Bosco returns, and we sees King Lear

We left my bruvver Bosco hidin in an Ecuadorian souvenir shop "Llamas 'R' us," run by de mysteriuos Juliano Assangua. But you cannot keep a good man down for long, and it was no surprise when he turned up at Castle Thopmson in Notting Hell, where Anti Moly and me is stayin.

Apparently, Bosco has got a new obsessoin, and now he hates images of muvvers and babies, cos dey reminds him of de Madonna and Child.

Mother and baby. A symbol of Catholicism.

So he got cross when he saw de pitcher above, wot is a lama wiv her baby, and smashed it. After dat he had to leave "Llamas 'R' us," so he came to London to be wiv his nearest and dearest (me and Anti Moly).

Bosco was explanin to us dat pitchers of Mary and Jessus was reely based on de Babbleonions Semiramis and Tammuz - notice de grate cioncidence dat dey both features a muvver and a baby. You don't often see muvvers holdin babies, so dat proves it's de same poeple.

Semiramis and Tammuz. A symbol of Catholicism.

Anyway, to get to de main story, our host Damain Thopmson wrote annuver luvvly blogg, which started as follows:

I have just rediscovered a playwright who will probably be totally unfamiliar to most of my readers. He's called William Shakespeare, and he's definitely one to watch. When I was a child my teacher, Mr Pegnall, took me to see Hamlet, which is a jolly super play in which everyone gets killed. I had a whole bag of cupcakes, and was sick over Mr Pegnall. Soon I am going to see King Lear, which my friend Daniel Hannan says is a searing indictment of the European Union.

I have just built a "Gladys Chapel" in my home, Castle Thopmson, where I pray each day to St Gladys of Mills...

St Gladys of Mills.

Anyway, this explains why Damain, me, Bosco, and Anti Moly is sittin in de theatre, watchin a performance of King Lear. It's a rather complicated story about a king wot gives away his kingdom and goes mad, and I wonder if dat is an allegorry for what happened to Damain when he stopped bein a relligiuos blogger.

Anti Moly said she liked de play very much. When Gluocester got his eyes guoged out, she shouted "Hooray!" and explaned dat dis was de way to treat traddy Cathlics. Then when Gluocester got to de edge of a cliff, she shuoted "Go on, jump!" but was disappointed dat he survived dat bit.

King Lear and Bosco de fool.

Bosco made up his mind dat de main poeple in de play weren't saved, except for de fool, a pusson like Bosco wot seems to be totally mad. Unlike Bosco he is in fact very wise, and maybe even saved. Bosco said de best lines in de play was "There's hell, there's darkness, there's the sulphurous pit, Burning, scalding, stench, consumption; fie, fie, fie! pah, pah!" Dis is only what unsaved pussons can expect.

Damain was, as usaul, more interested in de pussonal quallities of de characters. He knew dat Edmund was a baddie cos he had got bad hair and was slightly overwieght. Dese are de sort of detales dat will only be noticed by a quallity juornalist and critick.

Well, now dat Bosco is in London, we expects him to make a tuor of Cathlic churches in order to save dem from dere sins. Lock up your iddles!

Soon you will no longer be able to worship dis iddle.

Bosco finds an asylum

After my bruvver Bosco organized a Pusey riot in de Orfodox church at Wallsingham, de cops was onto him, and he had to flee de town quickly. "I needs an asylum," he said, which is somefink Anti Moly has been sayin about him for years.

We ended up in a small town called Blakeney, where we saw a building wiv a big sign outside it. Anti Moly told us it meant dat it was a Tibetan monasstery.

A mysterious sign

She told us once again how when she was a little girl she went to Tibet and met de Dolly Llama, who gave her lotsa gin. So we went into de building.

A very nice man came to greet us. "Buenos Dias, Señors and Señora, my name is Juliano Assangua. Would you like to buy a llama?" he said. "Or we have a fine range of Ecuadorian products and souvenirs."

Juliano Assangua, a simple Ecuadorian shopkeeper

At this point Anti Moly, who had been knocking back de gin, made a dellicate request. "Could I use your toilet?" she said. "I need a quickie leak."

"Wikileaks? I deny it completely," said Juliano hastily. "I am a humble Ecuadorian shopkeeper, and not in the least a fugitive from justice."

Well, when dese missunderstandings were all sorted out, Señor Assangua agreed to let my bruvver Bosco hide in his shop for a few days. We left them watching a fascinating televisoin programme, in which de famuous Muslim polliticain George Gallifrey was discussin de crimes of Jack de Ripper and explainin dat dey was simply "bad sexaul etiquette."

"Hello, hello, hello! It's another case of bad sexual etiquette!"

So for de moment we is returnin to London, where no doubt furver spiritaul opportunities awaits us.

Pentecost readings

Burning copies of "The Fix"

As the hype over The Fix reaches a climax, and the team of relay runners escorting it round the UK says with one voice "We've had enough of that flaming book," the CBCEW has agreed to adopt new readings for this Pentecost Sunday, from the book of St Damian.

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Vincent Nichols confesses to an addiction

As St Luke records in The Fix of the Apostles, when the time for Pentecost was fulfilled, the disciples were all in one place together. And suddenly there came from the sky a noise like a strong driving wind, and it filled the entire house. Then there appeared tongues as of fire, which came to rest on them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in different tongues.

Now we see here several examples of addiction, and I have observed many such incidents in my researches for this book. Some people are addicted to strong winds; for example St Peter is recorded as once having taken his boat out onto the Sea of Galilee in a storm, evidently to feed his addiction to wind, which the other Apostles vainly tried to cover up. If he had not had this problem, he would probably have stayed indoors, become a journalist, and maybe written a blog. Some say that Prince Charles, who recently moonlighted as a weatherman on television, is also addicted to extreme meteorological phenomena.

Tongues of fire are another addiction I have seen on my travels. Sometimes this is merely a variation on cigarette-smoking, where the addict lights the wrong end of the cigarette in his confusion (my friend Cristina Odone often makes this mistake). Another way of setting one's tongue on fire is by fire-eating, which nobody would do unless they were seriously disturbed.

Unholy smoke from Cristina Odone

Could it have been the case that St Peter was addicted to fire-eating, as well as heavy winds? St Luke is strangely silent on the question.

Then again we come to another addiction mentioned in this passage, the speaking in different tongues. In modern society people with this problem can find useful employment as interpreters and translators, but sometimes we find charismatic sects whose members simply sound off with random garbage like "Molybdenite Holy Smoke ROFL Damian Fix Judy Bogan Pottymouth LOL," as a way of obtaining relief. No doubt St Peter was a sufferer from this condition as well.

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A  fairy cake cupcake, as seen at Our Lady of the Assumption & St. Gregory, Soho

As St Paul, notorious for plugging his own Epistles, once pointed out, the fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, a good haircut, a clean shirt, and a real Ph.D. degree, whereas the works of the flesh are obvious: trolling on blogs, addiction to cupcakes, drinking my supplies of gin and hair-restorer, reading the Guardian and the Huffington post, and trying to ordain women as priests.

Alas, on my own blog, where many of the contributors are intelligent traditional Catholics with good haircuts and clean shirts, I have seen several more sordid people, with various addictions. Often they come from primitive places such as Australia and South America, pretending to have a scientific background, but really just invading my blog in order to feed their sordid compulsions (which are too disgusting to name in a sacred document such as this one).

In spite of the weaknesses of St Peter that I mentioned earlier, the reason that Christ gave him the keys of Heaven must surely be that he didn't eat cupcakes, only drank hair-restorer on special occasions, and would never have turned up smelling of llama.

The Telegraphies

Who can resist the jolly antics of the Telegraphies - Molly, Micky, Marky and Pau? With their silly catch-phrases and their crazy games, they have become an instant hit on the Telegraph blogs.

* We giggle as Molly, the senile one, thinks up more revolting insults than ever before. We chuckle as she tells us about her tolerance for all religions except orthodox Catholicism. We fall asleep as she tells us anecdotes about her "rels." Molly's the one who drinks all the hair-restorer.

* We smile as little Micky, the one who may be male or female (or something in between), pastes dozens of links to anti-Catholic articles on dodgy websites and says "ROFL" whenever challenged to debate an issue seriously. Weep with Micky when she (or perhaps he) tells you how dreadfully unfair life is. Micky's the one whose only friend is a llama.

* Then there's Marky, the intellectual of the group, who has read Dawkins and Einstein, and thinks they are theologians. However, Marky really prefers to curl up with a good story about child abuse.

* Finally there's creepy old Pau, the "gay icon," who trawls the internet, looking for information about his victims. Pau likes religion, but not the serious bits.

And now Damian Thompson says "Bye-bye."

Moly and Dolly

Bosco he have been very quiet reccently, as he is preparin his campaing for becommin de next Pop. Dis aint as easy as it sounds, as you gotta get lotsa Cradinals to vote for you, and dem Cradinals mostly aint saved. It aint no good havin a fish hat and de right robes if you cant git dem to vote for you. So Bosco he is writtin to all de Cradinals wiv de followin tactfull message:

ULLO COSTUME HOLY MAN, YOU AINT SAVED. VOTE BOSCO FOR POP!

Dis is a pitcher of a Pop, notice dat he is about to swallow a live birdie. Bosco says he aint never done dat, but he eats pet hamsters sometimes and it cant be much different.



Anti Moly have been doin more interestin things, as she have decided to become a Bhuddist. Dis is partly becuase she says she was a Haddock in a previous incranation, but more becuase she once met de Dolly Llama and said dat he was nearly as holy as St Cuttley, wot she so admires.

Dis Dolly Llama is very old, it says on Wikkipedia dat he was born in 1391. Anti Moly says she met him in about 1920, when she was a litle girl on holliday in Tibbet. He invited her into de summer pallace and gave her as much gin as she wanted. She says he is straihgtforward, honnest, tollerant and kind, unlike de Pop who didnt even offer her a cup of tea.

I buoght a statue of de Dolly Llama for Anti Moly to kiss, and here it is. But she replied "You is a morron, Eccles." What is I doin wrong?



I also fuond dis pitcher of a Bhuddist sittin in a pond which is what Bhuddists likes doin. Dere is someone lookin over his shuolder which at first sihgt looked like Anti Moly but it turns out to be a cobbra. Perhaps it is my Anti Moly in a prevvious incranation.

Prayers for de sick

Ullo dere Bosco my darlin bruvver, let us ressume de storry of Grate-Ant Molly’s visit. Bosco and me, we had decided to go to de Calumny Chappel for a speshul service of intersession, cos dere is a lot of very sick peoples in de neihgborhood, and we likes to pray for dem. For exapmle, dere is:

1. A pliceman wot was atacked by a scropion (dat's what dey calls Alfie, de pussy cat dat Bosco gave me), and he is in a comma. De pliceman I mean, not Alfie, who has run away and probbably aint in a comma.
2. A little boy who I gave one of dem assenic sweeties dat Bosco buoght for me, and has now got teribble stomahc ache. Maybe he ate somethin bad.
3. A young lady what was walking past our house and was hit by a crossbow bolt wot came frew de winder. Actaully I was lucky cos it was fired by Bosco and very naerly hit me his darlin little bruvver. Bosco says dat I shuoldnt mention this.

Life sure is dangerous in our street. Lukcily I has my bruvver Bosco to look after me.

Dere was also gonna be de usaul prayers dat we does, viz "Oh God please smite de Pop and give him toothahce cos he aint saved and he needs to be tuaght a lesson cos he's still burnin all dem what aint Cathlics. Please also do somefink about de nasty funguss dissease wot Bosco got, even though you cant see it when he's got his clothes on. Hopes you is havin a good time in Heaven, dont let Mary boss you around. Love Eccles, what has been saved, as you may have seen on his blogg. Amen."

We asked Grate-Ant Molly if she would like to come. She said she didnt believe in god or gods, but she would come along and bring her lapptop, as she wanted to write some pungennt cricketism of her enemas. "Has you got enemas, Anti?" asked Bosco. "Who are dey? Let me bite em on my luvvly blogg."
"Dey is everyone on de Damain Thopmson blogg," reply my darlin Anti. "Dey is all fanattical Catlics and sockpopes, except for you, dere Bosco and Eccles, and one or two uvvers like de man who is recoverin from a kick from his pet lama and a famous novellist wot is very pious and writes a blog about how horrid his children are. My enemas has even been mockin me, a laddy of advannced years who has led a very interrestin life. I has to spend all my wakking hours on dis blogg or dey will get de better of me."

However, Great-Anti Molly changed her mind about chruch when we explaned dat we was also gonna sing hynms in de Calumny Chappel, e.g. "Shine on me, and don't shine on de Cathlics". She says she likes Yakety-Sax but I dont fink dat's one of our hynms. So we found her anuvver botle of gin, and she settled down to catch up on her bloggin.It reely ainy much trubble havin Grate-Anti Molly wiv us, except dat gin is expensive.

Dey named a drink after our Grate-Ant, and here it is.