Bosco returns, and we sees King Lear

We left my bruvver Bosco hidin in an Ecuadorian souvenir shop "Llamas 'R' us," run by de mysteriuos Juliano Assangua. But you cannot keep a good man down for long, and it was no surprise when he turned up at Castle Thopmson in Notting Hell, where Anti Moly and me is stayin.

Apparently, Bosco has got a new obsessoin, and now he hates images of muvvers and babies, cos dey reminds him of de Madonna and Child.

Mother and baby. A symbol of Catholicism.

So he got cross when he saw de pitcher above, wot is a lama wiv her baby, and smashed it. After dat he had to leave "Llamas 'R' us," so he came to London to be wiv his nearest and dearest (me and Anti Moly).

Bosco was explanin to us dat pitchers of Mary and Jessus was reely based on de Babbleonions Semiramis and Tammuz - notice de grate cioncidence dat dey both features a muvver and a baby. You don't often see muvvers holdin babies, so dat proves it's de same poeple.

Semiramis and Tammuz. A symbol of Catholicism.

Anyway, to get to de main story, our host Damain Thopmson wrote annuver luvvly blogg, which started as follows:

I have just rediscovered a playwright who will probably be totally unfamiliar to most of my readers. He's called William Shakespeare, and he's definitely one to watch. When I was a child my teacher, Mr Pegnall, took me to see Hamlet, which is a jolly super play in which everyone gets killed. I had a whole bag of cupcakes, and was sick over Mr Pegnall. Soon I am going to see King Lear, which my friend Daniel Hannan says is a searing indictment of the European Union.

I have just built a "Gladys Chapel" in my home, Castle Thopmson, where I pray each day to St Gladys of Mills...

St Gladys of Mills.

Anyway, this explains why Damain, me, Bosco, and Anti Moly is sittin in de theatre, watchin a performance of King Lear. It's a rather complicated story about a king wot gives away his kingdom and goes mad, and I wonder if dat is an allegorry for what happened to Damain when he stopped bein a relligiuos blogger.

Anti Moly said she liked de play very much. When Gluocester got his eyes guoged out, she shouted "Hooray!" and explaned dat dis was de way to treat traddy Cathlics. Then when Gluocester got to de edge of a cliff, she shuoted "Go on, jump!" but was disappointed dat he survived dat bit.

King Lear and Bosco de fool.

Bosco made up his mind dat de main poeple in de play weren't saved, except for de fool, a pusson like Bosco wot seems to be totally mad. Unlike Bosco he is in fact very wise, and maybe even saved. Bosco said de best lines in de play was "There's hell, there's darkness, there's the sulphurous pit, Burning, scalding, stench, consumption; fie, fie, fie! pah, pah!" Dis is only what unsaved pussons can expect.

Damain was, as usaul, more interested in de pussonal quallities of de characters. He knew dat Edmund was a baddie cos he had got bad hair and was slightly overwieght. Dese are de sort of detales dat will only be noticed by a quallity juornalist and critick.

Well, now dat Bosco is in London, we expects him to make a tuor of Cathlic churches in order to save dem from dere sins. Lock up your iddles!

Soon you will no longer be able to worship dis iddle.

De weddin of Tom Chivvers

Tom Chivvers in his weddin graments

Anti Moly and me is still stayin at Castle Thopmson in Notting Hell, but we doesn't see much of our host Damain Thopmson, as he is lockin himself away in his studdy to work on his new book, de definitive boigraphy of Glayds Mills, de concert painist.

Damain is very fond of paino music, especailly de classics. De great Stehpen Huogh was round here recently playin a meldey of his favuoite concert pieces, such as "Where did you get dat hat?" (arranged by Rachnaminov) and "We wish you a merry Christmas," wiv de immortal lines about "We all likes figgy puddings," which was condenmed by Paul Inwood as bein thoelogically too complex for de modern Cathlic chruch.

Stephen Huogh

Anyway, Damain looked up from writin his definitive account of Glayds Mills's weight probblems, to tell us, "By de way, my colleageu Tom Chivvers is gettin married on Satturday." Anti Moly has got a bit of a crush on Tom Chivvers, because he is pollite, charmin and non-Cathlic, and she put down her gin bottle and fainted dellicately.

Damain went onto explain dat de lucky bride was called Pat, but, because Tom is in de forefront of libberal thinkin, and likes to shock de traditoinalists, he wasnt sure whevver it was a man or a woman.

When my dere Anti recovered, she decided dat she would emullate de story of young Lockenvar, wot is a Scots chap who interrupted a wedding to carry off de bride on his horse.

Young Lockenvar on a horse

Since Tom is an athiest, he wasnt gonna get married in a chruch, althuogh dere is chruches in Soho and de Plymuoth diocese dat will do same-sex marriages (we saw a card in a tellephone box, "Kinky Cathlic weddins, all tastes catered for. Ask for Farver Muriel"). Instead, he had hired de Allbert Hall, as dere was gonna be quite a lot of poeple attendin. He was gettin Stephen Hawkin to conduct de weddin, a proniment atheist wot knows all about big bangs; he has also been competin in de Parrylympics.

Anti aint gotta horse, so I suggested dat, bein Austrialan, she could ride to de Allbert Hall on a crocodile, or maybe have a cart pulled by a team of wombats. But in de end she managed to borrow a donkey, and rode off on her heroic missoin.

Old Molyvar on a donkey (note de bridal bouqeut)

Well, I went dere by more traditoinal means, gettin Dan Hannan, Damain's chuaffeur, to drive me to de Allbert Hall. He refussed to obey de "Keep Left" signs dat David Cameron has been puttin up everywhere, so we was nearly late.

As you can see from de pitcher bellow, de weddin was well attended. Is dat Edwina Curry in de photto bellow?

Tom Chivvers Weddin. De geusts is very happy.

Well I has been keepin you on tenterhocks, but now I can reveel de identtity of de blushin bride, Pat. Well, Tom he is wot dey calls a geek or a nerd, and it turns out dat PAT is a laptop computter (PAT is Personal Applied Technology). Dis explanes a certian cryptic remark dat Damain's butler, Will Heaven, made, when he told Muvver Odone de cook, "I saw Tom wiv PAT on his lap again." Tom got de idea from a flim of Walt Sidney, and I fink dis is what de Chivvers fambly will look like in 15 years from now.

Tom Chivvers fambly, 2027

When Anti Moly learnt dat her successfull rivall was a computter, she said "Dat's reely woful," and decided to cancel de elopment. So Tom's weddin went ahead as planned. I aint often sentimenttal on dis blogg, which is normally written to provide spiritaul nuorishment, but I do fink de happy couple is made for each uvver. Readin his blogg, I has sometimes even wondered whevver TOM is de name of a computter, as well. Thinking Opinion Machine, maybe.

Our return to Notting Hell

We decided to leave my bruvver Bosco hidin wiv Juliano Assangua in de Ecuadorian souvenir shop, and we came back to London to stay wiv our friend Damain Thopmson again. Dere is a lot goin on in London dis weekend, as I will rellate.

We finds ourselves in Little Giddin.

We is still havvin a little trubble wiv our Satan-Nav, and instead of takin' us to London, it landed us in a holly place called Little Giddin. Our chuaffeur, Hannan, tapped de machine, and it stopped its usaul dialogge, originally programmed by Anti Moly:,

Turn left, no I mean right, look where you is goin you nearly hit dat little old lady you poor old fool, aint you gonna get your eyes tested? Woeful.

Instead it waxed poetical and said:

If you came this way, taking any route, starting from anywhere, at any time or at any season, it would always be the same: you would have to put off sense and notion.

Which is very luvvly, but don't help much when you is lookin for de A1 Motorway.

We is lost.

Still, we got back to London finally, and found dat Damain Thopmson had buoght an oil painting, called Moaner Lissa, which he wanted to give to his great friend Cradinal Murphy-O'Connor as an 80th birthday present. It used to belong to de Luovre in Paris, but Damain is a rich man cos of de runaway success of his book "De Fix," and he made em a generuos offer.

Anti Moly had been readin about an old Spannish lady who restored frescos, and said "I can do better dan dat." So she set abuot restorin de Moaner Lissa. Sadly, I fink dat at de end it didn't look quite right.

Moaner Lissa, after restoratoin

Still, Damain says it will give Cradinal Cormac somefink to remember him by.

Damain was very excited too because he heard dat someone called Harry was phottographed wiv no clothes on. He was wonderin whevver it was Joanne Harry, de great juornalist, but it turns out to be a Prince.

Well, apart from Cradinal Cormac's birfday party, to which we is all invited, de other grate social event of de weekend is de Notting Hell Cranival. By traditoin, de gruonds of Castle Thopmson is given up to music and dancin, while Damain retires to de cellar and puts a pillow over his head. Dis sounds like fun.

Cradinal Cormac dancin at last year's Notting Hell Cranival

Pussy-footing round Wallsingham

The story so far: Eccles (saved) and Anti Moly (unsaved) has gone to Wallsingham, where my dere bruvver Bosco (very saved) is tryin to save de suols of de piglrims wot turns up.

So it was a great surprise to see Bosco drivin north out of Wallsingham wiv a great truck full of tommato ketchop.

Bosco heads for de seaside

He was headin for a place called Wells-next-de-sea, so we went and fuond our chuaffeur, Dan Hannan, and gave chase. I should mentoin dat Hannan is a great expert on Shakespeare, and he has got nicknames for all of us: he calls Bosco "Caliban," Anti Moly "Hecate," and me "Fool" (dem's cruel words, Dan). Some time I will reveel what nickname he has got for Damain Thopmson, his employer. Any geusses?

Well, we got to Wells, where Bosco was preachin to an audeince of holiday-makers, explainin dat de Rapture is at hand, and dat dey aint saved like him. By some strange miracle, which Bosco aint gonna explain, de sea had gone all red, and Bosco says dat it was turned to blood. Which is a sign, innit, Bosco dere?

De North Sea has turned to blood.

Bosco says we is gonna see more signs dat de last days is at hand. I is wonderin what he means.

Anti Moly didn't like Wells, and instead showed us some snaps of de seaside at luvvly Pottymouth in Austriala, her home town. She is feelin a little homesick.

De seaside at luvvly Pottymouth

We returned to Wallsingham, and Bosco got himself into truoble. Dis time it wasnt de Cathlics but de Orfodox Church dat was de recipeints of Bosco's missionary activities. Did you know dat de Greek Orfodox church used to be a railway station?

One of de stations of de cross

Bosco decided dat de Wallsingham Calumny Chappel was gonna organize a "Pusey Riot" in de Orfodox Church. I aint reely understood dis, but I looked up on Wikkipedia who Pusey was, and he was an Angliccan. Dey dont worship iddles as much as de Cathlics and Orfodox does, so maybe dey is a bit more saved.

De Calumny Chappel's Pusey Riot.

Well, dis is likely to lead to all sorts of truobles, as churches doesnt like you goin outside de bounds of de litturgy. I remember once Damain Thopmson took us to a Lattin Mass and we had to say "Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor." I fuoght it meant somefink like "I is washed in de blood of de Labm," but no, it means "Frow holly water over me, Farver." Bosco weren't too pleased at bein soaked, and he struck back.

Lavabis te, Fr Prescott

Anyway, never mind de remminiscences, I fink dis Pusey Riot of Bosco's is goin to have severe reppercussions.

Wallsingham

Well, we cuoldn't stay in Great Snoring for too long, as we wanted to go to Wallsingham to see my big bruvver Bosco. But both Anti Moly and Dan Hannan, our chuaffeur, received kind invitations from de good poeple of Great Snoring, so we stayed an extra day.

Anti Moly was invited to stay awhile, drink lotsa gin, and take some well-earned rest, as dey said that a Great Snoring Woman would be a tuorist attractoin. Anti Moly was very pleased to be de centre of attentoin, so we put her to sleep, and sold lotsa tickets.

We heard later dat de poeple of Little Snoring had all taken dere washing indoors, finking dat thunder was on de way.

A sleepy village

Also, someone had heard dat Dan Hannan is a part-time polliticain, and dey invited him to make a speech to de Snoring Conservatives Associatoin. "But I ain't used to speakin in front of crowds," he said. "When I wants to make a speech in Brussels, dey all shows great consideratoin and leaves de room."

Well, in de end he gave an impassioned speech about "De unpleasant pussonal habits of Herman Van Rompuy" to de faithful "Mangel-Wurzel Mafia," as dey is known.

Finally, we got to Wallsingham, and it didn't take long to find Bosco, as he had set up a shrine by de side of de road, and was sellin souvenirs of Wallsingham.

Bosco's sacred souvenirs from Wallsingham

Bosco explaned dat dese are not iddles, even dough dere was a steady stream of piglrims buyin dem and kissin dem.

A rival shrine, after Bosco visited it

Apart from settin up a Calumny Chappel shrine, and givvin public letchers on "Why Mary hadn't a clue who Jessus was" - a point of thoelogy dat is new to many poeple - Bosco has been doin his part in bein ecumennical by trashin uvver poeple's shrines and iddle shops.

Dan Hannan in Wallsingham iddle shop

Bosco has asked me to point out dat pussons wot kiss dis polliceman aint saved.

On de road to Wallsingham

As I has alreddy explaned, my big bruvver Bosco has gone to Wallsingham, de scared shrine in Norfolk, in de hope of savin a few suols. Anti Moly and me has been in London, stayin wiv Damain Thopmson. It is very hot and so Damain has got some of de Indian Ollympic team to act as punka-wallas.

A punka-walla helpin Damain Thopmson to keep his cool

Originally he had been employin some of his usual staff - Will Heaven de butler, Dan Hannan de chuaffeur, and Goeffrey Lean de gardener - but dey wasn't very good at punk, and dese Indians is much fitter.

Damain himself has been watchin a lot of de Ollympics. He likes de beach valleyball, as he says de girls is all very thin and has good hairstyles, which is very important (read his blogg and you will see dat he hates people wot is fat or has bad hair, like Archbishop Tarteater and Bradley Wiggon).

Not likely to be criticised in a Damain Thopmson blogg

Anti Moly is findin life very woeful. She was hopin dat her old admirer, Cradinal Pell, would come to London for de Ollympics, but he decided to stay in Sidney to judge de Aussie Bishops' Tinnie-chuggin Competitoin (whatever dat is). And althuogh de Aussie government has promised to return de bones of her grandad Ned Kelly to her, dey still has not arrived.

So when I proposed a trip to Wallsingham to help bruvver Bosco wiv his evangellising of de unsaved Cathlics (he said "bring a chain saw," but didnt explane why), she jumped at de chance. Indeed, she even proposed dat we take along Tilde Swindon de famuous actress, wot is very good at evangellising, as you can see from my photto.

You'll come to Wallsingham, Tilde, wiv me?

But de luvvly Tilde wasnt avialable. Damain Thopmson said he didnt want to come wiv us, but he offered us de services of Hannan, de chuaffeur, de one wiv a part-time job in Brussels. De Brussels chaps is on summer hollidays from April until November, so he is quite free at de moment.

So Anti Moly, Hannan and me set off for Wallsingham, but Hannan was led astray by de Satan-Nav, and we landed up in a village nearby.

Why does dis remind me of Damain Thopmson's bloggs?

Well, we is stayin de night in Great Snoring, and Anti Moly is sleepin very sweetly if rather loudly, as a result of de gin dat she bruoght in her hippo flask.

A hippo flask. Contains enough gin for a whole evening's drinking

Tomorrow we is to be reunited wiv dere bruvver Bosco.

Song from Twelfth Night

When that I was and a little tiny boy,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.

Or, as portrayed by the Seven Ages of Man...

---

When that I was but a little boy called Knowles,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
They found my childish essays full of holes,
For the rain it raineth every day.

---

When as a young man, known to all as Tim,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I told Obama what I thought of him,
For the rain it raineth every day.

Sir Henry Morton Stanley in Africa

---

Then as a young-ish nerd by name of Tom,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I split infinitives with great aplomb,
For the rain it raineth every day.

---

When that I was but a balding chap called Dan,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I spoke and all the Europeans ran,
For the rain it raineth every day.

---

When that I was an addiction-crazy Dame,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I wrote six blogs essentially the same,
For the rain it raineth every day.

The Fix: How book-plugging is invading our lives and changing our world

---

When that I was but an aged man called Norm,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
My trolls were lefties from the lower form,
For the rain it raineth every day.

---

When that I was but a basket-case called Lean,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
I wrote no facts, just propaganda green,
For the rain it raineth every day.

A nuclear power station. (Are you sure you've got that right, Geoffrey?)

Damain is taken into care

I has not been bloggin much recently, and I entrusted de spiritaul nuorishment of my readers to some geust bloggers. Dis is cos after my Anti Moly was put into a care home, I was free, so I decidded to take a holliday. In fact I went to Sevile in Spain, cos my hair was gettin long and I had heard dat dey has good barbers in Sevile.

De hairdresser of Sevile

In de end de haircut wasn't great, but I buoght a new wig as a present for Damain Thopmson, and a jumbo-sized bottle of hair-restorrer for my dear Anti Moly, who is always so thirsty.

I also got appraoched by a woman called Carman wot works in a cigarete factory, but bein a saved pusson I resisted her charms and came back to London.

When I got back to Castle Thopmson de butler, Will Heaven, had shockin news for me. "Dr Thopmson is not at home," he said. "He has been taken into care."

Heaven explained to me dat Damain had been taken to St Cristina's Home for de Dangerously Addicted. After his luvvly book was published, he decided to devote all his time to pluggin it, and was unabble to stop goin on abuot it.

Suovenirs of DE FIX

All Damain's recent activities have been tailored towards making people aware of DE FIX, and he has filled his home wiv suovenirs rellated to DE FIX.

More suovenirs of DE FIX

Luckily Hannan de chuaffeur was avialable (sometimes he is away wiv his part-time job in Brusells, which involves makin speeches to empty rooms), and he drove me to St Cristina's.

Poor sick Damain

"Eccles," said Damain to me, "you is a loyal follower of my blogg. I was finkin dis weekend of writin a Saturday colunm about De Fix, Joanne Hairy, addictoin to medicine, De Fix, De Ordinariate, recent books by Tellegrahp bloggers, De Fix, and addictoin to cupcakes. Do you fink dat's a good idea? Maybe I could add somefink about addictoin to computters too. Dat way I cuold secretly plugg De Fix and noboddy wuold notice."

Well, dat seemed OK to me, but I was very worried by Damain's terrible addictoins. Some schoolgirls had bruoght him a get well soon present, you see.

Cupcakes for Damain

We will have to see what we can do to "fix" our dear Damain.

---

I must remember to blogg about my Anti Moly some time. She got into bad truoble for nude sunbathin, so she is still in custardy.

Anti Moly sunbathin

I has blotted out de rude bits, cos we saved pussons doesnt put pronography on our bloggs. But it reely is a woeful situatoin.

Four out of ten old ladies drink hair-restorer

A geust blogg from Damain Thopmson
 

---

Up to 40% of old ladies drink hair-restorer, according to recent research undertaken by the University of Adelaide. My own informal observations bear this out, as Patient M, a ridiculously old lady who is also currently my guest in Castle Thompson - as is her great-nephew, a charming man called Eccles - has turned out to be a consumer of many unusual products.

My butler, Will Heaven, reports that Anti Moly, as Eccles calls her, began by drinking my supplies of gin and whisky, but, when he started to lock these up, she turned to other substances.

Did I mention that I have written a book on addiction, called The Fix? Do buy a copy. I am hoping that Eccles will agree to serialize excerpts on his lovely blog. Anyway, in my book I treat all sorts of addictions and obsessions: for example, there is a biologist in South America who is addicted to stories of clerical child abuse, having a whole laboratory wall decorated with stories from the Puffington Post and the New Yawn Times. Another strange addiction I write about is cinnabons, a sticky cake much loved by Yorkshire bishops.

Returning to Patient M, once she had run out of conventional alcoholic drinks, she drank a bottle of my Geoffrey Lean hair-restorer; then she went to the garage and drank my supply of Delinpol anti-freeze (much to the annoyance of Hannan my chauffeur). Finally, getting desperate, she drank a bottle of her own Possumgon, a product she uses to protect the roof of her Australian home from enthusiastic marsupials.

Her drinking is irregular, but when she decides to have a "binge" or "meltdown," she is often seen on the internet, posting insults on blogs (including my own). For some reasons she particularly hates Catholics, especially serious ones.

Patient M seems to be immune to poison, according to her nephew Eccles. The old photograph below shows M and her friend informing a visitor that they had added some arsenic to his drink, "To give it some bite."

Well, it's difficult to know what to do in such cases, but if enough people buy my book The Fix, I will be able to do some more in-depth research (Tenerife looks like a promising place to start).