Bite Jessus Bite

Todday at de Calumy Chappel we had one of Bosco's favorite hynms.

Lord we's saved and we's goin bitin,
It's de folk who aint saved dat we's fihgtin,
Jessus bite on de world, bite now wiv us,
Help us bite wiv de the teef dat You bring us,
Bite wiv me. Bite wiv me.

Bite Jessus Bite,
In dis land make dem boddies gory.
Blaze Spirrit blaze,
Set deir churhc on fire.
Flow rivver flow,
Drown dem all in de dirty water.
Send forth Your teef
Lord and let's have a BITE.



Dis is a stattue dat we is puttin up outside de Calumny Chappel, it symbollises Jessus de Way, de Toof and de Bite. De two guys in front is iddles of saints dat was dellivered by misstake, we is gonna have to git rid of dem.

De manny fans of Bosco has been askin to see a photto of de place where he spends many happy huors bloggin, and a freind of ours droped in and took it for us.



I aint got time for fambly news now, jist an advert to finnish off.

---

DOES YOUR OLD FOLKS CUASE A LOT OF FRICCTION?

WE HAS GOT DE ANSER TO ABBRASIVE RELLATIVES!



PUT IT IN DE OLD GIRLS COCO AND SHE WILL SLEEP LIKE A BABBY.

Eccles and Bosco is pure

I is very cross wiv Grate-Anti Moly, cos she has been spreddin rumors about me. She told her frends dat my luvvly blogg was full of SEX. Dat aint nice, Anti Moly, cos I is pure in hart and I has been saved. Likewise if you looks at Bosco's blogg you will see dat he never mentions SEX on it. He dont even know what de word means, we was both away when dey did dat in shcool.

We got all sorts of pevrets singing into my blogg now and leavin nasty messages. I fink dat Anti Moly told dem dat it was de place to come for pornorgaphy and dey was dissapointed.

Dis Moly is my own flesh and bludd, viz Mom's Anti who was bannished to Austriala and escapped to visit us. If she weren't our fambly, I would be phonin dem pollite and courtoeus laywers, Cutley, Butley and Mutley, to help me soo her for libble. I gotta reputtation to deffend, I is workin hard as a Telegrahp Muddlerator over de summer. Bosco aint gotta reggular job, but he got a key positoin in soceity as a part-time Calumny Chappel Sundy School Teecher, Kid-dissciplinarrian, Nun-torturrer, Cement Dove-polisher, and Buoncer. Also he is repsonsible for our Mission to Save de Cathlics, althuogh he aint got very far wiv dat.

Dis is my laywer, bein kissed by an angle becuase he is saved. Anti Moly you libbles me at your perril.




Well, Bosco got into deep trubble wiv Camila Van Pyre his reggular girlfiend, after he went out to a big dinner wiv an acktress who told him her name was Hilda (dis was explaned last time). Camila came round and screemed at him "Dubble-dealin two-timin crettin!"
Anti Moly chimed in wiv screeches of "Sockpoppet!"
We got a tellephone call from de neihgbours complainin about de niose "If dat's de Calumny Chappel Chior Practise, cuold you do it more queitly?" dey said. "But de quallity of your chorral signing is sure gittin better." Dey is reely dubm we doesnt sign any hynms about Cathlics bein dubble-dealin two-timin crettins, except at funnerals.

Bosco he got cross and said "Bite me!" and dat was not a good move, as Anti Moly's 3-headed dog (we is callin him Spot now) gave him some nasty wuonds in de leg, and Camila bit Bosco in de thraot. I gotta nasty feelin about dis, Bosco.

Here is a touchin romantic pitcher of Bosco and Camila.



Bosco gotta see a dentist tomorrow, his teef seems to be growin suddenly. Also he refussed to eat de garlic bread we had wiv our dinner. Dey say dat cupples start to ressemble each uvver, and I fink Bosco is adopttin some of de habbits of Camila Van Pyre.

Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.



On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.



"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.



Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.



I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.

Bite me!

Well, Bosco spent most of Saturday evenin phonin round de local Cathlic preists and leavin insultin messages on dere ansa-phons explainin dat all Cathlic preists is pevrets. Dis is a necesarry part of savin dere soles. Sometimes de preists anwsered de phon demselves, for example, de Achbishop of Lost Angels was in when Bosco telehponed. Dis is what Bosco told me about de conservation dey had.

"Ullo, dere, Achbishop Gómez speekin. Did ya wanna buy an indullgence? I'se sorry but we aint doin dem no more. And de iddle shop is closed until Monday."
"BITE ME, José, you stupid Mexxican Cathlic! Watch it dat I doesnt put ya on my wonderfool blogg, ya pevret!"
"Ah, Bosco, my son, how nice to hear from you. Is dem Weirdozol tabblets helpin your delussions?"

But Bosco slamed down de reciever, we aint gonna cast our purls before swines. I got de Achbishop's pitcher here, see he's wearin a Babble-onion fish hat, dat proves he aint saved. He looks like a really viscous truoble-maker, don't he?



On Sunday we went to de local Cathlic church to save dem sinners. In de end Bosco didnt go dressed as a pirate, cos de parrot on his shuolder kept sayin "I bin saved! Bite me! I bin saved! Bite me!" I can't imaggine where he gits dat from. So Bosco went dressed in some clothes dat he borrowed from Mrs Riddle, de Angle of Death. We slipped in quietly, blendin unnotissed wiv de congreggation.



Father Xavier O' Cise was givin a sermmon on de feedin of de five million wiv bread and fish and dat how dis meant dat de Cathlics should buy all de iddles which was on sale at de back of the churhc. He puased for a moment, and so Bosco and me got up and sang dis fammous Calumny Chappel hynm.

BITE ME, O Thou great Redeemer,
Clowning frew dis barren land.
I bin saved, but no-one else is;
Thanks to Thy almighty hand.
Bread and Pizza, wiv Pastrami,
Feed me till I wants no more;
Feed me till I wants no more.

Well dem Cathlics didnt hang aruond waitin to be saved, dey sent in an army of nuns to beet us up (de Little Sisters of St Rambo). Dey frew Bosco and me out into de street. See, I gotta photo which proves de truth of what I sez.



Well, Bosco, how is we ever goin to save des wikced poeple?