A guide to the Novus Ordo 1

This should really be written in Latin, so that as many people as possible will understand it, but since my blog is mostly in English, I shall use that.

Most of you will be used to a traditional Latin Mass (some, indeed, swear by the Sarum Rite and find the Tridentine chaps a little too modern), so the idea is to let you know what to expect if you stumble into a NO Mass by mistake.

Men do it too... prepare for the Mass by catching up on your gossip.

Now, when you go into church for an EF Mass, you expect the congregation to be praying reverently, in total silence. For a NO Mass, the liturgy says that you should gossip with your neighbour until the priest arrives (which is sometimes as part of an impressive procession, involving deacons, altar servers, liturgical dancers, late-comers, people wanting their farm animals blessed, and so forth).

Sorry, Father, I couldn't get a babysitter.

Now, what should you gossip about? The Missal is somewhat vague on this point, but here are some good opening lines:

1. I'm going to be taken off the sex-offenders register next week, 
you know.
2. Ugh, you sneezed! Have you got some loathsome disease?
3. I heard that the deacon called you a skonk. What's a skonk?
4. Warm today, isn't it? But then it was cold yesterday. 
I blame that carbon dioxide stuff. Have you got any in your garden?
5. Oh, is that a baby you're holding? I was going to give it 
some peanuts.
6. Let me finish this cheeseburger, and then we can have a 
good natter.

Excitement mounts as the priest leaves the vestry.

Well, in the NO it is quite usual to start with a hymn. Nothing written before 1965 is acceptable, but Shine, shine in the Light, or I the Lord of Kum Bah will do nicely. Then the singing stops, the altar-servers pick their noses (boys) or do their make-up (girls), and the priest is ready to speak!

Kaixo eta ongietorri gure Igande goizean meza!

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the Mass will be in the local tongue of the people (in this case, Basque). If you are lucky, the Missal will contain a parallel translation into Latin, but don't count on it.

Je ne regrette rien - the French version of the Act of Penitence.

Well, in the second instalment, we'll explain how to get through the bit that many people avoid by coming in late - the bit where we admit that we might possibly have sinned. Not seriously, of course. No worse than that horrible woman two rows in front. But a little bit. Maybe.

Continued in Part 2.

New Hymns 2

Today we are truly honoured to welcome King David, warrior, sex symbol and - as author of the Book of Psalms - the Paul Inwood of the 10th Century BC. Now, your Majesty...

D: Hey, it's not "Your Majesty!" Call me Dave.

"Dave," working on a psalm.

E: Yes, OK, Dave. Now I know you've had some embarrassing moments in your time, especially when Signor Michelangelo of the Italian paparazzi published a nude sculpture of you, but let's put that to one side now, and talk about your psalms.

D: Well, one likes to think one has a role as a Defender of Faiths, you know, and my psalms do seem to have gone down well with many in the Jewish, Christian and Muslim communities.

E: Still, they obviously need a little "refreshing" for modern audiences, and so that's why you're here today, I understand.

D: Yes, I was wondering about my Psalm 23 (as translated by King James himself): The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.Can you suggest something, Eccles?

A sheep, being sickeningly sweet.

E: Well, my general rule for modern hymns is, don't say too much about God, it's better to sing about yourself. And we could perhaps adapt the tune of "On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at," as Ilkley's a good place for sheep, I'm told.

The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep:
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep,
The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep.
Chorus: I like to go "Baa Baa!" 
I like to go "Baa Baa!" 
I like to go "Baa Baa!"

This sheep isn't as sweet, but he is on Ilkley Moor.

D: So how do you see the subsequent verses developing?

E: Well, as any modern hymn-writer will tell you, you only need to change one or two lines to get a completely new verse. So Verse 2 could be:

He makes me lie down in a field:
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
He makes me lie down in a field,
He makes me lie down in a field.
Chorus. I like to go "Baa Baa!" (x3)

D: My psalm is quite popular at funerals, you know, probably because of the lines: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Double-O-7, why have you brought me to the Valley of the Shadow of Death?

E: Well, Dave, have a go yourself.

D: O.K.

When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
Chorus. I like to go "Baa Baa!" (x3)

E: Magnificent, Dave! You've managed to drain out almost all the theology, and to leave just some comfortable stuff about sheep. Kevin Mayhew will be knocking at your door any time now, begging for the publishing rights.

You make a table for me, Lord...

Illness in de fambly

My Grate-Anti Moly is sufferin badly from Roflitis. As I has mentoined before, she gits dese spamsms when she can do nuffin but cakcle and roll on de floor. Sometimes it even happens in de street, when she is on her way to de gin shop.



Here is a sample diallog dat we has.

Bosco: Anti Moly, Hunny, I has to point out to you dat you aint saved, and dat your stateu of de celebritty blogger Cutley is a cement iddle. Whats wuss, he is a Cathlic and destinned for de Lake of Fire.
Anti Moly: Rofl!
Eccles: My dere bruvver Bosco is rihgt, Anti. You is a lost sheep wot Jessus wants to save. Dey say he's very good wiv bad-temppered sheep and dem sheep what drinks too much. Anti, I finks dat gittin saved mihgt be a wise move.
Anti Moly: Rofl! Rofl!
Eccles: Bosco my dere, I gonna sing a Calumy Chappel hynm to our dere Anti.

We is brihgt and beuatiful,
Our preechers dey is wise,
God says we is wonderful
And goin to de skies.

Each little nun you beat up,
Each little concrete dove,
Dey shows we's gonna meet up
Wiv rapture all above.

Chorrus (We is brihgt and beuatiful).

We don't care if we sins now,
Cos dey is all forgaved.
We does just what we likes now,
Because we all is saved.

Chorrus (We is brihgt and beuatiful).

Anti Moly: Rofl! Rofl! Rofl!
Bosco: Shut up Eccles, or does I mean Hilda? My head is achin again.

Anyways, Anti Moly is currently havin a rest cure in St Hysteria's hopsital for de danggerously silly, and we hopes dat dey will be able to cope wiv her. She started by frowin de encephologrom apparattus out of de winder, but now dey straped her down and is tryin to cure de Roflitis.



It aint all bad news. Bosco has stopped sleepin in a box, and avoiddin de daylihgt, so perhaps he is gettin over de shock of bein bitten by Camila. He is still pinnin for de fat acktress called Hildda tho. He discovvered dat she gotta duaghter and he wants to take dirty phottos of her for his own blogg. Dat's very rude Bosco, and I cant fink of many saved poeple who puts dirty phottos on dere bloggs.