Dr Bosco solves your problems

My bruvver Bosco has started giving out meddical advice.

Q: Dear Bosco, I am suffering from a sneezing fit. Can you help me?

A: Yes, of course sister Jessica. As well as being the only saved person round here, and known for giving helpful advice to Jesus, I am of course a skilled plumber and concert-standard nose-flautist. What is less well known is that I took a one-day course in medicine, which means that I know more about curing colds, flu, and allergies than any quack Brit MD who deserves to be thrown in the trash.

Bosco performs Mozart's 3rd Nose-flute Concerto K.999 with the Los Angeles Philharmonic.

Q: So what do you recommend, Bosco, dear?

A: I've found that Jack Chick's vitriolic nasal spray will remove your nose problems in no time. Don't bother with antibiotics, antihistamines, or Anti Moly's gin - just order your concentrated H₂SO₄ over the Internet. Or of course Chuck Smith's hydrofluoric acid nasal spray is even more potent...

Q: Thank you so much, Bosco, darling, but...

A: ... but of course it doesn't work unless you are a truly saved person who hates Catholics and is waiting for the Rapture. Next patient, please!

Saved persons sitting on a cloud at St Pancras station.

Bosco is mocked

My dere bruvver Bosco is bein annoyed by nasty Cathlics playin silly pracktical jokes at present. If you is doin any of de followin, cuold you please stop?

1. Some people is phonin Bosco and askin him: "Hello, Bosco, does you follow de Labm?" When my bruvver Bosco replies, "Yup, I sure does," dey shouts "BAAAAAAA!" at him. Dis confusses poor Bosco as he finks it is Jessus telephonnin him, and he rushes out lookin for sheep to follow. Dis aint de rihgt one, I is farely sure.



2. Some uvver bad poeple has contacted de local iddle companny and ordered 200 cemment doves to be delivvered to our huose. Aldough dese are de saccred animals of de Calumny Chappel, wot we likes to kiss, Bosco could not cope wiv de spiritaul overlaod of havvin to kiss 200 of dem.



3. We has had enquirries about de phottos on Bosco's luvvly blogg of poeple dressed up as costume holly men, kissin each uvver, which is WRONG but dat's what Cathlic preists does all de time.

Somebody asked Bosco to put dis photto on his blogg, to show dat we got de same probblem in de Calumny Chappel, but dat's not de point, is it?



4. We is allways waitin for de Rapture, when Jessus is gonna call his flock (Bosco and Eccles) home, and sepparate dem from de goats (which is everryone else, especailly Anti Moly). It aint helpin much dat somoene phonned us up and said "Bosco, de Rapture is happenin right now. Go and jump in de lake, and you will be snatched up to Heaven." Bosco went off at once to do de Lord's will, but we is beginnin to susspect dat it was a haox.



Bosco is you goin to be in dat lake a long time? We gonna have dinner soon.

Bosco is lost

Dis is a very worryin state of affairs. We has lost my dere bruvver Bosco. So far I got at least three thoeries about his disapearrance, which is leavin de poor folks on Damain Thopmson's blogg wivout any spirritaul giudance.

1. He have been taken by de Rapture.

Dis is possible, as we knows dat he is saved. But if so, why was I (Eccles) left behind? I is saved too, aint I? And does dey do pussonal Raptures like dat? Still, it may explane why dese shoes of Boscos is steemin. I fought it was just dat his feet was always hot and smelly.



2. He have been eaten by Anti Moly.

My dere Anti have a lean and hunggry look sometimes, and she does eat some strange fings, but I don't fink she can have done dis wikced deed.

Here is my Anti Moly lookin inoccent, as if butter wuoldnt melt in her mouf (in fact dat was just a figger of speech, she have been known to melt lumps of iron in her mouf when she gets reely cross).



3. He is doin somefink holly like saved poeple does.

In his campaing to become de next Pop, Bosco have been tryin very hard to be holly, and maybe he have gone into de willderness. We is grate fans of John de Batpist, and I fink Bosco may have packed hisself a nuorishin food parcel of loccusts and wild honey, so dat he can go away and medittate on de sacred mytseries, viz how many ways are dere of cookin loccusts and honey?

De Calumny Chappel has offered a reward.

$1000 if you finds where Bosco is, and makes sure he stays there.

Here is a pitcher of Bosco as we last saw him. Dont he look so sweet and gentel?
I do hopes he turns up agin soon.

Illness in de fambly

My Grate-Anti Moly is sufferin badly from Roflitis. As I has mentoined before, she gits dese spamsms when she can do nuffin but cakcle and roll on de floor. Sometimes it even happens in de street, when she is on her way to de gin shop.



Here is a sample diallog dat we has.

Bosco: Anti Moly, Hunny, I has to point out to you dat you aint saved, and dat your stateu of de celebritty blogger Cutley is a cement iddle. Whats wuss, he is a Cathlic and destinned for de Lake of Fire.
Anti Moly: Rofl!
Eccles: My dere bruvver Bosco is rihgt, Anti. You is a lost sheep wot Jessus wants to save. Dey say he's very good wiv bad-temppered sheep and dem sheep what drinks too much. Anti, I finks dat gittin saved mihgt be a wise move.
Anti Moly: Rofl! Rofl!
Eccles: Bosco my dere, I gonna sing a Calumy Chappel hynm to our dere Anti.

We is brihgt and beuatiful,
Our preechers dey is wise,
God says we is wonderful
And goin to de skies.

Each little nun you beat up,
Each little concrete dove,
Dey shows we's gonna meet up
Wiv rapture all above.

Chorrus (We is brihgt and beuatiful).

We don't care if we sins now,
Cos dey is all forgaved.
We does just what we likes now,
Because we all is saved.

Chorrus (We is brihgt and beuatiful).

Anti Moly: Rofl! Rofl! Rofl!
Bosco: Shut up Eccles, or does I mean Hilda? My head is achin again.

Anyways, Anti Moly is currently havin a rest cure in St Hysteria's hopsital for de danggerously silly, and we hopes dat dey will be able to cope wiv her. She started by frowin de encephologrom apparattus out of de winder, but now dey straped her down and is tryin to cure de Roflitis.



It aint all bad news. Bosco has stopped sleepin in a box, and avoiddin de daylihgt, so perhaps he is gettin over de shock of bein bitten by Camila. He is still pinnin for de fat acktress called Hildda tho. He discovvered dat she gotta duaghter and he wants to take dirty phottos of her for his own blogg. Dat's very rude Bosco, and I cant fink of many saved poeple who puts dirty phottos on dere bloggs.

Bosco in luv

I fink it was a mistake to git an actress to go out to dinner wiv Bosco prettendin to be de leggendary Hilda. I aint yet posted her pitcher, so here she is eatin a bananana, she's a big girl, aint she? Dere's anuvver photo on Bosco's own blogg.



Bosco finks she's addorable, but I fink she would be very expenssive to feed. Anyways, whenevver anyone telephons, Bosco gits out of de box he's sleepin in, russhes to de phon, and says "You is Hilda, aint you?" So far he have said dis to:

1. Someone trying to sell dubble glazzin, who heard dat Anti Moly keeps brakin winders when Damain Thopmson's blogg gets too excitin. Dey fink we'll need reinfforced glass.
2. Fr X. O' Cise of de Cathlics, who wants to explane to Bosco about worsship. I'll say more about dat bellow.
3. Our dere Mom, wot phons up once a month to remindd us to change our socks.
4. De pollice tellin us dat dey had fuond Anti Moly's pair of flase teef wot she lost yesterdday.

None of dem was Hilda. It's traggic, innit?

Anti Moly's teef was fuond embedded in de leg of Sister Terresa of de Cathlic Order of de Little Sisters of St Septiceamia, what looks after de sick and hypocondriac. Dats irronic as Sister Terresa aint feelin too good herself now, it mihgt be tetternus.

Dis worhsip fing is a dreddful habbit dat Cathlics got. Bosco says dat when Jessus comes again in Glorry - dat's de Rapture, for which we buoght pussonalised tickets at de Calumny Chappel Chritsmas Bazarre - de Cathlics is all gonna say "Git lost, we wants your Mom." In de Bibble it aint never recordded dat Jessus kissed his Mom, so dat proves dey didnt git on too well. She didnt even give him luvvin phon calls like Mom does when she tells Bosco "Change your socks you repptile, and stop writtin dat pathettic blogg." Father X. O' Cise says dat Cathlic worhsip aint quite like that but Anti Moly backs us up, she says she got rells who was Cathlics and dey spent all dere time kissin iddles so dat proves it.

Well, dats enuogh tholeogy for now.

Bosco, I is very shokced. Your herro Richard Dakwins, who gave you dat awarrd for your luvvly blogg, have been seen wiv a statue of Juppitter dat he was clearly plannin to kiss. Have he got no shamme?

A Cathlic book

Well, my bruvver Bosco esscaped from de hopsital and ran down de street, dat's not bad wiv all his injurries, but when de Lord is wiv you, and Jessus tells you dat you is saved, den you got de strentgh of ten men. Here is anuvver pitcher of Bosco showin a certtain quiet dignitty as he gives de kiss of peace to some passers-by who aint saved.



"Is we bein raptured, Bosco?" I asked when I cuaght him up. "Only I fought it would be more excittin dan dis."
"Shut up, Eccles," replied my bruvver. Dis is how he treats me when he is cross, I fink dat even when we gits to Heaven he's gonna say "Shut up, Eccles."

We got home and knokced on the door, becos dem nuns what beat us up had stollen our house keys. Grate-Anti Moly opened de door.
"You're de rabbit. Go away! Go back to your donnkeys! Sockpoppet!" she screamed.
"Who's de rabbit, Anti?" I asked.
"Both of you. Fannatical, traddie, sad, RC cliqque bigots of the worst sort, don't try to impose your superstitoins on me, you constantly insullt me but seem totally incappable of realizing this..."
"Eccles, go and git a botle of sherry from de shop round de corner," hissed Bosco.
"Is you sure, Bosco?" I whipsered back. "It seems a bit cruel to hit Anti wiv a sherry botle. Maybe we could clibm in thruogh a window instead."
"It's for her to drink, you punchdrunk airhead!" repplied my bruvver, kindly puttin me straihgt.

Two hours later in de house, Anti was snorrin peacefully. But Bosco was readin a big book and gittin more and more angry. "Eccles, look at dis Cathlic book I found!" he shouted. "Dis proved dey aint saved, dem fillthy swine! It says here: 'Jesus was no more than a mortal whom We favored and made an example to the Isrealites.'"

"Bosco, we gottem!" I said. "Dis proves dat de Cathlics is wrong from start to finish and dey can't be saved. Woss this Cathlic book called den?"
"Dey calls it de Korran," said Bosco. "I read on de Internet dat it was written by a Pop called Mohhamed. Dey got a lot about dis Allah chap in it, I fink he's a Cathlic iddle."
Well we is an unassaillable position now, and I spose dem Cathlics aint gonna dare show dere faces round here in futture.

Here's a pitcher of a liddle boy worshippin a golden iddle. It shows dat dem Cathlic leads dere kids into iddletree very young, I finks it's shockin, and so does Bosco.

Bosco got de rapture

Bosco was still in de hopsital recoverin from his wounds. Dey took all de plaster off, cos he said it made him look like a cemment iddle, but dey still had to leave lotsa banddages on. Dis is Bosco havvin a consulltation wiv de doctor.



We had a bit of a fihgt when de doctor tried to X-ray my bruvver, becos after all X-ray pitchers is gravven immages and we aint allowed to worshipp em. Still, de two nusses dat Bosco knokced out wiv his fists was probbably Cathlics, and anyway dis is de best place to be if you is gonna get knokced out.

I heard de doctors talkin to demselves, and dey said "Dis Bosco chap got a rapture. He gonna need a truss." Dis was grate news and I went over to tell my bruvver.
"You got de rapture, Bosco. Has you got a truss?"
"Yup, I put my truss in Jessus," said Bosco. "We'd better git ready for de rapture, Eccles."

I got up to look out of de window for Jessus, and turned back. Bosco had disapearred! He was taken up by de rapture! Well, we knew dat Bosco was very pius, he's always persecuttin Cathlics so its only fair dat he shuold be chosen first. Dis is a nun dat he punched in de eye when she was doin an evill Cathlic thing, collectin money for orhpans, I fink it was.



It aint ovbious what you is sposed to do when your big bruvver gits taken up to Heaven, so I fought I'd go out into de street and try and attract Jessus's attentoin, so dat I could be saved too. What was strange was dat down de corridor I cuold here Bosco's voice commin from Heaven, dis is supernatrual like when we heres de voice of de Lord in de Calumny Chappel sayin "DAT IDIOT BOSCO IS A REEL LOSER."

But what Bosco was sayin was "You Cathlics is all dammed, you gonna end up in de lake of fire cos you put a dime in de collection and it was spent on feedin de homeless poeple, you is all repsonsible for de crimes of your preists becuase you didnt know about dem, and sometimes dey didnt do any, how dumb can you be you aint got Jessus in your life and de rapture is here and you is left behind, I'm gonna make you sorry you was kissin de Pop's feet, take out your beads and bow down to de cement iddles like de Pop tells you to, you and your devillish church, dont give me any of dat 'do unto others' nonsense it aint in de book of Revellation, which is de only bit of de Bible dat we reads in de Calumny Chappel, although sometimes we has Winnie de Poo, and Alouse in Wonderland cos dey doesnt give us such bad headaches, dat Mad Hatter chap he's definitely been saved..."

Den I heard a luod CRASH and Bosco cryin "Take dat you luosy pevreted Cathlic priest thinkin you can come in here and give de last rites to Cathlics and send dem to Hell." I turned de corner and dis was de scene dat I came upon, wiv one of de doctors confronttin Bosco.



Woss goin on Bosco, is we raptured or aint we?