Hello, hello, hello! What's all this, then?

There is a famous Not the Nine O' Clock News sketch in which a certain Constable Savage is told off for over-zealous policing. It turns out that Constable Savage has now been transferred to Wimbledon, where he has now branched out into arresting Christians.

Inspector: So, Constable Savage, while your colleagues have been arresting visiting American preachers, I see that you have arrested another gentleman, a Mr Peter Smith. What exactly are the charges you are making against him?

The prisoner.

Savage: We had lots of complaints, sir. He was wearing a fancy hat in a public place, and carrying an offensive weapon.

Inspector: I think those are the tools of his trade, Savage. Was he preaching any religious doctrine, of the sort that might give offence to our LBGT Community, or indeed our TMOB (Trouble-Making Old Busybody) Community?

Savage: No, nobody could accuse him of giving any religious leadership, Inspector. But he was also seen associating with another gentleman, who was causing a public nuisance by wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness. So we arrested him as well.

Wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness.

Inspector: Savage, the law says you should only arrest Christians if they say something in public. It doesn't matter what, it can be classed as hate crime, conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace, ...

Savage: But I hate Christians, sir.

Inspector: Well, so do we all. Now, who else have you brought in?

Savage: A young lady, who was speaking in tongues, sir. A Miss Sharapova.

Inspector: What exactly was she saying, Constable?

Savage: Well, it was more a case of grunting and shrieking noises, sir. (Consults notebook.) "Urgh. Oorgh. Aaargh. Owww!" Can't we do her for hate speech?

Speaking in tongues.

Inspector: No go, Savage. We'd never be able to make the charges stick. Now, I see you have one more prisoner. You entered a building called a "church" and found him reading out offensive words?

Savage: Yes, sir, I confiscated the book he was reading from. It's a real shocker, full of sex and violence, murders, rapes, the lot.

A book which glorifies teenage violence.

Inspector: Ah yes, this "Bible". It's not yet on the "banned" list, but it is evidence of subversive thought. Which part was he reading out?

Savage: Some bit called "Matthew 19", sir. And Jesus said: Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness. Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Inspector: Sounds like a trouble-maker, this Jesus. The name sounds familiar - see if he's got form, Constable. Writing words like that could cause offence to our well-respected MATL community.

Savage: MATL?

Inspector: Murderers, Adulterers, Thieves and Liars, Constable. Do try and keep up.

---

This post was begun by Eccles and finished off by Pope Francis.

Pope Francis struggles to think of a final punch-line.

Anyone for Tina's?

Tina Beattie, the Billie-Jean Küng of Catholicism.

Fans of the great tennis star Ma Tina Unhinged are delighted to report that she will soon be appearing at Wimbledon. For a while it seemed that the career of the "bad girl of Catholicism" had stalled, after her Clifton suspension and her disqualification at San Diego, but she has now qualified for the Pugnacious Disloyola Cup (awarded by an group of very independent-minded Jesuits).

Women's Doubles - but should they be allowed to marry their partners?

So what can we expect to see from Ma Tina? Will she be able to obey the rules this time? Critics have said that her style is riddled with errors, starting with even the most basic service: for her it was like an act of homosexual intercourse. This caused apoplexy in the judges, who decided she had definitely overstepped the line.

Ma Tina's big weakness is her volley: she floats a lot of balls in the air - such as her argument from the doctrine of the Trinity that an embryo is not a person - only to have them smashed down by more orthodox players ("her ideas on the whole business are absurd," said one obstetrician, Dr Rafael Natal).

Roger, fed up with her.

On the whole, the prospects for Ma Tina do not look good, and it seems clear that she will not be winning many Catholic trophies in the near future, even if she survives Wimbledon. Apart from the Tablet, a paper known to maintain a sentimental affection for maverick players, few commentators now take her seriously.

Ma Tina - Now rot all over?