Hello, hello, hello! What's all this, then?

There is a famous Not the Nine O' Clock News sketch in which a certain Constable Savage is told off for over-zealous policing. It turns out that Constable Savage has now been transferred to Wimbledon, where he has now branched out into arresting Christians.

Inspector: So, Constable Savage, while your colleagues have been arresting visiting American preachers, I see that you have arrested another gentleman, a Mr Peter Smith. What exactly are the charges you are making against him?

The prisoner.

Savage: We had lots of complaints, sir. He was wearing a fancy hat in a public place, and carrying an offensive weapon.

Inspector: I think those are the tools of his trade, Savage. Was he preaching any religious doctrine, of the sort that might give offence to our LBGT Community, or indeed our TMOB (Trouble-Making Old Busybody) Community?

Savage: No, nobody could accuse him of giving any religious leadership, Inspector. But he was also seen associating with another gentleman, who was causing a public nuisance by wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness. So we arrested him as well.

Wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness.

Inspector: Savage, the law says you should only arrest Christians if they say something in public. It doesn't matter what, it can be classed as hate crime, conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace, ...

Savage: But I hate Christians, sir.

Inspector: Well, so do we all. Now, who else have you brought in?

Savage: A young lady, who was speaking in tongues, sir. A Miss Sharapova.

Inspector: What exactly was she saying, Constable?

Savage: Well, it was more a case of grunting and shrieking noises, sir. (Consults notebook.) "Urgh. Oorgh. Aaargh. Owww!" Can't we do her for hate speech?

Speaking in tongues.

Inspector: No go, Savage. We'd never be able to make the charges stick. Now, I see you have one more prisoner. You entered a building called a "church" and found him reading out offensive words?

Savage: Yes, sir, I confiscated the book he was reading from. It's a real shocker, full of sex and violence, murders, rapes, the lot.

A book which glorifies teenage violence.

Inspector: Ah yes, this "Bible". It's not yet on the "banned" list, but it is evidence of subversive thought. Which part was he reading out?

Savage: Some bit called "Matthew 19", sir. And Jesus said: Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness. Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Inspector: Sounds like a trouble-maker, this Jesus. The name sounds familiar - see if he's got form, Constable. Writing words like that could cause offence to our well-respected MATL community.

Savage: MATL?

Inspector: Murderers, Adulterers, Thieves and Liars, Constable. Do try and keep up.

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This post was begun by Eccles and finished off by Pope Francis.

Pope Francis struggles to think of a final punch-line.

The Boat of Fools visits a Catholic school

This week our Mystery Worshipper visited a Catholic School in the south of England, where the chaplain was conducting a multi-faith service.

Our mystery worshipper passed undetected as a pupil of St Ali's Catholic School.

What was the name of the service?
Special ecumenical service.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
Yes, the chaplain shook me warmly by the neck before telling me how much he hated me.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Very chatty. Becky, the Year 5 representative of A Call To Outright Rebellion (ACTOR) explained how Vatican II had explicitly demanded that the Catholic church should henceforth get away from old-fashioned ideas such as God and Jesus, becoming more open to other faiths, such as the tree-worshipping community.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
Welcome to our special ecumenical service. Today we have present a variety of alternative faiths, including representatives of ACTOR, those who bow down to tree-spirits, and worshippers of the gods Thor, Dawkins, and Sun Myung Moon.

The sun shall not burn thee by day: nor the moon by night. Psalm 120:6

What books did the congregation use during the service?
Books sacred to the faiths of those present, including Tina Beattie's Why did the Virgin Mary never have children?, Richard Dawkins's The Reality of Magic, and Prince Charles's classic I talk to the trees.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
More a sort of unhappy-clappy, as the worshippers were clearly very angry about something (the Catholic church, at a guess).

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
The chaplain explained that it was important to break with tradition. One example he gave (so good that he repeated it) was about sticking children up chimneys. I couldn't work out whether he was for or against that one.

If you want to be a chaplain like me, you need to be able to handle chimneys.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
When the chaplain led us in a hymn to Thor:

When Thor had a hammer,
He'd hammer in the morning,
He'd hammer in the evening,
All over this land...

Rubbish words, but a great tune.

I hit my finger with the hammer and now I'm a little Thor.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
Well, most of it really.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
The chaplain told me to scram. He's known for his inter-personal skills.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
0. No, please, no!

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Yes, but I felt terribly out of place.

These "Thor" services are fine, but I always take an umbrella in case of a storm.

Stonewall visits a Catholic School

And now over to St Mary's School, where Fred Flintstone of Stonewall, the organization which knows all about bullying Catholics, has come to explain bullying.

Fred Flintstone knows all about bullying.

Now, Kristin, I understand that you are a victim of homophobic hate-crime, because Tony said your shoes were "gay"?

A "gay" shoe. Note how Kristin hides her face in embarrassment.

Yes, Fred. It's a real problem for me: my shoe would be happiest if paired with another left-foot shoe, but I am forced to match it with a right-foot shoe.

And what would happen if you bought another left-foot shoe?

Well, I tried that, but it didn't fit, and I kept falling over.

Problems in the 100 metres event for people with two left-foot shoes.

Well, this is a typical case. Now, children, there is one way to deal with anyone who expresses a different opinion to you. Do you know what it is? Yes, Eric?

BIGOT! BIGOT! BIGOT!

Well done, Eric. If you scream "Bigot!" this shuts down all further debate, and you don't need to come up with any other arguments. Now, I want as many of you as possible to grow up as Catholics in happy same-sex relationships, so we're going to show you how much fun that can be.

A happy couple from Stonewall

You see, when two men love each other, what they do is they go out into the countryside and build a stone wall together. Well, I'll be telling the over-9s a little bit more about this later - for example, how to place your stones together in an intimate conjunction - but that will do for now. If you have any further questions, do ask your local archbishop.

Archbishop Peter Smith demonstrates an essential piece of stone-walling equipment.

English Archbishops get tough

"Go ahead, make my day, Cameron."

In a sudden change of direction, Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Peter Smith, previously regarded as lovable fluffy bunnies who wouldn't say "Boo!" to a goose, have turned on David Cameron and told him in no uncertain terms where to stick his proposals for same-sex marriage.

A goose, one of many in fear of an archiepiscopal booing.

It is believed that the terrible two, "Dirty Vinny" and "Rambo Pete" have been watching their opposite numbers in Scotland, and decided to emulate them. The trigger was perhaps the carefully-written statement from "Big Joe" Devine, the "Mr Big" of Motherwell, which said, "Watch yer step, Cameron, ur I'll be givin' ye a Glasgae kiss, Jimmy, d'ye ken?"

Don't cross Big Joe Devine.

It has also been speculated that the sudden vehemence shown by the London archbishops is partly due to a change of diet. Instead of their traditional London fare of jellied eels, or pie and mash, the two bishops have been seen partaking of a nourishing meal of haggis O'Brien with neeps Tartaglia, washed down with Glen Toal whisky.

Other Catholic Bishops are preparing to enter the debate.

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The results of the 2011 census are now being released. The percentage of Anglican clergy believing in God is reported to be 20% (down 10% from 2001). On the other hand, the percentage of atheists believing in Richard Dawkins is a mere 5% (no change there, then).

What's happened to all my worshippers?

How Damian Thompson saved the Catholic church

We are pleased to welcome a celebrity guest blogger, the Archbishop of Corby, the Most Reverend Paul Priest, who will explain (more briefly than usual) why the Catholic Church in England and Wales owes so much to his friend Damian Thompson.

The Archbishop of Corby (H/T Maria Narwhal).

God, that man Damian is just so WONDERFUL. Remember when we were looking for a successor to Cormac as Archbishop of Westminster? Damian PERSONALLY spied on all the Magic Circle bishops and dug up all the dirt on them. For weeks he wrote hard-hitting articles pointing out that Arthur Roche was too fat, and Peter Smith smoked too many cigarettes. And in the end, the Nuncio got the message, and Vincent Nichols got the job. BLOODY MARVELLOUS, Damian!

The Pope's visit to Britain would never have happened if it were not for Damian. The organizer, Mgr Andrew Summersgill, had forgotten to make any room bookings, and the Papal Mass for the beatification of Cardinal Newman would have taken place in a bus shelter in Lincolnshire. But Damian came to the rescue, and in the end they used Cofton Park. AWESOME!

Cramped conditions for a papal mass to be attended by 55,000 people.

In fact Pope Benedict himself was going through a crisis of belief, and had to be rescued by Damian. To put it in layman's terms, the ontological neo-Kantian paradigm of Sacerdos Paulus semper obscurissimus est was giving him grief. I wrote to him myself: "Benedict, dude," I said, "just remember my encyclical Carpe vacuum, natura abhorret diem, and reflect on how Aquinas would have reacted." But, it took WONDERFUL Damian to tell the Pope the words he really wanted to hear, "Holy Father, I think your hair is fantastic." If it had not been for that, you can be sure that Benedict XVI would have resigned and we would now have Hans Küng as Pope. MAGNIFICENT, Damian! We LOVE you, dude!

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Other News

Richard Dawkins, with Charlie the chicken

An early photograph of the religious leader Richard Dawkins has just been published, which will be of great interest to Dawkists everywhere. It shows the brilliant man conducting research into the behaviour of chickens, a subject on which he was said to be a world authority. However, many modern scholars believe that the picture is a forgery, and they have even asserted that Dawkins was a purely mythical figure, whose life story was invented by his disciples. They point out that the writings attributed to Dawkins, being incoherent and inconsistent, are probably little more than clumsy forgeries put out by the Dawkist cult.

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The first women bishops in the Church of England.

Meanwhile, the Church of England has finally taken a decisive step in gender equality, by ordaining its first female bishops. The four saintly women in our photo, Mothers Avaritia, Ira, Invidia and Superbia, are expected to bring a new style of worship with them, based less on God and more on getting their names in the papers. With this aim in mind, it is rumoured that they are already in contact with Giles Fraser, the producer of Thought for the Day.

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The Cristina Odone horror mask

A few weeks ago we advertised the Damian Thompson horror mask. Now, for the ladies, we have the Cristina Odone mask! Terrify your Catholic friends as they think you are about to unleash a stream of garbled nonsense in your role as a "Catholic spokesman." Scare off your children's boyfriends and girlfriends, as they fear they may be saddled with a mother-in-law whose head gives off steam when she tries to think! Dress up as the woman who, without any sense of irony, dared to criticise Britt Ekland for her looks! With Christmas fast approaching, it is also useful for prospective pantomime dames, ugly sisters, and wicked witches!

Boris steps in

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, has blocked a bus campaign aimed at helping regular philanderers find a cure. 

NOT UNFAITHFUL! EX-UNFAITHFUL, POST-UNFAITHFUL AND PROUD. 

GET OVER IT!



Said Mr Johnson, "Cripes! It's clearly not on to suggest that serial adulterers can control themselves! London is a vibrant city tolerant of all forms of sexual activity - expecting Johnny Casanova to put his trousers on is bloody offensive, what?"

Meanwhile, the mayor continues to perform his essential mayoral duties, which mainly consist of getting himself re-elected. Provided that Ken Livingstone and his views continue to be publicised widely, Boris Johnson seems certain to succeed.

Amongst his official appointments today, Boris will be joining Archbishop Peter Smith to open a new convent, the Liberal Sisters of St Oona. Here we see the Mother Superior modelling her new Vatican II-approved habit.

 

"Jolly good show, what!" commented Mr Johnson. "That's what I like to see. Not stupid bus campaigns about morality."