsit. "David reigned over all Israel, doing what was just and right for all his people," as it says in Chapter 8, and God backs him. Indeed, God enters into an eternal covenant with him. I'm rather losing count of these Old Testament covenants, but each one was slightly more sophisticated that its predecessor. There'll be something much better on offer in the New Testament.

By the time we get to Chapter 9, David asks "Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?" There is, in fact; namely J's son Mephibosheth. But things are about to go horribly wrong, and it's all David's fault...

Bathsheba, she bare in a bath.

Yes, the lovely Bathsheba comes on the scene and David falls for her. Problem: she is married to Uriah the Hittite. David's conduct is rather poor here: he has an affair with her, and he arranges for Uriah to be killed in battle. From now on, David's life is going to consist of a succession of troubles, and it is hard to present it in a cheerful light.

Tamar, David's daughter, is raped by Amnon, his son. Then Absolom, another son, rebels against David. Although Absolom gets killed, he does at least try to die in a comic fashion: he's riding a mule under a tree, and is caught by the branches and left hanging in mid-air.

A brave attempt to inject some comedy into a depressing book.

It's no wonder that Samuel decided to stay dead during this book. Let's skip through to Chapter 22, without listing the wars and famine en route; here we have one of David's hit songs (he composed it earlier, it seems). This time he manages to be a bit more upbeat.

Are you all ready to join in the song, lads?

The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;
the God of my rock, in Him will I trust. 
He is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, 
my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour...

This is good stuff, much better than "Follow me, follow me..." David later bundles a whole lot of these into a book of Psalms (this one turns up again as number 18).

Well, we're coming to the end of David's reign, although he hangs on a little longer in order to qualify for the book of 1 Kings. A deeply flawed character, but aren't we all, Richard? Yes, even you... look, admit that at least, and we may start getting somewhere...

1 Samuel

In the white corner, Brother Eccles, implementing the Eccles Bible Project. In the black corner, an atheist called Richard who is struggling to say say just one intelligent thing about religion. Today's topic: the first book of Samuel. I was going to do both together, but there's too much action.

Samuel - became a prophet at an early age.

Whereas most babies cry in the night and wake their parents, Samuel is himself woken in the night by God, and told to get prophesying. Actually, he does rather more than that, as he will soon become the last of the Judges, and when he's a bit older he leads the Israelites against the Philistines.

The Philistines have stolen the Ark of the Covenant, which is the most holy thing the Israelites have, and taken it to the Temple of Dagon, who may well have been a fish-god. A bad move, as Dagon's idol is first knocked down, and then vandalised.

Dagon - we'll agree with Richard that this is not a god to be worshipped.

The Philistines start to suffer from "emerods" which is a nice word for a most disgusting condition (piles); we never did this bit at school, as all the boys would have sniggered.

To cut a long story short, the Israelites get their Ark back, and under Samuel's leadership stay faithful to God, and prosper. We're only in Chapter 8, and Samuel's task is almost done. He is getting old, and the Israelites have had enough of judges. They want a KING.

"Had enough of judges" is a popular sentiment, even in these days.

So we get to the story of Saul, who starts off as something of a goodie, and ends up as something of a baddie - and dead. We see him first looking for his father's asses (or donkeys, as Americans would have it).

One of Saul's father's donkeys.

Being able to deal with asses is a great qualification for a monarch, even these days, and so Samuel anoints Saul as king. The Philistines are still causing a lot of trouble: nowadays "Philistines" tends to refer to those who hate culture, so it is no surprise that they don't get on with the man who now comes upon the scene - David, a skilled harpist.

David demonstrates his secret weapon against Philistines.

David, who is going to become a major figure in Jewish history, has another weapon, of course: a sling, with which he despatches the giant Goliath. After that, Saul becomes very jealous of David, especially as it becomes clearer that David is to succeed him as king. Saul wants to kill David, who goes into exile.

David wants to take flight, but there are questions over his hand-luggage.

However, Saul's son Jonathan is a great friend of David; also, in fact, his brother-in-law. At this point some silly people who have never had proper friends will tell you that it is something to do with homosexuality, but that theory doesn't make sense given all the other information we have.

The rest of the first book of Samuel contains a lot of the squabbling between Saul and David. Saul has definitely gone over to the dark side at this point, and Samuel makes a surprise comeback, when the Witch of Endor recalls him to warn Saul that there's trouble ahead.

So it all comes to a head at the end of 1 Samuel, when the Philistines defeat Saul and Jonathan in battle at Mount Gilboa, and they both die. Things have gone rather badly under King Saul. Will King David do any better?

A Philistine inscription: "When I hear the word culture, I reach for my sword!"

Ruth

This week's instalment of the Eccles Bible project is short and sweet. The book of Ruth, just 4 chapters long. No smiting, but telling the story of one of the ancestors of King David. Spiritual nourishment in a user-friendly form!

No, Richard. This is not the Ruth we had in mind.

We start off in the time of the judges, with Naomi, who has managed to lose her husband and two sons (to lose two looks like carelessness...). She still has two daughters-in-law: one of these is our heroine, Ruth. She decides to stay with Naomi, who, all things considered is not the merry widow you might expect. "Call me Mara," she says, "because the Almighty has made my life very bitter."

In fact we continue to call her Naomi, and Ruth stays with her. Rather than hang around the house with a moaning mother-in-law she goes into the fields and starts picking up bits of corn. There she encounters Boaz, who takes a fancy to her.

Boaz falls in love with his gleaning-lady.

Her technique for catching her man is unusual, as she goes over to where he is sleeping, uncovers his feet, and lies down near them. Things move quickly, he gives her a token of his affection (six measures of barley) and soon they are married.

Have you considered barley as a gift for St Valentine's Day?

Well, that's about it, except that they have a son called O'bed (it seems that one of them had Irish ancestry), who in turn begets Jesse, father of David. Who is going to be a big cheese...

Naomi seems to be very pleased, and drops the alias "Mara", as she has a grandson, and is thereby comforted. Well, it's a touching love story, with a rather simple plot and a happy ending. Actually, there isn't much mention of God in it, although it does show virtue being rewarded.

Ruth, it can't be good for that child to feed him on nothing but barley.

New Hymns 2

Today we are truly honoured to welcome King David, warrior, sex symbol and - as author of the Book of Psalms - the Paul Inwood of the 10th Century BC. Now, your Majesty...

D: Hey, it's not "Your Majesty!" Call me Dave.

"Dave," working on a psalm.

E: Yes, OK, Dave. Now I know you've had some embarrassing moments in your time, especially when Signor Michelangelo of the Italian paparazzi published a nude sculpture of you, but let's put that to one side now, and talk about your psalms.

D: Well, one likes to think one has a role as a Defender of Faiths, you know, and my psalms do seem to have gone down well with many in the Jewish, Christian and Muslim communities.

E: Still, they obviously need a little "refreshing" for modern audiences, and so that's why you're here today, I understand.

D: Yes, I was wondering about my Psalm 23 (as translated by King James himself): The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.Can you suggest something, Eccles?

A sheep, being sickeningly sweet.

E: Well, my general rule for modern hymns is, don't say too much about God, it's better to sing about yourself. And we could perhaps adapt the tune of "On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at," as Ilkley's a good place for sheep, I'm told.

The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep:
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep,
The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep.
Chorus: I like to go "Baa Baa!" 
I like to go "Baa Baa!" 
I like to go "Baa Baa!"

This sheep isn't as sweet, but he is on Ilkley Moor.

D: So how do you see the subsequent verses developing?

E: Well, as any modern hymn-writer will tell you, you only need to change one or two lines to get a completely new verse. So Verse 2 could be:

He makes me lie down in a field:
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
He makes me lie down in a field,
He makes me lie down in a field.
Chorus. I like to go "Baa Baa!" (x3)

D: My psalm is quite popular at funerals, you know, probably because of the lines: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Double-O-7, why have you brought me to the Valley of the Shadow of Death?

E: Well, Dave, have a go yourself.

D: O.K.

When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
Chorus. I like to go "Baa Baa!" (x3)

E: Magnificent, Dave! You've managed to drain out almost all the theology, and to leave just some comfortable stuff about sheep. Kevin Mayhew will be knocking at your door any time now, begging for the publishing rights.

You make a table for me, Lord...

Obama explains how the Bible supports him

President Barack Obama, well known to be a very devout Christian, has released an advert explaining how his policies are based on Biblical writings.

Cain and Abel - an economic lesson for us all.

"I base my economic policies on the much-loved story of Cain and Abel," explained the President. "Abel was a rich man, able to make the Lord a good offering, whereas Cain was poor, and came from a broken family, driven out of their home in Eden. What was he to do but kill Abel? Only the most die-hard Republicans would criticise him."

Hurricane Obama (formerly Sandy).

"Hurricane Obama (formerly known as Sandy) is another sign that the Lord is with me. Recall the verses of Jeremiah:

 This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Look! Disaster is spreading
    from nation to nation;
a mighty storm is rising
    from the ends of the earth.'

The fact that New York has been badly devastated at this time is a sign that the Lord is telling the people of America 'Vote for that nice man Obama!'"

The Gadarene swine - doing Christ's bidding.

"I have always liked the story of the Gadarene swine - indeed, when people accuse me of leading America over a cliff, both morally, economically and socially, I say to them, 'But it is what Christ is telling us to do!'"

Kids! Horrid things! Let's kill them!

"Some of you may be wondering how the Bible justifies my policies on late-term abortion and even partial-birth abortion. I take my lead from King David, no less, who said, in one of his chart-topping psalms:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones 
against the stones.

I hope we'll hear no more complaints about abortion, especially as my Vice-President, saintly Joe Biden, tells me that his sincerely-held Catholic faith leads directly to a pro-abortion standpoint. He's a great admirer of King Herod, and always has a good laugh on Holy Innocents' Day."

The Beast of the Apocalypse - have we misjudged him?

"The word 'apocalypse' is from the Greek word Ἀποκάλυψις, which means 'revelation' or 'unveiling.' I have always felt it my duty to bring an apocalypse to the United States. One character in the book of the Apocalypse - who, like me, has had a bad press in some right-wing circles - is known to his friends as 'Beast,' just as I am. A much misjudged character, who merely wanted to stick to his principles, as I do."

"I hope this puts an end to all talk questioning my religious faith."

Bosco's vicctim

As we reveeled yesterday, my bruvver Bosco has been given a licennse to kill. By sayin lotsa Hale Marys and payin a fee to Farver Arfur de funny preist, Bosco has purchassed de rihgt to commit one mudrer knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven. (Dis is Cathlic thoelogy, we what is saved can do what we wants alreddy, as we is washed in de blood of de Labm.)

"Dat's grate, Bosco," I said, "is we gonna git rid of Anti Moly? We doesnt get much sleep at nihgts as she stays up until dawn bloggin and screemin at de lapptop. What's more has you seen what she done to de Calumny Chappel? It's walkin around on legs. Dat aint natural for a churhc. Pastor Vermicelli is furrious."



Bosco gave me a strange look and said "Nope, I got a more obviuos vicctim."

"You ain't goin to kill off one of your girlfiends, is you?" I asked. "De fat one is it, wiv de beuatiful duaghter dat you got on your blogg? Or Damain Thopmson? He seems to have stopped being saved now, and is turnin into a Cathlic again - he's even writing bloggs about Cradinal Vauhgan School, where de kids are tuaght how to worship iddles and dey gets beeten if dey looks at de Bibble."

Bosco smiled eniggmatically.

"Oh well, will you let me know when you has got a victtim, darlin bruvver?" I asked.
"Certtainly, Eccles," said Bosco, "you will be de first to know."

My bruvver is a kind pusson really. He told me dat he has fuond a recippe for cookin allmonds, and he is goin to make me an allmond pie for dinner tonihgt. I took a photto of Bosco cookin dinner. He is wearin a gas massk, and dat's becuase he's got bad breath and dont want to annoy us.



Before I goes in for dinner, I wants to tell you about a grate book dat Bosco fuond on de Internnet, which has got some pitchers of de crimes of Cathlics. We aint entirely sure who dese guys is, but de small chap is called David, which is a Cathlic name, and he looks like a nasty piece of work.