De return of Bruvver Bosco

My darlin bruvver gettin ready to visit a sacred shrine

Well, it was over 6 months since we heard much of my big bruvver Bosco (we left him in Callifornia sittin on a pole), but now we got news dat he is in England. Bosco tellephonned me and said "Eccles, I is goin to de Ollympic Games in London, so dat I can sabbotage de Vatican Ollympic team by throwin banana skins under dem. Dem costume holly men aint gonna git any meddles wiv me around."

Well I looked around, but it didn't seem dere was much of a Vatican team. Dey has recriuted Arthur Roche, de famuos ice-skater, but dat will be for de next Winter Ollympics, it seems.

Farver, is you sure dis is an Ollympic event?

Still, we did find some worryin signs of iddle worship, and I fink Bosco needs to come along and do some smitin.

Iddle worshipper seen in London

Bosco decided not to go to London, which is a grate pity, as we was all reddy to kill de fatted calf for de prodigious son. In fact we aint got a fatted calf, but Anti Moly was gonna make him a Cronish Pastie instead - bein a crone herself she got de authentick recipe. However, Bosco decided to go to Wallsingham, which is a holly place in Norfolk. Dey gots lotsa shrines dere, like Angliccan, Cathlic and Orthoddox, wot is all unsaved poeple, and Bosco was plannin to open a branch of de Calumny Chappel dere to show de piglrims what really saved poeople looks like.

Bosco is alreddy startin to make his mark there. De Cathlics has got a Slipper Chappel at Wallsingham, and Bosco bein a witty sort of pusson has left lotsa banana skins outside it - de ones he was gonna use for de Pop's Ollympic team - so dat all de piglrims is now slippin over, and swearin in a way dat piglrims doesnt often do.

A piglrim on de way to de Slipper Chappel

It seems dat Bosco aint too impressed by Wallsingham so far. "Iddles everywhere!" he screemed. Bosco, dere, if you is reedin dis blogg, perhaps you could comment from de perspecktive of a saved pusson, wot you fink of dis Sattanic iddle wot I seen in London?

Sattanic iddle seen in London

A geust blogger, de Brad of Avon

It aint easy to keep writin spiritaully nuorishin fings about how Bosco and me is saved, and de Cathlics is all headin for de Lake of Fire, so I has got a geust blogger to do it for me todday.



Well, God's above all; and there be souls must be saved, and there be
souls must not be saved.
(Othello)

For mine own part,—no offence to the general, nor any man of quality,—
I hope to be saved.
(Othello)

Descend to darkness and the burning lake!
(Henry VI part II)

Enough; I read your fortune in your eye.
Was this the idol that you worship so?
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)



O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipp'd, kiss'd, loved and adored!
And, were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

Quit presently the chapel, or resolve you
For more amazement. If you can behold it,
I'll make the statue move indeed, descend
And take you by the hand.
(Winter's Tale)

Boskos vauvado: I understand thee, and can speak thy tongue.
(All's Well That Ends Well)

But, good my brother,
Do not as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven.
(Hamlet)



But what is your affair in Elsinore?
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.
(Hamlet)

Priest, beware your beard,
I mean to tug it and to cuff you soundly:
Under my feet I stamp thy cardinal's hat:
In spite of pope or dignities of church,
Here by the cheeks I'll drag thee up and down.
(Henry VI Part I)

Yet I alone, alone do me oppose
Against the pope and count his friends my foes.
(King John)

The piece of tender air, thy virtuous daughter,
Which we call 'mollis aer;' and 'mollis aer'
We term it 'mulier'.
(Cymbeline)

If there be more, more woeful, hold it in;
For I am almost ready to dissolve,
Hearing of this.
(King Lear)



Well, dat's all de Shakespere you needs to know. Dere is some uvver stuff no duobt, but it aint needed for Salivation.

Anti wins a prize

As you all know, my Grate-Anti Moly is a grate admirrer of de fammous blogger Cuttley, who she describes as "saintly, piuos, holly and wise, and not like dat clique of traddy Cathlics." Indeed, when Bosco knocked de head off a stateu of St Peter a month ago, she had anuvver head made, so dat she had an iddle of Cuttley to worhsip. Here it is again.



Anyway, de Tellegrahp held a compettition "Complete de folowwin in not more than 12 extra words: 'My favuorite Tellegrahp blogger is X X becuase ...' and win a stateu of him or her."

Dat's a real chalenge. Does you go for de meek and humble Delingpol what is always warnin us about crabon emmisions? Perhaps de intelect of Broiny Gorddon is what excites you? Or de beuaty of Mary Riddle? Dere is our old freind Damain Thopmson who has done more dan anyone else allive to warn us about de evil Joanne Hairy. Or perhaps you likes Stephen Huogh what plays de pianner in pubs? Or dere's Nomran Tebit and Daneil Hannann, what knows about currant afairs, what a pity dey never went into politicks. Pussonally, I likes wise old Goeffrey Lean who has been an envroinmental coresspondent for 80 years and knows about de dangers of horseless carraiges.

"I's gonna win dis," said Anti Moly. Dis is what she entered.

"My favuorite Tellegrahp blogger is Tom Chivvers becuase he is kind, freindly, cheerfull, cheeky, handsome, sensible, and not a Cathlic."

Anti won, and here is de stattue dat dey has just delivvered. It goes well wiv de stattue of Cuttley.



Of course Tom Chivvers aint saved, but we has high hopes of gettin him to come along to de Calumny Chappel some time, dressed as a clown.

I has just got time to show you a fambly snapp. Dis is my Anti Moly gate crashin de royal weddin of Willaim and Katte, disgiused as a nun (she is de old one wot looks cross). Some time I is gonna have to find out how dis happened. Anti Moly says she was dere incoggnito as a seccret agent to prottect de happy cuople, but it's more likely dat she was simply runnin away from de pollice and took a wrong turning.

Screemin Pops

Well, you may have bin wonderin why my dere bruvver Bosco is keepin a low proffile at present, dats becuase he is busy on his campaing to save de Cathlic churhc by becommin de next Pop. As I explaned, he sent out letters to all de Cradinals wiv dis offer of Salivation:

ULLO COSTUME HOLY MAN, YOU AINT SAVED. VOTE BOSCO FOR POP!

He aint got many repplies yet, in fact de only one he got back was from someone called Cradinal Sockpope, who he didnt even write to. Dis Cradinal said "Git lost you pathettic sporn of Sattan," which suggests dat he probbably aint gonna vote for Bosco. What's more, we aint sure dat Cradinal Sockpope is a real person, anyway.

Bosco have been usin de resauces of Goggle and Wikkipedia to find out what Pops does when dey aint burnin poeple. He found dis pitcher by a lady called Frances Baccon, which is entittled "Screemin Pop".



We fink de Pop is bein drenched in hot water, dat's why he's screemin. Does Pops have to keep dere clothes on when dey takes a shower?

Meanhwile I has made a sclupture of my Anti Moly, which we puts in de gardden to scare away de crows. We dat is saved knows it aint reely an iddle, and so we doesnt kiss it. Come to think of it, de last time I kissed my Anti, she kicked me in de shins, so I doesnt do dat no more niether.



My Anti Moly has recorded a disc of her singin songs (she does dat in de bath), and I is advertisin it bellow. De procedes will go to Anti Moly's Gin Fund, which is a charitty aimed at keepin old ladies off de streets.

Don't be worried about de steem commin out of de top of her head, it happens quite often.

---

DE SOOTHIN SOUNDS OF MOLY BENDITE



ON SAIL NOW AT ALL GOOD RECCORD STORES

DE ANTI DOTE TO SCREEMIN POP SONGS

Bad day for Bosco

Well Bosco had a bad day. As I explaned he was gonna get himself a hallo and wings, so dat poeple in de street would nottice him and say "Dis man is saved." His first attempt at dressin like an angle weren't very sucessful, but he was certtainly notissed. We gotta try another shop, Bosco, dere is somefink sutbly wrong wiv your costtume, I rekcons.



Den he got into trubble for tryin to set fire to a shop dat was sellin iddles. De spiritaul juorney of a saved pusson aint always easy, Bosco my dere.



Bosco is very cross dat de Pop has been to Maddrid. "Why does dey let him go to World Youf Day when he's 84?" he asked me. "Dat's nearly as old as Anti Moly! It just shows dat dem Cathlics cant get any yuong poeple to go."
My thoery is dat de Pop is there to sell his books, cos he writes a lot of dem, and also to conficsate any Bibbles dat he finds, as Cathlics aint allowed to read de Bibble like we does.

Brakin news: Anti Moly has been releesed from St Hysteria's hopsital, even thuogh she's still cakcling uncontrolably. Here is a photto of her on her way home to her loved ones (Bosco and Eccles).



Finally, dis blogg is now gettin some sponssorship and so I gotta put adverts on it occassionally.

---

IS YOUR SOLE DIRTY? DEN USE CALUMNY CHAPPEL SOPE TO WASH YORE SINS AWAY.

WE GAURANTEES YOU IS SAVED, OR ELSE YOU GITS YOUR MONNEY BACK.

ALSO GOOD FOR CLEENIN STATTUES AND GRAVVEN IMAGGES.

Bosco is trully saved

Bosco, my dear bruvver, I has taken a pitcher of your girlfiend's duaghter dat you can put on your luvvly blogg wiv all de pitchers of Pops kissin each uvver and nasty relicks. She's a luvvly girl aint she, so I fink I'll put a photto on my blogg too, althuogh when dey lets her out of de funny farm hopsital Anti Moly will say it is SEX.



Well, enuogh of dese romatick fings. De good news is dat Bosco is trully saved, as de Lord sent an angle down to see him and tell him. She droped in today, and I took her photto standin next to Bosco. I fink dat my bruvver was feelin a little inseccure about bein saved, so it is good to get reasurance directly from Jessus.



Bosco he have reackted very well to dis visit from the angle, he sang a little song sayin dat his sole mangified de Lord, but I didnt write it down. Bosco have decidded dat it is time he let his lihgt shine on de world. Dat means, he will save more poeple if dey can see him comin, and know dat he is one of Gods ellect. So Bosco have decided to git hold of a hallo and some wings, dat he can wear when walkin down de street.

Meanhwile Bosco, I is very concerrned as I has fuond dis iddle of St Pancrass. I knows it is St Pancrass, as I got it from Goggle, which Anti Moly assures me is de fuont of all wissdom, appart from your blogg, that is.

Bosco's birfday pressent

It was Bosco's birfday, and now dat de banddages was off Bosco was able to enjoy it to de full. I had saved up my monney and buoght Bosco a lovely religuos arttifact, viz a stattue of St Peter for de gardden. Bosco he was not very pleased by dis, he said it was an iddle and he knokced de head off.

Here is Bosco's birfday pressent after he got cross wiv it.



"Dat stuppid Eccles he aint never got de hang of iddles," he said. "He finks de saccred dove of de Callumny Chappel dat we bows down to is an iddle, and he dont recognise a real blashpemy when he sees it. He aint gonna be saved liked me."

Dem's creul words Bosco, and what's more he still seems to think I is called Hilda, dats crazzy. We was gonna frow de stattue out, but Grate-Anti Moly said she mihgt have a use for it, and she got a scluptor to make a new head to her own dessign.



"Dat's luvvly," she said. "You can see dat he is a pius saintly wise pusson, not like dem traddie Cathlics."

She sez it is de cellebrity blogger Cuttley. What's more he have written a best-sellin commic novell and will be visitin Lost Angels soon to sing coppies of it. But Bosco sez he aint saved.

A truimph for Anti Moly

My dere bruvver Bosco is still convalecsing. De banddages will soon be off and he will be able to ressume a normal life as a saved pusson loved by Jessus who only wants to do de Lords will and beet up Cathlics.

Here is Bosco gittin up in de mornin after spendin de night in de fridge, as he is still very hot and he don't want a meltdown like Grate-Anti Moly.



Indeed Anti Moly was a bit of a niusance last nihgt, she was up until 7 a.m. bloggin. At 5 a.m. we heard banging from her room, and went in to find she was dancin a jigg. "Hee heh hee!" she said. "Fiffteen months hard work has bin rewardded! I gottim at last! He misspelt 'pracktise', de poor pathettic sad Cathlic sockpoppet. Dat eleggant holy devoted cultured pius humbble courteuos devuot saintly witty adorrable learned gentleman Cuttley wuold never have done dat. Now I gottim on de ropes."

It's good dat my Anti has a hobby in life, especailly as de part-time job as a banshee didnt work out too well. We is finkin of gettin a stattue of dis Cuttley chap for Anti Moly to kiss de foot of, it will be a suprise pressent for her.

Bosco is still improvin his mind by readin educkational websites. He was lookin at how.de.pop.organnized.de.riots.in.london.org which gives a puerly factaul account of how Cathlics has been settin fire to biuldings becuase dey fuoght dere was saved poeple inside, and dat dey was steelin televisoins so dat dey cuold worhsip de gravven images on dem.

Bosco dere I fuond dis pitcher dat shows de worhsip of iddles is even worse dan I fought. Here is some dirty Cathlic encuoragin his kids to worhsip a dogg stateu. Dats probbably somethin to do with ancient Egpyt, Bosco.



Bosco sez dat if he cuold he wuold take de kids away from dere parents and have dem bruoght up by de Calumny Chappel. How else can dey be saved?

I gotta job

Well, it is de holliday season, and de Tellegraph has recalled me to duty as a muddlerator, becos so many of dere fine muddleratin team in Sir Lanka is gonna be away. So I aint postin so much over de next few weeks. Who's gonna look after Bosco, I reely dont know, but we gave my dere bruvver a good bath and tiddied up his banddages. He is now peacefully lookin at a website called kill.a.cathlic.and.win.a.cadillac.com, which he says gives a frank and unbbiased analysis of Cathlic docktrine, and perhaps also a free car. So maybe he's OK for now.



De Tellegraph has given me some new giudelines about how to do dis muddleration fing. For example, here are a few sample blog postins, before and after muddleration.

How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!
What is't you do?

How now, you secret
What is

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar.

Friends, lend me your ears!
I come to praise him.
men do lives after them
The good is oft
So let it be.

In fact de Tellegraph muddleration team is workin on a muddlerated edittion of Shaksepeare, which is gonna be far more poppular as all de bits where peeple gits cross and calls each other fanattical sockpoppets will be removed.

My Grate-Anti Moly says she aint very keen on muddleration, as she finds dat de best way she can comunnicate wiv de world is to insullt it. "Dem bullyin Cathlic traddies reportted my posts," she sez. Den she goes off to spend time wiv her only love, her cherie botle, dats a French joke, I doesnt reely understand it.

Bosco likewise gits very cross if he spends two hours finking of new ways to say dat Cathlics aint saved, and den de muddlerators removes his beuatiful senttiments. He have also got a new thoery dat cement iddles has got reel peeple inside, we found a photto showing de Cathlics tryin to manufacturre one.



However, de good news is dat Bosco's girlfiend, Camila Van Pyre, is ruound here a lot, she says he looks like a flim star wiv dem banddages. When she was a little girl she used to go and see dem flims wiv her mummy, I fink dat's what she said.

Bosco got de rapture

Bosco was still in de hopsital recoverin from his wounds. Dey took all de plaster off, cos he said it made him look like a cemment iddle, but dey still had to leave lotsa banddages on. Dis is Bosco havvin a consulltation wiv de doctor.



We had a bit of a fihgt when de doctor tried to X-ray my bruvver, becos after all X-ray pitchers is gravven immages and we aint allowed to worshipp em. Still, de two nusses dat Bosco knokced out wiv his fists was probbably Cathlics, and anyway dis is de best place to be if you is gonna get knokced out.

I heard de doctors talkin to demselves, and dey said "Dis Bosco chap got a rapture. He gonna need a truss." Dis was grate news and I went over to tell my bruvver.
"You got de rapture, Bosco. Has you got a truss?"
"Yup, I put my truss in Jessus," said Bosco. "We'd better git ready for de rapture, Eccles."

I got up to look out of de window for Jessus, and turned back. Bosco had disapearred! He was taken up by de rapture! Well, we knew dat Bosco was very pius, he's always persecuttin Cathlics so its only fair dat he shuold be chosen first. Dis is a nun dat he punched in de eye when she was doin an evill Cathlic thing, collectin money for orhpans, I fink it was.



It aint ovbious what you is sposed to do when your big bruvver gits taken up to Heaven, so I fought I'd go out into de street and try and attract Jessus's attentoin, so dat I could be saved too. What was strange was dat down de corridor I cuold here Bosco's voice commin from Heaven, dis is supernatrual like when we heres de voice of de Lord in de Calumny Chappel sayin "DAT IDIOT BOSCO IS A REEL LOSER."

But what Bosco was sayin was "You Cathlics is all dammed, you gonna end up in de lake of fire cos you put a dime in de collection and it was spent on feedin de homeless poeple, you is all repsonsible for de crimes of your preists becuase you didnt know about dem, and sometimes dey didnt do any, how dumb can you be you aint got Jessus in your life and de rapture is here and you is left behind, I'm gonna make you sorry you was kissin de Pop's feet, take out your beads and bow down to de cement iddles like de Pop tells you to, you and your devillish church, dont give me any of dat 'do unto others' nonsense it aint in de book of Revellation, which is de only bit of de Bible dat we reads in de Calumny Chappel, although sometimes we has Winnie de Poo, and Alouse in Wonderland cos dey doesnt give us such bad headaches, dat Mad Hatter chap he's definitely been saved..."

Den I heard a luod CRASH and Bosco cryin "Take dat you luosy pevreted Cathlic priest thinkin you can come in here and give de last rites to Cathlics and send dem to Hell." I turned de corner and dis was de scene dat I came upon, wiv one of de doctors confronttin Bosco.



Woss goin on Bosco, is we raptured or aint we?

Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.



On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.



"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.



Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.



I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.

Damain Thopmson in Lost Angels

I has editted together de postins I made about Damain's visit to us in May, just before I started dis blogg, since dey may be new to some readers who wants to learn how to be saved like Bosco and me.

Hello dere Damain Thopmson and welcome to Lost Angels on behalf of me and my darlin bruvver Bosco, who will be along in a minnit when we hav stopped him chasin a mouse round de room - dem anti-Catlick tabblets aint doin much good, I muss say. Still at least he is usin de barfroom now, not licking hisself all over when he gits dirty. We is suprised dat you was lookin for de Cannabis Chappel, dats not us, we is de Calumny Chappel, and we'd like to welcom you. Bosco have got a luvly colletcion of iddles dat you can kiss and worhsip, some of wich I bin makin in my sclupture classes. Also de relicks of a reel matryr, a nun who dropped in not expectin to be a matryr liffe is full of suprises innit? See you soon, Damain.

Bosco sugessted to Damain dat he go and see Pastor Armi, hes one of de best guys in de Calamari Chappel. He'll put Damain rihgt about various thoeloggical points, viz, stop kissin iddles and start beeting up nunns.

Shall I tell dem bruvver dere of how we met Damain, who is in Lost Angels rihgt now doin research on donuts addiction? Perhaps de world is not yet reddy for de storry of you bein chassed down de street dressed as a nunn, while Damain told de cops dat he was Cardinal Richeliue, dem donuts sure is strong.

Well, I aint sure dat Damain's gonna be postin a new blogg yet awhile. He met my bruvver Bosco and me in Lost Angles, and den we overdossed on donuts. Bosco he is in hidin until he can change out of dat nunn's costumme (and de nunn is in hidin until she can change out of de Bosco Calumny Chappel clown vestmeants). Damain he is at de copshop explanin dat he aint reely Cardinnal Richeliue its jest a disgiuse he wares for Mass. I was hoppin to git to my sclupture class to make a new iddle, but in fact I am at de hosspital dressed as a nurse and helpin delliver a babby. We droped it on de hed as dat is what hapened to Bosco when he was born and hav you ever seen a finner figgure of a man? Dis may all take some time to sort out.

Here's a photo of Damain dat proofs what I say is true.



It aint easy bein in Lost Angles at de moment I kin tell you. We got Damain Thopmson addicted to dognuts (I is usin de Brittish spelling here), wich is havin a strange affect on him, makin him write bloggs about Achbishops wiv no shirts on. Den my dere bruvver Bosco he is a handfull too, but Mom sez I should kepe an eye on him an if he gets too excitted by de site of nunns, we must pray to de saintts to calm him down. Ah, I has just been infromed dat de guy wiv no shirt aint an Achbishop he's a Pop Iddle called R. Willaims, dats reely bad, Bosco will be worshippin him.

We bin havin a grate time wiv Damain in Lost Angles. He kept sayin "Givvus a gravven immage to bow dowwn to, I is missin dem," but we told him dey was forbiden didnt we, well except for de statues of de saints dat we keeps in our bedrooms to protect us, Bosco. I fink dat we definately got it wrong takin him to de dognut place, and you can tell by his blogg dat he is now in a very confussed state.

We has a lot of worries over my dere bruvver Bosco, his enthumiasms is always runnin away wiv him and we has to keep him under controll. At de momment we is struglingg to find de best meddication for him and dem anti-Catlick pills aint no good nosiree, I has to keep removin de dead mice dat he brings in to de Calumny Chappel, de Pasta hes gitting fed up wiv it. And de birds is worse, we had de Gospell "Is not two sparows sold for a penny?" and Bosco he gits out his money and says "It's nearly lunchtime I'll take a dozen." He aint nothin but wory to his neerest and deerest dats me his little bruvver Eccles.

No more anti-Catlick pills for you my dere Bosco, it aint no fun havin to empty your litter tray every day. Also dem dead birds is very hard to explane to de neigbours. Now dat I got de house tidy we has invitted Damain Thopmson for dinner, you got any idea what Catlicks eat, it can't just be dognuts can it?

Here is a pitcher of de Calumny Chappel picnic, dese social events is very good for de sole.



We has more urggent problems to deal wiv. I don't mean de fack dat de Calumny Chappel was struck by lightnin yesterdday and a big vioce shouted BLASHPEMERS at us, I is sure dere is an inocent explanation, perhaps it is mice. No, we has got to do somethin about our geust Damain, as he has taken off his shirt and is singin unussual songs like "Pray", "I Found Heaven" and "How Deep Is Your Love", I geuss dey is Cathlic hynms but its very annoyin to de neihgbors at 4 a.m. All advise welcome.
P.S. Bosco, Jessus phoned up and wants to borow a bred knive, shall I take it out of de nuns boddy and wash it?

As I explaned abbove, we has got two big probblems to deal wiv:
1) De Calumny Chapel struck by lightnin and de vioce from Heaven saying "GIT RID OF DE SINNER BOSCO OR I'LL DO IT AGIN TOMMOROW."
2) Damain our housegeust who wont stop singeing Cathlic songs at 4 a.m. Dis "Shine" seems to be an arrangment of "Shine, Jessus, shine", wot I don't know. I fink I preferred it when he was singeing "I Found Heaven". Also we is out of dognuts and I has to go to de Cannabis Chappel to git some more.

It seems dat de Calumny Chappel biulding is gonna be out of use for a while as it was struck by lighnin again and a mighty vioce shouted "I WARNED YOU FOLKS DAT BOSCO AINT SAVED." Still de local lunatick assylumm is bein very freindly and lettin us use dere premisses aldough dey say dey arent traind to deal wiv reel nutjobs I aint sure what dey is refferin to, franckly.
You may have heard dat de cops is lookin for an evengellical in a nuns habit and dey has released a pitcher of him.



Bosco my dere it may be best for you to come home after dark tonite.

In fack Damain spent several happy days wiv my darlin bruvver Bosco and me, eatin dognuts and attendin servvices at de Lost Angels Funny Farm (incorpporatin de Calumny Chappel). We also sang de hynms from a grate pope group called Whats Dat, and danced some luvvly dances, as reccounted in Damain's bloggs. At de end Damain he said "Help I gotta go on a retreet dere must be a Cathlic proiry I can hide in dats got lots of iddles for me to kiss." Bosco he said he'd go alongg as well, cos he quite liks de novellty of goin to servvices where dey doesnt ask you to ware a straitjakcet. Damain werent very plaesed but we perssuaded him wiv a big stick. So at de momment we free mosquetears is unitted at Mappledurram.



Bosco my dere bruvver it turns out dat we are not in Mappledurram after all, but on a flim set in Hollywood. You can tell from de photo dat Damain took, dem's not Domminican fryers dey is actors I fink one of dem is Tom Criuse. Also I is very good at jography and I fink it takes more than 1 hour to get to Enggland (aint dat nere India?) De uvver posibility is dat we is in some sort of hopsital, did you notiss dat de winders got bars on and some of de rooms has got padded walls? Damain he says dat he is bein driven mad by trolls on his blogg, and needs a rest, I fink dat its a Cathlic superstittion. But I still wonder why Tom Criuse is here. Anyway you gotta go now a man in a white cote has invitted you to have a lay down on a cuoch dat may be a Cathlic ritaul. See ya later Bosco.

Bosco my dere bruvver, I found out de name of dis place where we is stayin wiv Damain, it is de Mappledurram Rest Home for Nervos Wrekcs. I hopes you got on OK wiv de man in de white coat. I bin talkin to Tom Criuse in de next room who aint very keen on Jessus but he says you could be a 3rd Level Thetan of Xoonoo, was you by any chance born on de planet Plutto? I said I aint sure but maybe Mom can remmember. Meanhwile Damain is writtin some more bloggs, fortified by dognuts and de ocassional interlood when he go into de chappel to dance and sing de gratest hits of Wots Dat. Luv ya Bosco.

Bosco, I bin trying to convert Tom Criuse to de Cavalary Chapple doctrins dat we hold so dere, viz hittin nuns and writtin luvly bloggs, but he said dey was too wakcy even for him, and instead dat you shuold study to become a Level 4 Thetan, wich involves puriffyin de body of druggs such as dognuts. Lots of luv from bruvver Eccles, and de man in de white cote says you left a little statoo of de Verger Mary in his consulttin room, please come and git it.

Dis is what Tom Criuse looks like. He seems perfickly normal to me.



Ullo, Bosco my dere bruvver, we sure is havvin a grate time at dis Mappledurram Home for de Dangerously Loony, aint we? I found de Priests Hole and I asked dem is it OK to lock up a nun down it, like we does at the Calumny Chappel, but dey said no dat aint what its for. Meanhwile Damain he is busy writin a blogg its a pity dat hes only alowed to use a crayon so dat he dont hurt hisself but he is a man dat has suferred much from de evil bisshops of de Magick Circus. Now Bosco, Dr Fraud he sez its time for your therrypie agin and he have got a new peace of carpett for you to chew, dat will be nice, innit?

I was havvin a nice chat wiv Tom Criuse dis mornin, an he sez dat you orta stop dis Calumny Chappel stuff, Bosco, as its too strange, and concentarte on becomin a 4th level thetan, you could call youseelf St Xooboo, dere is a man from Pluto in Ward 19 who will tell you more about dis opportunity he got green skin and a tevelision arial in his hed.

Bosco my dere bruvver I got grate news dat dey is releasin us from de Mappledurram Home for Ravin Looneys to be precise dey sed dey cuold do nothin for us dats wonderfull innit? Tom Criuse he is very disapointed dat you aint gonna become a Level 4 thetan but he said dat if you ever gets dizzy spells and starts foamin at de mouf agin den you will have a walcum in his chruch of science fiction.

So it's great to be back in Lake Hellsinere after de trubbles we had in Lost Angels, and now Damian has been relleased and gone east to ressearch book adicttion life is gonna be quiet for a while.



Dis pitcher what was on Damain's blog is an iddle, dey calls him Buddah an he sits around all day not bein saved dats de way dem Cathlics behave. You can tell its a Cathlic fing as it sez Maryland on it and we know who Mary was, dat pesky woman in de Bibble who wouldnt shut up but kept singing dat her sole was mangifyin de Lord.

Finally Bosco your girlfiend sez she aint too happy about havin her pitcher on your blogg.



Note to readers - Bosco have got a new girlfiend since den, de luvvly Camila Van Pyre.

Bite me!

Well, Bosco spent most of Saturday evenin phonin round de local Cathlic preists and leavin insultin messages on dere ansa-phons explainin dat all Cathlic preists is pevrets. Dis is a necesarry part of savin dere soles. Sometimes de preists anwsered de phon demselves, for example, de Achbishop of Lost Angels was in when Bosco telehponed. Dis is what Bosco told me about de conservation dey had.

"Ullo, dere, Achbishop Gómez speekin. Did ya wanna buy an indullgence? I'se sorry but we aint doin dem no more. And de iddle shop is closed until Monday."
"BITE ME, José, you stupid Mexxican Cathlic! Watch it dat I doesnt put ya on my wonderfool blogg, ya pevret!"
"Ah, Bosco, my son, how nice to hear from you. Is dem Weirdozol tabblets helpin your delussions?"

But Bosco slamed down de reciever, we aint gonna cast our purls before swines. I got de Achbishop's pitcher here, see he's wearin a Babble-onion fish hat, dat proves he aint saved. He looks like a really viscous truoble-maker, don't he?



On Sunday we went to de local Cathlic church to save dem sinners. In de end Bosco didnt go dressed as a pirate, cos de parrot on his shuolder kept sayin "I bin saved! Bite me! I bin saved! Bite me!" I can't imaggine where he gits dat from. So Bosco went dressed in some clothes dat he borrowed from Mrs Riddle, de Angle of Death. We slipped in quietly, blendin unnotissed wiv de congreggation.



Father Xavier O' Cise was givin a sermmon on de feedin of de five million wiv bread and fish and dat how dis meant dat de Cathlics should buy all de iddles which was on sale at de back of the churhc. He puased for a moment, and so Bosco and me got up and sang dis fammous Calumny Chappel hynm.

BITE ME, O Thou great Redeemer,
Clowning frew dis barren land.
I bin saved, but no-one else is;
Thanks to Thy almighty hand.
Bread and Pizza, wiv Pastrami,
Feed me till I wants no more;
Feed me till I wants no more.

Well dem Cathlics didnt hang aruond waitin to be saved, dey sent in an army of nuns to beet us up (de Little Sisters of St Rambo). Dey frew Bosco and me out into de street. See, I gotta photo which proves de truth of what I sez.



Well, Bosco, how is we ever goin to save des wikced poeple?

Weepin stattues

I has always been a bit septical of dese Cathlic claims dat stattues can weep, but Bosco says dat his stattue of St Cristina, which he won in a compettion, is keepin him awake at nihgt, cryin dat it wants to go home. I aint actaully seen it cryin, but Bosco never tells lies, and here is a pitcher of his bedroom flooded wiv tears.



We took advices from Pastor De Mentia of de Calumny Chappel, and he came along to see the stattue. Of course it weren't cryin when he saw it in Bosco's bedroom, and de Pastor said sternly "Bosco, we know you aint tellin lies, as saved people can't ever do dat. But it's still very mysterrious."

Last nihgt I was sleepin sweetly in my bed, and dreemin of de Pop swimmin in de Lake of Fire. He was shoutin "My it's hot in here. I is beginnin to susspect dat I aint saved. I shoulda dressed up as a clown like dat Bosco told me to!" Den I heard a loud screem from Bosco's room, so I went to investtigate.
"Whats bin happenin, Bosco, darlin bruvver?" I asked. "Has Anti Moly bin practisin her Banshee shreiks? She takes her new job very seriously. De feersome cry of 'sockpoppet' freezes poeple to de spot."
"No, Eccles, you blokchead," replied my affecktionate bruvver. "I was tryin to cheer up de weepin stattue by readin it some humerus excertps from my luvvly blog, but it went off into historics."

I is wonderin whether this could all be Bosco's imaggination, cos I aint seen de stattue weepin yet. Anyways, we can forgit dis for de moment, as tomorrow is Sundday and we gonna save lotsa poeple, who aint expectin it.

Bosco, if you gotta minute, I is still worried about dis pitcher of some Cathlics with an iddle. It aint cemment, but seems to be tin. Is it still wrong to kiss it?

Bosco on de atack

Well Bosco had a narrow escape from de Angle of Death. But she is an old friend of Anti Moly's, and she have offerred our Grate-Ant a part-time job. De idea is dat Anti Moly's gonna go rouond scarring poeple to Death. She said, "Dat suonds good. Is I allowed to screem at dem too?" De Angle of Death said, "Yup, we has got a vacancy in de Banshee divvision." I will report on a futture blogg how my belloved Anti gets on wiv dis new career oporttunity which is gonna make de most of her tallents.

Bosco have realised dat we gotta get more vigoruos in our persecuttion of de Cathlics. I found dis photo showin Cathlics doin a crazy rittual where dey bow down to iddles. Dey even calls it Pillates cos in de Cathlic Bibble dey says dat Pontuis Pillate did it. What lies dey tell.



What's more, dey is makin iddles of de Pops, which Cathlics gonna be asked to kiss if dey wants to escape 1000000000000000 years in Purgattory. I read all about it on a website dat Bosco found, so it must be true.



Bein horified by dis wickedness, Bosco and me has develloped a cunning plan. On Sunday we is gonna go into de Cathlic church incoggnito. De preist will preach his herettical sermon, sayin dat all Cathlics gotta kiss more iddles and venerate beads (we knows dis is true as Bosco found an article on de internet about Venerable Beads), and on no account must dey read de Bibble. When we hears dis we shall pounce, and stand up and sing a Calumny Chappel hynm very luodly. Maybe dis one, which is very poppular.

De Lord's my shehperd, I's de sheep,
He dresses me like a clown.
Lord Jessus have saved me from de flood
And left all de rest to drown. Ha ha.

(We doesn't sing "Ha ha", we just gives a big chuckle as we finks of dem Cathlics in de lake of fire.)

Dis is de costume dat Bosco is gonna wear for church, he says dat Father Xavier Pell de Mons will never guess dat it is him.



Dat's a real parrot... it's de one dats been tryin to teach Bosco to say a few simple prhases.

So Sunday will be de day of reckonin for de Cathlics, we gonna save lots of dem. Since no Cathlics reads dis blogg, I fink it is safe to put our plans here, Bosco, my dere bruvver.